MARCH 31st, 2008!
St Stupid’s Day Eve…
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
AGGRESSIVE ATTACK of the
—RUN CONTINUES AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during MARCH & APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!
OUR PRICE: $7.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 5 OF 9
Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.
E. E. CUMMINGS [1894-1962]
Collected Poems 
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (Mar. 24th) – The last Ask Dr. Hal! Show of March will crown St Stupid’s Day Eve this year, the night before the 30th Anniversary Parade of Bishop Joey of the San Francisco-based cult, “The First Church of the Last Laugh” makes its way through the streets of S.F.’s Downtown to the inevitable bewilderment of business-suited corporate drones. The night of the 31st, the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) Ask Dr. Hal! Show pirouettes and pliés into elegant, Empyrean realms of showmanship as, in its next iteration, a breathtaking KrOB “edit” details an anachronistic (but poetically justifiable) confrontation between early humans (albeit in an admirable state of civilization) and a young Allosaurus fragilis, a theropod dinosaur adrift from its own Jurassic Period and actively seeking a humanoid harvest supper. All in classic, breathtaking stop-motion animation. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adroitly presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. We learn as we go.
Then, on April 1st (St Stupid’s Day), Dr. Hal & all faithful fellow-travelers will meet at Noon, near the Vaillancourt Fountain at the foot of Market St. to assemble for the historic Parade. Follow the stream of costumed weirdoes to the assembly point, and participate in a San Francisco tradition almost a third of a century old. ‘Nuff said.
FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with CHALLENGE to the FUTURE
Before every show, by special arrangement, perennial pest/holy man Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) shout his barbaric yawp, in the famous phrase. You can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This diatribe mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. Come see (and hear) for yourself…
CHICKEN JOHN’S traditional MONOLOGUE welcomes ATTENDEES
The former San Francisco Mayoral candidate, having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious Tibet, shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love,
politics and the relative merits of Diesel fuel. And then…
PETE GOLDIE’S ineffable SCIENCE REPORT!
Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin Pete Goldie will start the show by taking us out– way out, man. A quondam NASA consultant, Dr. Goldie is also a raconteur, artificer and craftsman, and a delver into mysteries of natural philosophy. You’ll be spellbound as Pete will set before your baby blues (or bambino browns) uncanny landscapes of the outer solar system. Oh, you might, if lucky, happen upon some blurred, monochrome image in the newspaper or a goofy, pre-packaged sixty-second “Feature” on Conspiracy TV, while channel-surfing, of the latest release from N.A.S.A. of some tantalizing tidbit of Science Discovery. Guess what? In all likelihood, these images have already been seen, thanks to Pete, in sumptuous and exquisite detail, by the enlightened audiences of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show months earlier! The well-known bon vivant actually arranged for our name, and Chicken’s, to be shot into space aboard the Dawn Explorer on its mission to the Asteroid Belt! We think that says it all. As scientific and educational as all-get-out. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that famed slap-happy gagster, but we make no promises here.
DAVID CAPURRO is ONE with the COMPUTER KEYBOARD
From rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (us, of course), our own dashing David Capurro. in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and has seen more stages than Jesse James! Yes, “Cappy” livens our Show with a kind of visual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Shazam! A confirming (or at least congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but he works for peanuts.)
“DR.” HAL: SHODDY CHARLATAN with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or ENLIGHTENING ENTERTAINER effortlessly ENGAGING with ESOTERIC WISDOM?
Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic
Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds.
ANOMALOUS ALLOSAUR IMPALED by TORRID TROGLODYTE in CRUSTY CAVEMAN CONTRETEMPS!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, an enormous Walrus, a prehistoric creature, surged up, crashing through the sea ice from beneath– and charged across the ice pack, slashing from side to side with its immense tusks, exhibiting boldness and bellicosity. This week, KrOB plans to feature an amazing Allosaurus attack… “A 30-foot-long, two-legged cross between a crocodile and a mountatin lion. Add a huge skull and the predatory behavior of a shark. That’s Allosaurus.” This was how a 1993 issue of National Geographic appropriately described this remarkable animal. Allosaurus was the most common & successful predator of the late Jurassic. These theropods are often referred to as “the wolves of the Jurassic” because they so were so widespread. Indeed, A. fragilis is the only theropod species positively identified on more than one continent. Thousands of fossilized bones (in a few cases, nearly complete skeletons) found throughout North America have made Allosaurus one of the most well understood of all predatory dinosaurs. We see, in our Featurette, a young specimen which has not attained its full growth, though big enough to pick up and kill two cavemen. And, as luck (leavened with primordial boldness) would have it, the humans manage to destroy the impetuous Allosaurus in return. Be in at the kill to witness the unforgettable death-tantrum of the dying dinosaur, so tenacious in its hold on life, even unto the moment of its death. Hear it scream and squall in frustration and fury. This is reckoned one of the great stop-motion sequences of all time, folks. By Ray Harryhausen. Cool, eh? Whew!
No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ to comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.
ASK DR. HAL! SALUTES 30th ANNUAL St STUPID’S DAY PARADE
Grown men and women. Really. The First Church of the Last Laugh is the only world religion that everyone on the planet is already a member of. The 30th annual St Stupid’s Day Parade is yet another tired old tradition in the city that knows how, but not why… People show up in weird costumes, bring obscure signs, tote strange musical instruments, carry bags of pennies, old lottery tickets and socks to dispense at the proper Stations of Stupid and follow a fat, bald white guy with a big drum through the Financial District on the sidewalk to honor St Stupid, patron saint of civilizations and parking meters. This year promises to be essentially just the same as last year– and a vision of what it’ll be like next year. As traditions go, this one’s in a rut –and shows no sign of stopping.
Remember, there’s no march to Washington Square Park this year. Meet at the foot of Market St.
Sponsored by the First Church of the Last Laugh, the world’s oldest religion and largest church, of which you’re already a member –so you may as well show up to see why. Come one, come all, and find out if this year there’s a free lunch.
Still not confused? Go to:
And so, once again Ask Dr. Hal! took place at 12 Galaxies and was well attended. Too well attended, according to Chicken, who took umbrage at the boorish behavior of some tables of newbies, who yakked without modulation thru the whole show, Bardic recitations and all. Unlax, Doc, as Bugs Bunny used to say. We got their cash, didn’t we? Remember the old SubGenius saw: “They may be Pink, but their money is green.” Just as long as they’re happy, we maintain. We’re trying to produce entertainment over here, after all… Ackshually, this iteration of ADH wuz a milestone in quite a few respects. Pertinacious Pete Goldie got to stage his Tribute to the late Sir Arthur C. Clarke, with an Able Assist from Yrs. Truly (channeling HAL 9000), friendly Fozzmo the Clown & even a repeat appearance –Konggratulations!– by kinky Kogar the Mystery Ape. And… how about that KrOB Sign, eh, folks? It was back & ablaze in a full restoration of its former glory. Thanx R due to ADH supporter laudable Louise Jarmilowicz, from whom we scored the original Art Deco red & silver letterz, saintly Sebastian Melmoth, who re-did the neon –twice! after klumsy KrOB busted same, and cheerful Chicken, who sawed & fitted the plexi & hauled the thing down to 12G just in time to set it up. Oh, yes, it’s back—it’s back at last, blinking & winking at our crazy crowd. Yeah!
They went for our wild Walrus clip, too, & also endorsed our peek at Life Aboard the Int’l Space Station. Dynamic Dave Capurro also shone, not only finagling Fernet outta choleric Chicken w/ his very first question, but also coming up on his own with a video addition of one of the sickest clips that ever came toddling down the pike. Well, his fans, or some of those, were there—We saw ‘em –& I guess they weren’t disappointed… Also present were studly Shboopie & jubilant Janay Growden. Here’s a tip: those of us who won’t be on the Chicken John Bus Trip this wk. end might want to amble down to 12 G for the Mark Growden Benefit on Saturday, March 29th, starting up around 9:00 in the PM. Masterful Mark, who’s Jewel-like Janay’s brother, had a bad bicycle accident & will need much medical care to repair his stressed-out skeleton. Kontakt kurvy Katy Bell if you wanna be in on it. It’s a good cause, ADH fans… Also present were pertinacious Paul Pot—he must really like our show –tempestuous Ty McKenzie who’s pursuing a comet-like career in Theatre Arts, paramount Puzzling Evidence, & luscious Lynn Rubenzer, one of the brightest artists now lighting the local scene… Rocambolesque Robert Levy, our Host, polished the mahogany. I’m sure he wanted to sell more booze, but cheapskates abounded that nite & the door beat the bar in revenoo… dizguzzting… buy more Dutch Courage, you pikers! Don’t make our Show look bad! Jocund Josh the Orangebox Man lent a hand w/ skits ‘n Side Notes. Say, I didn’t get to tell him that, due to his Special Connections in the Food Service Industry, he provided Yrs. Truly & KrOB with free movie tix! It’s not what ya know, but who, we guess, after all. We saw 10,000 BC @ AMC 1000 up on Van. No dinosaurs —booo! —but the Smilodon, Mammoth herds & Phorusrachid birds were OK. Maybe we see a future KrOB edit somewhar in thar, heh, heh…Captivating Cindy Foulkes, who stayed all the way to the post-show afterparty, reminisced abt. the days, now long gone, when KrOB ran his own nite spot, the famed Café This… Then there was man-about-town Moss, an ADH fan from way back, seductive Spy Emerson with boy toy manly Moses, gadfly Gabe on sound and Very Special Visual Effects detail, & even prodigal Phoenix, taking a breather from home life as a Proud Papa… Slinky Spy, by the bye, is the Top Producer of Dystopic Horizons Realty. Since rent control in S.F. may be about to fly away like the Passenger pigeon—you are paying attention to current events, aren’t you? Going to vote against Prop. 98 this June? Sure you are— you may need to look up sizzling Spy one of these daze post-election, so she can put you in a nice unit of affordable artist housing crafted of sturdy fiberboard. Remember, “It’s not a cardboard house… it’s a cardboard home…” We also noted The Dark Room’s own righteous Rhiannon Charisse, in attendance with “supermom” meritorious Mable Syrup… Altogether a great bunch of guys & dolls… Were you there? Well, you’ve got a mere five more chances. Our show won’t be around forever… It only seems that way…
ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY FIVE SHOWS LEFT!
A D V E R T I S E M E N T
Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, by Monsters, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…
Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at
Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:
Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!