THE DR. HAL REPORT
Vol. VIII No. 1 OF 9

And what’s a life? –a weary pilgrimage,
Whose glory in one day doth fill the stage
With childhood, manhood and decrepit age.
FRANCIS QUARLES
[1592-1644]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (Feb. 28th) – Chicken John Productions officially announced
today that the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) night club show Ask Dr. Hal! is to return for a 9-week period,
during the Spring months of March and April. Those familiar with the show’s format, the end result of evolutionary
development over the years since its inception back in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, need not fear that
novelties for their own sake have been introduced, and may rest assured, the Management asserted, that every
effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public
attendance.

FRANK CHU TO OFFER BENEDICTION
Before every show, by special arrangement, perennial protester/holy man Frank Chu, after whose opaque rantings
12 Galaxies itself is named, will ascend the stage and deliver a rapid-fire, impassioned, incomprehensible bromide.

CHICKEN’S MONOLOGUE UNAFFECTED BY WRITERS’ STRIKE
Like other talk-show hosts during this tumultuous period, former S.F. Mayoral candidate Chicken John has
developed his powers of unscripted improvisation. He puts the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on
his travels, life, love and politics.

PETE GOLDIE KEEPS WATCHING THE SKIES
Our noted astronomer, Pete, deals professionally with celestial objects (such as stars, planets, comets, and
galaxies) and phenomena that originate outside the Earth’s atmosphere (such as auroras and cosmic
background radiation). What do these mean for all the rest of us here at the bottom of the Gravity Well? Pete
can tell you. A student of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology, and motion of these celestial
objects, as well as the formation and development of the universe itself, Pete gives our poor old Show a touch
of much-needed class. As he might let on, the word “astronomy” literally means “Law of the Stars” and is
derived from the Greek astronomia, from the words astron, (“stars”) and nomos, (“law”). Did you know top
N.A.S.A. scientists often attend our show (and/or listen to the broadcast on Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9FM)?
That’s right! Our show begins with an illustrated recap of the actual latest findings of planetary Astronomy.
And Pete can tell you everything about the tiles on the Space Shuttle– and the ones on your bathroom floor!

Dr. HAL SWINGS INTO ACTION!
Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Bardic Eruptions a standard feature.

KrOB ON THE JOB– GIANT REPTILES ATTACK!
KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the
inclusion of this proven popular attraction. Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again
add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our
show, on the Giant Screen, in thrilling color and full-fidelity KrOB Sound? to comprise a memorable multi-media
experience. This week– MONSTER SNAKE ATTACKS COFFEE SHOP!
Just when you thought it was safe to head down to the trendy coffee café, your home away from home, with your
goatee and “hip” aloofness and detachment, before you can even start tapping away on your laptop, suddenly… a
thousand-foot-long serpent shoves its way in.
And, pilgrim, there’s just not that much room for a snake a fifth of a mile long, with about a ninety-foot circumference,
to fit in there. Panic ensues, to say nothing of all the broken dishes and spilled half-decaf lattes… Once again KrOB
documents the Inhuman Condition. A perfect beginning to this run of our show.
But, I hear you saying, thousand-foot snakes? Where do they fit in? Well, as I said, they don’t fit into a coffee shop.
But where they stand, or rather slither, in the Great Order of Creation is another matter. These huge serpents, also
called Orms In Old Norse and modern Swedish and Nynorsk, that is, “snakes, worms or dragons,” a word found also in
Anglo-Saxon (“Old English”) along with wyrm, i.e. “serpent, dragon,” represent just that– a type of wingless
dragon. Not all dragons, and even not all Western Dragons, have wings, or even legs. (The Wyvern, a bipedal,
(usually) smallish fire-breather, has only two legs. But Orms have none. They do, however, have length and girth, not
to mention great muscular strength. Yes, the coffee-shop hipsters haven’t got a chance. You’ll see. And, really, at
what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM
(Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

DAVID CAPURRO ADDS VISUAL EXCITEMENT
Think Dr. Hal talks through his hat? You won’t think so after you watch what Yo-yo Pro Dave “Computer Jockey”
Capurro puts up on the screen. Even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard–
and, presto! A confirming (or at least congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy.) And the crowd goes wild.
ALL BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!
FERNET GIVEAWAYS!
CELEBRATED SCIENCE SYMPOSIUM:
Avant -garde ASTRONOMY
Dazzling DEMONOLOGY
Erudite ETYMOLOGY
Encyclopaedic ENTOMOLOGY
Perplexing PALEONTOLOGY
Pedantic POETIC RECITATION
Menacing MONSTER ATTACK FOOTAGE

ALL Broadcast WEDNESDAY NIGHTS 10 PM – MIDNIGHT
on Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9FM
SOCIAL NOTES
Out and about– As we ready the Ask Dr. Hal! show, we’ve had the good luck to find ourselves at some
great performances in the area. One of the best of these was the recent Eric McFadden/Loop Station
concert at Amnesia on the night of Sunday, Feb. 24th. This was one of the tightest and best concerts
we’ve seen in a while, and the place was packed. Man-abt. town Moss made sure to be there, and we
also ran into KrOB, with companion the enchanting Erica, whose soon to leave town on family
business… Fetching Fan Ameke and animated Anthony Phoer huddled together in deep conversation,
but at least they both bought drinks… Serious(?)-minded Sean Kelly, that protean playwright and
performer, was in the house… Journalist Hiya Swanhhuyser decorated the bar– taking notes?
Curvaceous Cameron Henry was conspicuously in the crowd, which also included memorable &
magnetic Momo Cheezy a.k.a. Therese, and languid, lovely Lilly. Despite a flu-related indisposition,
when Loop Station got going, Sam Bass gave stringed support with his usual panache to ravishing
Robin Coomer. Her voice is as haunting as her outstanding physical appeal, & not for the first time we
marvelled at what a great act L.S. is– we hope all of us groundlings appreciate it enough while they’re still
around down at our level, before their inevitable climb to the stratospheric heights where they’ll one day
find themselves… They’re more than a “band,” whatever they are… Then it was time for Eric McFadden
& his men to get on stage. His group’s latest release, “Let’s Die Forever…Together”, has been released in
Europe and is now available through Bad Reputation Records. The new record features such talented players
as Sam Bass, Paula O’Rourke, Freddi Price, Seth Ford-Young, Isabel Douglas, Doug Port, James Whiton,
Marika Hughes, Robin Coomer, Pat macDonald, Marisa Martinez and Ed Ivey. At Amnesia it was Maximilian’s
birthday, and that Discordian Master of the Accordion let the world know it with a blast of virtuosity. Despite the
bug that bugged him, Sam Bass added his special magic to the ensemble as he traded musical figures with
guitar master Eric with lightning rapidity– wotta pleasure to hear. McFadden’s the Real Thing, not a poseur but a
real, blazing talent– and he works with the talented. This became plain when pleasing Paula O’Rourke joined
him for a run-thru of some of her own songs– Brava, we say, Brava… And then Robin Coomer added her
unforgettable voice to the mix. They sang, they soared… Did they ever make music…

WELL, YOU MAY HAVE MISSED THAT SHOW (SHAME ON YOU!) –BUT YOU CAN COME TO
ASK DR. HAL! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE!

————– YOU are invited: ————-
Join Dr. Hal & the Gang as We Celebrate
the Return of an S.F. Tradition!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez
produced several years ago, dealing with Hippies, Alien Abduction, Corporate Malfeasance,
Prophecy and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and
inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted
didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an “alternative universe”
tale, like one where the South won the Civil War, or Hubert Humphrey was elected President.

Buy a Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F. By telephone
at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at volds@studioreflex.com Via “Snail Mail” — write
requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form –to: Limited Edition Order Form, Studio
Reflex, Inc. Attn. Vicki Olds, 534 6th Avenue, City, 94118