APRIL 7th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
CONVENIENCE MART CARNAGE
of the STUPENDOUS SPIDERS!
—RUN GALLOPS ON AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 6 of 9
The Retort Courteous; ….the Quip Modest; …the Reply Churlish… the Reproof Valiant; …the Countercheck Quarrelsome; …the Lie Circumstantial; …the Lie Direct.
As You Like It, Scene IV, Line 75
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 7th) – The first Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the new month of April, broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you will), oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian), burbles up through the repressed psychic substratum of contemporary consciousness in one unstoppable volcanic blast as, in its next iteration, a mind-breaking KrOB “edit” details a deadly confrontation between outsized arachnids from an alien plenum and hysterical, fleeing humans, their prey, in a convenience store parking lot. Horrible, giant exo-spiders reap their humanoid harvest supper. Could it happen here? Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adroitly presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. And that ain’t easy…
FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with ADDRESS to the POPULACE
Before every show, by special arrangement, gadabout gadfly/holy man Frank Chu, a man on a mission, protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) warn, comfort and command, in Wordsworth’s famous phrase. You can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This strangely laid-back tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. Come see hear, and decide for yourself…
CHICKEN JOHN’S traditional MONOLOGUE, a PHILOSOPHICAL INTERLUDE ANTICIPATED by ALL
Having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious Tibet, the charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love,
politics and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…
PETE GOLDIE’S unstoppable SCIENCE SUMMARY!
Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin “Dad” Pete Goldie will start the show with a lecture and slide show highlighting future real estate opportunities tucked away in the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A crowd-pleasing appetizer to the main course. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. (We do give our Word, however, that if the latter, that rough-edged roustabout, shows any further inclination not to get off the stage when his brief segment is concluded, his future appearances shall be, in all likelihood, severely curtailed.)
DAVID CAPURRO PSYCHICALLY FUSES with the COMPUTER KEYBOARD
From two-bit tank town rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (us, of course), our own dashing David Capurro. in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and knows full well the strain attendant upon maintaining the “Arduous Heights of Fame.” Yes, “Cappy” vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, behold!! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but you get what you pay for.)
“DR.” HAL: MENDACIOUS, MASQUERADING MOUNTEBANK with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or ELITE ENTERTAINER PUISSANTLY PROVIDING PRECOGNATIVE PRELECTION?
Not for us to say. Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds.
SOUL-SUCKING SPIDEROIDS MASTICATE MIDDLE-CLASS MALLRATS
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, an anomalous Allosaurus, a prehistoric creature, plagued fur and buckskin-clad primitives in a Paleolithic encampment until ventrally impaled by an adroitly-wielded tent-pole. This week, KrOB plans to feature an astonishing Arachnid attack never before shown at our venue,wherein inordinately large hunting spiders, along with other critters too outré to classify, make (not too-) mercifully short work of hapless schlubs who just happen to be, like every one of us at some point, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Be in at the kill to witness the unforgettable ends of ordinary, tax-paying American consumers via the chelicerae of aggressive, hungry and relentless 600-pound scuttling mega-spiders. Cool, eh? Yowza! No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ to comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.
Dots & Dashes– & Lots of Flashes! So often we’ve been ask’d, anent this whole “Dr. Hal” thing, even by apparently well-wishing individuals, “So, you’re like, a doctor? Uhhh… what kind of doctor?” Prompting the headache-inducing explanation from Yrs. Truly that showman Chicken John hung that appellation on us, back when we were both (comparatively) young & tender under the apple boughs. An autodidact of sorts, Dr. Hal’s “legitimate” Academic credentials are, to be kind, somewhat slender, viz. “a Bachelor, not a Doctor” (B.A. degree, University of Arizona, conferred 1972). Well, This Space now announces that the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon us, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon our completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. Just call us “Doc.”… Flash! Kinetic Krista Bray, one of our favorite people, is now seeking volunteers for a photo shoot @ her place of business, the Posture Studio of San Francisco, 3150 18th Street, Suite 465. This’s on April 10th from 5pm to 7pm. If’n you can’t make that date, mate, you have another chance on Friday, April 25th @ th’ same hrs. The stunning Krista, now a specialist in curing the ills caused by slouching, slumping & other solecisms, knows how to Align your Spine ‘til you Feel just Fine. Go ahead, check out her current (and ever improving) website: www.theposturestudio.com and see what this holistic healing method’s all about. Anyhoo, alluring Krista, in return for 30 minutes or so of your time (max) getting your picture taken while doing a simple stretch or exercise or interacting with her at her studio, all for her website and brochures, is now offering one FREE Initial Posture Therapy Appointment, valued at $150! You’ll get, in addition to the rewards of posing with Krista, a full posture evaluation and set of digital posture pictures, have your gait analyzed, and an online account of your very own with video instruction for a personalized program of exercises and stretches designed to restore your postural alignment, increase range of motion and reduce pain, even if she doesn’t use your pictures! She needs some of those—shots of herself working with clients– and would like to include “a range of ages,” young & old. Could you, or someone you know, be interested in a trade for this health-giving service? Tell her you read about it in the Dr. Hal Report… Pedantic Pete Goldie’s Show Segment wuz korn-cluded when friendly Fozzmo the Clown & kinky Kogar the Mystery Ape traipsed on stage for a hefty dose of their usual shenanigans. Trouble was, ol’ Fozzmo refused to leave, stre-e-etching his Moment in the Limelight past all proportion while hapless helpless Chicken fumed behind his desk, unable to bring out Dr. Hal. Only Kogar, that amiable ape, interceded at the last minute to drag the unspeakable Karnage Klown away so we could get going. He rated an xtra buncha bananas for that one… And… how about that KrOB Sign, eh, folks? Fully restored to its former, Odeon-era glory, it’s back at last, blinking & winking at our crazy crowd. Kolossal! Ya know, we haven’t (so far) experienced the attendance drop-off in the crowds at these shows—when they figger, oh well, it’ll be there next week, I’m too tired to go this week. Then they don’t come at all, until our last play date (in this run that’ll be April 28th) causing the house to get smaller & smaller, & Rocambolesque Robert Levy, 12 G’s Host with the Most, to frown over his unprofitable & diminishing bar tab. But this 9-week run (so far) that hasn’t happened. The crowd diminuendo, that is. Rococo Robert’s phiz still wears that fearsome frown—you guys aren’t drinking enuff! A pitiable thing it is, when the door beats the bar tab! C’mon, guys & gals, do the right thing & don’t embarrass us. All you have to do is get plastered… That advice wasn’t needed by roguish Ron Turner, magnate of S.F.’s Last Gasp publishing empire. Beaming bonhomie, Big Ron presided at his barstool among a swirl of sycophants… Luscious Lynn Rubenzer, whose fab painting/Art inst’llatn can now be seen on Valencia St. wuz present, along with zesty Zannah Noe… Other Beauties of the Evening included curvaceous Cameron McHenry, ever-appealing jaunty Janay Growden, exhilarating Erica, buxom Belinda X, supergroup Loop Station’s own provocative powerhouse ravishing Robin Coomer, & The Dark Room’s own righteous Rhiannon Charisse, not in attendance thistime with “supermom” meritorious Mable Syrup… Pale Student of the Unhallowed Arts demon-haunted D.S. Black put in one of his rare appearances… A Bode Convergence: Cartooning legend maniacal Mark Bode brought along daughter zetetic Zara & swain… Flash! If you like puppets, miniatures & Godzilla movies (& who doesn’t?) you owe it to yourself to take in a great interactive show now running (opened April 3rd) @ Cellspace, the work of resplendently radiant Robin Frohardt of Runaway Truck Tramps fame. It’s…Cardboard Town! An amazing miniature construction of an elaborately detailed, all-cardboard city! Here’s the scoop: Thursday – April 10, 8pm: “The Corruption!” “Witness the Decline—and Summoning of the Great Beasts of retribution.” Unleash your inner Godzilla. Movie making, puppet theatre & unspecified surprises. It’s all Free! Then, Friday, April 18, 8pm-til’ late: “End of the Ages,” a Warning for our Time. Closing Apocalypse and Rebirth Party, DJs, Superheroes vs. The Monsters—it’ll all be there. Wotta show! We don’t dig why it’s free, since this’s a fun(d)-raiser for Cell Space. We useta perform there, in the longago, doing many of Chicken’s Game Showz… Now go there again for music, drinks, and (on the last nite) the costume dance party! From the folks who brought you the Apocalypse Puppet Theatre—and that too will be there for a Performance. Visit www.cardboardinstitute.com for more images and information. Go check it out @ Cell Space, 2050 Bryant Street rite here in good ol’ San Francisco, CA. Boy, what an era of showmanship we’re going through in this burg. Know what I mean? It can’t last forever…Where were we? Oh, yes– also present (I’m told, didn’t see him—where wuzzee?) wuz pertinacious Paul Pot, gadabout Geoffrey Smart & perplexing Puzzling Evidence… Jocund Josh the Orangebox Man, taking a break from gorilla wrangling, slid in some Side Notes… Of course we hosted manful Moses, gadfly Gabe on sound and Very Special Visual Effects detail, & even fantabulous Fan Ameke (insert wolf-whistle here)… Peripatetic Perry Shirley rubbed shoulders w/ the likes of musician brawny Blind Lemon Phillips… All in all, a good group. If only they’d plunk down a few more simoleons for some Dutch Courage, we’d satisfy the mgmt. Were you there? Well, you’ve got a mere four more chances. Our show won’t be around forever either, sad 2 say…
ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY FOUR SHOWS LEFT!
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…
Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at
Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:
Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!