Andar (more “youthful” than Turok, anyway), discovered a Lost Land teeming with prehistoric fauna of all different
previous ages, mostly dinosaurs of the Mesozoic, which they called “honkers,” but also Cenozoic mammalian (and
avian) megafauna and even primitive Neandertal-like humanoids. His adventures were delineated, back in the 50’s
and on into the 60’s and 70’s, in comic books from Western Publishing, licensed to Dell Comics. He first appeared
(comic book fans take note) in Four Color Comics #596 (October/November 1954), then graduated to his own title,
Turok, Son of Stone. Gold Key and Valiant comics later published the character, but Valiant ruined the whole
set-up, in this writer’s opinion, with its inartful cheapening of the wonderful basic idea. Valiant just should have
created its own musclebound character and not tried to twist Turok into their depressing fanboy formula. Well, what
KrOB‘s showing is far more true to the original conception. Turok and Andar are now 17th or 18th Century Indians
fleeing a vengeful enemy of another tribe, the cruel Chichak (there are “honkers” but no honkies in Turok‘s world–
all takes place among Native Americans, with a few Cave Men thrown into the mix). Through a dimensional vortex, they
enter, but like the story in the comics, can’t leave the “Lost Land,” which isn’t even in our own space-time continuum.
But they soldier on, battling Miocene “terror birds,” Cretaceous dinosaurs, pterosaurs and plesiosaurs– you know the
drill. So, for unique Indians vs. Dinosaurs thrills, get a load of what the indefatigable KrOB‘s prepared for this week!
Yet another in a series of unforgettable KrOB “Edits!” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if
you prefer to, on our “size-challenged” screen). But, before that…
We like to start the show with a bang– and we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen a great animated
cartoon, lovingly selected by KrOB– eight minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to film. Last week we
brought you, as promised, Tex Avery’s Swing Shift Cinderella (1945). This was an altogether great cartoon (see The
Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14) and, since rain and hail worked against our attendance, giving us a very small house,
we‘ll probably show it again some time, breaking our usual “no-repeat” rule. But this week, we’re back with Warner
Bros. Cartoons and our all-time favorite cartoon director, the late Bob Clampett, whom Dr. Hal and his sister Martha
were privileged to know personally. And this is a stand-out, a great cartoon among a track record of great cartoons. It
might even be Clampett‘s best work, and that’s saying a lot. It’s Kitty Cornered (1946) featuring Porky Pig vs. an army
of fractious cats, including, for the first time ever in a Looney Tunes cartoon, Sylvester the cat. It’s the only time
Sylvester ever appeared in a Clampett-directed cartoon. We warn you– this one is so funny that you could actually
injure yourself laughing (it’s been known to happen). Kitty Kornered is Clampett‘s final cartoon starring his longtime
star Porky Pig (if you don’t count the cameo in Clampett‘s next cartoon, The Great Piggy Bank Robbery as a trolley
driver). Kitty Kornered’s an astonishing little film, like all Clampett‘s work. It moves like lightning and is packed with ten
times as many gags, on all different levels, as were found even in most Warner Bros. cartoons. And, wouldn’t you know it
(is there a pattern emerging here?)– like so many of the cartoons KrOB‘s been showing, the censors have cut it in the past.
What could those infernal Nervous Nellies find censorable in Kitty Cornered? Incredibly, it’s a scene where, after Porky
tries to throw the cats out but they throw him out, the cats drink alcohol, read comics, and smoke cigars –ooh,
civilization would just fall if that were allowed to be shown– before Porky bursts in and… well, we won’t give any more
away. But we guarantee, as always, that no censorship will be in evidence at the Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret— we‘re
taking pains to give you, as almost never seen these days, the whole thing, complete and uncut. So join us this
Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now
(that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture. Remember, our show will start right
up at the very moment the cartoon ends.
” [ Clampett‘s] almost Surrealist style… heavily influenced by Salvador Dali, [lets] his characters routinely twist and
bend into outlandish shapes and inanimate objects blithely defy the laws of physics… [The} cats hatch a plan to oust
Porky from his house once and for all, by dressing up as Martians and pretending to broadcast a news story that
Mars has invaded the Earth. It is a great cartoon, full of boundless energy and with the sublime Mel Blanc providing
all the voices.”
NATIVE AMERICANS BATTLE BIRDS, CARNOTAURUSES, PTEROSAURS— YOU NAME IT!
We’re aware, thank you, that KrOB‘s Monster Edits aren’t always everyone‘s cup of granola. You can’t please everybody
all of the time, to paraphrase Mr. Lincoln, even at Ask Dr. Hal! Of course, we greatly appreciate those of you who have
made the effort to tell us when you did enjoy the clip, or the cartoon, or anything we put before you. That being said, we‘re
also very aware that this whole Indians-versus-dinosaurs thing may strike some as racially insensitive on our part. Hasn’t
the Red Man suffered enough? Well, you should only see some of the cartoons and clips we don’t show. It’s all carefully
vetted; KrOB and Dr. Hal are not ones to shy away from any subject from fear of “political correctness” (which back in the
18th Century they described using the shorter and better term Cant) but there is just no point in making people
uncomfortable when they could be having a good time at our show. One interesting thing about Turok, though, is that
the movie it comes from, a production of Film Roman, the studio which also produces The Simpsons for Fox TV, uses
the voices of actual Native Americans. Oglala/Lakota Sioux actor and activist Russell Means, Graham Greene and other
well-known “Indian” performers have had the script submitted to them –and have all approved it– moreover, they‘ve even
provided the voices. From this, KrOB‘s krafted his typically entertaining, customized excerpt, which, as it features always
satisfying anachronistic human-dinosaur conflict, is, of course, right up our (metaphorical) alley. So come to see the
Native-American approved KrOB klip of Amerinds contending with Mesozoic megafauna. Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal.
HOVERING HILLBILLIES !
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rustic Po’Bucket
Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for their minimal
share of his cavernous domain. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in non-Appalachian areas as a reference in describing
socially backward people that fit certain “hillbilly” characteristics. In this context, it is often (though not always)
derogatory. Although the described persons may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, it is substituted in place of
more disparaging terms like white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in
fact has yet been able to determine just how many there are of these folks at Chicken‘s. But be warned that quite often the
sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of
Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters or backwoods bees. When this happens, the show may suffer a
momentary interruption. We can’t tell you just to “ignore them,” as that is beyond anyone’s powers, when the family
suddenly erupts in mid-show. Just proffer a big Howdy-do! to Family Units Moses, Spy and (of course) li’l Lucky. FRANK CHU? YES, IT’S TRUE!
Yes, Frank is back! And we‘ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to
deliver his Message! The tangled tale of Frank Chu (born March 24th, 1960) continues in these pages. We‘ve
covered the basis of his Weltanshauung in our previous installments, but now we‘ll go a little deeper. Of course,
much remains mysterious, but we do know Mr. Chu has been holding street protests against former U.S.
Presidents, corporations and the vast extraterrestrial cabal of The 12 Galaxies in San Francisco and nearby
locales since at least 1995. We also know that his uniquely derived ideology of Zegnotronics holds former
president William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton responsible for directing the CIA to withhold payment to him during
the presidency of George Herbert Walker Bush. Payment for what? Well, it seems that Frank was, without his
knowledge, the star of a “reality” TV show, “The Richest Family.” broadcast during the administration of the first
President Bush. He and his family, Frank says, were secretly recorded and their daily lives fully covered by this
show. Because of this, he won’t cease his protest until paid his “$20 Billions.” He hopes that once started, this
wave of publicity will cause a public outcry, resulting in the retroactive impeachments of all culpable living former
U.S. Presidents and the awarding (to Mr. Chu) of $20 billion dollars to compensate for all damages he and his
family have suffered. About those damages: In early 1985, Chu, then 24 years old, took 11 members of his family
hostage in his home in Oakland. The police arrived in force, and Chu took a shot at them, firing a .38 pistol at one
police officer who came to investigate, but missed, lucky for him. In those days, though, as strange as it may seem
to us, bringing the police into a domestic disturbance wasn’t an automatic death sentence. The cops didn’t just gun
you down for even suggesting a “threatening move.” Instead, in this case, police cordoned off a ten-block area for
three hours. Frank survived the encounter, and eventually released his hostages and surrendered. But… he wasn’t
the same man. From that point on, he has been the Frank we all know. Ever since then, he has carried his sign. COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro provides a running visual commentary as the show
goes on. We mention a topic, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. It usually turns out to be
a highly improper one, too, one of the Guignol pan-sexual grotesqueries endlessly offered up by the Internet. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, often seems to bring his own fan club with him, thus swelling our attendance–
just one of the reasons we love him. While all this is taking place, “Cappy,” unstymied by the effort of keeping the
show connected to the digital world, engages, as is well known, in incessant schemes to bilk an ever-more choleric
Chicken of as many free shots as his inserted questions can receive, as the ones considered superior are rewarded in
this curious fashion for their excellence and entertainment value. And– sometimes he unexpectedly shows certain…
pictures of us. These have often in the past proven to be of an embarrassing or revealing nature. It’s amazing what a
really skillful operator can extract from supposedly protected sources. Who knows? Maybe he‘ll suddenly put up some
raw shot of you, one you thought private– or never even knew existed. Everybody laughs, and laughs. What a sense
of humor the guy has. Heh, heh, heh. But we guess you really have to be there to appreciate this. So, share the
pain! Be there!
PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing
segment, “Waste of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made
in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about the interesting profile presented by the
night sky this month! If it would only stop raining, or just clear a little bit, open cluster M41, the Tau Canis Majoris
Cluster, and Thor‘s Helmet ought to be nicely visible in the next few days. If we know Pete, given good conditions for
viewing, he‘ll be taking a personal recce through his own telescope. Then, despite the abusive sallies of Chicken, as
sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken or
an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about it.
CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing
improv on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”
NOT A BAR— BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, it’s OK to
drink, but BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded
in the traditional manner— with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro do it– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!
THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE
GOLDIE – DAVID CAPURRO – ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS –
FERNET GIVEAWAYS – CARTOONS – KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL
GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR
SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME – OUR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL
TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD.
COME ALL, COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN… SOCIAL NOTES…
Rain & hail, just one of the features of California’s Worst Drought Ever (according to hometown rag the
S.F. Chronicle) separated the hardcore ADH fans from the fair-weather sailors last Wed. nite– still, The
Show Must Go On, & so we did– to a shall we say, intimate group… Small the crowd may have been, but
they were enthusiastic, which we like… And must size really be our only delineator of value? Like a jewel
box, the quorum @ the Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret, tho’ minuscule, yet contained spectacular human
gems– not garnets or cubic zirconias, either, but more on the order of star sapphires and diamonds.
F’rinstance, supernal Solar Lab graced us w/ a visit… the achingly beautiful, sensational Solar was
undaunted enuff by the Fury of the Elements to put in a welcome appearance. But now we have to break a
story that were better unbroke: the Beauty Drain continues from poor old Ess Eff., & seductive Solar let on
that she’s leaving this olde town for the stews of NYC to pursue her lofty edjumacational goals. Horrible
news it is; away she goes, following angel-voiced Ariela Morganstern and other glamour dolls, former
stalwarts of the scene as they continue the sad tradition of the Aphroditic anabasis into the wormy old Big
Apple. She did suggest a faint chance of a return, however– a straw at which we grapple, so our fidgeting
fingers will remain cross’d… Also toughing it out, weather-wise, wuz lantern-jawed John Law, undaunted
by lashings of rain… And one of our favorite people, who’s been fighting a long illness & we really didn’t
expect to see, Junoesque Julie Holabird made it thru the barrage… Dapper Don Bruce and transcendental
Tracy Feldstein, who were (re)married last wk. @ Ask Dr. Hal! by Deacon Dr. Hal, made it to take in the
show… Peripatetic Paul da Plumber, nefarious Ned Sto, Pantagruelion-puffer Paul Pot & even kingly
Kimric Smythe of steampunk/Neverwas Haul fame were also amongus… Kool kat Kimric was dowered with
a generous gift from cheerful Chicken John– matching jumpsuits, suitable for stokers over at the Shipyard,
for him and co-conspirator steam-head Shannon O’Hare… But kourteous Kimric also brought us a little
somethin’, viz. a fortune-telling Giant Fortune Cookie, which has now joined the Arsenal of Prophetick
Devices we hold in readiness to answer queries from chintzy chaps & cheapskate chapettes who forbear
to fork over a few tawdry simoleons for desperate Dr. Hal’s empty eleemosynary envelopes. ADH
marches on! ‘N addition to frantic Frank Chu, whose bio, or hagiography continues in this ish of the Dr. Hal
Report (see above), the Po’bucket Family favored us with a little musical number, wherein a Domestic
Disturbance see-guayed inta an almost pornographic personal reconciliation, right there in front o’
everyone. More than just rain, love wuz in the air. Ravishing Robin Coomer, known not only from Loop!
Station & Shake Well but also as a chanteuse on her own, traveling with Portfolio, arrived too late for any of our
carryings-on. But she was there, we boast– why weren’t you? Don’t give us that rain crappola. We saw
rapturous Robin the nite of Valentine’s Day t’other nite @ Cellspace, where we useta do shows with Chicken
back in the day. For an unprepared audience of hedonistic hipsters, La Coomer absolutely floored ’em– the
near rows stopped dancing & attended in wonder– when she sang with the band. No one else has a voice like
hers– one of those legendary voices & performances who only come along once in a generation, if then…
Maybe we can get her to do a number at our little event. This time, by the bye, the whole megilla, usually
lensed by puissant Puzzling Evidence, went unrecorded, since perambulating Puzzo was out exploring the
remote desert under (we hope) a full moon. But he’ll be back on the job this time, and then choice chunks will
doubtless be wending their way to You Tube via his tireless efforts, to find pixel-ated immortality… Which
brings us to th’ section directly below…
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you can!
Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! —on You Tube! It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s
time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there in person! How?
How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click, on these handy URLs.
Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th‘s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):
Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):
Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):
Peruse the second part of January 28th‘s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):
The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th‘s performance sensation (Pt. 3):
View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):
The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel (Pt. 2):
Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):
The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):
Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):
The second half of PUZZ-EV‘s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):
Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):
Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th
Scope out outréout-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:
Take in tantalizing tid-bits from ourDecember 10th show. Try clicking on this:
Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this,or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:
Audit choice fragmentsfrom our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
Just go to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NVLPHyiExc See selected clips from November 19th‘s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words.
final wallow, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate
Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint.
See you Wednesday night!