The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX No. 14
ON INTO FEBRUARY!
“If you won’t be my Valentine
I’ll scream, I’ll yell, I’ll bite.
I’ll cry aloud, I’ll start to whine
If you won’t be my Valentine.
I’ll frown and fret, I’ll mope and pine, and
It will serve you right…”
–Myra C. Livingston
SWING SHIFT CINDERELLA – GIANT ALBINO GORILLA vs. PREHISTORIC
CAVE BEAR – HILLBILLY HOEDOWN – THE FRANK CHU STORY, PART 1 –
CAPPY SEES YOU – PETE GOLDIE ‘S STARRY COSMOS – DEADLY COMET LOOMS IN FEB. SKIES – HOUSE RULES – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL
NOTES – MARRIED YET AGAIN – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – YOKED WITH
YOU TUBE –
AS we fare on for the fourteenth episode of Ask Dr. Hal! for the second of our four
shows of February, the struggle between altruism and pragmatism, gentleness and savagery, ingenuity
opposing sheer brute force, light versus darkness– even biped vs. tetrapod and anthropoid vs.animaloid–
all are brought to memorable life with an explicitness which transcends any allegorical origin in KrOB’s
classic stop-motion confrontation on Ask Dr. Hal’s Giant Screen. It will happen. So, it might as well
happen when you visit us. Come to our show, and it all will happen the night when you’re there– the night
KrOB, San Francisco, Presents:
“ADROIT ALABASTER ALBINO APE BATTLES BELLIGERENT
BUMPTIOUS BLACK BEHEMOTH BEAR!”
An Evolutionary Parable from a Legendary Lost Island! The Fight of the Century!
GRROARG! OOK! ARRUNNK! GRONK! RAWARRRGH! Brains versus Bruin may well be the theme- Claws
& Teeth go up against a Primitive Tool-User. Yet another in a series of indefatigable KrOB “Edits!”
Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if you prefer to, on our “size-challenged” screen).
But, before that…
WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
We like to start the show with a bang– and we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen a great
animated cartoon, lovingly selected by KrOB– eight minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to
film. Last week we brought you, as promised, legendary Warner Bros. cartoon director Friz Freleng’s Little
Red Riding Rabbit (1944) as we continued our animated exploration of the “Little Red Riding Hood” theme.
And this week, our KrOB Klassic goes even farther afield to tangle with the tale of Cinderella in one of the best
cartoons we’ll ever show at Ask Dr. Hal! It starts with LRRH all right, but in a matter of seconds it veers wildly
into Avery’s wild world of wolves, babes, and one bacchanalian babushka of a Fairy Godmother… Friends,
if you miss this one, we can’t say how long it might be before the chance of a repeat performance. What
we’re doing at the show, if you haven’t yet noticed, is working our way through the cartoon syllabus to show our
patrons just how great the American animated cartoon used to be, and we hate to repeat ourselves. This
really is one you should catch– another “grown-up” cartoon from MGM’s Tex Avery, who’s been called (by
Joe Adamson, among others) the “King of Cartoons .” On deck is Swing Shift Cinderella (1945)– it’s rude,
crude, politically incorrect– and devastatingly funny. We can’t imagine how you’d have any other chance to
see this film in these times, projected large and loud– the way we show ’em. And yes, this is, once again, one
of those wild cartoons of yore which have had trouble running up against the censors over the years. This whole
idea, that children need “protection” from these cartoons, or any other work of art, is so wrong-headed, and
oozes (originally) from the odious Reagan years and the unexamined assumption that “cartoons are for kids.” But don’t believe it, Jack– cartoons are for all humanity, dig? The great cartoon makers never lost sight of
this. Fear not– we guarantee, as always, that no censorship will be in evidence at the Chez Poulet Gallery-
Cabaret– we’re taking pains to give you, as almost never seen these days, the whole thing, complete and
uncut. So join us this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your
Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular
culture. Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.
” A classic! a masterpiece! –Especially Preston Blair’s luscious and sexy animation of Cinderella !”
— VodeoJMC63, Thadblog
GIANT GRIZZLED GORILLA GRUNTS & GRAPPLES WITH THE MIGHTY CAVE BEAR!
The great Cave Bear (Ursus spelaeus) was one of the most striking inhabitants of the prehistoric world. It is best
known from late Pleistocene cave deposits, although it can be traced back to Late Pliocene times (the Pliocene
Epoch ended about 1.8 million years ago and was followed by the Pleistocene).If you’ve ever had a chance to see
the skeleton in the American Museum of Natural History in New York, it may have struck you– as it did us– as
one of those sets of remains that somehow seems to express, in its every line, an exaggerated animal ferocity.
Those teeth and claws, together with the fearsome stance of the animal, strongly imply that quality of
monstrous voracity. Truly, aside from the assembled fossil bones of theropod dinosaurs like Tyrannosaurus and Allosaurus, there are few other skeletal mounts that can give you that same startling revelation. No wonder
this beast was worshipped as a divine being by Early Man all across Neolithic Europe. The Cave Bear, indeed,
was really the ruler of his world. These bears, as we have read in an account by Prof. Joseph Augusta, often died
peacefully of old age, surrounded by their loved ones– a neat trick for an animal in the wild. They ruled for
thousands upon thousands of years. Who knows– maybe Earth was made for them, not us– with humanity a
(soon-to-be-discarded) afterthought. Anyway, you could still find them on Skull Island the year after the humans
captured King Kong and steamed away with him. Far larger than the largest living bear, this ursine Goliath
can be seen in KrOB’s klip, battling with Kong’s (alleged) son. It’s a rough-and-tumble scrap between giant
adversaries you’ll be sure to enjoy. (Put your money on the big ape.) Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal.
HOLLERING HILLBILLIES !
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rustic
Po’Bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting
rent for their minimal share of his cavernous domain. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in non-Appalachian
areas as a reference in describing socially backward people that fit certain “hillbilly” characteristics. In this context, it is often (though not always) derogatory. Although the described persons may not reside in a region that
has hills of any kind, it is substituted in place of more disparaging terms like white trash. In urban usage, it is
sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able to determine just how many there
are of these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show will bring them out of
their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets or backwoods bees. When this
happens, the show may suffer a momentary interruption. We can’t tell you just to “ignore them,” as that is beyond
anyone’s powers, when the family suddenly erupts in mid-show. Just proffer a big Howdy-do! to Family Units
Moses, Spy and (of course) li’l Lucky.
FRANK CHU! HOW DO YOU DO?
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to
deliver his Message! Frank Chu (born March 24th, 1960) has been holding street protests against former U.S.
Presidents, corporations and the vast extraterrestrial cabal of The 12 Galaxies in San Francisco and nearby
locales since at least 1995. Mr. Chu lives in Oakland and commutes daily to San Francisco where he makes his
living through a combination of state aid, sign sponsorships, and small donations from his followers and
supporters. His ideology of Zegnotronics holds former president William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton responsible
for directing the CIA to withhold payment to him for his esoteric services during the presidency of George
Herbert Walker Bush. His protests frequently call for Clinton’s impeachment even to this day. Bill Clinton and
various other presidents are frequently accused by Chu, who claims allegiance with the Republican Party, of cooperating with the 12 Galaxies to commit crimes and treason. Chu is strongly interested in television
reporters and newscasters, who he cultivates to bring him the publicity he requires to inform the world of the
injustices committed against him. He hopes that once started, this wave of publicity will cause a public outcry,
resulting in the retroactive impeachments of all culpable living former U.S. Presidents and the awarding (to Mr.
Chu) of $20 billion dollars to compensate for all damages he and his family have suffered. According to Mr.
Chu, this is what certain California Correctional Officers who were really movie stars who were really KGB
agents told him, via an advanced form of mental telepathy. In fact, another of Mr. Chu’s Zegnotronic revelations
is that nearly all movie stars have the ability to use ESP. Frank, who has never visited another Galaxy, does not
lay claim to a personal extraterrestrial origin, as some have falsely claimed. A participant by proxy in an
aeons-old intergalactic conflict, however, he receives knowledge of them with his extra-sensory perception,
transmitted from various former Soviet ex-presidents and KGB agents, both alive and necromantically
resurrected. On the other side, (the cosmic Quisling) Clinton, his wife Hillary (now U.S. Secretary of State) and
even their grown daughter Chelsea are “guiltied,” according to Frank, by virtue of having been in collusion with the
12 Galaxies nearest in proximity to our own Galaxy, the Milky Way, while Frank continues against them in the
struggle, aided by the Zegnotronic Galaxy, 120 galaxies distant– but behind Frank for all time. COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro provides a running visual commentary as the show
goes on. We mention a topic, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. It usually turns out to be
a highly improper one, too, one of the Guignol pan-sexual grotesqueries endlessly offered up by the Internet. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, often seems to bring his own fan club with him, thus swelling our attendance–
just one of the reasons we love him. While all this is taking place, “Cappy,” unstymied by the effort of keeping the
show connected to the digital world, engages, as is well known, in incessant schemes to bilk an ever-more choleric
Chicken of as many free shots as his inserted questions can receive, as the ones considered superior are rewarded in
this curious fashion for their excellence and entertainment value. And– sometimes he unexpectedly shows certain…
pictures of us. These have often in the past proven to be of an embarrassing or revealing nature. It’s amazing what a
really skillful operator can extract from supposedly protected sources. Who knows? Maybe he’ll suddenly put up some
raw shot of you, one you thought private– or never even knew existed. Everybody laughs and laughs. What a sense
of humor the guy has. Heh, heh, heh. But we guess you really have to be there to appreciate this. So, share the
pain! Be there!
PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing
segment, “Waste of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in
the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about the giant green poisonous comet now rushing
toward us from the remote depths of space! Named Comet Lulin by its discoverer, 19-year-old Quanzhi Ye of China’s Sun
Yat-sen University, the intruding celestial visitor “could become visible to the naked eye any day now,” says Ye. The comet will
arrive at its closest to our unsuspecting planet this month, at an estimated distance of 0.41 AU (or Astronomical Units) on Feb.
24, 2009, the day before the last Ask Dr. Hal! Show of February. On the 6th, last Friday, the sinister, glowing green comet sizzled
past the double star Zubenelgenubi , as Pete will surely want Chicken to know, in the fulcrum of the Scales of (constellation)
Libra. Megalo-comet Lulin’s green color comes from the various gases that make up its Jupiter-sized atmosphere. Jets
spewing from the comet’s nucleus contain deadly cyanogen (CN: a highly poisonous gas) and diatomic carbon (C2). Both
substances glow green when illuminated by sunlight in the near-vacuum of space. Despite the comet’s enormous size, toxic
character and unknown provenance, NASA scientists, in a recent announcement dated February 4th, 2009, have reassured the
population of Earth that there is nothing to worry about, everything is under control, and there is no cause for alarm… Yes,
something’s always happening in Space these days– and sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging
rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken or an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to
be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about it.
CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s
4 guys doing improv on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”
NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, it’s OK to
drink, but BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded
in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro do it– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask
Wedding Bells were (metaphorically) ting-a-ling-ing at the ol’ show last Wednesday nite, as in previous
lifetimes & cycles of ADH, when long-term long-time attendees dynamic Don Bruce & tempestuous Tracy
Feldstein, Patrons of the Arts and Original Constructors of the giant mechanical nose-picker seen before
at a certain Desert Festival, yclept The Disgusting Spectacle– which a little pterodactyl on my shoulder
recently croaked to me is now going up again over at the all-new NIMBY warehouse in Oaktown– seen it
yet? @ 8410 Amelia Street, East Oakland —renewed their vows, (re-)married right there at the show by
Rev. Dr. Howland Owll, in an abbreviated SubGenius/Universal Life Church ceremony… There was much
hilarity (& free beer– betcha wish you were there, if’n you weren’t) as the (slap-) Happy Couple made it a
hillbilly-flavored ceremony. Yes, credit sizzling Spy Emerson of the peripatetic Po’bucket Family, who
helped broker the happy event, ably aided by a querulous quorum of back-country mountaineers. And in
case you were wondering, sure enough “Dancing Outlaw” “McCoy” Moses showed us a few shambling
steps… You shoulda seen the towering all-donut cake… Charming Cherry Zombrowski, who’s doing a
1-woman show of her own at The Marsh this March (plug-ola!) paid us a visit… Her show takes off on the 4th,
sadly for us, since we can’t just march on down to the Marsh this March owing to a prior commitment at
Chicken’s– ’tis a Wed. nite) & is called, “Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and Other
Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl.” Wow! Since cute “Chicken Dawn” Stott wasn’t on hand,
Good Sport captivating Cherry squeezed into the Chicken Suit to assist pedantic Pete Goldie with his
Science Segment… There seems to be some growing tradition that there’s always a good-looking babe
inside that suit… funny how these things develop… Evolution in action, we suppose… Torrid Ty McKenzie also
made the scene, tho’ we didn’t get to chat… Curvaceous Candy drew appreciative stares… Ravishing Rosanna
Scimeca with swain Zolaismic Zoli also left before we could hob-nob, but managed to lob us a good question,
trying to find out our favorite sex position (an area where we follow the maxim,“Show, not tell”) & otherwise
adding to a good audience… Pale Scholar of the Unhallow’d Arts Demonick D.S. Black came in from the cold, as
did malapert Mable Syrup and The Dark Room Theatre‘s doyen, racy Rhiannon (rhymes with cannon)
Charisse… Persistent Paul da Plumber is starting to become a “regular…” That sobriquet fits personable Paul
Pot like an old shoe… Redoubtable Reverend Chip, too… Not to neglect the rest of the bevy of beauties who,
strangely enough, find our show the place to go– f’rexample, ever-chic ambrosial Artemis, Kinky Salon’s
pneumatic Polly Superstar, & heavenly Helen Hickman… Fearless Frank Chu was there @ the lair… The whole
megilla was once again lensed by puissant Puzzling Evidence, and choice chunks will doubtless be wending
their way to You Tube via his tireless efforts presently, to find pixel-ated immortality… Bringing us to…
AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you can!
Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! —on You Tube! It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s
time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there in person! How?
How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click, on these handy URLs.
Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):
The second part of January 28th‘s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):
The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th‘s performance sensation (Pt. 3):
View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):
The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel (Pt. 2):
Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):
The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):
Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):
The second half of PUZZ-EV‘s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):
Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):
Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th
Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:
Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:
Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:
Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
Just go to:
See selected clips from November 19th‘s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words.
The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For those who would like to indulge themselves in one
final wallow, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate
Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint.
See you Wednesday night!