Behold, I am vile; what shall I answer thee?
JOB XL, 4

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (Mar. 24th) – The award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) Ask Dr. Hal! Show soars and arcs into Empyrean realms of showmanship as, in its next iteration, a breathtaking KrOB “edit” details an Arctic expedition’s encounter with a monstrous Walrus (Odobenus rosmarus gigans), a primeval, prehistoric pinniped. Watch out! The wallowing Whale of a Walrus wildly and wickedly wades into action, whacking two hapless explorers, crushing one through the ice. All in classic, breathtaking stop-motion animation. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adroitly presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. Practice makes perfect.

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with SIGNIFICANT KEYNOTE SPEECH
Before every show, by special arrangement, perennial protester/holy man Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide. This diatribe mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds. Could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. Come see (and hear) for yourself…

CHICKEN JOHN’S OPENING MONOLOGUE entertainingly ranges over WIDE VARIETY of CONTEMPORARY TOPICS
The former San Francisco Mayoral candidate, having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious Tibet, shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love,
politics and the relative merits of Diesel fuel.

PETE GOLDIE’S stunning SCIENCE REPORT!
Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin Pete Goldie will bring us tidings, as always, of newly discovered aspects of the cosmos. Dr. Goldie, who is a quondam NASA consultant, has been called a delver into mysteries of natural philosophy. A fully qualified astro-science specialist, Pete gives us astonishing pictures from worlds never before viewed by human eyes– transmitted by intricate robots who are now busily exploring our Outer Solar System. You’ll be spellbound as, with the assistance of these far-flung metal myrmidons, Pete will whisk you away, to, say, the transits of Mercury or Venus, or guide you among gas giant super-planet Saturn’s planet-sized weird and monstrous moons, where mountains may be made of ice, volcanoes spew ammonia, and methane rains from the sky. Some say Man was never meant to see such things. Not Pete, however—and now you can… The well-known bon vivant actually arranged for my name, and Chicken’s, to be shot into space aboard the Dawn Explorer on its mission to the Asteroid Belt! I think that says it all. As scientific and educational as all-get-out. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown!

DAVID CAPURRO is ONE with the COMPUTER KEYBOARD
In his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, our own dashing David Capurro has performed in multiple venues, from rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (us, natch). One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and has seen more stages than malignant mesothelioma! (Just kidding, Dave.) “Cappy” livens our Show with a kind of visual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Abra-cadabra! A confirming (or at least congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy.) But, wonders Dr. Hal, why couldn’t he, or wouldn’t he, pull up an image of a dinosauroid for me when I asked last week?

“DR.” HAL: UNQUALIFIED QUACK with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or ENLIGHTENING ENTERTAINER eagerly earning every ENCOMIUM?
Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic
Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds.

WARNING: WAYWARD WALRUS, WONDER of WHITE WILDERNESS, WIELDS WEIGHTY WALLOP!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, an anomalous Ammonite devastated daring divers amid the sunken ruins of an unknown lost city. This week KrOB’ll feature an edifying encounter with an enormous Walrus, a prehistoric creature called Walrus giganticus (by Melanthius of Kasgar, who developed a binomial system of taxonomic classification centuries before that of Linnaeus). The pugnacious pinniped we will see surges up, crashing through the sea ice from beneath– and charges, flopping across the ice pack, slashing from side to side with its immense tusks, exhibiting boldness and bellicosity.
Walruses are carnivorous mammals. They are the sole surviving members of family Odobenidae, order Carnivora, one of three lineages in the suborder Pinnepedia along with the Phocidae, or true seals, and the Otariidae, eared seals. While there has been some debate as to whether all three of these lineages are essentially monophyletic, i.e. descended from a single ancestor, or diphyletic, the most recent genetic evidence suggests that all three descended from, of all things, a Caniform ancestor most closely related to modern bears. Bet you didn’t see that coming. Please don’t feed the walruses!
There remains uncertainty as to whether the odobenid family diverged from otariids before or after the phocids, though the most recent synthesis of the molecular data suggests that the latter were the first to diverge. While isolated males can weigh as much as 2,000 kg (4400 lbs), most weigh between 800 and 1,800 kg (1760 and 4000 lbs). This tusked terror, however, has an estimated weight of 5 times as much, or 10,000 kg (22,000 lbs) or eleven tons! It is probably of interest to our audience (judging from some of the questions we get) that a walrus male possesses a monstrous baculum, or penis bone, up to 63 cm (24 in) in length, the largest of any mammal both absolutely and relative to body size. Cool, eh? Whew!
No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction (Easy, horndogs– I’m talking about the KrOB “edit” here), would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ to comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

ABOARD the INTERNATIONAL SPACE STATION!
As if his wondrous Walrus featurette weren’t enough, KrOB also brings us uncanny views of life in Space, aboard the expanded International Space Station. See astronauts engaged in exercising, shaving, sleeping, moving heavy objects effortlessly in microgravity, and goofing. On the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ for your delectation.

HELP US as WE CELEBRATE CHICKEN JOHN’S 40TH BIRTHDAY!
Enjoy an opportunity to convey birthday wishes and greetings to Ask Dr. Hal! show founder and Grand Ringmonster Chicken John Rinaldi. On Thursday, March 20th, our Jean Poulet attained the age of 40, which according to some is “the new 30.” (Too bad 20 has now become the new 10.)

SOCIAL NOTES
After last week’s alcohol-fueled meltdown, some of us at Ask Dr. Hal were wondering if at our next show we’d get anybody. Fortunately for us, the hard-core fans still turned out, though they arrived predictably later than our announced start-time of 9:00 PM. You know, we would start then– if there were anyone in the audience. Too often we have heard the anguished refrain, “I just can’t stay up late on a ‘school night!’” Oh, we try—how we try, but to be quite frank, we really need an audience to get going. Backstage, Chicken half-heartedly suggested we start anyway—for 12 people—but his Showman’s Instinct kicked in and we decided to wait… And sure enough, in they came… Will Radik, Dan the Phrenology fan, ardent Arlen, still obsessed with the late Marilyn Monroe—but who isn’t? Jodie, Bethany Poitrine, Alba Tetons, & The Dark Room Theater’s own Rhiannon Charisse—still time to catch that venue’s production of The Ten Commandments this weekend, folks—and I think her Mater, Mable Syrup, tho’ sometimes it’s hard to see who’s out there beyond those hot, brite stage lites, Jessica & slinky Samantha– all were determined to get Ask Dr. Hal! back on track– & they more or less succeeded, too… Then there wuz “junior” Jim Khennedy, there on his birthday with questions abt. Leprechauns and that terrible Amazonian drug, Tee Hee Hee… Mike wuz obliging enuf to ask a dinosaur (demise)-related query, and Sherilyn Connelly was concerned about when the Revolution will be televised—but I don’t think she owns a set! I mean a TV set… Jay wanted to know more on the Leprechaun question, specifically about the wee ones’ digestive processes (ugh!) and Josh the Orangebox Man asked a question that suggested even more unwelcome intimacy… Saul R with religio-culinary concerns, Mark inquiring over the Leprechauns’ miniature gonads (it wuz St. Patrick’s Day, after all) & enchanting Erica, one of KrOB’s most faithful fans—we hear she’s going away for a while, so hurry back! –gave the ADH crowd variety & vivacity… Befo’ the Show, we noted David Capurro’s fan club, once again among early attendees. His entourage, posse, whatever you want to call ‘em, are always hoping he’ll relent and whip out… his yo-yo. (Sorry.) Always keep ‘em wanting more, eh Dave? Flash! Watch for the Return of the KrOB Sign! Well, We’ll believe it when (& if) we see it, & maybe not even then… keep watching this space… Puzzling Evidence, Man of Mystery (tho’ not really the Man—Wikipedia entries by hostile weirdoes notwithstanding), brooded enigmatically at a front-row table… There wuz no mistaking lovely Lorena Farquhar, Daphne Adams, Fan Ameke, or Linda Vixen… Penelope Goodbody, who I heard is out of the hospital & up and around after being “doored” on Valencia St. wuz supposed to be there—anyone see her? I did see torrid Ty McKenzie at the bar when all was over & done with; with any luck, she’ll be back among us nextime… Say, during the show, weren’t we treated to a fab Ukulele performance by marvelous Meredith Axelrod, singing as she played her personalized Johnson “Uke.” Quite charming, Chicken’s inevitable muttered aside about his own johnson notwithstanding (rimshot)… Y’know, at ADH we’ve often enjoyed the participation of Ukulele performers, some of whom have moved to other, perhaps better things, from Uni & Her Uke and Kitten on the Keys to the glory days of the late, great Odeon Bar, where on certain sultry nites—even the fabled, crowded Last Night of the Odeon, our own Dr. Hal got to stand up there with luscious Linda Robertson and fetching Francine Bennett back when they were (not wore) Nice Pants– and warble some tunes, trying (in vain) not to be distracted by so much feminine pulchritude so close at hand… sigh… Oh, where were we? Oh yes– peripatetic Paul Pot with galumphing Canine Companion Jabba also made the scene. And despite the best efforts of Stage Manager/Head Technician Gabe, Your Host Robert Levy’s own pooch Bucky managed to get in some boisterous stage time. Ev’rybody wants ta get inta the act, as The Schnozz useta say… Wow! Even Durante made it into the old Column this wk…. As Chicken said, no performer likes to follow a Dog Act. But Ol’ Buck practically followed us– this was toward the end, & now this is at its end– see youse nextime…

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY SIX SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, by Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco…

Buy a Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

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