PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE FIRST OF OUR SHOWS
THIS MONTH–  A SUPER-SPECTACLE WE CALL…
Ask Dr. Hal’s 17-Gun-Salute!
——ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–

WEDNESDAY, March 4th!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME— more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( C  H  E  A  P  ! )

N O   O N E   T U R N E D   A W A Y !

( A   B A R G A I N ! )
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness.

Just on the edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                 No. 17

“March is the month of expectation,
The things we do not know,
The Persons of Prognostication
Are coming now.
We try to sham becoming firmness,
But pompous joy
Betrays us, as his first betrothal
Betrays a boy.”
                                           — Emily Dickinson, XLVIII

THIS WEEK:
END IN SIGHT! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – RADIO REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS – THE LAND UNKNOWN – BABY BOTTLENECK – CLAMPETT  FOREVER – CAPPY’S  MASTER PLAN – PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM – GAMMA RAY BURSTS – HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – …FRENCH KISSING THE DOG… – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS; MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE FEATURES,
MATCHING DESTINATIONS – COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE – JOHN LAW & THE SPACE BETWEEN –ROBIN & SAM SLAY ‘EM – BUY LOVE vs. LOVE – YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NEWEST CLIPS –

IT’S ALWAYS a rare privilege to perform the Ask Dr. Hal! Show. And we do try to please.But these shows are coming to an end. Who says so? Chicken John. He‘s going off to play with boats in Europe— to mess around installing cumbrous internal combustion engines from massive American
cars in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” –and since the show these days takes place in his house, there’s a problem. Though everyone else in our cast would be quite happy to keep on with a “guest host” (such arrangements have been made successfully before), restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he‘s away and unable to prevent them from invading, shuffling into the various rooms including
his sanctum sanctorum, stealing his good silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers and “borrowing” (permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we‘re (soon going to be) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce, we begin our dreaded…

COUNTDOWN TO DOOM!
It’s still not clear how many shows are left in this cycle. Certainly we‘ll run through March, maybe do a
few in April. Who knows? Not Chicken, not yet. But when he firms up his plans, we will let you know
right in this space the exact diminishing number of opportunities remaining to experience the awe and
mystery, the wonder and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, we call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE‘LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF’s
popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our
radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us
despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he
exercised the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR‘s chief factotum blew a
gasket– and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to see
any of our miserable mugs again– in short, none of us can e’er return.
FAINT GLIMMERS OF HOPE?
There do exist a few slight shadows of hope for doing some sort of post-Chicken performances, even
some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty
KrOB Sabrepop himself would tell you, “That was no “Boating Accident.” So we have only to say, keep
watching this space to see if the idea of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope–
or instead one with an ever-so-slight chance of becoming real. Meanwhile, we‘re determined to make
history in our own way. We‘ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree
or so further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. KrOB’s on the job,
as always, brewing up new surprises. And he‘s got a real winner this week, when the traditional obligatory
Monster Clip will transport you to a hidden world of primordial terrors, as…

KrOB, San Francisco, introduces:
THE LAND UNKNOWN!
Oversized Monitor Lizards! Man-eating carnivorous plants! The strangest-looking Tyrannosaurus you
have ever seen! In a hidden sub-Antarctic world, hapless humans contend with giant reptiles of the past.
Now KrOB takes you to an unsuspected concealed biota below the Arctic ice cap. Dinosaurs, plesiosaurs,
pterodactyls and yes, even huge, man-munching plants are the real stars. Hidden and implicit in all such
stories of lost prehistoric lands, we belive, is the implication and sure knowledge of the eternal presence
of the past, which, seen here as a trap or predicament to be escaped from, is never really (though apparently
overtly “over”). We do have to admit, they really are an odd-looking bunch of funny-looking critters this time,
though. Yes, just get an eyeload of what the indefatigable KrOB‘s prepared for this week! Another iteration in
a series of unforgettable KrOB “Edits!” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if  you
prefer to, on our “size-challenged” screen). Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But, before that…

WE START…  WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
That’s right– we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen one of the great animated cartoons,
hand-made masterpieces lovingly selected by KrOB. Eight minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed
to film, like last week’s entry, when we brought you, as promised, one of the best works of the legendary Tex
Avery. But now, KrOB gleefully presents another by our all-time favorite cartoon director, the late Bob Clampett.
On deck is Baby Bottleneck (1946). Here’s the set-up: Porky Pig & Daffy Duck are hard at work in the Baby
Factory. You know, that industrial plant where all the babies are manufactured. But, wouldn’t you know it, there
are… production problems. In fact, things go very wrong… Spoiler alert! Clampett’s cartoons were the hippest
thing back in their day, and swarm with pop-culture references which now need to be translated for the unknowing.
When, at the end, for example, Mrs. Gorilla, in the African jungle, is delivered an extremely strange baby from the
factory, she gets on the phone right away and calls the “Mr. Anthony Show.” This was a radio show where callers
phoned in their questions and, saying the line, “Mr. Anthony, I have a problem!” they then had them answered on
the air. Kind of like… like… well, like the Ask Dr. Hal! Show! Just clearing that up.Simply, it’s a great cartoon. As in
the rest of this director’s work, though, it runs into censorship problems in today’s namby-pamby age. Even if you
somehow get to watch it somewhere– and good luck with that, since those who turn out today’s animation keep
this stuff from being shown, certain scenes are almost always snipped by the goody-goodys, for your “protection.”
For example, the scene of the Stork getting drunk, really bombed (at the Stork Club, natch). Or when the baby
alligator is mis-routed to Mrs. Pig, rears back and goes for her nipples with snapping, toothy jaws, Mrs. Pig leans
right over and says… but why give anything more away? KrOB will show the whole thing. We sneer at censors at
Ask Dr. Hal! So join us at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to
catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it
all down) mostly vanished popular culture. You must know by now that we‘re trying to show you something
wonderful here. If you‘re just going to socialize and ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else
a favor and go outside and have a cigarette. Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very
moment the cartoon ends.

” …among the most moving and creatively inspired of all cartoons.”
                                       — John Kricfalusi

“The acting and gags here walk hand in hand, and come off as being effortless- what skill!  …After the cartoon
ended, I was out of breath, I was reeling from what I had just seen. I decided there that I had just seen the most
amazing cartoon ever! …The point I’m getting to is… for those of you that have not seen this particular cartoon-–
DON’T JUST SIT THERE! Go watch it, for crying out loud!
–Kali Fontecchio, Old Men with Kazoos & Beating Drums

HEY, WE GOT…
HOVERING HILLBILLIES !
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rusticated
Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for
their minimal share of his cavernous domain. It’s whispered that they pay not in money but in the product produced
in their concealed “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in
non-Appalachian areas as a reference in describing socially backward people that fit certain rusticated
characteristics. In this context, it is often, though not always, derogatory. Although the described persons may not
reside in a region that has hills of any kind, it is substituted in place of more disparaging terms like, say, white trash.
In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able to determine just
how  many there are of these folks at Chicken‘s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show,
audience laughter, etc. –will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants,
hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters, backwoods bees, countrified cockroaches or yokel yellow mealworms. When
this happens, the show may suffer a momentary interruption. We‘re used to it by now, after all this time. But we can’t
tell you just to “ignore this rowdy tribe,” as that is beyond anyone’s powers, when the whole clan suddenly erupts in
mid-show. Just proffer a big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course),
the smallest hellion of them all, li’l Lucky.

A YOO-HOO TO FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we‘ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver
his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos.
14, 15 & 16). We‘ve covered the basis (sorry) of his Weltanshauung and even given an account of a certain significant
event in his past, which, in a single night, created the person familiar to all of us today. Like the original Norton, Frank
is shown deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? Mr.
Chu has been holding street protests against former U.S. Presidents, corporations and the vast extraterrestrial cabal of
The 12 Galaxies in San Francisco and nearby locales since at least 1995. He often allows idiots to bait him– and never
loses his temper. All he wants is to keep exposing his special message to the world. Now, whether or not Frank‘s
“delusional” (as if we care), there’s no doubt that he has evolved a perfectly-suited method of dealing with whatever
trauma originally set him on the course he now follows. Much so-called mental illness, in fact, is a one-size-fits-all
diagnosis which ignores the utility of the custom-crafted world view to the individual subject. Most people
instinctively realize that agreement with Frank is preferable to opposing him. Those who have not come to this
conclusion not only tend to be clueless jerks, but also don’t understand that if they ever did succeed in shaking Frank
from his Zegnotronic sanctuary, in doing so they would be endangering him– and, it’s not unlikely, themselves. And
howsoever this may be, we will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! You‘ll see him there.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist– but he really
lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get
Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he always succeeds. He
sure can do it.

PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing
segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries
made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about how NASA spacecraft are monitoring
blasts of gamma-ray energy from a star 30,000 light years distant! Some of the flares have packed more total energy than the
Sun puts out in 20 years! And, you know, we‘re damned lucky these blasts, or gamma-ray bursts, are so far away. As Pete
recently took the trouble to point out  (We were listening– were you?), even remotely, these events have in the past had enough
energy to ionize Earth‘s entire atmosphere. What he was too circumspect to say is that these bursts, if near enough to us,
could easily wipe out all life on this planet, sterilizing it and scrubbing it clean. Whew! And, despite the abusive sallies of
Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized
chicken or an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l
about this and other unimaginable cosmic terrors, shrinking all human achievement to infinitesimal dimensions
before the ruthless majesty of the Cosmos. Enjoy!

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing
improv on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”

NOT A BAR— BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, though it’s OK to drink, you
need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in the traditional
manner— with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how Paul Pot and David “Cappy”
Capurro (see above) do it (see above) –and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

SOCIAL NOTES…
That Giant Chicken was not seen last wk. @ ADH as the Sponsor’s Product was brought out during “Piazzi” Pete
Goldie’s astro-wrap-up segment. Instead, remiss Robert Levy ambled out with the unfortunate fowl’s feathery
integument draped casually over his protruberant plastron. We live for the day when some cutie dons & fills out the
chicken outfit, like delectable Dawn Stott, Junoesque Justin Credible, or curvy Cherry Zombrowski, whose 1-woman
show of her own at The Marsh this March (plug-ola!) is “Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and
Other Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl” (see Social Notes, The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14), But
there were lookers-a-plenty at the show anyway, including gorgeous Gwen Knapp, sexy Starling, ultra-attractive Ursula
G. (gee!) pneumatic Paula Repp, and slinky Sylvia Harris of Oaktown… Th’ Parade of Pulchritude (almost) always
manages to make its way thru our doors, p’rhaps to check out some of the manly men who also pay their way, such as
jocund John Law, peripatetic Paul da Plumber & dashing D.S. Black, Pale Scholar of the Unhallow’d Arts… Princely
Puzzling Evidence shot more of the show for You Tube placement (see below for two more of his latest entries)… Jovial
John Shirley, noted author of Cyberpunk, Litpunk & justplainpunk works, planted himself in the front row… Then there
was Burning Man’s own incendiary Ivan Price (no relation to Rube Waddell’s famed Freddi), canoodling with fetching Fan
Ameke… they shd. getta room… Radiant Rhiannon (rhymes with Shannon) Charisse couldn’t be missed, and we also
welcomed partying Paul Pot– thanx, by the bye, for the dopacious donative… Unless we mixed up last week’s Social Notes,
we were (re) visited by jumpin” Jimmy Cross, redoubtable Richard Sheehy, righteous Rico (of Blanche & Rico fame), and
sine qua non Spud Man… Worthy of Note: The country may be Hellbound (to financial fracture & fissipation), but there’s
one Silver Lining: KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus is back! Yes, each Monday, March 9th thru the 30th— the last four
Mondays in March, meet in front of Ritual Roasters on Valencia at 7:00 PM & board the Big Green Bus. then hold on
for the ride as “Columbus” Chicken pilots the famed vehicle, while KrOB’s Movie Show unrolls on two separate screens,
one in front & one in back. Each show’s a Double Feature– the first (March 9th) will be X – the Unheard Music, followed
by The Future is Unwritten, featuring the late Joe Strummer. The trip will be to the Albany Bulb for a Punk Rock Campfire
with music, laughter & much mischief. We’ll all be back ’round Midnite. The whole thing is a bargain– just ten measly
bucks… Also Worthy: There’s always a lot goin’ on in Ess Eff (besides the Dr. Hal Show) that th’ Conspiracy Media never
sniffs out under its own snooty, turned-up snoot. No wonder the Chron seems to be gasping its last… Case in point: the
Titanic Struggle between downtown’s Jejune Institute, helmed by fiendish oligarch Octavio Coleman, Esq. and the free
forces of Elsewhere, over the allegiance and souls of the Nonchalants. Who they? Well, if you’re in upper Dolores Park, you
can find out by listening to a continuous hour-and-forty-five minute broadcast made by us (our Nonchalant Rank is
Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM in (((stereo)))… And if you think you can resist the insidious, snaky
power of their incredibly devious but fascinating indoctrination, the Jejune Institute will welcome you if you traipse
downtown to their lofty skyscraper HQ on Kearny St. We don’t recommend it, & you probably shouldn’t call them @ (415)
325-4014… Speaking of Bus Trips, another aboard courageous Chicken John’s famed Odeon Applause Bus will be on Thurs.,
March 5th, the day following the ADH show. It’ll start @ the renowned City Lights bookstore on Columbus Ave., since
judicious John Law will read there from his new book The Space Between & have a signing– it’s about bridges & their lore.
Then we– & you? –board the bus and drive over a few… These Bus Trips shd. never be missed. We just took one to San Jose
to see radiant Robin Coomer & sharp Sam Bass sing & play on stage with Ballet San Jose for The Way we Fall, choreographed
by artful Alexsandra Meijer. Tho’ this ballet ended with a superlative tango tribute, one of the most delightful things we’ve seen
in years, it was ravishing Robin & stoked-up Sam who tore down the house w/ their amazing tour-de-force performance. They
debuted their newest CD, Love vs. Love. Get it at Fry’s Electronics– or by clicking on cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get
more on all this at www.loopthis.com –and whenever you hear about one of these Bus Trips, cancel whatever else you’ve got
going & get aboard! ‘Nuff said…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! —on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs.

More of February 18th‘s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB
Moment:

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
several questions.
Just go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NVLPHyiExc

See selected clips from November 19th‘s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words.
Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs

The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For those who would like to indulge themselves in one
final wallow, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate
Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint. Yowza!
Go to:

See you Wednesday night!