MONDAY, APRIL 28th, 2008!
The FINAL ASK DR. HAL Show!
WE’VE HAD A GOOD RUN… IT’S BEEN FUN… & NOW…
Are You ready for… KrOB’s Ultimate Edit— “Fear in the Fog”
a Monumental, Mighty Monster Mash-up?
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu– & Mystery Guests! Catch us
ONE MORE MONDAY at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 9 of 9
OUR LAST SHOW
O F T H E S E A S O N

Ask of me whatsoever thou wilt, and I will give it thee.
–Mark 6:22
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 28th) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show, after eight memorable performances, has come to its last episode of the present run. The remaining time to experience the long-running night club stage sensation has dwindled to a single remaining opportunity to come see our concluding and greatest production– and behold a KrOB “edit” which nicely sums up his showcasing of all things monstrous and alien. KrOB, that reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, now lifts one corner of the veil to reveal the ultimate horror of the full-bore, chaotic Monster Apocalypse as a special feature for our audience. Intrigued? Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, horrible soul-freezing featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attacks continues to the very end, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. You better believe it. But, starting off…
FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with VIGOROUS, VACUOUS VERBOSITY!
What’s supposed to happen is that before every show, by special arrangement, perennial pest/holy man Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) shout his barbaric yawp, in the famous phrase. And if he shows up, you can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This diatribe mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. At any rate, he’s often, of late, been a no-show. Will he be present for this, the last of these shows? It’s all in the lap of the Gods. Come see (and hear) for yourself…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE SETS the SCENE!
Chicken John doesn’t pull his punches. The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, starts us raucously rolling as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE presents: MYSTERIES of UNKNOWN WORLDS!
Pete Goldie, a scientific Colossus, has his head in the clouds, even beyond them in the endless reaches of space –but his feet are planted firmly on the ground. Not an Astrologer, but an Astronomer (don’t let Chicken John pull your leg), he is an eager auditor of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology, and motion of extraterrestrial objects & planetary bodies, as well as the formation and development of the universe itself. Did you know top N.A.S.A. scientists often attend our show (and/or listen to the live broadcast on Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9FM)? It’s true! Each of our shows traditionally begins with Pete’s segment: an illustrated recap of the actual latest findings of planetary Astronomy. But he’s, paradoxically, a down-to-earth kind of guy, who can tell you everything about the tiles on the Space Shuttle– and on your bathroom floor! Accompanied by his beloved, dangling model of the far-roving Cassini-Huygens Probe, Pete will zoom us (metaphorically) to (really) far-ranging land-and-space-scapes of outer Solar System Real Estate. The Cassini spacecraft, sports fans, is the first to explore the Saturnian system of rings and moons from orbit around that remote, giant gas planet. Pete’s been relaying its findings since Cassini entered orbit on June 30th, 2004– and immediately started to send him back intriguing images and data. The European Space Agency (ESA)’s Huygens Probe dove down, down into Titan’s thick atmosphere in January, 2005. The sophisticated instruments on both spacecraft are providing Pete (and our Ask Dr. Hal! audience) with vital data and the best views ever of this mysterious, vast region of our Solar System. So, remember when you view Pete’s monofilament-lofted model, lovingly crafted by Paul Pot, that the real Cassini-Huygens is an international collaboration between three space agencies. Seventeen nations contributed to building this spacecraft. The Cassini orbiter was built and managed by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, while the Huygens probe was built by the European Space Agency. And the Italian Space Agency provided Cassini’s high-gain communication antenna. In addition to Pete, more than 250 scientists worldwide are studying the data streaming back from Saturn on a daily basis. Just part of our Show (a part which was the longest it’s ever been last time as Pete evinced unusual stamina). HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! As for Kogar the Gorilla, we make no promises here that we can count on the participation of that “Primate Prima Donna.” From all indications, the well-known thespian simian has probably made his last knuckle-walking bow on our 12 Galaxies stage.
DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD—and brings back his BAG of YO-YO TRICKS!
Our very own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, Now “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Wow! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.) SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: for our final performance, David has promised he will whip out his Yo-Yo—and treat everyone to an exhibition of Yo-Yo mastery which will be long remembered ever after…
“DR.” HAL: MERETRICIOUS MOUNTEBANK with QUESTIONABLE QUALIFICATIONS– or DIVINELY INSPIRED, OROTUND ORACLE?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. That should settle it.
KrOB KREATES final MONSTER ATTACK CLIP for the AGES!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, we beheld the onslaught of the Living Skeleton, a tautology given life if not made flesh. In a whirling, clashing display of supernal swordsmanship, the dead faced off against the living. This time we leave the Realm of Legend for an anxious time more closely related to our own, where monsters dwell and where creatures roam. An unnerving incursion into a terrifyingly uncertain scene, where hapless humans find their lives as cheap as those of the so-called lower orders, and pragmatic predators operate with draconian directness. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
Ask Dr. Hal! was considerably enlivened by a surprise performance from the folks who brought you the Life-Size Game of Mousetrap at Burning Man and numerous other venues, thanks to mastermind manly Mark Perez & his mousetrap Myrmidons. An all-mouse-related, torrid Terpsichorean treat for the 12G audience employing elaborate props of giant cheeses provided a break from the usual question-&-answer, as slinky Spy & ravishing Rose, beauties of Burlesque, enacted a stylized synchronous dance routine during which the two lovely girls’ scanty costumes somehow became detached and fell to the floor, revealing their well-rounded charms to the delighted & appreciative crowd. From on stage we had an exceptionally good, close view of these goings on. Then, something for the ladies, as a brigade of Chippendale’s-style junkyard hunks invaded the stage. Pounding, pulsating Disco music blasted, the underdressed louts & oafs pranced and posed in multiple positions, smirking, rotating their hips & flexing their musculature as panicked homophobes fled in all directions… you never know what’ll be unleashed at one of our productions… We didn’t expect it… One surprise of the eve was the unexpected absence of Ringmonster & Show-host chucklin’ Chicken John. The Yeoman of the Showmen contracted a last-minute case of Epizootis & became too ill to perform. Luckily, Pirate Cat Radio’s own jaunty John Hell became available to fill Chick’s brogans—remarkable coincidence –as his own show at the station was cancelled. Mr. Hell has trod the boards with us before, under sim’lar circumstances, & we look forward pretty soon this year to a couple of iterations as Color Commentators for the Power Tool Drag Races (plug-ola!), 1st at the upcoming Maker Faire on May 3rd at the San Mateo Fairgrounds, then at good old Ace International Speedway this May 17th & 18th in San Fran-sissy-co. Another no-show was frantic Frank Chu, last seen hobnobbing on the Sassiety Page in the S.F. Chronicle w/ the so-called (ugh) “Swells.” Wottsamatta, Frankie, ain’t we good enough for you no more…? But we soldiered on…Despite running out of Question Slips early on (people wrote on bus transfers & napkins) we answered the queries of a good-sized crowd, bouncing back from our (comparative) attendance slump of last wk. & featuring such familiar fan faces as masterful Moss, radiant Rhiannon Charisse of Dark Room Theatre fame, & power couple heavenly Hallie McConlogue & comely Corey McGuire. Here’s more plug-ola: Dr. Hal will be marrying the two lovebirds at an outdoor public ceremony according to the principles of the Church of the SubGenius & the affiliated Universal Life Church, coming up soon at, again, the Maker Faire @ the San Mateo Fairgrounds. All audience members of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show are invited to attend, 2:30 Sunday May 4th as the vows are solemnized on the Balcony of the Neverwas Haul, the coolest of all Art Cars (since a rampaging Republican terrorist torched the land-going Galleon La Contessa). The Haul, a steam-powered Victorian house on wheels created by “Satan” Shannon O’Hare & kinky Kimric Smythe among others, will be newly re-fitted and looking better than ever. “Maker Faire is backing this whole thing, this crazy idea to the hilt,” enthuses hypostatic Hallie. “The marketing department loved the whole crazy story of our romance and how Corey won my heart. They gave us 100 free tickets. It also looks like there will be lots of media coverage. We also get to fire off the Life-Sized Mousetrap.” Love is in the air. So B there or B square, folks… Jewel-like Janay Growden, modest Mable Syrup, torrid Terri with squeeze Sherilyn Connelly, and comely Carinna, who lately took the waters with us at Delight’s Hot Springs on a recent Chicken John Bus Trip to the Mojave Desert were all on hand for our penultimate p’formance. So was jocund Josh the Orangebox Man, who we won’t be seeing again for at least a while—he’s also off for a life of wedded bliss, w/ fiancé sizzling Sarah Santos… Someone put a copy of Mr. Opp, a novel by Alice Hegan Rice, author of the immortal Mrs. Wiggs of the Cabbage Patch, on my desk. Thanx, Somebody… And thanx to all who have been supporting us with weekly attendance. We hope to reward you with a last show to die for (tho’ that shouldn’t be, strictly speaking, necessary)…
ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! OUR LAST SHOW BEFORE OCTOBER!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
We still have 4 or 5…
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

MONDAY, APRIL 21st, 2008!
The Penultimate ASK DR. HAL Show!
SEE the Fury of the Sword of the
I N C R E D I B L E
LIVING SKELETON!
AN EERIE INTERLUDE
The NECROMANCER’S VICTIM BROUGHT
BACK from the DEAD to ATTACK & DESTROY!
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu– & Mystery Guests! Catch us
TWO MORE MONDAYS at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 8 of 9

I will ask thee a thing; hide nothing from me.
Jeremiah 38:14

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 21st) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show now launches its next to last show of the present run. Two more performances in April will conclude this current iteration, the next not to be seen until (possibly) far October (but, who knows?), so the time to experience the long-running night club stage sensation is dwindling fast. Come this playdate– and behold a KrOB “edit” which continues his showcasing of ancient magic and mystery. KrOB, that reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, now wanders even farther into that hitherto ungleaned demesne, the Realm of Legend, with the story of… The Living Skeleton! (No, anorexia fans, this isn’t about some runway fashion model.) KrOB’s Klip concerns a fell sorcerer’s last, desperate gambit—the nadir of Black Magic’s evil purposes: the re-animation of the dead. Intrigued? Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, soul-freezing featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attacks continues, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. We kid you not. But starting off…
FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with VACANT, VERBOSE VOLUBILITY!
Before every show, by special arrangement, demon-haunted holy fool Frank Chu, a man on a mission (and in the Mission), protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will (if he can remember to show up for his performance) ascend the stage and deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide which hurts the mind to try to follow. This strange, monotone-voiced tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? In “Bob” Dobbs’s” Name, let’s hope not. This prelude is our Invocation to Unknown Gods—just in case. Then…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE LAYS the KEYSTONE!
The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, builds our foundation as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S ASTOUNDING ASTROMICAL ASTUTENESS ASTONISHES!
Pete Goldie will get right out there on stage and start showing (with the collaboration of dashing Dave Capurro (see below)) a slide show, accompanied by his crowd-pleasing lecture, of incredible, newly discovered anomalies and curiosities of the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A welcome appetizer to the main course, to satisfy even jaded palates. Accompanied by his beloved, dangling model of the far-roving Cassini-Huygens Probe, Pete will zoom us out of the sticks (Earth’s Gravity Well) into (really) far-ranging land-and-space-scapes of outer Solar System Real Estate. The Cassini spacecraft, sports fans, is the first to explore the Saturnian system of rings and moons from orbit around that remote, giant gas planet. Pete’s been relaying its findings since Cassini entered orbit on June 30th, 2004– and immediately started to send him back intriguing images and data. The European Space Agency (ESA)’s Huygens Probe dove down, down into Titan’s thick atmosphere in January, 2005. The sophisticated instruments on both spacecraft are providing Pete (and our Ask Dr. Hal! audience) with vital data and the best views ever of this mysterious, vast region of our Solar System. So, remember when you view Pete’s monofilament-lofted model, lovingly crafted by Paul Pot, that the real Cassini-Huygens is an international collaboration between three space agencies. Seventeen nations contributed to building this spacecraft. The Cassini orbiter was built and managed by NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory, while the Huygens probe was built by the European Space Agency. And the Italian Space Agency provided Cassini’s high-gain communication antenna. In addition to Pete, more than 250 scientists worldwide are studying the data streaming back from Saturn on a daily basis. Just part of our Show. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. They both won’t be with us until the end—for at least one of that anarchic pair, this will be his last bow on our 12 Galaxies stage.
DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD—and brings back his BAG of YO-YO TRICKS!
Our very own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and a stage or two (or three, or thirty-three). Now “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Gadzooks! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.) SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT: for these final performances, David will break out his Yo-Yo—and treat everyone to an exhibition of Yo-Yo mastery which will be long remembered ever after…
“DR.” HAL: QUERULOUS QUACK with QUESTIONABLE QUALIFICATIONS– or DEMONSTRATEDLY DYNAMIC DECLAMATOR?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. That should settle it.
SKELETON WARRIOR’S SWORD serves SORCERER’S sinful SCHEME!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, we beheld the dragon Magog, thrall of Sokurah the Necromancer on the cryptic Island of Colossa, break free from his chains and savagely battle a huge, grotesque Cyclops. This time we see that malevolent mage at his very worst, performing the supreme spiritual crime of Necromancy. The treasures of Colossa Island, on whose shores many vessels were wrecked, attracted many would-be finders, but few returned from its monster-haunted shores. Once, a Hero, one of the greatest swordsmen of his time, had attempted to pilfer Sokurah’s greatest treasure, the Lamp of Barani. But in this he failed, and the evil magician, triumphing, hung up the defeated warrior’s skeleton in his underground castle’s laboratory. But one day, as usually happens, inevitably a greater Hero came, and began to leave with the Lamp tucked into his sash. It was then that Sokurah exercised the full extent of his malefic power, causing the dry bones to live again. The Reaver’s spirit, not allowed the peace of his lawful eternal rest, and in new thrall to Sokurah, seized a sword and shield from the stone wall of the castle– and his grinning skeleton advanced on Sokurah’s new adversary, for a battle to– and beyond– Death. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
Ask Dr. Hal’s 7th voyage took a while to launch. Oh, we were all ready, but as so oft happens, the audience didn’t meander in until almost ten PM. When they come in early, we can start early; it’s that simple– but this time—no dice. Too bad, too, since we could have gone longer. But maybe it was for the best, since so many of the questions this time were of a pronounced Low Comedy origin, all about farts, turds & what have you. We’ll answer ‘em, & it’s our job to make it entertaining, but sometimes it’s a rough slog. Still, we did have some good questions, and the crowd included some of our favorite people: ravishing Robin Coomer of Loop Station, slinky Sonjia Miles a.k.a. the Holy Hemptress who helped set out our late-arriving question slips, the Dark Room Theatre’s sizzling Sherilyn Connelly, maven of their Bad Movie Night (plug-ola!) with g.f. the tempting Terri, peripatetic Puzzling Evidence, radiant Rhiannon Charisse (& from the stage we heard the unmistakeable laff of her mom, marvelously mad Mable Syrup), & ADH stalwart puissant Paul Pot w/ ever-present cavorting canine companion jocose Jabba, & manic Moses, who was there when the lights went out… Jocund Josh the Orangebox Man was still around—enjoy him while you can, folks; he’s headed any day now for woods & pastures new, not to mention the arms of fiancée Colombian cutie stellar Sara Santos… Pedantic Pete Goldie showed off some great & intriguing views of distant worlds (that’s what we [don’t actually] pay him for) & then had to deal once more with that ??!!@#$%! frantic Fozzmo the Clown & his gorilla-suited stooge. Where was Security—missing in action yet again? At least our usual mind-breaking Special Effects are being expertly helmed, as usual, by gagmeister Gabe… Our Host Robert Levy decorated the mahogany for a few imbibers, but we repeat: drink more alcohol! Follow the example of diligent David Capurro & krazy KrOB, get plastered, even, but, c’mon, order from the bar, ADH fans. The house will thank you, chortling Chicken will thank you… Remember, the measure of our success is tied, like it or not, to booze sales at these shows. So march up to the bar & lay out some coin for some Dutch Courage, and we might even be asked to come back to 12G when this run’s over… ‘Twas refreshing to see beauteous Barbara Manepudeam, out clubbing w/ foxy Fan Ameke, & where was the latter’s b.f. Anthony Phoer? La ronde ever continues on the Blvd. of Broken Dreamz… Bold Blue showed, as did the redoubtable Rathbuns, Nieves & Dan, admirable Adriane & trusty Tomas… Alluring Alison Gerlach proved to be a good sport, sports fans, when she aced the Fernet/Whipit Challenge, even as gone gosling Gabe poured on the (very) Special FX… The show was a homecoming for many of us. Over that weekend we’d traveled far, a busload of roisterers on the annual Amargosa Opera House/Mojave Desert/Delight’s Hot Springs trip, but most of our pals from that Chicken John Odeon Applause Bus junket were apparently too tired out, still, to show their faces. Even Dammit the Wonder Dog… Maybe next week we’ll see some of ‘em… We do have some surprises plann’d. What “surprises?” Come & find out. If we gave away the store here, it wouldn’t be a surprise now, would it?

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY TWO SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

MONDAY, APRIL 14th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
DRAGON vs. CYCLOPS –
BATTLE of IMPROBABLE MONSTERS!
—WHO WILL WIN?
AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken John, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests! Catch us
EVERY MONDAY at 9:00 PM during APRIL!

(MARK YOUR CALENDAR!)

[ A D V E R T I S E M E N T ]
BUY a SIGNED PRINT of Dr. HAL ART
(All proceeds go to artist. Scroll to bottom of page.)

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 7 of 9

Ask me no questions, and I’ll tell you no lies.
–TRADITIONAL

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 14th) – The Ask Dr. Hal! Show continues into April with a KrOB “edit” well in line with the previous entries in the series, yet also something never tried until now. That reclusive and adroit manipulator of iconic vignettes mined from deep veins of cryptic popular culture, KrOB now crosses farther over into a hitherto unprospected demesne, the Realm of Legend, with the story of the last moments in the lives of a satyr-like Cyclops and his adversary, a hundred-foot-long flightless, fire-breathing Dragon. True, he showed (and may again) the depredations of dragonish creatures invading our modern world (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. VIII, No.1) but this time we indulge in more than such playful surrealism. Our show is broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you want), but if you want to see, as opposed to just hear this incredible, lovingly retrieved featurette, a staple of the oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian and Playboy Online), Ask Dr. Hal! show, you really owe it to yourself to toddle on down to 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, gleefully presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. But starting off…

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with ORACULAR ORATION!
Before every show, by special arrangement, gadabout gadfly/holy man Frank Chu, a man on a mission, protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide which hurts the mind to try to follow. This strangely laid-back tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Oh Lord, let’s hope not. This prelude stands in relation to our show as an Invocation to the Olympic Gods did in the days of Ancient Hellas. And we’re hella glad to showcase Frank as part of our programme, heh, heh. Then…

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE NAMES the NAMES and RAKES the MUCK!
The charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate (and future Supervisoral candidate), having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious, if tormented Tibet, starts us rolling as he shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood, choosing his musings on life, strife, love, talk thereof, politics, parlor tricks and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S STERLING ASTRO-SCIENCE SIDELIGHTS!
Pete Goldie will get right up on stage and start showing (with the collaboration of dashing Dave Capurro (see below)) a slide show, accompanied by his crowd-pleasing lecture, of incredible, newly discovered anomalies and curiosities of the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A welcome appetizer to the main course, to satisfy even jaded palates. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. They kind of do what they want to do…

DAVID CAPURRO EXPERTLY EXTRACTS RELEVANCY from the COMPUTER KEYBOARD!
From two-bit, pee wee, tank town, rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (that’s us), our own dementedly devoted David Capurro, in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and a stage or two (or three, or thirty). Yes, “Cappy” vivaciously vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, What the–?! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but that’s showbiz.)

“DR.” HAL: DISSEMBLING, DOUBLE-DEALING DUFFER with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or DEMON-HAUNTED DYNAMO of DECANTATION?
Not for us to say. Questions answered— isn’t that the important thing? Your concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds. As for the legitimacy of his Doctoral credentials, the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon him, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon his completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. ‘Nuff said.

WAR of the GIANTS— CYCLOPS vs. DRAGON in BATTLE ROYAL!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, inordinately large alien hunting spiders, along with other critters too outré to classify, made (not too-) mercifully short work of ordinary, tax-paying American consumers in a fog-shrouded convenience store parking lot. It was really something to see these Joe Lunchpail types fall to the chelicerae of aggressive, hungry and relentless 600-pound scuttling mega-spiders. Not to mention 4-story mantises and other unexpected predators, escapees from an exo-plenum. But now we’re going to see something he’s long wished to present. We will see the dragon Magog, thrall of Sokurah the Necromancer on the cryptic Island of Colossa, break free from his chains and savagely battle a huge, grotesque Cyclops. This time the monsters don’t attack humans. They’re too busy attacking each other! Space is limited here– let’s just say that this spectacular, green fire-breathing dragon, who guards his evil lord’s cavern against the incursion of satyr-like one-eyed giants, simply loses it when one of the latter actually has the temerity to stride right into the cave. The fight that follows beggars description.
The Cyclopes, or single-eyes, were originally the offspring of Elder Gods Gaia and Uranus and served (under Hephaestus) as the inventive blacksmiths of the Olympian gods. They were skilled metal workers and created Zeus’s thunderbolts, Poseidon’s trident, and Hades’s Helmet of Darkness that was later used by Perseus while on his quest to decapitate the Gorgon, Medusa. When the universe came into being, there were many monsters and vague forms that were gradually replaced with beings with forms more human. The second generation of Cyclops was comparatively degenerate, however, anthropophagous island-dwellers who were the offspring of Poseidon and the sea nymph Thoosa, ignorant shepherds who had lost the secrets of metallurgy. In the third generation, they had even lost the power of speech, though they preserved and used furniture and accouterments from their superior progenitors. These latter giants had reverted to a satyr-like configuration, the cloven hoofs and shaggy limbs supporting a quasi-reptilian, humanoid torso. Their huge heads bore one or two horns.
As for the Dragon Magog, a somewhat sympathetic figure, whose crystal egg was found and retrieved by the wizard Sokurah from ancient China, two hundred years previous to when we see him, and who was kept ever afterward as the Magician’s slave, his underground captivity eerily prefigures the imprisonment of Satan in the Book of Revelation. He’s called a dragon too. Cool, eh? No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits”on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ will again comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, we are prompted to ask, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Think about it. Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
It wouldn’t be a show without jolly Josh the Orangebox Man, who it seems is always somewhere about when we do our stuff. Sadly, This Space must now announce that fairly soon he’ll be leaving us… for good. It’s all good for Josh, at any rate, who will be permanently moving to NYC (on April 22nd) just in time to miss the very last ADH show on the 29th (& wotta show that’s gonna be! Mark your freakin’ calendars!) But (as usual) we digress. It’ll be good for the Boxman because… [drumroll] in the Big Apple on May 4th he will wed his sweetheart, Colombian cutie Sara Santos. But the lovebirds won’t be building their nest in rocketing real estate-challenged S.F. any time soon, we hear, but– who knows? P’rhaps the happy couple’ll favor us sometime with a visit… Dynamic Don Bruce, a Patron of the Arts, took in our Show w/out main squeeze torrid Tracy Feldstein. We forgive you this once, Tracy—just don’t let it happen again, savvy? Daring Don, by the way, is (distantly) related to Dr. Hal, dontcha know. We both share a family tree which counts as an ancestor the redoubtable Robert Bruce of bonnie Scotland, victor in the epic Battle of Bannockburn. Another progenitor of ours, just between you, us & the gatepost, is that Thane of Fife known as MacDuff. Ye know him then, laddie? –the one who killed the malign MacBeth—the only swordsman who could slay that evil king who could only be done in, remember, by one “of no woman born,” since ol’ MacD was, as they say, “from his mother’s womb untimely ripp’d.” But enuff of yesterday’s newspaper…Journeyman Janor Hypercleets, a.k.a. Mister TV, paid us a visit. He’d like to be a Supporting Act for us during this run. How about it, Chicken? Well, KrOB wuz on the job w/ his gory Giant Spider edit & his incomparable musical meanderings, while Sound God Gabe kept the wow & flutter to a minimum… Jaunty Jeff Grove, the un-crabby cabby, showed up, and brawny Brian Doherty wuz also in the house. That selfsame scrivener, author of This is Burning Man (plug-ola) is now churning out another tome. Scribble, scribble scribble, eh, Brian? There wuz no mistaking kurvaceous Krista Avril Bray, tempting Ty McKenzie & a bevy of other beauties, incl. joyous Janay Growden (who couldn’t keep her hands off handsome Harrison, the lucky dawg), & The Dark Room’s own radiant Rhiannon Charisse. Regal Rhiannon’s mom Cheryl, a.k.a. mesmerizing Mable Syrup wuz also on hand to lend us moral support. Hardy Hallie McConlogue showed up, the guy who’s forthcoming wedding (to the captivating Corey) will be p’formed—Flash! –on May 4th at this year’s Maker Faire out at the San Mateo County Fairgrounds. The plan is that these nuptials will be solemnized on the Neverwas Haul, coolest vehicle at Burning Man & elsewhere (since the burning of the lost La Contesssa, that is). The brainchild of krazy Kimric Smythe and ever-stalwart Shannon O’Hare, the Neverwas, a steam-era Victorian house on wheels (yes, Pilgrim, you read it rite) oughta make a great place to tie th’ knot. Who’ll be officiating? Your own Dr. Hal, that’s who… Peripatetic Paul Pot w/ careening canine companion Jabba made the scene, & we noted that galivanting gadabout power couple, Sherrilyn Connelly w/ squeeze Terri… Flash! If you like puppets, miniatures & Godzilla movies (& who doesn’t?) you owe it to yourself to take in a great interactive show now running (opened April 3rd) @ Cellspace, the work of resplendently radiant Robin Frohardt of Runaway Truck Tramps fame. It’s…Cardboard Town! An amazing miniature construction of an elaborately detailed, all-cardboard city! Here’s the scoop: Friday, April 18, 8pm-til’ late: “End of the Ages,” a Warning for our Time. Closing Apocalypse and Rebirth Party, DJs, Superheroes vs. The Monsters—it’ll all be there. Unleash your inner Godzilla. Movie making, puppet theatre & unspecified surprises. It’s all Free! Tho’ why it shd. be free is still a mystery (to our befuddled noggin), since it’s a fun(d) raiser for Cell Space. We useta perform there, in the longago, doing many of Chicken’s Game Shows. But they kicked us out, folks. Something about how Chicken’s shows unleashed too much raucous “negative energy.” And they replaced us with… Yoga. Go figger… But, no hard feelin’s—if you went, back then, to see us there, now go there again for music, drinks, and (on the last nite) the costume dance party! From the folks who brought you the Apocalypse Puppet Theatre—and that too will be there for a Performance. Visit www.cardboardinstitute.com for more images and information. Go check it out @ Cell Space, 2050 Bryant Street rite here in good ol’ San Francisco, CA (more plug-ola). All in all, everyone wuz satisfied after last Mon.’s show. Everyone, that is, but righteous Robert Levy, our Host at 12 G. If you pikers’d only buy more liquor, he’d be way happy. And when he’s happy, we’re one happy chappy…

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY THREE SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

MONDAY,
APRIL 7th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
CONVENIENCE MART CARNAGE
of the STUPENDOUS SPIDERS!
—RUN GALLOPS ON AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!

OUR PRICE: $8.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 6 of 9

The Retort Courteous; ….the Quip Modest; …the Reply Churlish… the Reproof Valiant; …the Countercheck Quarrelsome; …the Lie Circumstantial; …the Lie Direct.
WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
[1564-1616]
As You Like It, Scene IV, Line 75

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (April 7th) – The first Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the new month of April, broadcast every Wednesday night on Pirate Cat Radio (84.9 FM on your radio dial) from 10:00 to Midnight (and as a podcast whenever you will), oft celebrated and award-winning (in the Bay Guardian), burbles up through the repressed psychic substratum of contemporary consciousness in one unstoppable volcanic blast as, in its next iteration, a mind-breaking KrOB “edit” details a deadly confrontation between outsized arachnids from an alien plenum and hysterical, fleeing humans, their prey, in a convenience store parking lot. Horrible, giant exo-spiders reap their humanoid harvest supper. Could it happen here? Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adroitly presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. And that ain’t easy…

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with ADDRESS to the POPULACE
Before every show, by special arrangement, gadabout gadfly/holy man Frank Chu, a man on a mission, protest sign clutched firmly in hand, the pioneer after whose opaque musings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) warn, comfort and command, in Wordsworth’s famous phrase. You can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This strangely laid-back tirade mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. Come see hear, and decide for yourself…

CHICKEN JOHN’S traditional MONOLOGUE, a PHILOSOPHICAL INTERLUDE ANTICIPATED by ALL
Having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious Tibet, the charismatic former San Francisco Mayoral candidate shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love,
politics and the true meaning of “greening.” And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S unstoppable SCIENCE SUMMARY!
Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin “Dad” Pete Goldie will start the show with a lecture and slide show highlighting future real estate opportunities tucked away in the far reaches of our good old Solar System. A crowd-pleasing appetizer to the main course. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that justly celebrated goofball auteur, but we make no promises here. (We do give our Word, however, that if the latter, that rough-edged roustabout, shows any further inclination not to get off the stage when his brief segment is concluded, his future appearances shall be, in all likelihood, severely curtailed.)

DAVID CAPURRO PSYCHICALLY FUSES with the COMPUTER KEYBOARD
From two-bit tank town rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (us, of course), our own dashing David Capurro. in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and knows full well the strain attendant upon maintaining the “Arduous Heights of Fame.” Yes, “Cappy” vivifies our Show with a kind of visual, Virtual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, behold!! A confirming (or at least, ideally, congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but you get what you pay for.)

“DR.” HAL: MENDACIOUS, MASQUERADING MOUNTEBANK with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or ELITE ENTERTAINER PUISSANTLY PROVIDING PRECOGNATIVE PRELECTION?
Not for us to say. Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds.

SOUL-SUCKING SPIDEROIDS MASTICATE MIDDLE-CLASS MALLRATS
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, an anomalous Allosaurus, a prehistoric creature, plagued fur and buckskin-clad primitives in a Paleolithic encampment until ventrally impaled by an adroitly-wielded tent-pole. This week, KrOB plans to feature an astonishing Arachnid attack never before shown at our venue,wherein inordinately large hunting spiders, along with other critters too outré to classify, make (not too-) mercifully short work of hapless schlubs who just happen to be, like every one of us at some point, in the wrong place at the wrong time. Be in at the kill to witness the unforgettable ends of ordinary, tax-paying American consumers via the chelicerae of aggressive, hungry and relentless 600-pound scuttling mega-spiders. Cool, eh? Yowza! No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ to comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

SOCIAL NOTES
Dots & Dashes– & Lots of Flashes! So often we’ve been ask’d, anent this whole “Dr. Hal” thing, even by apparently well-wishing individuals, “So, you’re like, a doctor? Uhhh… what kind of doctor?” Prompting the headache-inducing explanation from Yrs. Truly that showman Chicken John hung that appellation on us, back when we were both (comparatively) young & tender under the apple boughs. An autodidact of sorts, Dr. Hal’s “legitimate” Academic credentials are, to be kind, somewhat slender, viz. “a Bachelor, not a Doctor” (B.A. degree, University of Arizona, conferred 1972). Well, This Space now announces that the Head of Dr. Hal’s Order (the Church of the SubGenius), none other than the Most Exalted Reverend Ivan Stang himself, did confer upon us, on Wednesday the 2nd of April 2008, upon our completion of the Protracted Syllabus of SubGenius Studies, the Degree of DOKTOR OF DIVINITY in the name of the Dobbstown Liberty College of Love. Just call us “Doc.”… Flash! Kinetic Krista Bray, one of our favorite people, is now seeking volunteers for a photo shoot @ her place of business, the Posture Studio of San Francisco, 3150 18th Street, Suite 465. This’s on April 10th from 5pm to 7pm. If’n you can’t make that date, mate, you have another chance on Friday, April 25th @ th’ same hrs. The stunning Krista, now a specialist in curing the ills caused by slouching, slumping & other solecisms, knows how to Align your Spine ‘til you Feel just Fine. Go ahead, check out her current (and ever improving) website: www.theposturestudio.com and see what this holistic healing method’s all about. Anyhoo, alluring Krista, in return for 30 minutes or so of your time (max) getting your picture taken while doing a simple stretch or exercise or interacting with her at her studio, all for her website and brochures, is now offering one FREE Initial Posture Therapy Appointment, valued at $150! You’ll get, in addition to the rewards of posing with Krista, a full posture evaluation and set of digital posture pictures, have your gait analyzed, and an online account of your very own with video instruction for a personalized program of exercises and stretches designed to restore your postural alignment, increase range of motion and reduce pain, even if she doesn’t use your pictures! She needs some of those—shots of herself working with clients– and would like to include “a range of ages,” young & old. Could you, or someone you know, be interested in a trade for this health-giving service? Tell her you read about it in the Dr. Hal Report… Pedantic Pete Goldie’s Show Segment wuz korn-cluded when friendly Fozzmo the Clown & kinky Kogar the Mystery Ape traipsed on stage for a hefty dose of their usual shenanigans. Trouble was, ol’ Fozzmo refused to leave, stre-e-etching his Moment in the Limelight past all proportion while hapless helpless Chicken fumed behind his desk, unable to bring out Dr. Hal. Only Kogar, that amiable ape, interceded at the last minute to drag the unspeakable Karnage Klown away so we could get going. He rated an xtra buncha bananas for that one… And… how about that KrOB Sign, eh, folks? Fully restored to its former, Odeon-era glory, it’s back at last, blinking & winking at our crazy crowd. Kolossal! Ya know, we haven’t (so far) experienced the attendance drop-off in the crowds at these shows—when they figger, oh well, it’ll be there next week, I’m too tired to go this week. Then they don’t come at all, until our last play date (in this run that’ll be April 28th) causing the house to get smaller & smaller, & Rocambolesque Robert Levy, 12 G’s Host with the Most, to frown over his unprofitable & diminishing bar tab. But this 9-week run (so far) that hasn’t happened. The crowd diminuendo, that is. Rococo Robert’s phiz still wears that fearsome frown—you guys aren’t drinking enuff! A pitiable thing it is, when the door beats the bar tab! C’mon, guys & gals, do the right thing & don’t embarrass us. All you have to do is get plastered… That advice wasn’t needed by roguish Ron Turner, magnate of S.F.’s Last Gasp publishing empire. Beaming bonhomie, Big Ron presided at his barstool among a swirl of sycophants… Luscious Lynn Rubenzer, whose fab painting/Art inst’llatn can now be seen on Valencia St. wuz present, along with zesty Zannah Noe… Other Beauties of the Evening included curvaceous Cameron McHenry, ever-appealing jaunty Janay Growden, exhilarating Erica, buxom Belinda X, supergroup Loop Station’s own provocative powerhouse ravishing Robin Coomer, & The Dark Room’s own righteous Rhiannon Charisse, not in attendance thistime with “supermom” meritorious Mable Syrup… Pale Student of the Unhallowed Arts demon-haunted D.S. Black put in one of his rare appearances… A Bode Convergence: Cartooning legend maniacal Mark Bode brought along daughter zetetic Zara & swain… Flash! If you like puppets, miniatures & Godzilla movies (& who doesn’t?) you owe it to yourself to take in a great interactive show now running (opened April 3rd) @ Cellspace, the work of resplendently radiant Robin Frohardt of Runaway Truck Tramps fame. It’s…Cardboard Town! An amazing miniature construction of an elaborately detailed, all-cardboard city! Here’s the scoop: Thursday - April 10, 8pm: “The Corruption!” “Witness the Decline—and Summoning of the Great Beasts of retribution.” Unleash your inner Godzilla. Movie making, puppet theatre & unspecified surprises. It’s all Free! Then, Friday, April 18, 8pm-til’ late: “End of the Ages,” a Warning for our Time. Closing Apocalypse and Rebirth Party, DJs, Superheroes vs. The Monsters—it’ll all be there. Wotta show! We don’t dig why it’s free, since this’s a fun(d)-raiser for Cell Space. We useta perform there, in the longago, doing many of Chicken’s Game Showz… Now go there again for music, drinks, and (on the last nite) the costume dance party! From the folks who brought you the Apocalypse Puppet Theatre—and that too will be there for a Performance. Visit www.cardboardinstitute.com for more images and information. Go check it out @ Cell Space, 2050 Bryant Street rite here in good ol’ San Francisco, CA. Boy, what an era of showmanship we’re going through in this burg. Know what I mean? It can’t last forever…Where were we? Oh, yes– also present (I’m told, didn’t see him—where wuzzee?) wuz pertinacious Paul Pot, gadabout Geoffrey Smart & perplexing Puzzling Evidence… Jocund Josh the Orangebox Man, taking a break from gorilla wrangling, slid in some Side Notes… Of course we hosted manful Moses, gadfly Gabe on sound and Very Special Visual Effects detail, & even fantabulous Fan Ameke (insert wolf-whistle here)… Peripatetic Perry Shirley rubbed shoulders w/ the likes of musician brawny Blind Lemon Phillips… All in all, a good group. If only they’d plunk down a few more simoleons for some Dutch Courage, we’d satisfy the mgmt. Were you there? Well, you’ve got a mere four more chances. Our show won’t be around forever either, sad 2 say…

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! A GORILLA SUIT! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GALACTIC ASTRONOMY! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY FOUR SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Monsters, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the Treaty of Ghent was never signed, Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

MONDAY,
MARCH 31st, 2008!
St Stupid’s Day Eve…
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
AGGRESSIVE ATTACK of the
ANARCHIC ALLOSAURUS!
—RUN CONTINUES AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro,
Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during MARCH & APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!

OUR PRICE: $7.00 (CHEAP)
… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 5 OF 9

Always the beautiful answer who asks a more beautiful question.
E. E. CUMMINGS [1894-1962]
Collected Poems [1938]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (Mar. 24th) – The last Ask Dr. Hal! Show of March will crown St Stupid’s Day Eve this year, the night before the 30th Anniversary Parade of Bishop Joey of the San Francisco-based cult, “The First Church of the Last Laugh” makes its way through the streets of S.F.’s Downtown to the inevitable bewilderment of business-suited corporate drones. The night of the 31st, the award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) Ask Dr. Hal! Show pirouettes and pliés into elegant, Empyrean realms of showmanship as, in its next iteration, a breathtaking KrOB “edit” details an anachronistic (but poetically justifiable) confrontation between early humans (albeit in an admirable state of civilization) and a young Allosaurus fragilis, a theropod dinosaur adrift from its own Jurassic Period and actively seeking a humanoid harvest supper. All in classic, breathtaking stop-motion animation. Yes, just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adroitly presented by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. We learn as we go.
Then, on April 1st (St Stupid’s Day), Dr. Hal & all faithful fellow-travelers will meet at Noon, near the Vaillancourt Fountain at the foot of Market St. to assemble for the historic Parade. Follow the stream of costumed weirdoes to the assembly point, and participate in a San Francisco tradition almost a third of a century old. ‘Nuff said.

FRANK CHU to OPEN SHOW with CHALLENGE to the FUTURE
Before every show, by special arrangement, perennial pest/holy man Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and (figuratively speaking) shout his barbaric yawp, in the famous phrase. You can absolutely depend on Frank to deliver– deliver a rapid-fire, curiously unimpassioned, incomprehensible bromide, that is. This diatribe mentions various members of the U.S.Govt. and beings from numerous other worlds as members of a vast, over-arching Conspiracy. But could he be right? Maybe it’s all just too big to grasp. Come see (and hear) for yourself…

CHICKEN JOHN’S traditional MONOLOGUE welcomes ATTENDEES
The former San Francisco Mayoral candidate, having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious Tibet, shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love,
politics and the relative merits of Diesel fuel. And then…

PETE GOLDIE’S ineffable SCIENCE REPORT!
Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin Pete Goldie will start the show by taking us out– way out, man. A quondam NASA consultant, Dr. Goldie is also a raconteur, artificer and craftsman, and a delver into mysteries of natural philosophy. You’ll be spellbound as Pete will set before your baby blues (or bambino browns) uncanny landscapes of the outer solar system. Oh, you might, if lucky, happen upon some blurred, monochrome image in the newspaper or a goofy, pre-packaged sixty-second “Feature” on Conspiracy TV, while channel-surfing, of the latest release from N.A.S.A. of some tantalizing tidbit of Science Discovery. Guess what? In all likelihood, these images have already been seen, thanks to Pete, in sumptuous and exquisite detail, by the enlightened audiences of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show months earlier! The well-known bon vivant actually arranged for our name, and Chicken’s, to be shot into space aboard the Dawn Explorer on its mission to the Asteroid Belt! We think that says it all. As scientific and educational as all-get-out. HEY KIDS! Special Appearance by Fozzmo the Clown! Maybe even Kogar the Gorilla will join that famed slap-happy gagster, but we make no promises here.

DAVID CAPURRO is ONE with the COMPUTER KEYBOARD
From rinky-dink, tinhorn fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (us, of course), our own dashing David Capurro. in his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, has performed in multiple venues, One of Ask Dr. Hal!’s “stuporstars,” he’s been on National TV and has seen more stages than Jesse James! Yes, “Cappy” livens our Show with a kind of visual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Shazam! A confirming (or at least congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy, but he works for peanuts.)

“DR.” HAL: SHODDY CHARLATAN with DUBIOUS DOCTORATE or ENLIGHTENING ENTERTAINER effortlessly ENGAGING with ESOTERIC WISDOM?
Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic
Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect. Private consultations available. No refunds.

ANOMALOUS ALLOSAUR IMPALED by TORRID TROGLODYTE in CRUSTY CAVEMAN CONTRETEMPS!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, an enormous Walrus, a prehistoric creature, surged up, crashing through the sea ice from beneath– and charged across the ice pack, slashing from side to side with its immense tusks, exhibiting boldness and bellicosity. This week, KrOB plans to feature an amazing Allosaurus attack… “A 30-foot-long, two-legged cross between a crocodile and a mountatin lion. Add a huge skull and the predatory behavior of a shark. That’s Allosaurus.” This was how a 1993 issue of National Geographic appropriately described this remarkable animal. Allosaurus was the most common & successful predator of the late Jurassic. These theropods are often referred to as “the wolves of the Jurassic” because they so were so widespread. Indeed, A. fragilis is the only theropod species positively identified on more than one continent. Thousands of fossilized bones (in a few cases, nearly complete skeletons) found throughout North America have made Allosaurus one of the most well understood of all predatory dinosaurs. We see, in our Featurette, a young specimen which has not attained its full growth, though big enough to pick up and kill two cavemen. And, as luck (leavened with primordial boldness) would have it, the humans manage to destroy the impetuous Allosaurus in return. Be in at the kill to witness the unforgettable death-tantrum of the dying dinosaur, so tenacious in its hold on life, even unto the moment of its death. Hear it scream and squall in frustration and fury. This is reckoned one of the great stop-motion sequences of all time, folks. By Ray Harryhausen. Cool, eh? Whew!
No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction, would it? Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ to comprise a memorable multi-media experience. Just keep him away from that Kn/rob Creek bottle—he’ll do just fine.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

ASK DR. HAL! SALUTES 30th ANNUAL St STUPID’S DAY PARADE
Grown men and women. Really. The First Church of the Last Laugh is the only world religion that everyone on the planet is already a member of. The 30th annual St Stupid’s Day Parade is yet another tired old tradition in the city that knows how, but not why… People show up in weird costumes, bring obscure signs, tote strange musical instruments, carry bags of pennies, old lottery tickets and socks to dispense at the proper Stations of Stupid and follow a fat, bald white guy with a big drum through the Financial District on the sidewalk to honor St Stupid, patron saint of civilizations and parking meters. This year promises to be essentially just the same as last year– and a vision of what it’ll be like next year. As traditions go, this one’s in a rut –and shows no sign of stopping.
Remember, there’s no march to Washington Square Park this year. Meet at the foot of Market St.
Sponsored by the First Church of the Last Laugh, the world’s oldest religion and largest church, of which you’re already a member –so you may as well show up to see why. Come one, come all, and find out if this year there’s a free lunch.
Still not confused? Go to:
www.saintstupid.com

SOCIAL NOTES
And so, once again Ask Dr. Hal! took place at 12 Galaxies and was well attended. Too well attended, according to Chicken, who took umbrage at the boorish behavior of some tables of newbies, who yakked without modulation thru the whole show, Bardic recitations and all. Unlax, Doc, as Bugs Bunny used to say. We got their cash, didn’t we? Remember the old SubGenius saw: “They may be Pink, but their money is green.” Just as long as they’re happy, we maintain. We’re trying to produce entertainment over here, after all… Ackshually, this iteration of ADH wuz a milestone in quite a few respects. Pertinacious Pete Goldie got to stage his Tribute to the late Sir Arthur C. Clarke, with an Able Assist from Yrs. Truly (channeling HAL 9000), friendly Fozzmo the Clown & even a repeat appearance –Konggratulations!– by kinky Kogar the Mystery Ape. And… how about that KrOB Sign, eh, folks? It was back & ablaze in a full restoration of its former glory. Thanx R due to ADH supporter laudable Louise Jarmilowicz, from whom we scored the original Art Deco red & silver letterz, saintly Sebastian Melmoth, who re-did the neon –twice! after klumsy KrOB busted same, and cheerful Chicken, who sawed & fitted the plexi & hauled the thing down to 12G just in time to set it up. Oh, yes, it’s back—it’s back at last, blinking & winking at our crazy crowd. Yeah!
They went for our wild Walrus clip, too, & also endorsed our peek at Life Aboard the Int’l Space Station. Dynamic Dave Capurro also shone, not only finagling Fernet outta choleric Chicken w/ his very first question, but also coming up on his own with a video addition of one of the sickest clips that ever came toddling down the pike. Well, his fans, or some of those, were there—We saw ‘em –& I guess they weren’t disappointed… Also present were studly Shboopie & jubilant Janay Growden. Here’s a tip: those of us who won’t be on the Chicken John Bus Trip this wk. end might want to amble down to 12 G for the Mark Growden Benefit on Saturday, March 29th, starting up around 9:00 in the PM. Masterful Mark, who’s Jewel-like Janay’s brother, had a bad bicycle accident & will need much medical care to repair his stressed-out skeleton. Kontakt kurvy Katy Bell if you wanna be in on it. It’s a good cause, ADH fans… Also present were pertinacious Paul Pot—he must really like our show –tempestuous Ty McKenzie who’s pursuing a comet-like career in Theatre Arts, paramount Puzzling Evidence, & luscious Lynn Rubenzer, one of the brightest artists now lighting the local scene… Rocambolesque Robert Levy, our Host, polished the mahogany. I’m sure he wanted to sell more booze, but cheapskates abounded that nite & the door beat the bar in revenoo… dizguzzting… buy more Dutch Courage, you pikers! Don’t make our Show look bad! Jocund Josh the Orangebox Man lent a hand w/ skits ‘n Side Notes. Say, I didn’t get to tell him that, due to his Special Connections in the Food Service Industry, he provided Yrs. Truly & KrOB with free movie tix! It’s not what ya know, but who, we guess, after all. We saw 10,000 BC @ AMC 1000 up on Van. No dinosaurs —booo! —but the Smilodon, Mammoth herds & Phorusrachid birds were OK. Maybe we see a future KrOB edit somewhar in thar, heh, heh…Captivating Cindy Foulkes, who stayed all the way to the post-show afterparty, reminisced abt. the days, now long gone, when KrOB ran his own nite spot, the famed Café This… Then there was man-about-town Moss, an ADH fan from way back, seductive Spy Emerson with boy toy manly Moses, gadfly Gabe on sound and Very Special Visual Effects detail, & even prodigal Phoenix, taking a breather from home life as a Proud Papa… Slinky Spy, by the bye, is the Top Producer of Dystopic Horizons Realty. Since rent control in S.F. may be about to fly away like the Passenger pigeon—you are paying attention to current events, aren’t you? Going to vote against Prop. 98 this June? Sure you are— you may need to look up sizzling Spy one of these daze post-election, so she can put you in a nice unit of affordable artist housing crafted of sturdy fiberboard. Remember, “It’s not a cardboard house… it’s a cardboard home…” We also noted The Dark Room’s own righteous Rhiannon Charisse, in attendance with “supermom” meritorious Mable Syrup… Altogether a great bunch of guys & dolls… Were you there? Well, you’ve got a mere five more chances. Our show won’t be around forever… It only seems that way…

ASK DR. HAL! EXCLUSIVE! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! DON’T MISS IT! ONLY FIVE SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, by Monsters, Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where Hubert Humphrey was elected President, the South won the Civil War, or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco… In our cosmos he did get 11,000 votes…

Limited Time Offer! Now You can Buy a Special, Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

EASTER MONDAY,
MARCH 24th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
CHARGE of the MAMMOTH WALRUS!
—RUN CONTINUES AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro, Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
AND…
Put on your Easter Bonnet for Chicken John’s “Happy Easter” Birthday Special! He’s 40!
MONDAY NIGHT!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during MARCH & APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!

OUR PRICE: $7.00 (CHEAP)

… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 4 OF 9

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

MONDAY, MARCH 17th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL! Presents:
UNCANNY UNDERSEA RAMPAGE of the MAMMOTH MONSTER AMMONITE!
—RUN CONTINUES AT 12 GALAXIES—
2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro, Pete Goldie, Frank Chu & Mystery Guests!
MONDAY NIGHT!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM
during MARCH & APRIL!) MARK YOUR CALENDAR!

OUR PRICE: $7.00 (CHEAP)

… THE DR. HAL REPORT …
Vol. VIII No. 3 OF 9

It is not every question that deserves an answer.
PUBLILIUS SYRUS
[Circa 42 B.C.]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (Mar. 17th) - The award-winning (in the Bay Guardian) Ask Dr. Hal! Show continues with flair and panache as, in its next iteration, a breathtaking KrOB “edit” features an undersea encounter with a monstrous Ammonite, a prehistoric form of Nautiloid cephalopod. Just as in the days of the late, great Odeon Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adeptly finessed by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the arena of public attendance. Why mess with success?

FRANK CHU TO INAUGURATE SHOW WITH BENEDICTION
Before every show, by special arrangement, perennial protester/holy man Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the stage and deliver a rapid-fire, impassioned, incomprehensible bromide. Signed, sealed and delivered.

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE PROVIDES TRENCHANT COMMENTARY ON CONTEMPORARY TOPICS
The former San Francisco Mayoral candidate, having developed his powers of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious Tibet, shares his thoughts at the beginning of every show, putting the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love and
politics.

PETE GOLDIE – YOUR GUIDE to the STARRY REALM of the SKIES
Pete Goldie has his head in the clouds, even beyond them in the endless reaches of space –but his feet are planted firmly on the ground. In our show Pete deals with the science of celestial objects (such as stars, planets, comets, and galaxies) and phenomena that originate outside the Earth’s atmosphere (such as auroras and cosmic background radiation). Not an Astrologer, but an Astronomer (don’t let Chicken John pull your leg), he is an eager auditor of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology, and motion of these celestial objects, as well as the formation and development of the universe itself. As he might tell you, the word “astronomy” literally means “Law of the Stars” and is derived from the Greek astronomia, from the words astron, (”stars”) and nomos, (”law”). Did you know top N.A.S.A. scientists often attend our show (and/or listen to the live broadcast on Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9FM)? It’s true! Our show begins with an illustrated recap of the actual latest findings of planetary Astronomy. But Pete is, paradoxically, a down-to-earth kind of guy. He can tell you everything about the tiles on the Space Shuttle– and on your bathroom floor! He’s also a raconteur, artificer and craftsman, and a delver into mysteries of Natural Philosophy. The well-known bon vivant arranged for my name, and Chicken’s, to be shot into space aboard the Dawn Explorer on its mission to the Asteroid Belt! I think that says it all. As scientific and educational as all-get-out.

DR. HAL: ENTERTAINER, CHARLATAN or BOTH?
Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Come and see for yourself. Bardic
Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect.

KrOB DAZZLES with NEW TALE of TENTACLED TERROR!
KrOB on the JOB– KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, a 1,500-ft. long Octopus significantly damaged the familiar Ferry Building at the foot of Market Street, a little-known episode from San Francisco’s history. This week KrOB’ll feature a disquieting encounter with a prehistoric creature called an Ammonite. Originating from within the bactritoid nautiloids, the ammonoid cephalopods first appeared in the Late Silurian to early Devonian (circa 400 million years ago) becoming extinct at the end of the Secondary, the close of the Cretaceous Period (65 million years B.C.) along with the dinosaurs. Or did they? Because KrOB is showing what is clearly a living specimen, lashing out to attack divers with its coiling tentacles. When wounded (by a state-of-the-art underwater Electric Gun), the brute responds by shooting out a great cloud of ink, like a squid or octopus of today. This shows the absolutely novel nature of this featured creature, as all the Ammonoidea are thought not to be able to have done this.
The classification of ammonoids, shell-bearing cephalopods, is based in part on the elaborate ornamentation and structure of the septa comprising their shells’ gas chambers. By these and other characteristics we can divide subclass Ammonoidea into three orders and eight known suborders. While nearly all nautiloids show gently curving sutures, the ammonoid suture line (the intersection of the septum with the outer shell) was folded, forming saddles (or peaks) and lobes (or valleys). Cool! No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the inclusion of this proven popular attraction. Educational and scientific, the great KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on the GiantScreen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound to comprise a memorable multi-media experience.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at 12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

DAVID CAPURRO IS ONE WITH THE COMPUTER
In his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, our own dashing David Capurro has performed in multiple venues, from rinky-dink fly-by-night small time gigs (the Jim Rose Circus) to the Big Time (us, natch). “Cappy” livens our Show with a kind of visual yo-yo-ing: even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard– and, Abra-cadabra! A confirming (or at least congruent) image appears on the screen! (Usually, filthy.) And the seething crowd goes wild.

SOCIAL NOTES
12 Galaxies was surely the place to be last Monday nite when Ask Dr. Hal! wuz in session. Altho’ right before 9:00 PM, which we try to make our start time these dizzy days (there’s so-o much material to cover!) it looked as if hardly anybody thought it worthwhile to be there– only a few of doughty David Capurro’s fans, watching him do yo-yo trickz– once again we ended up holding that metaphorical curtain– by showtime, just like last time, we had a big house. This’s encouraging– in past runs attendance has slacked off (not in a good way), as people think, “as long as the run is on, we can always catch them next week. The result: light houses during the run, causing frowns from 12G head honcho Rhadamanthus Robert Levy, and a packed house for the 1st & last shows. Don’t want to jinx it, but could we have broken the curse? Could be, could be. Let’s see how well we do for this third time…
Among the attendees we noted dauntless Daniel Clark, jolly Jay, natty Nate Greenfarb, tough guy Ten (tin?) Can Farber, jocund Joe the Mailman, slinky Sarah, adorable Angela Knowles (insert wolf whistle here), ravishing Rhiannon Charisse of S.F.s own Dark Room Theater, sidesaddle Sean, engaging Erica, kingly (& kinky) Ken Norberg, & lolloping Lum the Mad. Journeyman Josh the Orange Box Man doffed his duds for a clown suit… We saw famous former SubGenius schismatic apostate jagged Janor Hypercleets, nacreously nubile Nieves with hubby dashing Dan, the Rock God of Sleepytime Gorilla Museum fame, & zestful Zoli, who also goes by (stage name) Yoni Wannaleiya in that dynamite musical sensaysh, The Wink n’ Yoni Show, again unforgivably without his bodacious ball & chain, ravishing Rosanna– but she’s still got seven more chances to catch the show… From far, far back in Dr. Hal’s past– his teenage years, if you can scope that, came krazy Kree Arvanitas, seeing our Show for the 1st time. Kree, who now hangs her many hats in Seattle, just happened to be sojourning at the Hostel right across the street from 12 G… Shadowy radio god princely Puzzling Evidence had a table near the front– so did peripatetic Paul Pot w/ constant Canine Companion jittery Jabba… this show’s going to the dawgs, I swear… ‘Course, there wuz no mistaking the One & Only boyish Bishop Joey of the 1st Church of the Last Laugh, Founder Emeritus of the (upcoming!) St. Stupid’s Day Parade in S.F. Bish, who also goes by the moniker of edified Ed Holmes, brought a guy along who’d never glimmed us before– kinetic Kaoru Watanabe from NYC, who’s also a p’forming member of KODO Taiko from Japan, in town to do his stuff at Rhythmix Thurs. nite in Alameda. Word is, he loved the show. Busy Bish also brought along a certain percolating Pons Marr, a Rhythmix resident who recently moved here from Ell Lay. Protean Pons may be a well-known performance artist to his fans, but I have to say, in this burg P.A.s are the proverbial Dime a Dozen, although again, Mr. Marr’s always been one of the best. Far more impressive to me are magisterial Marr’s credentials as an actor in Monster Movies, the absolute pinnacle of all Art & Human Endeavor. You may remember him from such pictures as The Golden Child (1986) which featured edgy Eddie Murphy (Pons played the evil Monkey Man in that pic’s monster rally), or cheeky Chuck Russel’s 1988 remake of 1958s The Blob. Remember that scene where the bulbous Blob bulges its way into a movie theater, and when the projectionist comes into the booth he looks up at the ceiling & sees the Blob, which drops right down on him and devours him? Of course you do. Well, paragon Pons played the projectionist! Anybody see 1985s Return to Oz, a major Disney release (& Academy Award nominee from that year)? We did, & we remember menacing Mr. Marr as one of the Wheelers, bizarre beings with bony wheels instead of hands & feet: personable Pons again. Well, we can’t let Social Notes get too long, or we’d go further into his fascinating filmography. He, too, loved the show, stayed after to tell us personally– which brings us to a strange thing– glad they liked it, but honestly, the show had its problems. The show, in fact had an Alcohol Problem. Chicken & KrOB got so pickled, so foxed, so pixilated, so (literally) falling down drunk that pure chaos emerged. KrOB beating Chicken with his hat– Chicken tipping over KrOB with an enormous crash, the latter landing on the stage in a perturbed pile-up of his equipment… How bad wuz it?? So bad that Chicken sent out a letter of apology to his entire list. That’s how bad. But we had to have been doing something right, though baffled Bob Dobbs alone knows what that might have been– It’s not for us to say. Let’s leave it to benignant Bishop Joey, who sent this note post-show: great show, Hal, rough n’ drunk as it was, I had many laffs…

ASK DR. HAL! GAGS! GROANS! GOOF-OFFS! GIRLS! GIGGLES! GRANDIOSE GRANDILOQUENCE! GET SOME! SEVEN SHOWS LEFT!

A D V E R T I S E M E N T

Alien Apocalypse 2006 Available for Purchase!
A special consignment of the Kathy Glass graphic novelette Dr. Hal and Spain Rodriguez produced several years ago, dealing with Monsters, Hippies abducted, yes, and diddled, yes, by Aliens, Flying Saucers, Monsters, Corporate Malfeasance, Prophecy, Monsters and Geo. W. Bush has become available for sale after the show. Signed and inscribed copies will be provided on request. Yes, I know, the events depicted & predicted didn’t occur in 2006 after all. However, the story may still be enjoyed as an alternative universe tale, like one where the South won the Civil War, or Hubert Humphrey was elected President or Chicken John was voted in as the Mayor of San Francisco…

Buy a Limited Edition Print of Dr. Hal Art!
Signed & Suitable for Framing!
From the book Dinosaur Alphabet. Contact Vicki Olds at Studio Reflex, S.F.
By telephone at (415) 221-2830. By e-mail at

volds@studioreflex.com

Via Snail Mail, write requesting a Limited Edition Print Order Form to:

Limited Edition Order Form
Studio Reflex, Inc., Attn. Vicki Olds
534 6th Avenue
City 94118. Do it today!

MONDAY, MARCH 10th, 2008!
ASK DR. HAL SHOWCASES OCTOPUS ATROCITY IN S.F.!
RUN CONTINUES AT 12 GALAXIES, 2565 MISSION ST. AT 22ND
With Dr. Hal, KrOB, Chicken, David Capurro, Pete Goldie, and Frank Chu
MONDAY NIGHT!
(We’re on EVERY MONDAY AT 9:00 PM during MARCH & APRIL1)
Our Price: $7.00 (cheap)

THE DR. HAL REPORT
Vol. VIII - No. 2 OF 9

This World is All a fleeting Show
For Man’s Illusion giv’n;
The Smiles of Joy, the Tears of Woe,
Deceitful Shine, deceitful Flow–
There’s nothing True but Heaven.
THOMAS MOORE
[1780-1852]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: San Francisco (Mar. 6th) - The award-winning
night club show (in the Bay Guardian) Ask Dr. Hal! will follow its smash
opening performance of last Monday with another sure-fire entry, featuring
an incredible, mind-breaking KrOB “edit” –S.F.’s beloved Ferry Building at
the foot of Market Street grasped and demolished by the titanic tentacles
of an enraged Monster Octopus. Just as in the days of the late, great Odeon
Bar, the tradition of Monster Attack sideshows continues, adeptly finessed
by the one and only KrOB. As in previous shows, every effort is being made
to preserve those elements which have so often proven themselves in the
arena of public attendance. ‘Nuff said.

FRANK CHU TO INAUGURATE SHOW WITH BENEDICTION
Before every show, by special arrangement, perennial protester/holy man
Frank Chu, protest sign grasped firmly in hand, the man after whose
opaque rantings the 12 Galaxies night club itself is named, will ascend the
stage and deliver a rapid-fire, impassioned, incomprehensible bromide. Or
else.

CHICKEN JOHN’S MONOLOGUE CONTINUES TOPICAL, REVELATORY
The former San Francisco Mayoral candidate, having developed his powers
of unscripted improvisation during far-flung junkets in Fiji and mysterious
Tibet, puts the crowd in a receptive mood with his musings on life, love and
politics.

PETE GOLDIE PROVIDES SMORGASBORD OF STARRY WISDOM
The Learn’d Astronomer “Doc” Goldie leads off each show with hard-core
astro-science, usually an illustrated recap of the actual latest findings of
planetary Astronomy. But you never know with Pete– he just might segue
into an impassioned argument for the release of a famous Political Prisoner.
As unpredictable as the mysteries of our Universe itself, Pete can tell you
everything about the tiles on the Space Shuttle– and even the ones on your
bathroom floor! As scientific and educational as all-get-out.

DR. HAL: MAGIC POWERS or JUST LUCKY?
Questions answered, concerns addressed– a personal Ministry. Bardic
Episodes remain an unavoidable side effect.

KrOB ON THE JOB– WE OGLE AN OMINOUS CEPHALOPOD RAMPAGE!
KrOB’s krazy kut-up kinema kompels kontentment! Last week, just as
advertised, a 1,000-ft. Serpent and his friends went on an unforgettable
rampage. This week he’ll feature documentary-style footage from a little-known
episode of San Francisco’s civic history– the time (in 1955) a 1,000-ft. plus
Octopus significantly damaged the familiar Ferry Building at the foot of Market
Street. You’ll see it stretch its rubbery, undulating arms down Market, mashing
mobs into mush. Then, Nat’nl Guard troops drive those tentacles back– with
flamethrowers! Cool! No, it just wouldn’t be the Ask Dr. Hal! show without the
inclusion of this proven popular attraction. Educational and scientific, the great
KrOB’s notorious “edits” will again add that certain je ne sais quoi which is one
of the hallmarks of superior entertainment exclusively featured by our show, on
the Giant Screen, in dynamic, full-fidelity KrOB Sound™ to comprise a
memorable multi-media experience.
And, really, at what other night club show could you behold such a thing? Just
make time to be there no later than Nine PM (Chicken insists) Monday night at
12 Galaxies, 2565 Mission St. near 22nd.

DAVID CAPURRO BENDS THE INTERNET TO HIS WILL
In his alternate identity as Yo-Yo Pro, our own dashing David Capurro has
performed in multiple venues, from the small-time (the Jim Rose Circus) to the
Big Time (us, natch). “Cappy” livens our Show with a kind of visual yo-yo-ing:
even as Dr. Hal is speaking, David’s dexterous digits flash across his keyboard–
and, Alakazam! A confirming (or at least congruent) image appears on the screen!
(Usually, filthy.) And the seething crowd goes wild.
ALL BACK BY POPULAR DEMAND!!
FERNET GIVEAWAYS!
CELEBRATED SCIENCE SYMPOSIUM:
Avant -garde ASTRONOMY
Dazzling DEMONOLOGY
Erudite ETYMOLOGY
Encyclopaedic ENTOMOLOGY
Perplexing PALEONTOLOGY
Pedantic POETIC RECITATION
Menacing MONSTER ATTACK FOOTAGE
ALL Broadcast WEDNESDAY NIGHTS 10 PM - MIDNIGHT
on Pirate Cat Radio, 87.9FM

SOCIAL NOTES
Ask Dr. Hal! had to start up last Monday without the benison of the Benediction
by frantic Frank Chu, who wuz unaccountably AWOL. Don’t let it happen again,
Frank– a word to the wise– your contract can be re-negotiated. A little bird told
me… Chicken’s monologue, about the realities of being “Green,” sounded a bit
like his stump speeches back on the campaign trail. Maybe if that trail hadn’t
had so many stumps set athwart it… Seriously, folks, politics, or some kind of
civics, are always with us… This was also shown when next, big Pete Goldie
shouldered his way to the stage. At first, with peekaboo shotz of avalanches on
Mars, his spiel ran in its usual way, but then “Doc” Goldie veered unexpectedly
away from Pure Science to plead the case of one poor politikal prisoner, a.k.a.
one Paul Addis. His demonstration had props, too. Watch this space 4 future
detailz… At first I thought the opening of ADH was going to be a frost (un-
seasonal)– at 9 Pee Em we only had abt. 15 attendees. But pretty soon we
filled the house all the way out to the street– a large, cosmopolitan crowd.
Yr. Humble Narrator was sick, sick sick– that ??@#%$&?! “flu” that’s been
“going round.” But not too sick to notice, while I forged ahead and did the show,
that the outpatients were out in force… Wotta great group. Last Gasp’s regal
Ron Turner handed me a notice about Underground Comics legendary guru Gary
Arlington’s new art show, which runs thru March 31st at Muddy’s– Muddy Waters
Cafe, that is. Which one? The one at 1304 Valencia– V. & 24th. Opened Friday…
I glimmed luscious Lynn Rubenzer, who’s also no slouch in the art dept. Her
show, a window installation, also opened Friday– and runs 2 months– thru May.
I have to like anybody’s work who paints pterodactyls, and you shd. check the
showing out @ 826 Valencia. There was no mistaking kute Katy Bell, who I saw
at the bar with the one and only divine Dixie De La Tour. The La Tour brought
along, visiting from Japan, her baby brother John. Wonder how he liked the show?
And she proved to be a ministering angel, giving me a firkin of Matzoh Ball Soup
for my ailment… I can testify it did me a world of good. A thousand thanks…
Torrid Ty McKenzie was a welcome sight, as was juniper-fresh Janay Growden…
Geoffrey Smart, an old fellow traveler, former Bosun of the late lamented Galleon
La Contessa, gave us moral support… Zemindar Zoli was there too, hailing from
his spread in Glenfield Glen. Squire Zoli, who also goes by (stage name) Yoni
Wannaleiya in that dynamite musical sensaysh, The Wink n’ Yoni Show, was
without his better half, ravishing Rosanna– but she’s got eight more chances to
catch the show. Zoli’s sister Monica Lundy, who’s exhibited her paintings at the
bon ton Chez Poulet Gallery, now has a new show @ Good Vibrations Polk St.
Gallery, which is at 1620 Polk (@ Sact’o). The opening reception wing ding’s
this upcoming Thurs., March 13th around 6 PM-ish. Her show runs thru April
7th… Jolly John F. bought one of my Alien Apocalypse books after the show…
Righteous Robert Levy served up the libations, while tech experts two-gun Tyler
& gone gosling Gabe rode herd on the mind-breaking Special Effects… Man-
about-town Moses was there when the lites went out– & on again… SubGenius
apostate Janor Hypercleats took a table forward with pard Puzzling Evidence,
who wuz very much in evidence… Didn’t see her, but adventurous Adelaide wuz
around somewhere. Her protegé, pedantic Prof. Nemo, came on stage, tangled
with pertinacious Pete Goldie’s space shuttle, and was given the royal Fernet +
Whip-it treatment. Made it off the stage, too… Commander Carl Heiney, jocund
Josh the Orange Box Man, marmoreal Mable Syrup, ruthless Robert Buttz, big
Blue 7, and rascally Reverend Chip all helped swell the crowd… We were graced
with the whole Ximm family, aquiline Aaaron Ximm, beauteous Bronwyn Ximm, &
little Ember Rowan Kestrel Jetson Barcelona Owlsley Ximm, a.k.a. The Ximmlet.
Never too early to start coming to Ask Dr. Hal! Is it? Hmmm…