SOON WE’LL BE HITTING THE END OF THE TRACK–
THERE’S NO GOING FORWARD, AND NO GOING BACK!

–FOR ONE MORE TIME, YOU CAN COME TO:
Ask Dr. Hal’s Twenty-two Tales Told!
—-ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–
WEDNESDAY, April 8th!
Yes, our advertised La-a-a-ast Show!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME-– more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( Cheap as dirt! Nobody turned away! A BARGAIN!)
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 22

“Whatever weapons one is given, one should certainly use. All’s fair in Love and War, and life is Love– and Life is also War…”
–Sir T. D. O. Ffoulkes-Smythe-Blevourt, Strategy and the West

THIS WEEK:
END IS NEARBY! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – LAST SHOW, Y’KNOW? – RADIO
REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS? – MONSTROUS MONSTER OCTOPUS PULLS VEXED
VESSEL TO WATERY DOOM IN SLITHERY, SUCKERY EMBRACE – BAD LUCK BLACKIE –
WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR– ZERO BOY! – WITH ADDITIONAL GUEST APPEARANCE:
SAN FRANCISCO MAYOR GAVIN NEWSOM! – HILLBILLY HEAVEN – FRANK CHU
MAKES DO – CAPPY’S WELTANSHAUUNG – PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM: PEEP AT
INT’L SPACE STATION THRU BACK-YARD PEEPER-SCOPE ALL THIS WK. – HOUSE RULES
RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – SLICK CHICK IN A CHICKEN AT
CHICKEN’S – WORTHY OF NOTE – HELP FOR HOLLIS – LOST VEGAS LIVES AGAIN AT CELLSPACE, APRIL 11th –

LOOP! STATION SENSATION RETURNS FROM L.A. TRIUMPH:
WILL STAGE LOOP! COUP FRIDAY, APRIL 17th AT YOSHI’S IN SANFRAN – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS, NOT MONDAY, APRIL 6th, BUT TUESDAY, APRIL 7th – NOTE THIS 11th-
HOUR CHANGE– DON’T MISS THE LAST SHOW IN THE CURRENT KrOB BUS RIDE SERIES:
SCREENED WILL BE IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD– WITH EYENOISETM, FUN,
GAGS & SURPRISES – RESIST THE EVIL PROGRAMMING OF JEJUNEIST CULT: HEAR
COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE’S BROADCAST 24-7 IN UPPER DOLORES PARK –
DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS TO PLAY AT AMNESIA APRIL 19th –
YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NUDEST CLIPS WILL MAKE YOU SEE STARS (& GARTERS)…

AND SO it has come to pass. Chicken’s ringing down the curtain on the very last show at his swingin’ bachelor pad on Cesar Chavez. Yes (are ye reading carefully here, O faithful few?),
just as at the Ask Dr. Hal! Show the time comes when Chicken pulls out the la-a-a-ast question– the
very last question– you’ve seen him do this and should know what it means– so will our very next
iteration be that selfsame sad day, the 8th of April, when the show at the (mostly) red-painted, spacious
Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret is the (livin’) end of Ask Dr. Hal! At least, according to current projections,
for ” 5 to 8 weeks.” Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He’s going to be leaving all of us in San
Francisco as he goes off to Europe on April 21st. It’s all so he can mess around installing ponderous
internal combustion engines from massive American cars in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” over there in
Slovenia, before he drifts down the weary waterways of the Continent into the sewage-strewn, reeking
canals of Venice. That’s Venice, Italy.Yes, those Slovenians apparently need an infusion of Detroit Iron
in their flimsy, arty watercraft. That’s not all they need, by the way. It turns out they’re more or less
bankrupt. So now Chicken’s putting on a last-minute benefit at Cellspace on April 11th (see “Social Notes,”
below) to Bail Out “Old Europe.” And, since he long ago decreed that the Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the present day
must take place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be more than happy, as we’ve pointed
out before, to keep on with a “guest host” –a mock Chicken, if you will, the restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a
crowd of people there while he’s away and unable to prevent them from invading, tromping cattle-like into
the various rooms including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt-studs and collar stays, the
sterling silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs,  dueling pistols, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting
prints, rifling through his drawers (he hates that), leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper and his secret
cupboard of erotic pottery, breaking his extensive O-scale model railroad layout, making off with his
cabinet of simply adorable vintage Hummel figurines– and “borrowing” (more or less permanently) his
beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we’re (just about) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce,
we come to the end– of the beginning– of our dreaded…
COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! WE’RE AT ZERO! THIS IS IT!

Your final opportunity remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder, laughter and bemusement,
the savagery and splendor, the ne plus ultra we like to call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE’LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Naw… not too likely. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently bounced off
SF’s popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. It’s all very tawdry & “internal” –because we
asked Monkey nicely not to advertise our radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing
our listeners, but he ignored us despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what
happened next– he exercised the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR’s chief
factotum blew a gasket– and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants
to lay eyes on any of our hated heads again– in short, none of us can e’er return. No, not, at least, to that radio
station… But, you know, there just may be…
FAINT GLIMMERS OF… HOPE!
Really? Hope? Well, keep watching this space for word of a continuing show Dr. Hal may get to do, if the Gods
are willing, without Chicken and in an entirely different but nearby (in the Mission) space! Mum’s the word right
now while difficult, Byzantine negotiations are going forward. It’s true– there do exist a few evanescent wisps of
chance that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken performances, even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio! But
‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself says, “I need a break!” That’s
what he says. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space– to see if the visionary, impractical idea of a crazy,
Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope– an ignis fatuus, a “swamp light” or “foolish fire” that
lures us from the correct path into a sucking, froggy bog of Error– or, instead, one with an ever-so-slight possibility
of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining hours at Chez Poulet, we’re more determined than ever to make history
in our own way. We’ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree or so further, trying
to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. The word is that our last two performances have
been our very best so far– we’re going to try to go out with the proverbial bang, a real Shuffle-off-to-Buffalo ending.
Kreative KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he’s got an absolutely terrifying vertiginous
vignette he’s putting together this week, when the mandatory obligatory traditional Monster Clip will show you how an
old break-bulk-type freighter ends up in Davy Jones’s Locker when a horrible thousand-foot long octopus seizes it
in mid-ocean and, wrapping its loathsome rubbery tentacles around the hapless vessel, drags it down into the Abyss,
when …

KrOB, San Francisco, presents:
UP FROM THE DEEPS– THE OCTOPUS CREEPS!
Yes, KrOB’s done it again. The terrifying feeling of “Pursuit from Under,” as called so in James Dickey’s poem, is
epitomized in KrOB’s glimpse of an immeasurably vast sea monster rising up and drowning hapless sailors alone at
sea.
It’s been said (elsewhere, no time to go into it, we really do try to keep these things short and to the point) that this  particular monster octopus has but five tentacles. This has been printed in books, but is false information. It’s actually
a sextopus, OK? “Well, where are the other two tentacles?” we hear you ask. As if you’d really miss them. Look, buddy–
we don’t know much about these furlongs-long octopuses. But we do know that life in the wild is tough, and that
octopuses sometimes lose their tentacles. And you know what? They grow back.
A more serious problem, in our opinion, is the possible tissue damage this one gets from lifting itself too much out of
the water. Or how the nerve impulses can travel swiftly enough over the considerable physical distance between
octo-brain and tentacle tip. But we are content to believe that, as she always does, Nature will find a way.
Melville wrote, by the way, in Moby-Dick, of “…a vast, pulpy mass, furlongs in length.” That’s right, furlongs. This from
Melville, the celebrated precise observer. Look it up: One furlong = one-eighth of a mile, 220 yards, 660 feet or
201.168 meters.
In the Year of our Lord 1896, near St. Augustine, Florida, a chunk of something washed up, 21 feet long, 7 feet wide, and 4 feet tall.
It also had barrel-thick fragments of tentacles, which, together with well-decayed but recognizable ‘hogshead-sized”  infundibuli and
acetabuli, or suckers, strongly suggested a truly giant octopus. The suckers of the giant squid Architeuthis dux are quite different
from those of an octopus.
The stinking heap on the beach in St. Augustine came to the attention of Professor A. Hyatt Verill, who confirmed it as an octopus,
and gave it the name Octopus giganteus (verilli- the discoverer’s prerogative). The carcass was further damaged when a storm took
it out to sea and re-deposited it on the shore. An attempt was made at that time to move the odorous, disgusting mass from the shore
to protect it, and Dr. Webb, fighting down an overpowering nausea, cut some pieces from the carcass, which was eventually taken back
out to sea by tides, to universal relief.
Prof. Webb’s tentacle chunk was sent by rail freight in formaldehyde to what is now the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. at  his
expense, for which, he later wrote with bitterness, he never received compensation, although the consignment was accepted at the
other end.
In the late Seventies or early Eighties– we saved the newspaper article but can’t find it now– this sealed barrel was located in storage
and opened. Advanced tissue sampling techniques confirmed the flesh had come from an octopus, it was announced. This yellowed
newspaper article was headed, “200-FT. OCTOPUS EXISTED, 2 BIOLOGISTS CONTEND.” 
Now, like the better known Giant Squid, the Giant Octopus is probably a deep water creature, and would only rarely be seen alive, though
there are some recorded sightings.
In 1802, Denys de Montfort reported that a ship near Angola was attacked by a monster who endeavored to drag it down with its sucker-
laden tentacles. This monster was stopped, the annals tell us, when the seamen started chopping off its arms.  An often-reproduced
picture of the event shows what is clearly intended as a giant octopus– the creature in the picture has tentacles that would have been
nearly 10 feet thick at the base. In 1951, a broken cable was brought up from 7200 feet. The cable had been fouled by the severed
tentacle of an enormous octopus, which was brought to the surface (the tentacle) and observed before slipping away.  In 1989, a group
in a pleasure craft off the Philippines were flung into the water when a giant tentacle capsized their boat. They waded to the safety of the
shore without further incident. This was near the Mindanao Trench, the very deepest spot in the ocean… Yet another in a series of
unforgettable KrOB “Edits.” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (since Chicken seems to have retired or
sold our “size-challenged” screen). And narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But first, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON!
Every episode of Ask Dr. Hal! begins with the showing of a carefully selected, iconic American animated cartoon. We wish
to highlight and remember our comedic roots here– KrOB shows only the best, relaxing and amusing our audience and getting
them in “the mood.” Last week’s entry was The Legend of Rockabye Point (1955). It was made by Tex Avery after he went
from MGM to the Lantz studios. Avery was one of the all-time great makers of the animated cartoon.
The fascinating thing about the American animated cartoon is that its birth, growth, decay and death all occurred during
a human lifetime. The cartoon developed through the Twenties and Thirties getting better and better. Sound came in, then
color. Subtlety and fidelity to Nature came in. And it was the same guys! Those who animated in the Twenties animated
better in the Thirties and Forties. Disney’s people made giant strides. But since it was always the same group of people, as
they grew old and died their art died with them. Meanwhile, the cigar-chewers behind the scene figured that the public at
large couldn’t tell the difference between the most marvelous Warner Bros. cartoon and the most lug-headed, badly
animated Hanna-Barbera production, which could be made for a third of the cost– and just didn’t care. The theatrical
cartoon was phased out.
Look at Avery– he worked on the earliest Merrie Melodies at Warners. He made great cartoons and went to MGM, the
“prestige” studio, where he (and only he) made even better cartoons. But then he went to Lantz… and still later was an
elderly figure at Hanna-Barbera, roaming their corridors with nothing to do. If he contributed a well-drawn gag, H-B never
used it. It made the rest of their crap look as bad as it was… OK, we discussed the next cartoon with KrOB, who wanted
Bob Clampett’s Falling Hare. Instead, though, we resolved on one of Avery’s MGM marvels, Bad Luck Blackie (1949). Although
Hanna-Barbera stole and degraded Avery’s best ideas, this cartoon still slays ’em. It was voted the fifteenth-best cartoon
of all-time– not too shabby —in a 1994 poll of a thousand animation industry professionals, as referenced in the book The
50 Greatest Cartoons. We’ll give our pal Clampett another time, another day– and that day will surely come… On to Bad Luck
Blackie. Avery’s very un-PC, cheerfully Sadistic cartoon, rather than being partially censored like some others, is today usually
just not shown. We are, on the other hand, taking pains to give you the whole thing, complete and uncut, we think everyone
needs to be exposed to this cartoon, and the version we’re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us
one last time at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet
another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished
popular culture. By the bye– you must know by now that we’re trying to show you something wonderful here. So if you’re
just going to socialize, and choose to ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor– and go outside
and have a cigarette, or play in traffic. Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

“If this film teaches us anything (besides being kind to kittens and [to] beware of black cats) [it] is the importance of logic in
cartoons. Avery isn’t merely laying one gag after another. He is developing the situation, letting it build naturally to a
satisfying conclusion. He sets up rules for his characters to follow and bends them without breaking them. The result may be
irrational, but it is never illogical, and it’s funny as hell.”
–Tony Ginorio, San Juan, Puerto Rico

ZERO BOY– MANHATTAN’S AUDIO ARTIST SUPREME: THE VOCAL VIRTUOSO!
Ask Dr. Hal! proudly brings back one of our favorite fellow-performers. You may have seen him put on a few shows with Dr. Hal
in New York City for the last couple of July play dates at the Theater For the New City at 155 1st Avenue, between East 9th and
East 10th Streets. If you’ve followed our show for the last ten years or so you’ll remember that Zero often showed up to bail us out.
Now see him once more. Buy his CD! Direct from The Moisture Festival in Seattle, Washington– he headlined at that famed
Burlesque-Varietè showcase and will now mystify, delight and amuse you with his hilarious and uncanny vocalizations and
routines. Ladies (he’s available!) and Gentlemen, the Fountain of Fecund Fanfaronade, the Master of Made-up Meanderings,
the Sultan of Sound-Effect Seduction, Zero Boy!
Check out http://www.zeroboy.com/

MAYOR GAVIN NEWSOM TO JOIN HAL SHOW!
Gavin Christopher Newsom, Mayor of the City of San Francisco since his election in 2003, announced that citywide, homicides
are down 61% and crime is down 19.9% compared to this time last year. The San Francisco Police Department (SFPD) attributes
the improved public safety statistics to more officers on the City’s streets, officers walking foot patrols, and because of a zone
strategy that targets resources where they are most needed, officers everywhere you look. Indeed, for the first time since the
mandate was passed in 1994 (don’t you remember?) the City is meeting the agreed-upon minimum police staffing figure of 1,971
officers. That’s what Mayor Newsom thinks we all need, cops, cops and more cops. But ask him yourself! We’re always happy to
greet the Mayor at Ask Dr. Hal! Ever since Chicken John ran for the Mayor’s office, he and his former opponent Mr. Newsom have
been the best of buddies.

HEY, WE GOT…
HOOCHED-UP HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, tawdry, tatty, run-down, beat-up, half-pint, washed-up, low-class, two-bit trailer suspended high
above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic, inbred Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent –and unspecified “services” –for their minimal share of his
echoing, cavernous domain. It’s furtively whispered that they pay not in money but in a certain product produced in
their clandestine “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too absurdly small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly known in
non-Appalachian areas, including Missouri’s Ozark Mountains and the Current River Basin of Missouri, as a reference
used in describing socially backward people that fit certain “countrified,” [e.g. rural] characteristics, largely considered
Celto-Cambrian [Scots-Irish] in descent.In this context, it is often, though not always a derogatory sobriquet. Although
those in question may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, or even bumps, it’s averred that the word is
preferred to such disparaging terms as, say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with
the even less euphonious Redneck.) At any rate, no one in fact has yet been able to discern just how  many there are of
these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will rouse
them out of their stereotypical lair like a seething, frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, apple-knocker alfalfa caterpillars,
backwoods bees, corn-husker chinch bugs, countrified cockroaches, hayseed hornets, hick hog moths, Podunk potato-
flea beetles, rube round-headed apple tree borers, rusticated rice weevils, sodbuster skeeters, or yokel yellow
mealworms. When this happens, the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We’re used to it by
now, of course, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to “ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s
powers. They all OD’d on “moonshine” last week, were staggering around blind drunk and never got sober enough to find
their way and pay us a visit. But we’re sure they’ll be back for our swan song. It’s all we can do to continue when the whole
clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we have to– settle
yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as the whole clan sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a big, friendly
Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned varmint of ’em
all, li’l Lucky. They’ll soon be leaving for Europe– with Chicken… Let the Euros deal with them…

IN A STEW  WITH FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver his
Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14,
15 & 16). These are worth looking up. Then, there’s also a Wikipedia article. Like the original Norton, Frank is shown certain
deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? We will always
welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! Last week’s show, though, was the same day as the St. Stupid’s Day Parade (see The
Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 21) –and Frank, who marched with the throng of Stupid-ites –we saw him there– wore himself
out and never made it to the show. We do think it more than likely that for this our final blow-out, you’ll see him there. See him right now, if you want to, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on the
link you’ll find in the Monstrous Column of URLs at the bottom of The Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER GETS CUTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist. A cool
customer– but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question
at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he
always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it. That settles it.

PETE GOLDIE MAKES THE CASE– FOR SPACE!
In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the
endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this
week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey,
kids! Ask Pete about how Space shuttle Discovery launched Sunday, March 15th, on a construction mission to the
International Space Station. With good visibility, it’s perfect timing for sky-watchers like Pete, since it’s all visible
through backyard telescopes! The mission coincides with a series of ISS flybys over North American towns and
cities. People who go outside after sunset can see the shuttle-station combo with their naked eyes– and view the
changing outlines of the ISS through their ‘scopes. That’s our cosmos for you. And, despite the needlessly abusive low-
comedy sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant,
dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the two forms or an unseemly eructation of
copulating, screaming, roof-dwelling hillbillies) just could be going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l-l-l
about it. Enjoy!

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s four guys doing
improv, on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any John Barleycorn for sale, OK, alcoholics? We don’t do the show in a bar any more. So, though it’s OK
to drink, if you want to you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions
will still be ree-warded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it, folks– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID CAPURRO –
ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS – THE BEST CARTOONS YOU
NEVER SAW – KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR AUDIO PRODIGY ZERO BOY – WITH SPECIAL
GUEST APPEARANCE BY HIS HONOR GAVIN NEWSOM, MAYOR OF THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO – OUR VERY SPECIAL
GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU
THINK YOU CAN COME – OUR DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS
YOU CROSS HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN! ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE HER.
YES, IT’LL BE ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US– AND IS GONE– LONG GONE… ANYWAY, COME
ALL, COME ONE, SHOW’S ALMOST ALL DONE…

SOCIAL NOTES
St. Stupid’s Day dawned warm & clear as April’s first day began. And there was the Parade… Here are various URLs, & you are wel-
come to check ’em out…

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/St__Stupid_s_Day_Parade_Invades_SF_Bay_Area.html
http://laughingsquid.com/saint-stupids-day-parade-2009-photos-video/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=773476947#v=feed
http://www.facebook.com/n/?photo.php&pid=1627717&op=1&view=all&subj=773476947&id=751119212&mid=3f9744G2e1a5253G1df520fG5

But the Ask Dr. Hal! Show had to go on that nite, n’matter how tired anybody was from alla that Parading. And so it did, though bilious
Bob Madigan’s band drew many away from our show. Still, we had another good one. How could it have been otherwise, when we had
Special Guest edifying Eric McFadden of stardom & Shake Well appear as a Guest Artist on our ADH stage… Our Prestige Audience
also included such luminaries as Zap artist sinister Spain Rodriguez, whose latest book is the graphic novel-bio Che, Burning Man
Founder & Doggie Diner-head Steward joltin’ John Law, gentlemanly Geoffrey Smart, rambunctious Rev. Chip, our own dauntless Dave
Capurro’s ready roomie konstant Ken, Odeon Cocaine All-Stars drummer craggy Chris “Skins” Campbell, personable Paul Pot who
eponymously contributed– a great krowd… Righteous Robt. Levy stood athwart the Chez Poulet door, taking in the simoleons… ‘Twas ever
thus… Radiant Rochelle, restorative Robin Coomer of Loop! Station fame– and see below for more– whose unexpected close embrace
during our lonely vigil over the 2-Minute Dance Party revived us mightily, but who had to slip away early to check out singular Sam Bass
on TV– the Station’s mellow cello-ist was appearing on the jesting Jimmy Kimmel Show that eve & ravishing Robin wanted to catch the
program– torrid Tarin Towers, va-va-voom-ish Valerie, our once (& future) Door Girl, pert Pockit and kurvy Kate Willett, who cut a striking
figure on the dance floor– all counted in that other parade that so oft sinuously winds thru the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, the Parade of
Pulchritude… Then there was buxom Blake More, slithering into something comfortable– that damn giant chicken suit, all to assist
paideutic pedant “Prof” Pete Goldie in the presentation of the Sponsor’s Product, rounding off his scientific segment… She looks good
both getting into and out of that well-fitting chicken suit, in the tradition of charismatic “Chicken Dawn” Stott, who has also graced
the feathery garb, and charming Cherry Zombrowski, whose 1-woman show of her own at The Marsh this last March (retro-plug-ola!) was
“Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and Other Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl” (see Social Notes,
The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14)…WORTHY OF NOTE: .HANDS OUT TO Hometown Gal HOLLIS: The fundraising continues, all to provide
financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in India & still in need of funds tho’
now at last in Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th’ community has raised almost 100 grand… You too can take part &
donate– keep in touch with the latest developments at http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or, and this is even better– donate thru
paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com –help do a good deed in this world. WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in
the Noosphere… (VERY) WORTHY OF NOTE: LOST VEGAS is BACK AGAIN! Here it comes– the 17th installment of Lost Vegas! With
overbearing OTTO VON DANGER! The Cheese Puffs! The wondrous Wink ‘n’ yearning Yoni Show! Marvelous Miriam Telles floats over our
heads on the Trapeze! With Tango # 9! Shake Well! MongoLounge! Jammin’ Jessy Roadkill!  Cute Contorting Tara Quinn! Free-range
Freakotronic! Slinky Sparkle Motion! And more, more more stuff & stars not confirmed yet… With every one of the games that you hate
to love to play: Cockroach Racing! Craps! Rat Roulette! Blackjack! Lunging ‘Loid’s Bicycle Wheel Slot Machine! Big Dice! All for prizes–
valueless prizes, prizes, prizes! Don’t forget to stop in to the Wee Bide-a-Wee Chapel o’ the Pines, where Double-team Divines Rev. Dr. Hal
and Chaplain “Bishop” Ben Burke will unite happy couples in Short Duration Holy Matrimony (by Special Dispensation of the Church of the
SubGenius)! And, Gentlemen– there’s the Harem Room. Whatever that is. But if you depend on those Little Blue Pills– bring ’em! That’s Lost
Vegas # 17— at CELLspace, 2050 Bryant St., San Francisco, on Saturday, April 11th!  WORTHY OF NOTE: FILM FUN Flash! Kinky KrOB’s Film
Farm on the Bus has… flipped over from Monday to Tuesday night! Repeat: NOT MONday but TUESday! We know, we were shocked too. Just
the same, this is the last one, and if you want to be aboard, schedule accordingly. The picture? Not a Double Feature for this last outing, but one
lo-o-ong movie: IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD, (Stanley Kramer, 1963). A fine movie to see on a bus, let alone on the bus. When it
first appeared it seemed bloated– not all that funny. Still, there was that which drew you into it. And every year since it’s seemed a better movie.
With the dream cast of the ages… But let kandid KrOB deliver the pitch:”Yes, a movie night on Chicken’s (APPLAUSE) Bus. Simple, you might
think… or you might just think simply. In either case, FILM FARM and DRIVE-OUT THEATER is a triumph of artificial selection… That’s probably
why it’s confused so many naturalists. Five years ago, it was spawned in the soggy dark of the Odeon Bar. Strange fertility gave rise to its
‘more than pure’ aesthetic. After the closing of the Odeon, it resurfaced for a short time. The indifference of Normalcy, which became locally
known as ‘Antigenic Drifter Syndrome’ or ‘Advertisements’ very nearly destroyed the show. Since then, back in the subtle care of Odium
Magistrato KrOB and Ringmonster Chicken John, it’s survived and prospered.. and for more than a year it’s evolved into the rolling cinema it
is today. Last year we did FILM FARM and it went something a little like this [Go to the following PUZZLING EVIDENCE You Tube video stream]:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyqgdRdQgNc Here’s what our Captain has to say about it [KrOB konfides]: ‘Drive out movie. You get on the
bus at Ritual at 7:00 on Tuesday, April 7th! We drive somewhere… We go to a place. Do a thing. The bus has 2 screens. It’s comfortable and fun.
And kinda stupid. KrOB edits little things for before and after the movies. They are amuzing (sic). There is popcorn. The movies he picks are
great. I drive. We get back around Midnight.’  “The show‘s for people with their eyes wide open, who never see it coming,” kasual KrOB kontinues.
“Our Final Installment for this season of FILM FARM takes us to the Charles M. Schultz Sonoma County Airport to look at some old planes (a
very cheap knockoff of the Mojave Airplane Graveyard Tour… no real comparison except to say that there ARE some old (flupped)-up jets and
there ARE a couple of movie references – our feature presentation being one of them) and head to my friend‘s (MOSTLY MAGIC) store in Santa
Rosa. Once downtown, we’ll have a snack (I recommend Gary Chu’s Chinese Food) and visit Ken Garr, the owner of the shop and an extremely
funny guy, buy some rubber chickens and squirting nickels, and maybe, just maybe we’ll get a magic show… if you’re good, kids! Whattaya
say? But wait– there’s more! FREE CANDY!! EYENOISE!! OLD-FASHIONEDS, MIXED ON A MOVING VEHICLE!! –and lots MORE SURPRISES!
(‘Surprises’ ‘being: things you may or may not actually like, and would certainly never, ever pay for…) WOO-HOO!” So that’s it, according to
kompletist KrOB. Whew! All this plug-ola’s really bloating the ole Column. And we’re not thru yet. Anyway, that’s th’ skinny on the Last Voyage of
Film Farm. Be at Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street at 7:00 PM Sharp. Have $10.00– and wotta bargain –ready for the Driver. Flash! Loop!
Station is coming to Yoshi’s! It’s hard to describe what they do if you’ve been unlucky enuff not to see and hear them yet– we could just say,
along with Chicken, that they’re the best band in San Francisco. However you tell it, singular Sam Bass plays the cello while ravishing Robin
Coomer unlimbers her fabulous voice– it’s never clear just who is “accompanying” whom– while they simultaneously record loops of the music as
they produce it, and play and sing along with these loops as they go. It is fairly clear that their innovative use of the newest looping technology
enables them to create visceral compositions with strangely compelling emotional power. Nobody else does this– and nobody could sing like
radiant Robin. Once you’ve heard them– well, we confess to hearing them in our dreams sometimes. Now, Friday, April 17th you can also hear
—and see them at Yoshi’s (the S.F.one, not the Oakland one). Yoshi’s San Francisco, if you’ve never been, is at 1330 Fillmore at Eddy, on the
ground floor of the Fillmore Heritage Center. That’s on the front side of the building. If you drive there in a polluto-mobile, valet parking is
available, or just park yourself in the garage conveniently beneath the building. You’ll find the entrance on Eddy Street. Click on this handy URL: http://www.yoshis.com/sanfrancisco, you clickers. LOOP! SCOOP: —Now it’s available– Loop! Station‘s newest CD, Love vs. Love. We’re
assuming that you have their other CDs. This one will complete the set– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on this right now: cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more on all this at www.loopthis.com— & support your local arts, if you’ve got the smarts… WORTHY OF
NOTE: FAINEANT FOLLIES: The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you know what that means (or would like to), have we got a project for you! Go
to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio. Once you’re there, tune it to 107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a
continuous forty-five minute specially engineered dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM
in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… WORTHY OF NOTE: Could be you saw how Stars & Garters, along with kompliant KrOB & devoted Dr. Hal,
performing with curvaceous Claire Mack, Joyous Jessy Roadkill & Juniper-fresh Jessy Face(among others) put on a puppet-&-people segment
based on the Hindenburg Zeppelin Crash Disaster @ the Lakehurst, N.J. Naval Air Station, with mind-breaking Special Effects, over at
Amnesia? Flash! There’s more at Amnesia– don’t forget! DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS! You guessed it, Pilgrim–Diabolical Dr.
Hal & the Band are roaring back! Once again the All-Stars— consonant Chicken, jammin’ Jason, cool cat Chris Campbell and demented Dr. Hal are
coming out of sequestration to do a music set– this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St., between 19th & 20th-– on Sunday nite– April 19th. Come
hear deft Dr. Hal sing with the band. We’re working up some new songs & old favorites, & we will wreak roccocco ‘n’ roll upon you… Keep
watching this space, while on to the end we race…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs. Remember, if it won’t play, try watching in High Quality…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email

See you Wednesday night!