MONDAY, APRIL 14th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
DRAGON vs. CYCLOPS —
BATTLE of IMPROBABLE MONSTERS!
—WHO WILL WIN?
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests! Catch us
EVERY MONDAY at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 7 of 9

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
–TRADITIONAL

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 14th) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show continues into April with a KrOB “edit” well in line with the previous entries in the series, yet also something never tried until now. That reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, KrOB now crosses farther over into a hitherto unprospected demesne, the Realm of Legend, with the story of the last moments in the lives of a satyr-like Cyclops and his adversary, a hundred-foot-long flightless, fire-breathing Dragon. True, he showed (and may again) the depredations of dragonish creatures invading our modern world (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. VIII, No.1) but this time we indulge in more than such playful surrealism. Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, lovingly retrieved featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. But starting off…

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with ORACULAR ORATION!
Before every show, by special arrangement, gadabout gadfly/holy man Frank Chu, a man on a mission, protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide which hurts the mind to try to follow. This strangely laid-back tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Oh Lord, let’s hope not. This prelude stands in relation to our show as an Invocation to the Olympic Gods did in the days of Ancient Hellas. And we’re hella glad to showcase Frank as part of our programme, heh, heh. Then…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE NAMES the NAMES and RAKES the MUCK!
The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, starts us rolling as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S STERLING ASTRO-SCIENCE SIDELIGHTS!
Pete Goldie will get right up on stage and start showing (with the collaboration of dashing Dave Capurro (see below)) a slide show, accompanied by his crowd-pleasing lecture, of incredible, newly discovered anomalies and curiosities of the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A welcome appetizer to the main course, to satisfy even jaded palates. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. They kind of do what they want to do…

DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD!
From two-bit, pee wee, tank town, rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (that’s us), our own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and a stage or two (or three, or thirty). Yes, “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, What the–?! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.)

“DR.” HAL: DISSEMBLING, DOUBLE-DEALING DUFFER with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or DEMON-HAUNTED DYNAMO of DECANTATION?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. ‘Nuff said.

WAR of the GIANTS— CYCLOPS vs. DRAGON in BATTLE ROYAL!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, inordinately large alien hunting spiders, along with other critters too outré to classify, made (not too-) mercifully short work of ordinary, tax-paying American consumers in a fog-shrouded convenience store parking lot. It was really something to see these Joe Lunchpail types fall to the chelicerae of aggressive, hungry and relentless 600-pound scuttling mega-spiders. Not to mention 4-story mantises and other unexpected predators, escapees from an exo-plenum. But now we’re going to see something he’s long wished to present. We will see the dragon Magog, thrall of Sokurah the Necromancer on the cryptic Island of Colossa, break free from his chains and savagely battle a huge, grotesque Cyclops. This time the monsters don’t attack humans. They’re too busy attacking each other! Space is limited here– let’s just say that this spectacular, green fire-breathing dragon, who guards his evil lord’s cavern against the incursion of satyr-like one-eyed giants, simply loses it when one of the latter actually has the temerity to stride right into the cave. The fight that follows beggars description.
The Cyclopes, or single-eyes, were originally the offspring of Elder Gods Gaia and Uranus and served (under Hephaestus) as the inventive blacksmiths of the Olympian gods. They were skilled metal workers and created Zeus’s thunderbolts, Poseidon’s trident, and Hades’s Helmet of Darkness that was later used by Perseus while on his quest to decapitate the Gorgon, Medusa. When the universe came into being, there were many monsters and vague forms that were gradually replaced with beings with forms more human. The second generation of Cyclops was comparatively degenerate, however, anthropophagous island-dwellers who were the offspring of Poseidon and the sea nymph Thoosa, ignorant shepherds who had lost the secrets of metallurgy. In the third generation, they had even lost the power of speech, though they preserved and used furniture and accouterments from their superior progenitors. These latter giants had reverted to a satyr-like configuration, the cloven hoofs and shaggy limbs supporting a quasi-reptilian, humanoid torso. Their huge heads bore one or two horns.
As for the Dragon Magog, a somewhat sympathetic figure, whose crystal egg was found and retrieved by the wizard Sokurah from ancient China, two hundred years previous to when we see him, and who was kept ever afterward as the Magician’s slave, his underground captivity eerily prefigures the imprisonment of Satan in the Book of Revelation. He’s called a dragon too. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
It wouldn’t be a show without jolly Josh the Orangebox Man, who it seems is always somewhere about when we do our stuff. Sadly, This Space must now announce that fairly soon he’ll be leaving us… for good. It’s all good for Josh, at any rate, who will be permanently moving to NYC (on April 22nd) just in time to miss the very last ADH show on the 29th (& wotta show that’s gonna be! Mark your freakin’ calendars!) But (as usual) we digress. It’ll be good for the Boxman because… [drumroll] in the Big Apple on May 4th he will wed his sweetheart, Colombian cutie Sara Santos. But the lovebirds won’t be building their nest in rocketing real estate-challenged S.F. any time soon, we hear, but– who knows? P’rhaps the happy couple’ll favor us sometime with a visit… Dynamic Don Bruce, a Patron of the Arts, took in our Show w/out main squeeze torrid Tracy Feldstein. We forgive you this once, Tracy—just don’t let it happen again, savvy? Daring Don, by the way, is (distantly) related to Dr. Hal, dontcha know. We both share a family tree which counts as an ancestor the redoubtable Robert Bruce of bonnie Scotland, victor in the epic Battle of Bannockburn. Another progenitor of ours, just between you, us & the gatepost, is that Thane of Fife known as MacDuff. Ye know him then, laddie? –the one who killed the malign MacBeth—the only swordsman who could slay that evil king who could only be done in, remember, by one “of no woman born,” since ol’ MacD was, as they say, “from his mother’s womb untimely ripp’d.” But enuff of yesterday’s newspaper…Journeyman Janor Hypercleets, a.k.a. Mister TV, paid us a visit. He’d like to be a Supporting Act for us during this run. How about it, Chicken? Well, KrOB wuz on the job w/ his gory Giant Spider edit & his incomparable musical meanderings, while Sound God Gabe kept the wow & flutter to a minimum… Jaunty Jeff Grove, the un-crabby cabby, showed up, and brawny Brian Doherty wuz also in the house. That selfsame scrivener, author of This is Burning Man (plug-ola) is now churning out another tome. Scribble, scribble scribble, eh, Brian? There wuz no mistaking kurvaceous Krista Avril Bray, tempting Ty McKenzie & a bevy of other beauties, incl. joyous Janay Growden (who couldn’t keep her hands off handsome Harrison, the lucky dawg), & The Dark Room’s own radiant Rhiannon Charisse. Regal Rhiannon’s mom Cheryl, a.k.a. mesmerizing Mable Syrup wuz also on hand to lend us moral support. Hardy Hallie McConlogue showed up, the guy who’s forthcoming wedding (to the captivating Corey) will be p’formed—Flash! –on May 4th at this year’s Maker Faire out at the San Mateo County Fairgrounds. The plan is that these nuptials will be solemnized on the Neverwas Haul, coolest vehicle at Burning Man & elsewhere (since the burning of the lost La Contesssa, that is). The brainchild of krazy Kimric Smythe and ever-stalwart Shannon O’Hare, the Neverwas, a steam-era Victorian house on wheels (yes, Pilgrim, you read it rite) oughta make a great place to tie th’ knot. Who’ll be officiating? Your own Dr. Hal, that’s who… Peripatetic Paul Pot w/ careening canine companion Jabba made the scene, & we noted that galivanting gadabout power couple, Sherrilyn Connelly w/ squeeze Terri… Flash! If you like puppets, miniatures & Godzilla movies (& who doesn’t?) you owe it to yourself to take in a great interactive show now running (opened April 3rd) @ Cellspace, the work of resplendently radiant Robin Frohardt of Runaway Truck Tramps fame. It’s…Cardboard Town! An amazing miniature construction of an elaborately detailed, all-cardboard city! Here’s the scoop: Friday, April 18, 8pm-til’ late: “End of the Ages,” a Warning for our Time. Closing Apocalypse and Rebirth Party, DJs, Superheroes vs. The Monsters—it’ll all be there. Unleash your inner Godzilla. Movie making, puppet theatre & unspecified surprises. It’s all Free! Tho’ why it shd. be free is still a mystery (to our befuddled noggin), since it’s a fun(d) raiser for Cell Space. We useta perform there, in the longago, doing many of Chicken’s Game Shows. But they kicked us out, folks. Something about how Chicken’s shows unleashed too much raucous “negative energy.” And they replaced us with… Yoga. Go figger… But, no hard feelin’s—if you went, back then, to see us there, now go there again for music, drinks, and (on the last nite) the costume dance party! From the folks who brought you the Apocalypse Puppet Theatre—and that too will be there for a Performance. Visit www.cardboardinstitute.com for more images and information. Go check it out @ Cell Space, 2050 Bryant Street rite here in good ol’ San Francisco, CA (more plug-ola). All in all, everyone wuz satisfied after last Mon.’s show. Everyone, that is, but righteous Robert Levy, our Host at 12 G. If you pikers’d only buy more liquor, he’d be way happy. And when he’s happy, we’re one happy chappy…

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY THREE SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!