Chicken is gone, but not ASK Dr. HAL!
(In a way…)
ANNOUNCING:
WHILE CHICKEN’S GONE, THERE’S A DIFFERENT, CONTINUING
DR. HAL SHOW…
“Ask Dr. Hal! 2.0: Conversations with Dr. Hal”
WEDNESDAY, April 29th!
ALL-NEW VENUE
…AT THE BLUESIX ACOUSTIC ROOM
3043 24th Street
24th Street at Treat
A F T E R   N I N E
Admission $10.00 or what you can… no one turned away… full bar
The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. X                                                                  No. 1
“While the cat’s away, the mice will play.”

                                                    — Ancient Proverb

WE ARE STILL AROUND…
JUST NOT AT THE CHEZ POULET  GALLERY-CABARET
WITH A ROTATING SERIES OF HOSTS!
THIS WEEK’S SPECIAL ‘GUEST CHICKEN’
–-ROBIN COOMER!
Yes, that Robin Coomer!
THIS WEEK:
RADIO REJUVENATION  – DEATH & REGENERATION: ADH 2.0 – SMALLER, MORE INTIMATE NEW SHOWS, NEW “CHICKENS” (THOUGH NOT THE REAL ONE) – ROBIN
COOMER RULES – WHEN CHASMOSAURS ATTACK IS KrOB’S KLASSIC KLIP – TORTOISE WINS BY A HARE – THE ADVENTURES OF CHICKEN JOHN – YOU AND
FRANK CHU – PETE GOLDIE’S ASTRO-FACTS: THE GIANT SPACE BLOB – DRINK YOURSELF COMATOSE – SOCIAL NOTES  – RESIST THE EVIL PROGRAMMING OF
JEJUNEIST CULT: HEAR COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE’S BROADCAST 24-7
IN UPPER DOLORES PARK – YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE; PUZZO’S NUDEST CLIPS WILL MAKE YOU SEE STARS (& GARTERS); NEW VIEWS OF OLD SHOWS…

“ASK DR. HAL 2.0– CONVERSATIONS WITH DR. HAL!”
This is a message for all friends of Ask Dr. Hal! The shows at Chicken’s place on Cesar Chavez
are suspended for the time being while he’s away. And for that time– five to eight weeks– there will
still be a version of the show going on each Wednesday night
until his return. Not the same show you’ve been seeing at Chez Poulet, but with certain similarities, as well as differences. Yes,
though Chicken won’t be on hand, this new, interim show will be moderated by rotating guest hosts– “Mock Chickens,” if you will. We also intend to broadcast the show live on the newest Pirate radio station, FCC Free Radio. This station is just starting up– we expect to be on the air by our second or third performance. Check out http://FCCFREERADIO.com
And still more is in the works. The first of these is Wednesday (of course) April 29th, around our regular start-time. And we hope, friends of Ask Dr. Hal!, that we will bring many of our current
audience members to our projected new venue:

The Bluesix Acoustic Room, 3043 24th St. in
the Mission (at Treat), not far from the abandoned, tightly-shuttered Chez Poulet. It’s easy to find,
just a few blocks east of the 24th St. BART station (East Bay Ask Dr. Hal! fans take note).

with…
YOUR HOST– ROBIN COOMER!
We don’t have Chicken to kick around any more, to paraphrase the late Richard Nixon. Of course,
like old “Tricky Dick,” Chicken will be back before you know it– you can’t keep a good man down.
But in his absence, this version of the show will be hosted by a series of Guest Hosts– and first and foremost among these will be the breathtakingly beautiful and talented Robin Coomer– a long-time friend of our show who will now ask the questions and ride herd on the answers. But how did we get Robin to do this? Let’s just say– we lucked out.

WHEN CHASMOSAURS ATTACK!
Among the features of our previous show we are continuing will be the much talked-about KrOB Monster Klip. For our April 29th show, look for a KrOB Klassic, When Chasmosaurs Attack!
A parable of evolution and legendary history highlighted by exquisite stop-motion animation by the late David Allen under the direction of Jim Danforth. A cinematic gem with the “KrOB Touch.”
Seen at the “I Hate Cartoons”Cartoon Festival in 2004 and in the Odeon Bar. Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But first, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON!
Every episode of Ask Dr. Hal! begins with the showing of a carefully selected, iconic American animated cartoon. For our première at Bluesix, we’re showing another great Warner Bros. short
by our all-time favorite director, Bob Clampett. It’s Tortoise Wins by a Hare (1943), featuring Bugs Bunny– but probably not the Bugs that you know– or think you know. It’s a variation on Aesop’s story of The Tortoise and the Hare. Following Disney’s lead, a number of cartoons were made on the subject by the various studios. But, as usual, Warners (and Clampett) get in the last word. Bugs, as seen here, is irritable, choleric and unethical, to say the least. He’s certainly not Chuck Jones’s  unflappable, somewhat gay Bugs. He snarls, spits out carrot chunks, winks and leers at the audience. As his face distorts during his tantrums, you can see all his back teeth, not just the incisors. The ingenious plot brings in the Rabbit Mafia, who attempt to “fix” the race. The cartoon becomes a
devastating satire on American (Wartime) attitudes… And yes, this is, once again, one of those wild cartoons of yore which have had trouble running up against the censors over the years. It concludes with
Clampett’s oft-used “suicide gag,” where a number of the criminal rabbit characters blow their brains out at the conclusion, after realizing that they’ve been trying to sabotage Bugs throughout the cartoon, a bit that’s been cut from many TV prints, including versions shown on the Turner Channel’s Cartoon Network, TBS, and TNT. This whole idea, that children need “protection” from these cartoons, or any other work of art, is so wrong-headed, and oozes (originally) from the odious Reagan years and the
unexamined assumption that “cartoons are for kids.” But don’t believe it, Jack— cartoons are for all humanity, dig? The great cartoon makers never lost sight of this. Fear not– we guarantee, as always,
that no censorship will be in evidence at the Bluesix Acoustic Room– we’re taking pains to give you, as almost never seen these days, the whole thing, complete and uncut. So join us this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s history and once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture.
Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

THE ADVENTURES OF CHICKEN JOHN!
As readers of this space know, ADH founder Chicken John Rinaldi is heading off to Europe to oversee a sort of preposterous regatta of “Art Boats.” The whole freakin’ flotilla will wind through the Continent’s historic waterways, ending at Venice just in time to crash the fabled Biennale di Venezia. As we hear reports of his progress, read every installment here– follow intrepid Chicken by proxy through Ruritania, Graustark, Syldavia, Borduria, Grand Fenwick and Freedonia. A Dr. Hal Report exclusive!

WHO’S THROUGH WITH FRANK CHU?
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! In fact, he never left! Whatever happens, as sure as the Lord made little green apples, the Emperor Norton of our own time, who regularly appears at
our show to deliver his Message, will be there! Most of the time, anyway. And the tangled tale of Frank Chu, told in these pages (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 & 16), may come to include additional chapters. Like the original Norton, Frank is shown certain deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. We will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal!
See him right now, if you want to, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on the link you’ll find down there in the Monstrous Column of URLs at the bottom of The Dr. Hal Report.

PETE GOLDIE’S SPACE INTERFACE!
Hey, kids! Ask Resident Astronomer Pete Goldie about the giant, unthinkably huge Space Blob recently spotted in the endless reaches of the starry realm! The enormous “what-is-it?” which dates
from when the universe was relatively young has got astronomers puzzled. Remember, because of the fixed speed of light in our cosmos, when we view its remotest objects we’re looking literally back in time. And, as observers peered back to when the universe was only 800 million years old, they found something that was out of proportion and out of time! It was gaseous, big, and emitted a certain type of radiation, but scientists don’t even know what to call it. So they just labeled it a radiation-emitting “blob.” Their peer-reviewed study will be published in next month’s edition of the Astrophysical
Journal. But what’s most remarkable about this blob is its size: It’s 55,000 light-years long! That’s comparable to the radius of the disk-shaped Milky Way, our own galaxy! According to many theories of the universe, nothing was supposed to be that big at that time. Fortunately, ADH fans won’t need to wait for that issue of the Journal; Pete will be right on hand to fill us all in.

A FULL BAR– YOU CAN DRINK!
This is the announcement a lot of you have been waiting for. Our host and barkeep, Bluesix’s amiable Joe the Bartender, Master Mixologist, will pour you any drink your little alcohol-sodden heart
craves. Of course, good questions will still be ree-warded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, –the “Miracle Liquor.”

SOCIAL NOTES

After so much of the usual jiggery-pokery by conniving Chicken about which show actually was our last,
a certain cynicism about these announcements was only proper. Was it a gag– would there really be “one
more” Ask Dr. Hal! Show? But no, that was really it… Still, folks who like us at the old Jean Poulet Gallery-
Cabaret have only to wait about a month and a half; rover Rinaldi will return around then & we’ll take up
where we left off… But now we have a chance to try an experimental version of ADH at a new site, which we
hope will be just as much fun in its own way… Our last iteration of the Old Show did go out in a blaze of glory,
though– we packed the house & had ’em sitting in the aisles… Eventually there’ll be a Puzzling Evidence
Video on You Tube for everybody who couldn’t make it that nite… In attendance were techno-whiz Trade Mark
Gunderson of the Evolution Control Committee avec posse (we’ve oft had the pleasure of doing radio with him
at Burning Man, as we did indeed last year), beauty Brooke Buchanan, sturdy Scott Klemmer, nonpareil Noah
Balmer, big Bob, juniper-fresh Jessie, & cuddly Cowbell… Stalwart Stu was there, ditto torrid Tarin Towers;
there was also no mistaking kurvaceous Kate Willett, whom we’re always glad to see… Ditto that for ravishing
Robin Coomer, the supremely talented chanteuse who’s giving our first Bluesix show a timely assist, malapert
Mable Syrup, enchanting Eileen Hassi, regina of Ritual Roasters, & delectable Dawn Stott… Dashing D.S.
Black, representing the beleaguered Art of Letters, lovely Lera Boroditsky representing the scientific community
& stand-up guy Sean Kelly standing in for the free-form Theater Arts covered between them the very best of the
institutions which support human civilization, which is good because we can’t do it alone… Then there was
amazing Amacker Bullwinkle, who just had a birthday, & resplendent Rhiannon Charisse, bright lite of the
Dark Room… Princely Paul de Jong & peripatetic Paul Pot were their irrepressible selves, but no one got hurt…
Computer-wiz Cappy’s pal & roomie kingly Ken was seen again in the krowd… The part of the human-sized
chicken, so essential to “Prof” Pete Goldie’s running gags, this time was essayed by heroic Hemptress, spirited
Sonjia Miles, p’rhaps the last time for awhile the feathered foil will stalk the show’s stage until the return of the
chief Chicken from overseas…One face from the past was the oblique Oops (yes, his real name) who hasn’t been
seen since the old-timey Odeon daze but was up to his old trix, marking up the money so much that the robots at
the bank wouldn’t recognize it when we attempted a nite deposit– better than when he useta tear up the bills into
small pieces, causing us to spend many an eve seated at the kitchen table fastening ’em back together with Scotch
tape… All in all, a great crowd for our grand finale at Chez Poulet… Now let’s see how this thing goes at Bluesix.
It’s a lot closer to B.A.R.T. via the 24th St. Station, so East Bay-ers won’t get stranded– we fear a few might have
been left high & dry, since the show, excessive in so many respects, also exceeded the time limit… That won’t
happen again, tho… Hope to see as many of you as can make it to the new place for our home base…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your
computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click, on these handy URLs. Remember, if it won’t play, try watching in High Quality…

St. Stupid’s Day night and this was Ask Dr. Hal! (April 1st) The first part, with more soon to follow
(keep checking here!) from Puzz-Ev:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wp8cxpz4bv0&feature=channel_page

NOT FROM ASK DR. HAL! –But you will certainly want to see the PUZZ-EV VIDEO RECORD of the
recent STARS & GARTERS Show at Amnesia March 29th, which did feature the talents of KrOB & Dr.
Hal! First, SEE Big Ben Burke sing with shapely Jessy Roadkill, host Leon Redbone, Unicorn and the
Bartender who hammered a sharpened butter knife up his nose… (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpcteA1fHBE&feature=channel_page

The William Tell Routine is featured, at the end of which, gorgeous Jessy Face is stripped before all
via stage magic, leaving her adorned only in her blushes– and a few insignificant decorations. You
may want to watch this one more than once, Gentlemen– we find it endlessly refreshing. Burke’s Ode
to a Brass Bikini, Feats of Strength, Lovely Linda Robertson, Roadkill & Mack are also back for more
sexy clowning… what’s not to like? (Pt. 1.1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjSnRn_jDME&feature=channel_page

Then, Ravishing Roadkill & Curvaceous Claire Mack practice more All-Woman Feats of Stength! And
then they rock out! Oh… my… God… YEAH! Too bad if you missed that STARS & GARTERS Show
(Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D61tXANj8EI&feature=related

Dr. Hal plays the Cabin Boy on the Hindenburg as KrOB provides the Sound while the STARS &
GARTERS beauties, Jessy, Jessy & Claire present their puppet-&-people Play (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1TNj71D2ZR4&feature=related

It just gets better at the STARS & GARTERS Show when Lewd Lingerie-clad Lesbian Antics at the
Beauty Parlor take over the stage. PUZZ-EV also throws in a Special Effects shot, where, thru the
Magick of Backwards Filming, Jessy Face’s clothes actually go back on… What’ll they think of
next? (Pt. 4):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieU1H6SDao8&feature=related

All right, resume normal breathing and watch these Ask Dr. Hal! Show clips…

Pete Goldie documents a recent Asteroid Strike as March 25th’s show gets into gear (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XhF3ov6jBDs&feature=channel_page

More from Blake’s Milton starts off the Dr. Hal portion March 25th (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cOUl9qvDU6E&feature=channel_page

Then Dr. Hal smokes dope on stage, as urged, and the March 25th show worries Chicken
as it  becomes “psychedelic” (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qveNWHy0OXk&feature=channel_page

Chicken demands that Dr. Hal answer 3 questions at once– in ex tempore verse! What
happened? It was March 25th (Pt. 4):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDb7TiBbMW0&feature=channel_page

Pete Goldie blazes like a supernova as he opens on March 18th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAOtGMsFICs&feature=channel_page

Frank Chu & Laser-equipped Unicorns occupy Dr. Hal after his entrance as the questions
start on March 18th (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8xSaZqyDcU&feature=channel_page

Chicken is busted for Twittering during the show & we land on the Moon once more on March
18th (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6csEpKCZUIc&feature=channel_page

Underdog (cartoon character) occupies us, along with bickering hillbillies on March 18th (Pt. 4):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3JNrtLjYXWw&feature=channel_page

Pete Goldie blazes a trail as the show begins, detailing the Kepler Mission on March 11th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d9MjZtg_Sco&feature=channel_page

More of Blake’s Milton and a visit from Frank Chu swings the Show into magnum motion
March 11th (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QI3QAKLb13I&feature=channel_page

Now, dream about hornet stings, how to get laid, SubGenius pedigrees, Spy’s KroB moment,
personal food waste size, Frank Chu’s terms and whether or not the 8-Ball knows anything, from
March 11th (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B8pAKioBL14&feature=channel

For the last of the courtly poets, some Shelley, a one-armed Viking problem and yet more poetry
finish our excerpt from March 11th (Pt. 4):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZWdsavr1qc&feature=channel

Pete Goldie Peers at Comet 134340; Chicken’s recommendations on Baby & Child Care
start things March 4th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L34P6ZtkMQU&feature=channel_page

Satan’s panties & Superman’s orgasm are highlighted after more of Blake’s Milton March 4th (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RMi-2s6iKPk&feature=channel_page

Making the best of a bad assignment, Dr. Hal improvises poetically on Politics & Economics
March 4th (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ifNGkwlkfM&feature=channel_page

Micturation apprehended is seen as a question, as is the Nature of the Conspiracy March 4th (Pt. 4):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gfbqh2j4pPA&feature=channel_page

The show launches with Chicken’s Monologue and Pete Goldie’s paideutic presentation; we
examine the surface of the planet Mars and look at active Neutron Stars February 25th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqnnBW8CH1E&feature=related

Midget cover bands, Hillbilly interference, and Frank Chu all contribute on February 25th (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua0rpp16PPY&feature=email

SubGenius propaganda leads the ADH onslaught on February 25th (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVXXSfHV8xc&feature=related

The Skeleton in Armor closes the show with the saga of a Viking’s life and death on February
25th (Pt. 4):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9hdIKnAgtE&feature=related

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The
first part:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAxJj1PhMgE&feature=related

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal’s Wm. Blake recitation on
February 18th in (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuEZoR8AaHw&feature=email

More of February 18th’s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the
dread KrOB Moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M43OesL3lsk&feature=related

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail and welcomes Pete Goldie in the firstof two parts from ADH on February 11th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl4jZ7OZBFU&feature=channel_page

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly
(Pt. 2), more:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D24ZWSxMMg&feature=channel_page

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th’s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7rC4Vv5N6w&feature=channel

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2doUT-QvQI&feature=channel

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th’s farandole (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJHi3p97J18&feature=channel_page

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IloOn7o1F0&feature=channel

Peruse the second part of January 28th’s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02c1-y1RV_M&feature=email

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th’s performance sensation (Pt. 3):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI1vYal4Z_0&feature=related

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZGpuy-4Il0&feature=channel

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYkU7VLEQKE&feature=related

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJbgPrD_Jfc&feature=related

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYhqbSmn30M&feature=related

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2uUR1GJgQI&feature=channel_page

The second half of PUZZ-EV’s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EITPiw4XPw8&feature=channel_page

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJO2i73RR-Y&feature=channel

Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th
(Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJeYyZ7jG9k&feature=channel

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRIJURy6mpg&feature=channel

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SO-KGmQgvI&feature=channel

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that
doesn’t work, just cut and paste it into your browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_QToZF1LrA

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling
Evidence. SEE Chicken unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield
even than usual in his meandering “answers” to several questions. Just go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NVLPHyiExc
See selected clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those !!?@#$%?!! cuss-words.
Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs

For those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow in the mire of partisan
politics from last year’s endless-seeming Presidential election, check out this
ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the late ADH Pirate
Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance
of special guests Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint.
Yowza! Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email

See you at the Bluesix Acoustic Room– Wednesday Night!

THIS WEEK:

               
ASK DR. HAL! SHOW  CANCELLED THIS WED.                        NO PERFORMANCE APRIL 15th  

NEXT AND LAST SHOW WILL BE APRIL 22nd                                       
The 23rd and final Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the current run has been cancelled by Chicken John. The show will return one last time on Wednesday, April 22nd, before Chicken’s departure for Slovenia. The recent announcement with “ASK DR. HAL’s 23-Skiddoo!” in the header should be considered no longer valid, though everything advertised as being part of our April 15th’s performance will still be presented on the 22nd. We will re-announce the show prior to that date. For now, we have suspended the event as we observe the passing of our friend Tom Kennedy, and hope that next week you’ll come to our farewell show at Chez Poulet. After five weeks, when Chicken returns, we expect to resume the run on Cesar Chavez Street.
               

Our very last show, according to Chicken John, will take place on Wednesday, April 15th…

RUN EXTENDED! OUR FINAL, FAREWELL PERFORMANCE!
Ask Dr. Hal’s 23rd Psalm!
— WILL YOU MISS THE CLIMAX OF A LEGENDARY SERIES? —

==PRESENTED ON OUR ENDURING STAGE==
(BUILT TO WITHSTAND A NUCLEAR WAR!)
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME— more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( CHEAP! NO ONE TURNED AWAY! A BARGAIN!)

                            3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

                    The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 23

“Thou wilt find rest from vain fancies if thou doest every act in life
as though it were thy last.”

                        — Emperor Marcus Aurelius Antoninus

WE ARE LEAVING…

THIS WEEK:
END STILL HOVERS NEAR, SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE – COUNTED DOWN TO
DOOM BUT STILL AROUND – RADIO REJUVENATION – GRASPED AT STRAWS, STRAWS BROKE –
MONSTER CLIP: QUETZALCOATLUS – FALLING HARE – THE LAST BLASTED ASK DR. HAL! SHOW –
HILLBILLY HADES – FRANK CHU MAKES DO –

CAPPY’S RAISON D’ÊTRE – PETE GOLDIE’S
STARRY WISDOM: THE STAR HOUNDS – HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS –
SOCIAL NOTES – SLICK CHICK IN A CHICKEN AT CHICKEN’S – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE
PERSISTS – WORTHY OF NOTE – HELP FOR HOLLIS – LOOP! STATION WILL STAGE LOOP! COUP
FRIDAY, APRIL 17th AT YOSHI’S IN SANFRAN TOWN – DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS TO PLAY AT AMNESIA APRIL 19th – – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS, NO, NOT MONDAY,
NOT TUESDAY, BUT FRIDAY, APRIL 24th – MAYBE THIS ONE WILL BE REALLY REAL: DON’T MISS
THE LAST SHOW IN THE CURRENT KrOB BUS RIDE SERIES: SCREENED WILL BE IT’S A MAD, MAD,
MAD, MAD WORLD— WITH EYENOISE, FUN, GAGS & SURPRISES – VISIT OLD PLANES FOR OLD
TIME’S SAKE – – RESIST THE EVIL PROGRAMMING OF JEJUNEIST CULT: HEAR COMMANDER 14
OF NONCHALANCE‘S BROADCAST 24-7 IN UPPER DOLORES PARK – YOKED EVEN MORE WITH
YOU TUBE – PUZZO‘S NUDEST CLIPS WILL MAKE YOU SEE STARS (& GARTERS)…

THE Ides of April are come. Aye, but not gone. And thus it comes to pass.
Chicken has seen fit to end our run of Ask Dr. Hal! We thought there were either two more or three more
of these things. Our guess was two more. But Chicken keeps changing the dates around. He swears this
next show is it– period. (See below). And, yes, he still plans to fly off after that to bring his brand of
Showmanship to the Old World– we don’t know for how long; the official word remains for ” 5 to 8 weeks.”
As readers of this space know, he’s going to be leaving all of us behind in San Francisco as he goes off to
Europe some time around the end of April.
With his giant fund-raising installation, Lost Vegas (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 22), he has now
raised enough capital to rescue his European friends from bankruptcy. Now he can visit them and mess
around installing ponderous internal combustion engines from massive American cars in flimsy Euro-“Art
Boats” over there in Slovenia, before he drifts down the weary, winding waterways of the Continent into the
sewage-strewn, reeking canals of Venice. That’s Venice, Italy– those Slovenians apparently need an infusion
of Detroit Iron in their flimsy, arty watercraft–
And, since he long ago decreed that the Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the present day must take place in his house,
the restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he’s away and unable to prevent them
from invading, tromping cattle-like into the various chambers including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum,
stealing his shirt-studs and collar stays, the sterling silverware, the case of bowling trophies, his collections
of Fabergé eggs,  dueling pistols, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers
(he hates that), leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper and his secret cupboard of erotic pottery, un-sticking
his stamp collection, breaking his extensive O-scale model railroad layout, making off with his cabinet of
simply adorable vintage Hummel figurines– and “borrowing” (more or less permanently) his beloved arsenal
of power tools. So, that’s it; we’re out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce, we strongly, strongly do
urge you not to let go by your final opportunity remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder,
laughter and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, the ne plus ultra we like to call the Ask Dr. Hal!
Show.

BUT… WE’LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
No– we won’t. Like numerous others, we’ve had our differences with the management and have in consequence
been cashiered. But, you know, there just may be…

FAINT GLIMMERS OF… HOPE!
Really? Hope? Well, keep watching this space for word of a continuing show Dr. Hal may get to do, if the Gods
are willing, without Chicken and in an entirely different but nearby (in the Mission) space! Fairly soon we’ll be
trying an experiment for those weeks when Chicken’s out of the U.S. –a different, more intimate version of the  show you know. Mum’s the word right now– difficult, Byzantine negotiations are still going forward with a
leading Gallery-Performance Space on scenic 24th St.  We are also planning to broadcast these shows live on
the new FCC Free Radio, S.F.’s latest Pirate radio station. Check out http://FCCFREERADIO.com And still more
is in the works. We’ll announce the changeover when it happens, and hope that we will bring many of our current
audience members to our projected new venue. Meanwhile, these are our last remaining hours at Chez Poulet,
and we’re more determined than ever to make history in our own way as we conclude there. This last show will be
historic. We’ll be in the zone, at the peak of our form. If you haven’t been coming, now is the time to catch us
at our zenith. Even is these closing days, we’re still refining Ask Dr. Hal! as we go– the word is that our last
three performances have been our very best so far– we’re going to try to go out with the proverbial bang, a real
Shuffle-off-to-Buffalo ending. Kreative KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises in his cinema
cauldron, adding a little of this and that to the bubbling brew. This week, for example, the mandatory obligatory
traditional Monster Clip, last week dealing with “Pursuit from Under” in the form of a raging, bulbous, ill-tempered
colossal octopus, now will, in the classic spirit of these interludes, feature pursuit from above, when

KrOB, San Francisco, presents:
THE FLYING WHATCHAMACALLIT!
Yes, KrOB’s done it again. If you liked the octopus, rising up from the depths to wreak havoc, you’ll love this flapping,
fluttering, scientifically unclassifiable behemoth that swoops down from the skies of Manhattan to seize and devour its
hapless prey. Very difficult to say what this dragon-like, serpentine terror may be. The wing structure is completely
novel biologically. It comes down at you out of the sun, making it hard to see and avoid. Big, beaky bastard. And, actually,
some say it’s a kind of god– a god that seeks out its own sacrifices. The Aztec feathered serpent-god Quetzalcoatl. Why
it’s in New York isn’t immediately clear. Something about its return in the End Times. And– nothing can stop it– except a
million cops blasting it with bullets. Yet another in a super-series of unforgettable KrOB “Edits.” Scientific! Educational!
View it all on our Giant Screen (since Chicken seems to have retired or sold our “size-challenged” screen). And ’twill be
narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But first, before that…
WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON!
Every episode of Ask Dr. Hal! begins with the showing of a carefully selected, iconic American animated cartoon. KrOB
shows only the best. Last week’s entry was Field & Scream (1955), one of the lesser cartoons (but still dryly funny) by Tex
Avery. We had to show it, because for technical reasons, at the last minute we couldn’t screen the one we advertised,
MGM’s Bad Luck Blackie (1949). And we’re still hoping we can retrieve that one before we quit at Chez Poulet. But now get
ready for another Bob Clampett short from Warner Bros., the “Social Realism” studio. It’s Falling Hare (1943). Made in the
middle of World War II, it’s full of specific topical references that audiences of that time immediately understood. Gags
about gas rationing stickers, for example. Today, few understand them. But because this is a Clampett cartoon, these jokes
are somehow still funny! But that’s not all that distinguishes Falling Hare. Bugs Bunny is a character who always succeeds
in these cartoons– except this time, where he’s given an equally powerful (supernatural) antagonist who tortures him all the
way through the picture. The other point of interest? Gremlins. A while ago (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 4) we
showed Clampett’s Russian Rhapsody, the other WB Gremlin cartoon– there are only two of these cartoons– wherein the little
guys bust up Hitler’s private plane. As early as the 1920’s, pilots reported encounters with weird little “aerial creatures” who
sabotaged planes in flight. Then, during the War, author Roald Dahl, who as a pilot had himself crashed in the Libyan Desert,
wrote of it in his books about his experiences in the Air War, which are as wonderful as anything he ever wrote. In January,
1942, he was transferred to Washington, D.C. as Assistant Air Attaché. There he eventually authored his novel The Gremlins.
The Walt Disney Studio became interested at this point and planned a cartoon series. At Warners, hearing of this, the Studio
rushed ahead to beat Disney –and Clampett made his two Gremlin cartoons. As it happened, Disney never did follow through.
So only Warners ended up dramatizing the Gremlins and their attacks on aircraft. Until The Twilight Zone, that is, when
William Shatner memorably freaked out at the “Gremlin on the wing” only he could see. Anyway, many, many pilots
absolutely swore they had seen the creatures. Read the Wikipedia article. But the official verdict on the “Little Imps of the Air”
is that the stress of combat, the dizzying heights and oxygen deprivation caused pilot hallucinations, often believed to be a
coping mechanism of the mind to help explain the many problems aircraft faced in combat. Right– that’s the official story. Sure,
stress caused hallucinations. Sure. Uh-huh. If only we had more room… but we like to keep these things short & snappy. Now
that you know the basics (though there’s much more to be said on this topic) we invite you to enjoy this cartoon, and the version
we’re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us for one of the last times at the good old Chez Poulet
Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-
flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture. By the bye– you must
know by now that we’re working hard digging up these cartoons, arguing about them, laboring to show you something
wonderful here. So if you’re just going to keep yakkety-yakking and choose to ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and
everyone else a favor– and go outside and have a cigarette, or play in traffic.
Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

“[T]he aircraft is kind of a mix of the DC-3/C-47 and the B-18, which was the “bomber” version of the DC-2.”

–Teenonator, Internet Archive

“The aircraft is a Gooney Bird, which was the military version of the DC3. It was also known as the R4D (Navy), C-47 (Army),
Dakota (British commonwealth) and Skytrain (official but seldom used). There were almost 10,000 of them made during WW2
and it flew in more air forces of the world than any other aircraft since and is still flying in some. I am uncertain at which base
the research was done. It was near Hollywood and it happened sometime between the 12th of May, 1942 and June,1943. The
white star in blue circle was adopted the 12th of May 1942 and changed in June 1943, but the tail flash (red and white tail
stripes) were eliminated on the 26th of May, 1942. There were at least two visits to the military base since the opening scenes
show a Gooney Bird tail without the tail stripes, but they are present in other scenes.”
–The Old Sarge, Internet Archive

“This one starts out a little slow… but once Bugs and the Gremlin get airborne the laughs come one right after another. I did
get a creepy 9/11 flashback when the plane was heading for the skyscrapers.”
–Bob Capps, Internet Archive

THE ABSOLUTELY LAST !!@#$%&?? ASK DR. HAL! SHOW. EVER!
So saith Chicken John about this our next entry. And when you talk to him he sure sounds convinced. We’re typing this at 7 PM on
Sunday– we needed to get some information, so we called and found he was still at Cellspace, still cleaning up the unthinkably
enormous mess generated at Lost Vegas (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 22 and previous issues). In the mood he was in he
insisted that he’d do no more shows after the 15th, close up shop and head for Slovenia. So this really could be “it.” Don’t say
we didn’t warn you…

HEY, WE GOT…
KNOCKED-UP HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, tawdry, tatty, run-down, beat-up, half-pint, washed-up, low-class, two-bit trailer suspended high
above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic, inbred Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom
Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent –and unspecified “services” –for their minimal share of his
echoing, cavernous domain. It’s furtively whispered that they pay not in money but in a certain product produced in
their clandestine “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too absurdly small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space.  At any rate, no one in fact has yet been able
to discern just how  many there are of these freaks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing
show, audience laughter, etc. –will rouse them out of their stereotypical lair like a seething, frenzied swarm of Appalachian
ants, apple-knocker alfalfa caterpillars, backwoods bees, clodhopper centipedes, corn-husker chinch bugs, countrified
cockroaches, hayseed hornets, hick hog moths, Podunk potato-flea beetles, rube round-headed apple tree borers,
rusticated rice weevils, sodbuster skeeters, or yokel yellow mealworms. When this happens, the show, we should warn you,
may suffer a momentary interruption. We’re used to it by now, of course, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to
“ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s powers. Last week we were all witnesses to the Miracle of
Birth– Hillbilly-style. But we’re sure they’ll be back for our swan song. It’s all we’ve been able to do to continue when the
whole clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we have
to– settle yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as the whole clan sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a big,
friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned varmint
of ’em all, li’l Lucky. They’ll soon be leaving for Europe– in fact, with Chicken… Let the Euros deal with them…
TICKETY-BOO  WITH FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! Whatever happens, even if this be our fabled final fling, as sure as the Lord
made little green apples, the Emperor Norton of our own time, who regularly appears at our show to deliver his
Message, will be there! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report,
Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 & 16). These are worth looking up. Then, there’s also a Wikipedia article. Like the original Norton,
Frank is shown certain deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself,
isn’t it? Just like this advert. We will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! He did skip out on us two weeks ago
when we went on during the Evening of the Same Day as the St. Stupid’s Day Parade (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX,
No. 21) –and Frank, who marched with the surging throng of Stupid-ites –we saw him there– wore himself out and
never made it to the show. We do think it more than likely that for this our final blow-out, you’ll see him there.
See him right now, if you want to, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking
on the link you’ll find in the Monstrous Column of URLs at the bottom of The Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER A STRAIGHT-SHOOTER!
Straight shots of Fernet Branca, that is. In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay
of our show for lo these many years, provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show
goes on. It works like this: we mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image
up on the screen. You should have been there to see how he augmented the presentation of our special Guest, Zero
Boy. Keeping up with Zero is an achievement in itself. I.J. (Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity
Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished
baker and a competent guitarist. A cool customer– but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is
to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in
this, strangely enough, he always succeeds. And– can he ever put away the Fernet! He sure can do it. So he does it. That
settles it.

PETE GOLDIE MARKS A CHASE– IN SPACE!
Soaring high in the eastern sky and almost overhead at around midnight are the two stars marking the Hunting Dogs, in
Latin known as Canes Venatici. Located about a third of the way from the end of the Big Dipper’s handle and below it,
these dogs were placed in the heavens by the Gods long ago to assist Bootes, the Bear Driver in his daily task of pursuing
the Big Bear (Ursa Major) around the pole of the Celestial Realm. (That Bear is of course the Big Dipper as we know it in
our time. In the Middle Ages they called this familiar constellation the Wain (wagon), as it resembles one (more than a bear,
but not, perhaps, as much as a Dipper). So, that would make the Venatici the harriers of a wagon, not a bear. Dogs will run
after vehicles, won’t they? And Pete is right out there with his backyard telescope, making observations and notes. Were
you at Lost Vegas? Visit Pete’s Quantum Entanglement Game? If you attend our show you know him as our own ADH Science expert. And, despite the needlessly abusive low-comedy sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not
interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the
two forms or an unseemly eructation of copulating, birth-giving, screaming, roof-dwelling hillbillies) just could be going to be
telling each and every one of us about these celestial mutts and other phenomena of the sky. Al-l-l-l-l-l about ’em. Enjoy!
CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s four guys doing
improv, on 4 different levels. It can be amazing, This is the last one of these… of these… this is the last one.”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any John Barleycorn for sale, OK, alcoholics? We don’t do the show in a bar any more. So, though it’s OK
to drink, if you want to you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions
will still be ree-warded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it, folks– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID CAPURRO –
ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS – THE BEST CARTOONS YOU
NEVER SAW – KrOB MONSTER CLIPS – WITH SPECIAL GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS”
– DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME – OUR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL
WILL BE THERE TO TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN!
ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE HER. YES, IT’LL BE ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT
DOOR-GIRL, ER, GOT WISE TO US– AND IS GONE– LONG GONE… ANYWAY, COME ALL, COME ONE, SHOW’S DONE, DONE, DONE…

SOCIAL NOTES

The last Ask Dr. Hal! Show was a rip-roaring whirlwind of “irritainment,” as some call it. We did so well that we ran out of
chairs… we had ’em sitting on the floor & standing in the aisles. Maybe our headliner, zegnotronic Zero Boy swelled the
draw– he did one of the greatest routines ever as he took us all on “A Trip to Coney Island,” ably assisted by incredibly fast
finger-work on the old Keyboard from dynamic David Capurro… or our other Special Guest the Right Honorable “Gadabout”
Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco. Although the much-in-demand Mayor Newsom is rarely in the State of California
these days as he skyes around the U.S. raising money for his Goober-natorial Campaign, last Wed. he flew back from Florida
that morning and appeared at his chum Chicken’s in time to do our show. Too bad if you missed all this. You still have one more
chance to see us while we’re hot. Just ask dazzled David Lynam, or cute Carmen, who endured the dread kooky KrOB Moment,
delectable Dawn Stott– she wasn’t the mystery chicken this time, but was present in an advisory capacity as lovely Lynae Straw
donned the feather’d livery… Ask pneumatic Pamela Lyons if she considered her time there well spent, or marmoreal Melissa…
Kurvaceous Kristina Baverstock might want to second her opinion– or perhaps enchanting Emily of the décolletage that drew all
male eyes (& some female ones)… Torrid Tarin Towers was among us, and roseate Rhiannon Charisse… Joyous Janay
Growden & June-fresh Julie Holabird… Oh, well, there were some males there also, as we said… Who can concentrate on them
when in the presence of ravishing Robin Coomer? But sheer Love of Truth impels us to note the attendance of brawny Butch
McGruder, dashing Deekoo L., ready Rhett, casual Casey Cripe, demented David W., peripatetic Paul Pot– during the recitation,
please! less verbage– but thanx 4 th’ herbage… photog-in-chief Puzzling Evidence… Nobody could deny that bread-delivering
Bishop Joey, a.k.a. edifying Ed Holmes was on deck, tanned, ready & rested after his previous wk.’s St. Stupid’s Day March on th’
First of April… You couldn’t avoid heckling Hillbillies sylvan Spy Emerson &, assisting as his Significant Other gave birth right
on our stage, manly Moses Grubb… Righteous Robert Levy added up the Score at the Door… Discerning D.S. Black was back…
Get the skinny on our show from any of them– or come yourself. You’ve got this final chance. After that, we enter into
uncertainty. Chaotician Chicken likes it that way… WORTHY OF NOTE: .HANDS OUT TO Hometown Gal HOLLIS: The fundraising
continues, all to provide financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in
India & still in need of funds tho’ now ensconced at last in Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th’ community has
raised almost 100 grand, we hear… You too can take part & donate– keep in touch with the latest developments at
http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or, and this is even better– donate thru paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com –help do a good
deed in an evil world. WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in the Noosphere… Flash! Loop! Station is
coming to Yoshi’s! It’s hard to describe what they do if you’ve been unlucky enuff not to see and hear them yet– we could just say,
along with Chicken, that they’re the best band in San Francisco. However you tell it, singular Sam Bass plays the cello while ravishing
Robin Coomer unlimbers her fabulous voice– it’s never clear just who is “accompanying” whom– while they simultaneously record
loops of the music as they produce it, and play and sing along with these loops as they go. It is fairly clear that their innovative use of
the newest looping technology enables them to create visceral compositions with strangely compelling emotional power. Nobody
else does this– and nobody could sing like radiant Robin. Once you’ve heard them– well, we confess to hearing them in our dreams
sometimes. Now, Friday, April 17th you can also hear–and see them at Yoshi’s (the S.F.one, not the Oakland one). Yoshi’s San
Francisco, if you’ve never been, is at 1330 Fillmore at Eddy, on the ground floor of the Fillmore Heritage Center. That’s on the front
side of the building. If you drive there in a polluto-mobile, valet parking is available, or just park yourself in the garage conveniently
beneath the building. You’ll find the entrance on Eddy Street. Click on this handy URL: http://www.yoshis.com/sanfrancisco, you
clickers. LOOP! SCOOP: –Now it’s available– Loop! Station’s newest CD, Love vs. Love. We’re assuming that you have their other
CDs, as we certainly do… This one will complete the set– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on this right now:
cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more on all this at www.loopthis.com– & find it in your hearts to support your local arts, if
you’ve got the smarts… Flash! There’s more at Amnesia– don’t forget! DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS! You
guessed it, Pilgrim–Diabolical Dr. Hal & the Band are roaring back! Once again the All-Stars– consonant Chicken, jammin’ Jason, cool
cat Chris Campbell and demented Dr. Hal are coming out of sequestration to do a music set– this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St.,
between 19th & 20th– on Sunday nite– April 19th. Come hear dulcet Dr. Hal sing with the band. We’re working up some new songs &
old favorites, & we will wreak roccocco ‘n’ roll upon you… If we don’t bomb for the entire set, that is… WORTHY OF NOTE: FILM FUN
Flash! Kinky KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus has… flipped over from Monday to Friday night! Repeat: NOT MONday but FRIday! We
know, we were shocked too. Chicken changed the date again… & again. Then, he changed it again. Hard to keep up? Last time we were
left with (metaphorical) egg on our faces as Chicken abruptly cancelled the whole megilla at the last minute.The disappointed would-be
Film Farmers ended up going over to Pete Goldie’s to watch a movie. Not too shabby. Just the same, this is the last one, and if you want
to be aboard, schedule accordingly for… April 24th. Confirm with Chicken in advance or that mercurial fellow might pull the rug out from
under yet again, a painful prospect to contemplate… The picture? Not a Double Feature for this last outing, but one lo-o-ong movie: IT’S A
MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD, (Stanley Kramer, 1963). A fine movie to see on a bus, let alone on the bus. When it first appeared it
seemed bloated– not all that funny. Still, there was that which drew you into it. And every year since it’s seemed a better movie. With the
dream cast of the ages… But let kandid KrOB deliver the pitch:”Yes, a movie night on Chicken’s (APPLAUSE) Bus. Simple, you might think…
or you might just think simply. In either case, FILM FARM and DRIVE-OUT THEATER is a triumph of artificial selection… That’s probably
why it’s confused so many naturalists. Five years ago, it was spawned in the soggy dark of the Odeon Bar. Strange fertility gave rise to its
‘more than pure’ aesthetic. After the closing of the Odeon, it resurfaced for a short time. The indifference of Normalcy, which became
locally known as ‘Antigenic Drifter Syndrome’ or ‘Advertisements’ very nearly destroyed the show. Since then, back in the subtle care of
Odium Magistrato KrOB and Ringmonster Chicken John, it’s survived and prospered.. and for more than a year it’s evolved into the rolling
cinema it is today. Last year we did FILM FARM and it went something a little like this [Go to PUZZLING EVIDENCE You Tube video stream]: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyqgdRdQgNc Here’s what our Captain has to say about it [KrOB konfides]: ‘Drive out movie. You get on the
bus at Ritual at 8:00 on Friday, April 24th! We drive somewhere… We go to a place. Do a thing. The bus has 2 screens. It’s comfortable and
fun. And kinda stupid. KrOB edits little things for before and after the movies. They are amuzing (sic). There is popcorn. The movies he picks
are great. I drive. We get back around Midnight.’  “The show’s for people with their eyes wide open, who never see it coming,” kasual KrOB
kontinues. “Our Final Installment for this season of FILM FARM takes us to the Charles M. Schultz Sonoma County Airport to look at some
old planes (a very cheap knockoff of the Mojave Airplane Graveyard Tour… no real comparison except to say that there ARE some old
(flupped)-up jets and there ARE a couple of movie references – our feature presentation being one of them) and head to my friend’s (MOSTLY
MAGIC) store in Santa Rosa. Once downtown, we’ll have a snack (I recommend Gary Chu’s Chinese Food) and visit Ken Garr, the owner of the
shop and an extremely funny guy, buy some rubber chickens and squirting nickels, and maybe, just maybe we’ll get a magic show… if you’re
good, kids! Whattaya say? But wait– there’s more! FREE CANDY!! EYENOISE!! OLD-FASHIONEDS, MIXED ON A MOVING VEHICLE!! –and
lots MORE SURPRISES! (‘Surprises’ ‘being: things you may or may not actually like, and would certainly never, ever pay for…)  WOO-HOO!” So
that’s it, according to kompletist KrOB. Whew! All this plug-ola’s really bloating the ole Column. And we’re not thru yet. Anyway, that’s th’ skinny
on the Last Voyage of Film Farm. Everything’s coming to an end. Be at Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street on Friday, April 24th at 8:00 PM
Sharp. [Note time change.] Have $10.00– and wotta bargain –ready for the Driver. If you don’t believe us (& who would after all these
changes?) –you’d believe Facebook, wouldn’t you? Sure you would, all you technology-enslaved automatons. OK, go to                                             http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=65350611029
WORTHY OF NOTE: FAINEANT FOLLIES: The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you know what that means (or would like to), have we got a
project for you! Go to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio. Once you’re there, tune it to 107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park,
you can listen to a continuous forty-five minute specially engineered dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running 24-7
on FM radio, 107.9 FM in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… Too much to do! Keep watching this space to the end of the race…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs. Remember, if it won’t play, try watching in High Quality…

NOT FROM ASK DR. HAL! –But you will certainly want to see the PUZZ-EV VIDEO RECORD of the recent
STARS & GARTERS Show at Amnesia March 29th, which did feature the talents of KrOB & Dr. Hal! First, SEE Big
Ben Burke sing with shapely Jessy Roadkill, host Leon Redbone, Unicorn and the Bartender who hammered a
sharpened butter knife up his nose… (Pt. 1):

The William Tell Routine is featured, at the end of which, gorgeous Jessy Face is stripped before all via stage
magic, leaving her adorned only in her blushes– and a few insignificant decorations. You may want to watch
this one more than once– we find it endlessly refreshing. Burke’s Ode to a Brass Bikini, Feats of Strength, Lovely
Linda Robertson, Roadkill & Mack are also back for more sexy clowning… what’s not to like? (Pt. 1.1):

Then, Ravishing Roadkill & Curvaceous Claire Mack practice more All-Woman Feats of Stength! And then they
rock out! Oh… my… God… YEAH! Too bad if you missed that STARS & GARTERS Show (Pt. 2):

Dr. Hal plays the Cabin Boy on the Hindenburg as KrOB provides the Sound while the STARS & GARTERS beauties,
Jessy, Jessy & Claire present their puppet-&-people Play (Pt. 3):

It just gets better at the STARS & GARTERS Show when Lewd Lingerie-clad Lesbian Antics at the Beauty Parlor take
over the stage. PUZZ-EV also throws in a Special Effects shot, where, thru the Magick of Backwards Filming, Jessy
Face’s clothes actually go back on… What’ll they think of next? (Pt. 4):  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ieU1H6SDao8&feature=related

All right, resume normal breathing and watch these Ask Dr. Hal! Show clips…

Pete Goldie blazes like a supernova as he opens on March 18th (Pt. 1):

Frank Chu & Laser-equipped Unicorns occupy Dr. Hal after his entrance as the questions start on March 18th (Pt. 2):

Chicken is busted for Twittering during the show & we land on the Moon once more on March 18th (Pt. 3):

Underdog (cartoon character) occupies us, along with bickering hillbillies on March 18th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie blazes a trail as the show begins, detailing the Kepler Mission on March 11th (Pt. 1):

More of Blake’s Milton and a visit from Frank Chu swings the Show into magnum motion
March 11th (Pt. 2):

Now, dream about hornet stings, how to get laid, SubGenius pedigrees, Spy’s KroB moment, personal food
waste size, Frank Chu’s terms and whether or not the 8-Ball knows anything, from March 11th (Pt. 3):

For the last of the courtly poets, some Shelley, a one-armed Viking problem and yet more poetry finish our
excerpt from March 11th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie Peers at Comet 134340; Chicken’s recommendations on Baby & Child Care
start things March 4th (Pt. 1):

Satan’s panties & Superman’s orgasm are highlighted after more of Blake’s Milton March 4th (Pt. 2):

Making the best of a bad assignment, Dr. Hal improvises poetically on Politics & Economics
March 4th (Pt. 3):

Micturation apprehended is seen as a question, as is the Nature of the Conspiracy March 4th (Pt. 4):

The show launches with Chicken’s Monologue and Pete Goldie’s paideutic presentation; we
examine the surface of the planet Mars and look at active Neutron Stars February 25th (Pt. 1):

Midget cover bands, Hillbilly interference, and Frank Chu all contribute on February 25th (Pt. 2):http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua0rpp16PPY&feature=email

SubGenius propaganda leads the ADH onslaught on February 25th (Pt. 3):

The Skeleton in Armor closes the show with the saga of a Viking’s life and death on February 25th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The first part:

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal’s Wm. Blake recitation on February 18th
in (Pt. 2):

More of February 18th’s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB
Moment:

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail and welcomes Pete Goldie in the first
of two parts from ADH on February 11th (Pt. 1):

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly
(Pt. 2), more:

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th’s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th’s farandole (Pt. 3):

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

Peruse the second part of January 28th’s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th’s performance sensation (Pt. 3):

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel (Pt. 2):

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):

The second half of PUZZ-EV’s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):

Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th
(Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJeYyZ7jG9k&feature=channelScope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
several questions.
Just go to:

See selected clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those !!?@#$%?!! cuss-words.
Go to:

For those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow in the mire of partisan politics from last year’s
endless-seeming Presidential election, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video
clip from the ADH Pirate Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance
of special guests Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint. Yowza! Go to:

See you Wednesday Night!

SOON WE ‘LL BE HITTING THE END OF THE TRACK–
THERE’S NO GOING FORWARD, AND NO GOING BACK!

–FOR ONE MORE TIME, YOU CAN COME TO:
Ask Dr. Hal ‘s
Twenty-two Tales Told!
—-ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–
WEDNESDAY, April 8th!
Yes, our advertised La-a-a-ast Show!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME– more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( C  H  E  A  P  ! ) N O   O N E   T U R N E D   A W A Y !   ( A   B A R G A I N ! )
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX   No. 22

“Whatever weapons one is given, one should certainly use. All’s fair in Love and War,
and life is Love– and Life is also War…”
–Viscount Sir T. D. Osgood Ffoulkes-Smythe-Blevourt, Strategy and the West

THIS WEEK:
END IS NEARBY! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – LAST SHOW, Y’KNOW? – RADIO REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS? – MONSTROUS MONSTER OCTOPUS PULLS VEXED VESSEL TO WATERY DOOM IN SLITHERY, SUCKERY EMBRACE – BAD LUCK BLACKIE – WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR– ZERO BOY ! – WITH ADDITIONAL GUEST APPEARANCE: SAN FRANCISCO MAYOR GAVIN NEWSOM ! – HILLBILLY HEAVEN – FRANK CHU MAKES DO – CAPPY’S WELTANSHAUUNG – PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM: PEEP AT INT’L SPACE STATION THRU BACK-YARD PEEPER-SCOPE ALL THIS WK. – HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – SLICK CHICK IN A CHICKEN AT CHICKEN ‘S – WORTHY OF NOTE – HELP FOR HOLLIS – LOST VEGAS LIVES AGAIN AT CELLSPACE, APRIL 11th – LOOP! STATION SENSATION RETURNS FROM L.A. TRIUMPH: WILL STAGE LOOP! COUP FRIDAY, APRIL 17th AT YOSHI’S IN SANFRAN – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS, NOT MONDAY, APRIL 6th , BUT TUESDAY, APRIL 7th – NOTE THIS 11th- HOUR CHANGE — DON’T MISS THE LAST SHOW IN THE CURRENT KrOB BUS RIDE SERIES: SCREENED WILL BE IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD– WITH EYENOISETM , FUN, GAGS & SURPRISES – RESIST THE EVIL PROGRAMMING OF JEJUNEIST CULT: HEAR COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE ‘S BROADCAST 24-7 IN UPPER DOLORES PARK – DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS TO PLAY AT AMNESIA APRIL 19th – YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NUDEST CLIPS – SEE STARS (& GARTERS)…

And so it has come to pass. Chicken ‘s ringing down the curtain on the very last show at his swingin’ bachelor pad on Cesar Chavez. Yes (are ye reading carefully here, O faithful few?), just as at the Ask Dr. Hal! Show the time comes when Chicken pulls out the la-a-a-ast question– the very last question– you’ve seen him do this and should know what it means– so will our very next iteration be that selfsame sad day, the 8th of April, when the show at the (mostly) red-painted, spacious Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret is the (livin’) end of Ask Dr. Hal! At least, according to current projections, for ” 5 to 8 weeks.” Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He’s going to be leaving all of us in San Francisco as he goes off to Europe on April 21st. It’s all so he can mess around installing ponderous internal combustion engines from massive American cars in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” over there in Slovenia, before he drifts down the weary waterways of the Continent into the sewage-strewn, reeking canals of Venice. That’s Venice, Italy.Yes, those Slovenians apparently need an infusion of Detroit Iron in their flimsy, arty watercraft. That’s not all they need, by the way. It turns out they’re more or less bankrupt. So now Chicken’s putting on a last-minute benefit at Cellspace on April 11th (see “Social Notes,” below) to Bail Out “Old Europe.” And, since he long ago decreed that the Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the present day must take place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be more than happy, as we’ve pointed out before, to keep on with a “guest host” –a mock Chicken, if you will, the restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he’s away and unable to prevent them from invading, tromping cattle-like into the various rooms including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt-studs and collar stays, the sterling silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs,  dueling pistols, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers (he hates that), leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper and his secret cupboard of erotic pottery, breaking his extensive O-scale model railroad layout, making off with his cabinet of simply adorable vintage Hummel figurines– and “borrowing” (more or less permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we’re (just about) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce, we come to the end– of the beginning– of our dreaded…
COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! WE’RE AT ZERO! THIS IS IT!
Your final opportunity remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder, laughter and bemusement,
the savagery and splendor, the ne plus ultra we like to call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE’LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Naw… not too likely. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently bounced off SF’s popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. It’s all very tawdry & “internal” –because we asked Monkey nicely not to advertise our radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he exercised the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR’s chief factotum blew a gasket– and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to lay eyes on any of our hated heads again– in short, none of us can e’er return. No, not, at least, to that radio station… But, you know, there just may be…
FAINT GLIMMERS OF… HOPE!
Really? Hope? Well, keep watching this space for word of a continuing show Dr. Hal may get to do, if the Gods are willing, without Chicken and in an entirely different but nearby (in the Mission) space! Mum’s the word right now while difficult, Byzantine negotiations are going forward. It’s true– there do exist a few evanescent wisps of chance that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken performances, even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio! But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself says, “I need a break!” That’s what he says. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space– to see if the visionary, impractical idea of a crazy, Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope– an ignis fatuus, a “swamp light” or “foolish fire” that lures us from the correct path into a sucking, froggy bog of Error– or, instead, one with an ever-so-slight possibility of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining hours at Chez Poulet, we’re more determined than ever to make history in our own way. We’ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree or so further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. The word is that our last two performances have been our very best so far– we’re going to try to go out with the proverbial bang, a real Shuffle-off-to-Buffalo ending. Kreative KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he’s got an absolutely terrifying vertiginous vignette he’s putting together this week, when the mandatory obligatory traditional Monster Clip will show you how an old break-bulk-type freighter ends up in Davy Jones’s Locker when a horrible thousand-foot long octopus seizes it in mid-ocean and, wrapping its loathsome rubbery tentacles around the hapless vessel, drags it down into the Abyss, when …

KrOB, San Francisco, presents:
UP FROM THE DEEPS– THE OCTOPUS CREEPS!
Yes, KrOB’s done it again. The terrifying feeling of “Pursuit from Under,” as called so in James Dickey’s poem, is epitomized in KrOB’s glimpse of an immeasurably vast sea monster rising up and drowning hapless sailors alone at sea.
It’s been said (elsewhere, no time to go into it, we really do try to keep these things short and to the point) that this particular monster octopus has but five tentacles. This has been printed in books, but is false information. It’s actually a sextopus, OK? “Well, where are the other two tentacles?” we hear you ask. As if you’d really miss them. Look, buddy– we don’t know much about these furlongs-long octopuses. But we do know that life in the wild is tough, and that octopuses sometimes lose their tentacles. And you know what? They grow back.
A more serious problem, in our opinion, is the possible tissue damage this one gets from lifting itself too much out of the water. Or how the nerve impulses can travel swiftly enough over the considerable physical distance between octo-brain and tentacle tip. But we are content to believe that, as she always does, Nature will find a way. Melville wrote, by the way, in Moby-Dick, of “…a vast, pulpy mass, furlongs in length.” That’s right, furlongs. This from Melville, the celebrated precise observer. Look it up: One furlong = one-eighth of a mile, 220 yards, 660 feet or 201.168 meters.
In the Year of our Lord 1896, near St. Augustine, Florida, a chunk of something washed up, 21 feet long, 7 feet wide, and 4 feet tall. It also had barrel-thick fragments of tentacles, which, together with well-decayed but recognizable ‘hogshead-sized”  infundibuli and acetabuli, or suckers, strongly suggested a truly giant octopus. The suckers of the giant squid Architeuthis dux are quite different from those of an octopus.
The stinking heap on the beach in St. Augustine came to the attention of Professor A. Hyatt Verill, who confirmed it as an octopus, and gave it the name Octopus giganteus (verilli – the discoverer’s prerogative). The carcass was further damaged when a storm took it out to sea and re-deposited it on the shore. An attempt was made at that time to move the odorous, disgusting mass from the shore to protect it, and Dr. Webb, fighting down an overpowering nausea, cut some pieces from the carcass, which was eventually taken back out to sea by tides, to universal relief.
Prof. Webb’s tentacle chunk was sent by rail freight in formaldehyde to what is now the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. at  his expense, for which, he later wrote with bitterness, he never received compensation, although the consignment was accepted at the other end.
In the late Seventies or early Eighties– we saved the newspaper article but can’t find it now– this sealed barrel was located in storage and opened. Advanced tissue sampling techniques confirmed the flesh had come from an octopus, it was announced. This yellowed newspaper article was headed, “200-FT. OCTOPUS EXISTED, 2 BIOLOGISTS CONTEND.”
Now, like the better known Giant Squid, the Giant Octopus is probably a deep water creature, and would only rarely be seen alive, though there are some recorded sightings.
In 1802, Denys de Montfort reported that a ship near Angola was attacked by a monster who endeavored to drag it down with its sucker- laden tentacles. This monster was stopped, the annals tell us, when the seamen started chopping off its arms.  An often-reproduced  picture of the event shows what is clearly intended as a giant octopus– the creature in the picture has tentacles that would have been nearly 10 feet thick at the base. In 1951, a broken cable was brought up from 7200 feet. The cable had been fouled by the severed tentacle of an enormous octopus, which was brought to the surface (the tentacle) and observed before slipping away.  In 1989, a group in a pleasure craft off the Philippines were flung into the water when a giant tentacle capsized their boat. They waded to the safety of the shore without further incident. This was near the Mindanao Trench, the very deepest spot in the ocean… Yet another in a series of unforgettable KrOB “Edits.” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (since Chicken seems to have retired or sold our “size-challenged” screen). And narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But first, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
Every episode of Ask Dr. Hal! begins with the showing of a carefully selected, iconic American animated cartoon. We wish to highlight and remember our comedic roots here– KrOB shows only the best, relaxing and amusing our audience and getting them in “the mood.” Last week’s entry was The Legend of Rockabye Point (1955). It was made by Tex Avery after he went from MGM to the Lantz studios. Avery was one of the all-time great makers of the animated cartoon.
The fascinating thing about the American animated cartoon is that its birth, growth, decay and death all occurred during a human lifetime. The cartoon developed through the Twenties and Thirties getting better and better. Sound came in, then color. Subtlety and fidelity to Nature came in. And it was the same guys! Those who animated in the Twenties animated better in the Thirties and Forties. Disney’s people made giant strides. But since it was always the same group of people, as they grew old and died their art died with them. Meanwhile, the cigar-chewers behind the scene figured that the public at large couldn’t tell the difference between the most marvelous Warner Bros. cartoon and the most lug-headed, badly animated Hanna- Barbera production, which could be made for a third of the cost– and just didn’t care. The theatrical cartoon was phased out.
Look at Avery– he worked on the earliest Merrie Melodies at Warners. He made great cartoons and went to MGM, the “prestige” studio, where he (and only he) made even better cartoons. But then he went to Lantz… and still later was an elderly figure at Hanna- Barbera, roaming their corridors with nothing to do. If he contributed a well-drawn gag, H-B never used it. It made the rest of their crap look as bad as it was… OK, we discussed the next cartoon with KrOB, who wanted Bob Clampett’s Falling Hare. Instead, though, we resolved on one of Avery’s MGM marvels, Bad Luck Blackie (1949). Although Hanna- Barbera stole and degraded Avery’s best ideas, this cartoon still slays ’em. It was voted the fifteenth-best cartoon of all-time– not too shabby —in a 1994 poll of a thousand animation industry professionals, as referenced in the book The 50 Greatest Cartoons. We’ll give our pal Clampett another time, another day– and that day will surely come… On to Bad Luck Blackie. Avery’s very un-PC, cheerfully Sadistic cartoon, rather than being partially censored like some others, is today usually just not shown. We are, on the other hand, taking pains to give you the whole thing, complete and uncut, we think everyone needs to be exposed to this cartoon, and the version we’re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us one last time at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture. By the bye– you must know by now that we’re trying to show you something wonderful here. So if you’re just going to socialize, and choose to ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor– and go outside and have a cigarette, or play in traffic.
Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

“If this film teaches us anything (besides being kind to kittens and [to] beware of black cats) [it] is the importance of logic in cartoons. Avery isn’t merely laying one gag after another. He is developing the situation, letting it build naturally to a satisfying conclusion. He sets up rules for his characters to follow and bends them without breaking them. The result may be irrational, but it is never illogical, and it’s funny as hell.”
–Tony Ginorio, San Juan, Puerto Rico

ZERO BOY– MANHATTAN’S AUDIO ARTIST SUPREME: THE VOCAL VIRTUOSO!
Ask Dr. Hal! proudly brings back one of our favorite fellow-performers. You may have seen him put on a few shows with Dr. Hal in New York City for the last couple of July play dates at the Theater For the New City at 155 1st Avenue, between East 9th and East 10th Streets. If you’ve followed our show for the last ten years or so you’ll remember that Zero often showed up to bail us out. Now see him once more. Buy his CD! Direct from The Moisture Festival in Seattle, Washington– he headlined at that famed Burlesque-Varietè showcase and will now mystify, delight and amuse you with his hilarious and uncanny vocalizations and routines. Ladies (he’s available!) and Gentlemen, the Fountain of Fecund Fanfaronade, the Master of Made-up Meanderings, the Sultan of Sound-Effect Seduction, Zero Boy!
Check out http://www.zeroboy.com/

MAYOR GAVIN NEWSOM TO JOIN HAL SHOW!
Gavin Christopher Newsom, Mayor of the City of San Francisco since his election in 2003, announced that citywide, homicides are down 61% and crime is down 19.9% compared to this time last year. The San Francisco Police Department (SFPD) attributes the improved public safety statistics to more officers on the City’s streets, officers walking foot patrols, and because of a zone strategy that targets resources where they are most needed, officers everywhere you look. Indeed, for the first time since the mandate was passed in 1994 (don’t you remember?) the City is meeting the agreed-upon minimum police staffing figure of 1,971 officers. That’s what Mayor Newsom thinks we all need, cops, cops and more cops. But ask him yourself! We’re always happy to greet the Mayor at Ask Dr. Hal! Ever since Chicken John ran for the Mayor’s office, he and his former opponent Mr. Newsom have been the best of buddies.

HEY, WE GOT…
HOOCHED-UP HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, tawdry, tatty, run-down, beat-up, half-pint, washed-up, low-class, two-bit trailer suspended high above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic, inbred Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent –and unspecified “services” –for their minimal share of his echoing, cavernous domain. It’s furtively whispered that they pay not in money but in a certain product produced in their clandestine “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too absurdly small. Even hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly known in non-Appalachian areas, including Missouri’s Ozark Mountains and the Current River Basin of Missouri, as a reference used in describing socially backward people that fit certain “countrified,” [e.g. rural] characteristics, largely considered Celto-Cambrian [Scots-Irish] in descent.In this context, it is often, though not always a derogatory sobriquet. Although those in question may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, or even bumps, it’s averred that the word is preferred to such disparaging terms as, say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with the even less euphonious Redneck.) At any rate, no one in fact has yet been able to discern just how  many there are of these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will rouse them out of their stereotypical lair like a seething, frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, apple-knocker alfalfa caterpillars, backwoods bees, corn-husker chinch bugs, countrified cockroaches, hayseed hornets, hick hog moths, Podunk potato- flea beetles, rube round-headed apple tree borers, rusticated rice weevils, sodbuster skeeters, or yokel yellow mealworms. When this happens, the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We’re used to it by now, of course, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to “ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s powers. They all OD’d on “moonshine” last week, were staggering around blind drunk and never got sober enough to find their way and pay us a visit. But we’re sure they’ll be back for our swan song. It’s all we can do to continue when the whole clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we have to– settle yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as the whole clan sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned varmint of ’em all, li’l Lucky. They’ll soon be leaving for Europe– with Chicken… Let the Euros deal with them…

IN A STEW   WITH FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 & 16). These are worth looking up. Then, there’s also a Wikipedia article. Like the original Norton, Frank is shown certain deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? We will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! Last week’s show, though, was the same day as the St. Stupid’s Day Parade (see The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 21) –and Frank, who marched with the throng of Stupid-ites –we saw him there– wore himself out and never made it to the show. We do think it more than likely that for this our final blow-out, you’ll see him there. See him right now, if you want to, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on the link you’ll find in the Monstrous Column of URLs at the bottom of The Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER GETS CUTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years, provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J. (Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist. A cool customer– but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it. That settles it.

PETE GOLDIE MAKES THE CASE– FOR SPACE!
In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about how Space shuttle Discovery launched Sunday, March 15th, on a construction mission to the International Space Station. With good visibility, it’s perfect timing for sky-watchers like Pete, since it’s all visible through backyard telescopes! The mission coincides with a series of ISS flybys over North American towns and cities. People who go outside after sunset can see the shuttle-station combo with their naked eyes– and view the changing outlines of the ISS through their ‘scopes. That’s our cosmos for you. And, despite the needlessly abusive low- comedy sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the two forms or an unseemly eructation of copulating, screaming, roof-dwelling hillbillies) just could be going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l-l-l about it. Enjoy!

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s four guys doing improv, on 4 different levels. It can be amazing,”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any John Barleycorn for sale, OK, alcoholics? We don’t do the show in a bar any more. So, though it’s OK to drink, if you want to you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions will still be ree-warded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it, folks– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

WEB SITE? RIGHT!
Visit www.askdrhal.com for more information than you need.

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID CAPURRO – ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS – THE BEST CARTOONS YOU NEVER SAW – KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR AUDIO PRODIGY ZERO BOY – WITH SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE BY HIS HONOR GAVIN NEWSOM, MAYOR OF THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO – OUR VERY SPECIAL GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME – OUR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN! ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE HER. YES, IT’LL BE ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US– AND IS GONE– LONG GONE… ANYWAY, COME ALL, COME ONE, SHOW’S ALMOST ALL DONE…

SOCIAL NOTES
St. Stupid’s Day dawned warm & clear as April’s first day began. And there was the Parade… Here are various URLs, & you are welcome to check ’em out…

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/St__Stupid_s_Day_Parade_Invades_SF_Bay_Area.html
http://laughingsquid.com/saint-stupids-day-parade-2009-photos-video/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=773476947#v=feed
http://www.facebook.com/n/?photo.php&pid=1627717&op=1&view=all&subj=773476947&id=751119212&mid=3f9744G2e1a5253G1df520fG5

But the Ask Dr. Hal! Show had to go on that nite, n’matter how tired anybody was from alla that Parading. And so it did, though bilious Bob Madigan’s band drew many away from our show. Still, we had another good one. How could it have been otherwise, when we had Special Guest edifying Eric McFadden of stardom & Shake Well appear as a Guest Artist on our ADH stage… Our Prestige Audience also included such luminaries as Zap artist sinister Spain Rodriguez, whose latest book is the graphic novel-bio Che, Burning Man Founder & Doggie Diner-head Steward joltin’ John Law, gentlemanly Geoffrey Smart, rambunctious Rev. Chip, our own dauntless Dave Capurro’s ready roomie konstant Ken, Odeon Cocaine All-Stars drummer craggy Chris “Skins” Campbell, personable Paul Pot who eponymously contributed– a great krowd… Righteous Robt. Levy stood athwart the Chez Poulet door, taking in the simoleons… ‘Twas ever thus… Radiant Rochelle, restorative Robin Coomer of Loop! Station fame– and see below for more– whose unexpected close embrace during our lonely vigil over the 2-Minute Dance Party revived us mightily, but who had to slip away early to check out singular Sam Bass on TV– the Station’s mellow cello-ist was appearing on the jesting Jimmy Kimmel Show that eve & ravishing Robin wanted to catch the program– torrid Tarin Towers, va-va-voom-ish Valerie, our once (& future) Door Girl, pert Pockit and kurvy Kate Willett, who cut a striking figure on the dance floor– all counted in that other parade that so oft sinuously winds thru the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, the Parade of Pulchritude… Then there was buxom Blake More, slithering into something comfortable– that damn giant chicken suit, all to assist paideutic pedant “Prof” Pete Goldie in the presentation of the Sponsor’s Product, rounding off his scientific segment… She looks good both getting into and out of that well-fitting chicken suit, in the tradition of charismatic “Chicken Dawn” Stott, who has also graced the feathery garb, and charming Cherry Zombrowski, whose 1-woman show of her own at The Marsh this last March (retro-plug-ola!) was “Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and Other Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl” (see Social Notes, The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14)…WORTHY OF NOTE: .HANDS OUT TO Hometown Gal HOLLIS: The fundraising continues, all to provide financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in India & still in need of funds tho’ now at last in Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th’ community has raised almost 100 grand… You too can take part & donate– keep in touch with the latest developments at http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or, and this is even better– donate thru paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com –help do a good deed in this world. WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in the Noosphere… (VERY) WORTHY OF NOTE: LOST VEGAS is BACK AGAIN! Here it comes– the 17th installment of Lost Vegas! With overbearing OTTO VON DANGER! The Cheese Puffs! The wondrous Wink ‘n’ yearning Yoni Show! Marvelous Miriam Telles floats over our heads on the Trapeze! With Tango # 9! Shake Well! MongoLounge! Jammin’ Jessy Roadkill!  Cute Contorting Tara Quinn! Free-range Freakotronic! Slinky Sparkle Motion! And more, more more stuff & stars not confirmed yet… With every one of the games that you hate to love to play: Cockroach Racing! Craps! Rat Roulette! Blackjack! Lunging ‘Loid’s Bicycle Wheel Slot Machine! Big Dice! All for prizes– valueless prizes, prizes, prizes! Don’t forget to stop in to the Wee Bide-a-Wee Chapel o’ the Pines, where Double-team Divines Rev. Dr. Hal and Chaplain “Bishop” Ben Burke will unite happy couples in Short Duration Holy Matrimony (by Special Dispensation of the Church of the SubGenius)! And, Gentlemen– there’s the Harem Room. Whatever that is. But if you depend on those Little Blue Pills– bring ’em! That’s Lost Vegas # 17– at CELLspace, 2050 Bryant St., San Francisco, on Saturday, April 11th!   WORTHY OF NOTE: FILM FUN Flash! Kinky KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus has… flipped over from Monday to Tuesday night! Repeat: NOT MONday but TUESday! We know, we were shocked too. Just the same, this is the last one, and if you want to be aboard, schedule accordingly. The picture? Not a Double Feature for this last outing, but one lo-o-ong movie: IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD, (Stanley Kramer, 1963). A fine movie to see on a bus, let alone on the bus. When it first appeared it seemed bloated– not all that funny. Still, there was that which drew you into it. And every year since it’s seemed a better movie. With the dream cast of the ages… But let kandid KrOB deliver the pitch:”Yes, a movie night on Chicken’s (APPLAUSE) Bus. Simple, you might think… or you might just think simply. In either case, FILM FARM and DRIVE-OUT THEATER is a triumph of artificial selection… That’s probably why it’s confused so many naturalists. Five years ago, it was spawned in the soggy dark of the Odeon Bar. Strange fertility gave rise to its ‘more than pure’ aesthetic. After the closing of the Odeon, it resurfaced for a short time. The indifference of Normalcy, which became locally known as ‘Antigenic Drifter Syndrome’ or ‘Advertisements’ very nearly destroyed the show. Since then, back in the subtle care of Odium Magistrato KrOB and Ringmonster Chicken John, it’s survived and prospered.. and for more than a year it’s evolved into the rolling cinema it is today. Last year we did FILM FARM and it went something a little like this [Go to the following PUZZLING EVIDENCE You Tube video stream]:   http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyqgdRdQgNc Here’s what our Captain has to say about it [KrOB konfides]: ‘Drive out movie. You get on the bus at Ritual at 7:00 on Tuesday, April 7th! We drive somewhere… We go to a place. Do a thing. The bus has 2 screens. It’s comfortable and fun. And kinda stupid. KrOB edits little things for before and after the movies. They are amuzing (sic). There is popcorn. The movies he picks are great. I drive. We get back around Midnight.’  “The show’s for people with their eyes wide open, who never see it coming,” kasual KrOB kontinues. “Our Final Installment for this season of FILM FARM takes us to the Charles M. Schultz Sonoma County Airport to look at some old planes (a very cheap knockoff of the Mojave Airplane Graveyard Tour… no real comparison except to say that there ARE some old (flupped)-up jets and there ARE a couple of movie references – our feature presentation being one of them) and head to my friend’s (MOSTLY MAGIC) store in Santa Rosa. Once downtown, we’ll have a snack (I recommend Gary Chu’s Chinese Food) and visit Ken Garr, the owner of the shop and an extremely funny guy, buy some rubber chickens and squirting nickels, and maybe, just maybe we’ll get a magic show… if you’re good, kids! Whattaya say? But wait– there’s more! FREE CANDY!! EYENOISE!! OLD-FASHIONEDS, MIXED ON A MOVING VEHICLE!! –and lots MORE SURPRISES! (‘Surprises’ ‘being: things you may or may not actually like, and would certainly never, ever pay for…) WOO-HOO!” So that’s it, according to kompletist KrOB. Whew! All this plug-ola’s really bloating the ole Column. And we’re not thru yet. Anyway, that’s th’ skinny on the Last Voyage of Film Farm. Be at Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street at 7:00 PM Sharp. Have $10.00– and wotta bargain –ready for the Driver. Flash! Loop! Station is coming to Yoshi’s! It’s hard to describe what they do if you’ve been unlucky enuff not to see and hear them yet– we could just say, along with Chicken, that they’re the best band in San Francisco. However you tell it, singular Sam Bass plays the cello while ravishing Robin Coomer unlimbers her fabulous voice– it’s never clear just who is “accompanying” whom– while they simultaneously record loops of the music as they produce it, and play and sing along with these loops as they go. It is fairly clear that their innovative use of the newest looping technology enables them to create visceral compositions with strangely compelling emotional power. Nobody else does this– and nobody could sing like radiant Robin. Once you’ve heard them– well, we confess to hearing them in our dreams sometimes. Now, Friday, April 17th you can also hear –and see them at Yoshi’s (the S.F.one, not the Oakland one). Yoshi’s San Francisco, if you’ve never been, is at 1330 Fillmore at Eddy, on the ground floor of the Fillmore Heritage Center. That’s on the front side of the building. If you drive there in a polluto-mobile, valet parking is available, or just park yourself in the garage conveniently beneath the building. You’ll find the entrance on Eddy Street. Click on this handy URL: http://www.yoshis.com/sanfrancisco, you clickers. LOOP! SCOOP: –Now it’s available– Loop! Station’s newest CD, Love vs. Love. We’re assuming that you have their other CDs. This one will complete the set– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on this right now: cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more on all this at www.loopthis.com — & support your local arts, if you’ve got the smarts… WORTHY OF NOTE: FAINEANT FOLLIES: The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you know what that means (or would like to), have we got a project for you! Go to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio. Once you’re there, tune it to 107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a continuous forty-five minute specially engineered dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… WORTHY OF NOTE: Could be you saw how Stars & Garters, along with kompliant KrOB & devoted Dr. Hal, performing with curvaceous Claire Mack, Joyous Jessy Roadkill & Juniper-fresh Jessy Face(among others) put on a puppet-&-people segment based on the Hindenburg Zeppelin Crash Disaster @ the Lakehurst, N.J. Naval Air Station, with mind-breaking Special Effects, over at Amnesia? Flash! There’s more at Amnesia– don’t forget! DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS! You guessed it, Pilgrim–Diabolical Dr. Hal & the Band are roaring back! Once again the All-Stars– consonant Chicken, jammin’ Jason, cool cat Chris Campbell and demented Dr. Hal are coming out of sequestration to do a music set– this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St., between 19th & 20th– on Sunday nite– April 19th. Come hear deft Dr. Hal sing with the band. We’re working up some new songs & old favorites, & we will wreak roccocco ‘n’ roll upon you… Keep watching this space, while on to the end we race…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click, on these handy URLs. Remember, if it won’t play, try watching in High Quality…

NOT FROM ASK DR. HAL! –But you will certainly want to see the PUZZ-EV VIDEO RECORD of the recent STARS & GARTERS Show at Amnesia March 29th, which did feature the talents of KrOB & Dr. Hal! First, SEE Big Ben Burke sing with shapely Jessy Roadkill, host Leon Redbone, Unicorn and the Bartender who hammered a sharpened butter knife up his nose… (Pt. 1):

The William Tell Routine is featured, at the end of which, gorgeous Jessy Face is stripped before all via stage magic, leaving her adorned only in her blushes– and a few insignificant decorations. You may want to watch this one more than once– we find it endlessly refreshing. Burke’s Ode to a Brass Bikini, Feats of Strength, Lovely Linda Robertson, Roadkill & Mack are also back for more sexy clowning… what’s not to like? (Pt. 1.1):

Then, Ravishing Roadkill & Curvaceous Claire Mack practice more All-Woman Feats of Stength! And then they rock out! Oh… my… God… YEAH! Too bad if you missed that STARS & GARTERS Show (Pt. 2):

Dr. Hal plays the Cabin Boy on the Hindenburg as KrOB provides the Sound while the STARS & GARTERS beauties, Jessy, Jessy & Claire present their puppet-&-people Play (Pt. 3):

It just gets better at the STARS & GARTERS Show when Lewd Lingerie-clad Lesbian Antics at the Beauty Parlor take over the stage. PUZZ-EV also throws in a Special Effects shot, where, thru the Magick of Backwards Filming, Jessy Face’s clothes actually go back on… What’ll they think of next? (Pt. 4):

All right, resume normal breathing and watch these Ask Dr. Hal! Show clips…

Pete Goldie blazes a trail as the show begins, detailing the Kepler Mission on March 11th (Pt. 1):

More of Blake’s Milton and a visit from Frank Chu swings the Show into magnum motion March 11th (Pt. 2):

Now, dream about hornet stings, how to get laid, SubGenius pedigrees, Spy’s KroB moment, personal food waste size, Frank Chu’s terms and whether or not the 8-Ball knows anything, from March 11th (Pt. 3):

For the last of the courtly poets, some Shelley, a one-armed Viking problem and yet more poetry finish our excerpt from March 11th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie Peers at Comet 134340; Chicken’s recommendations on Baby & Child Care start things March 4th (Pt. 1):

Satan’s panties & Superman’s orgasm are highlighted after more of Blake’s Milton March 4th (Pt. 2):

Making the best of a bad assignment, Dr. Hal improvises poetically on Politics & Economics March 4th (Pt. 3):

Micturation apprehended is seen as a question, as is the Nature of the Conspiracy March 4th (Pt. 4):

The show launches with Chicken’s Monologue and Pete Goldie’s paideutic presentation; we examine the surface of the planet Mars and look at active Neutron Stars February 25th (Pt. 1):

Midget cover bands, Hillbilly interference, and Frank Chu all contribute on February 25th (Pt. 2):

SubGenius propaganda leads the ADH onslaught on February 25th (Pt. 3):

The Skeleton in Armor closes the show with the saga of a Viking’s life and death on February 25th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The first part:

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal’s Wm. Blake recitation on February 18th
in (Pt. 2):

More of February 18th’s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB Moment:

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail and welcomes Pete Goldie in the first of two parts from ADH on February 11th (Pt. 1):

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly (Pt. 2), more:

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th’s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th’s farandole (Pt. 3):

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

Peruse the second part of January 28th’s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th’s performance sensation (Pt. 3):

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year January 14th (Pt. 1):

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month marvel (Pt. 2):

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):

The second half of PUZZ-EV’s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th performance (Pt. 1):

Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th (Pt. 2):

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to several questions.
Just go to:

See selected clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those !!?@#$%?!! cuss-words.
Go to:

For those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow in the mire of partisan politics from last year’s endless-seeming Presidential election, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint. Yowza! Go to:

See you Wednesday night!

SOON WE’LL BE HITTING THE END OF THE TRACK–
THERE’S NO GOING FORWARD, AND NO GOING BACK!

–FOR ONE MORE TIME, YOU CAN COME TO:
Ask Dr. Hal’s Twenty-two Tales Told!
—-ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–
WEDNESDAY, April 8th!
Yes, our advertised La-a-a-ast Show!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME-– more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( Cheap as dirt! Nobody turned away! A BARGAIN!)
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 22

“Whatever weapons one is given, one should certainly use. All’s fair in Love and War, and life is Love– and Life is also War…”
–Sir T. D. O. Ffoulkes-Smythe-Blevourt, Strategy and the West

THIS WEEK:
END IS NEARBY! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – LAST SHOW, Y’KNOW? – RADIO
REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS? – MONSTROUS MONSTER OCTOPUS PULLS VEXED
VESSEL TO WATERY DOOM IN SLITHERY, SUCKERY EMBRACE – BAD LUCK BLACKIE –
WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR– ZERO BOY! – WITH ADDITIONAL GUEST APPEARANCE:
SAN FRANCISCO MAYOR GAVIN NEWSOM! – HILLBILLY HEAVEN – FRANK CHU
MAKES DO – CAPPY’S WELTANSHAUUNG – PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM: PEEP AT
INT’L SPACE STATION THRU BACK-YARD PEEPER-SCOPE ALL THIS WK. – HOUSE RULES
RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – SLICK CHICK IN A CHICKEN AT
CHICKEN’S – WORTHY OF NOTE – HELP FOR HOLLIS – LOST VEGAS LIVES AGAIN AT CELLSPACE, APRIL 11th –

LOOP! STATION SENSATION RETURNS FROM L.A. TRIUMPH:
WILL STAGE LOOP! COUP FRIDAY, APRIL 17th AT YOSHI’S IN SANFRAN – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS, NOT MONDAY, APRIL 6th, BUT TUESDAY, APRIL 7th – NOTE THIS 11th-
HOUR CHANGE– DON’T MISS THE LAST SHOW IN THE CURRENT KrOB BUS RIDE SERIES:
SCREENED WILL BE IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD– WITH EYENOISETM, FUN,
GAGS & SURPRISES – RESIST THE EVIL PROGRAMMING OF JEJUNEIST CULT: HEAR
COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE’S BROADCAST 24-7 IN UPPER DOLORES PARK –
DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS TO PLAY AT AMNESIA APRIL 19th –
YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NUDEST CLIPS WILL MAKE YOU SEE STARS (& GARTERS)…

AND SO it has come to pass. Chicken’s ringing down the curtain on the very last show at his swingin’ bachelor pad on Cesar Chavez. Yes (are ye reading carefully here, O faithful few?),
just as at the Ask Dr. Hal! Show the time comes when Chicken pulls out the la-a-a-ast question– the
very last question– you’ve seen him do this and should know what it means– so will our very next
iteration be that selfsame sad day, the 8th of April, when the show at the (mostly) red-painted, spacious
Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret is the (livin’) end of Ask Dr. Hal! At least, according to current projections,
for ” 5 to 8 weeks.” Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He’s going to be leaving all of us in San
Francisco as he goes off to Europe on April 21st. It’s all so he can mess around installing ponderous
internal combustion engines from massive American cars in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” over there in
Slovenia, before he drifts down the weary waterways of the Continent into the sewage-strewn, reeking
canals of Venice. That’s Venice, Italy.Yes, those Slovenians apparently need an infusion of Detroit Iron
in their flimsy, arty watercraft. That’s not all they need, by the way. It turns out they’re more or less
bankrupt. So now Chicken’s putting on a last-minute benefit at Cellspace on April 11th (see “Social Notes,”
below) to Bail Out “Old Europe.” And, since he long ago decreed that the Ask Dr. Hal! Show of the present day
must take place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be more than happy, as we’ve pointed
out before, to keep on with a “guest host” –a mock Chicken, if you will, the restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a
crowd of people there while he’s away and unable to prevent them from invading, tromping cattle-like into
the various rooms including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt-studs and collar stays, the
sterling silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs,  dueling pistols, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting
prints, rifling through his drawers (he hates that), leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper and his secret
cupboard of erotic pottery, breaking his extensive O-scale model railroad layout, making off with his
cabinet of simply adorable vintage Hummel figurines– and “borrowing” (more or less permanently) his
beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we’re (just about) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce,
we come to the end– of the beginning– of our dreaded…
COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! WE’RE AT ZERO! THIS IS IT!

Your final opportunity remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder, laughter and bemusement,
the savagery and splendor, the ne plus ultra we like to call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE’LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Naw… not too likely. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently bounced off
SF’s popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. It’s all very tawdry & “internal” –because we
asked Monkey nicely not to advertise our radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing
our listeners, but he ignored us despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what
happened next– he exercised the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR’s chief
factotum blew a gasket– and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants
to lay eyes on any of our hated heads again– in short, none of us can e’er return. No, not, at least, to that radio
station… But, you know, there just may be…
FAINT GLIMMERS OF… HOPE!
Really? Hope? Well, keep watching this space for word of a continuing show Dr. Hal may get to do, if the Gods
are willing, without Chicken and in an entirely different but nearby (in the Mission) space! Mum’s the word right
now while difficult, Byzantine negotiations are going forward. It’s true– there do exist a few evanescent wisps of
chance that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken performances, even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio! But
‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself says, “I need a break!” That’s
what he says. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space– to see if the visionary, impractical idea of a crazy,
Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope– an ignis fatuus, a “swamp light” or “foolish fire” that
lures us from the correct path into a sucking, froggy bog of Error– or, instead, one with an ever-so-slight possibility
of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining hours at Chez Poulet, we’re more determined than ever to make history
in our own way. We’ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree or so further, trying
to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. The word is that our last two performances have
been our very best so far– we’re going to try to go out with the proverbial bang, a real Shuffle-off-to-Buffalo ending.
Kreative KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he’s got an absolutely terrifying vertiginous
vignette he’s putting together this week, when the mandatory obligatory traditional Monster Clip will show you how an
old break-bulk-type freighter ends up in Davy Jones’s Locker when a horrible thousand-foot long octopus seizes it
in mid-ocean and, wrapping its loathsome rubbery tentacles around the hapless vessel, drags it down into the Abyss,
when …

KrOB, San Francisco, presents:
UP FROM THE DEEPS– THE OCTOPUS CREEPS!
Yes, KrOB’s done it again. The terrifying feeling of “Pursuit from Under,” as called so in James Dickey’s poem, is
epitomized in KrOB’s glimpse of an immeasurably vast sea monster rising up and drowning hapless sailors alone at
sea.
It’s been said (elsewhere, no time to go into it, we really do try to keep these things short and to the point) that this  particular monster octopus has but five tentacles. This has been printed in books, but is false information. It’s actually
a sextopus, OK? “Well, where are the other two tentacles?” we hear you ask. As if you’d really miss them. Look, buddy–
we don’t know much about these furlongs-long octopuses. But we do know that life in the wild is tough, and that
octopuses sometimes lose their tentacles. And you know what? They grow back.
A more serious problem, in our opinion, is the possible tissue damage this one gets from lifting itself too much out of
the water. Or how the nerve impulses can travel swiftly enough over the considerable physical distance between
octo-brain and tentacle tip. But we are content to believe that, as she always does, Nature will find a way.
Melville wrote, by the way, in Moby-Dick, of “…a vast, pulpy mass, furlongs in length.” That’s right, furlongs. This from
Melville, the celebrated precise observer. Look it up: One furlong = one-eighth of a mile, 220 yards, 660 feet or
201.168 meters.
In the Year of our Lord 1896, near St. Augustine, Florida, a chunk of something washed up, 21 feet long, 7 feet wide, and 4 feet tall.
It also had barrel-thick fragments of tentacles, which, together with well-decayed but recognizable ‘hogshead-sized”  infundibuli and
acetabuli, or suckers, strongly suggested a truly giant octopus. The suckers of the giant squid Architeuthis dux are quite different
from those of an octopus.
The stinking heap on the beach in St. Augustine came to the attention of Professor A. Hyatt Verill, who confirmed it as an octopus,
and gave it the name Octopus giganteus (verilli- the discoverer’s prerogative). The carcass was further damaged when a storm took
it out to sea and re-deposited it on the shore. An attempt was made at that time to move the odorous, disgusting mass from the shore
to protect it, and Dr. Webb, fighting down an overpowering nausea, cut some pieces from the carcass, which was eventually taken back
out to sea by tides, to universal relief.
Prof. Webb’s tentacle chunk was sent by rail freight in formaldehyde to what is now the Smithsonian in Washington D.C. at  his
expense, for which, he later wrote with bitterness, he never received compensation, although the consignment was accepted at the
other end.
In the late Seventies or early Eighties– we saved the newspaper article but can’t find it now– this sealed barrel was located in storage
and opened. Advanced tissue sampling techniques confirmed the flesh had come from an octopus, it was announced. This yellowed
newspaper article was headed, “200-FT. OCTOPUS EXISTED, 2 BIOLOGISTS CONTEND.” 
Now, like the better known Giant Squid, the Giant Octopus is probably a deep water creature, and would only rarely be seen alive, though
there are some recorded sightings.
In 1802, Denys de Montfort reported that a ship near Angola was attacked by a monster who endeavored to drag it down with its sucker-
laden tentacles. This monster was stopped, the annals tell us, when the seamen started chopping off its arms.  An often-reproduced
picture of the event shows what is clearly intended as a giant octopus– the creature in the picture has tentacles that would have been
nearly 10 feet thick at the base. In 1951, a broken cable was brought up from 7200 feet. The cable had been fouled by the severed
tentacle of an enormous octopus, which was brought to the surface (the tentacle) and observed before slipping away.  In 1989, a group
in a pleasure craft off the Philippines were flung into the water when a giant tentacle capsized their boat. They waded to the safety of the
shore without further incident. This was near the Mindanao Trench, the very deepest spot in the ocean… Yet another in a series of
unforgettable KrOB “Edits.” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (since Chicken seems to have retired or
sold our “size-challenged” screen). And narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But first, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON!
Every episode of Ask Dr. Hal! begins with the showing of a carefully selected, iconic American animated cartoon. We wish
to highlight and remember our comedic roots here– KrOB shows only the best, relaxing and amusing our audience and getting
them in “the mood.” Last week’s entry was The Legend of Rockabye Point (1955). It was made by Tex Avery after he went
from MGM to the Lantz studios. Avery was one of the all-time great makers of the animated cartoon.
The fascinating thing about the American animated cartoon is that its birth, growth, decay and death all occurred during
a human lifetime. The cartoon developed through the Twenties and Thirties getting better and better. Sound came in, then
color. Subtlety and fidelity to Nature came in. And it was the same guys! Those who animated in the Twenties animated
better in the Thirties and Forties. Disney’s people made giant strides. But since it was always the same group of people, as
they grew old and died their art died with them. Meanwhile, the cigar-chewers behind the scene figured that the public at
large couldn’t tell the difference between the most marvelous Warner Bros. cartoon and the most lug-headed, badly
animated Hanna-Barbera production, which could be made for a third of the cost– and just didn’t care. The theatrical
cartoon was phased out.
Look at Avery– he worked on the earliest Merrie Melodies at Warners. He made great cartoons and went to MGM, the
“prestige” studio, where he (and only he) made even better cartoons. But then he went to Lantz… and still later was an
elderly figure at Hanna-Barbera, roaming their corridors with nothing to do. If he contributed a well-drawn gag, H-B never
used it. It made the rest of their crap look as bad as it was… OK, we discussed the next cartoon with KrOB, who wanted
Bob Clampett’s Falling Hare. Instead, though, we resolved on one of Avery’s MGM marvels, Bad Luck Blackie (1949). Although
Hanna-Barbera stole and degraded Avery’s best ideas, this cartoon still slays ’em. It was voted the fifteenth-best cartoon
of all-time– not too shabby —in a 1994 poll of a thousand animation industry professionals, as referenced in the book The
50 Greatest Cartoons. We’ll give our pal Clampett another time, another day– and that day will surely come… On to Bad Luck
Blackie. Avery’s very un-PC, cheerfully Sadistic cartoon, rather than being partially censored like some others, is today usually
just not shown. We are, on the other hand, taking pains to give you the whole thing, complete and uncut, we think everyone
needs to be exposed to this cartoon, and the version we’re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us
one last time at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet
another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished
popular culture. By the bye– you must know by now that we’re trying to show you something wonderful here. So if you’re
just going to socialize, and choose to ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor– and go outside
and have a cigarette, or play in traffic. Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

“If this film teaches us anything (besides being kind to kittens and [to] beware of black cats) [it] is the importance of logic in
cartoons. Avery isn’t merely laying one gag after another. He is developing the situation, letting it build naturally to a
satisfying conclusion. He sets up rules for his characters to follow and bends them without breaking them. The result may be
irrational, but it is never illogical, and it’s funny as hell.”
–Tony Ginorio, San Juan, Puerto Rico

ZERO BOY– MANHATTAN’S AUDIO ARTIST SUPREME: THE VOCAL VIRTUOSO!
Ask Dr. Hal! proudly brings back one of our favorite fellow-performers. You may have seen him put on a few shows with Dr. Hal
in New York City for the last couple of July play dates at the Theater For the New City at 155 1st Avenue, between East 9th and
East 10th Streets. If you’ve followed our show for the last ten years or so you’ll remember that Zero often showed up to bail us out.
Now see him once more. Buy his CD! Direct from The Moisture Festival in Seattle, Washington– he headlined at that famed
Burlesque-Varietè showcase and will now mystify, delight and amuse you with his hilarious and uncanny vocalizations and
routines. Ladies (he’s available!) and Gentlemen, the Fountain of Fecund Fanfaronade, the Master of Made-up Meanderings,
the Sultan of Sound-Effect Seduction, Zero Boy!
Check out http://www.zeroboy.com/

MAYOR GAVIN NEWSOM TO JOIN HAL SHOW!
Gavin Christopher Newsom, Mayor of the City of San Francisco since his election in 2003, announced that citywide, homicides
are down 61% and crime is down 19.9% compared to this time last year. The San Francisco Police Department (SFPD) attributes
the improved public safety statistics to more officers on the City’s streets, officers walking foot patrols, and because of a zone
strategy that targets resources where they are most needed, officers everywhere you look. Indeed, for the first time since the
mandate was passed in 1994 (don’t you remember?) the City is meeting the agreed-upon minimum police staffing figure of 1,971
officers. That’s what Mayor Newsom thinks we all need, cops, cops and more cops. But ask him yourself! We’re always happy to
greet the Mayor at Ask Dr. Hal! Ever since Chicken John ran for the Mayor’s office, he and his former opponent Mr. Newsom have
been the best of buddies.

HEY, WE GOT…
HOOCHED-UP HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, tawdry, tatty, run-down, beat-up, half-pint, washed-up, low-class, two-bit trailer suspended high
above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic, inbred Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent –and unspecified “services” –for their minimal share of his
echoing, cavernous domain. It’s furtively whispered that they pay not in money but in a certain product produced in
their clandestine “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too absurdly small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly known in
non-Appalachian areas, including Missouri’s Ozark Mountains and the Current River Basin of Missouri, as a reference
used in describing socially backward people that fit certain “countrified,” [e.g. rural] characteristics, largely considered
Celto-Cambrian [Scots-Irish] in descent.In this context, it is often, though not always a derogatory sobriquet. Although
those in question may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, or even bumps, it’s averred that the word is
preferred to such disparaging terms as, say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with
the even less euphonious Redneck.) At any rate, no one in fact has yet been able to discern just how  many there are of
these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will rouse
them out of their stereotypical lair like a seething, frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, apple-knocker alfalfa caterpillars,
backwoods bees, corn-husker chinch bugs, countrified cockroaches, hayseed hornets, hick hog moths, Podunk potato-
flea beetles, rube round-headed apple tree borers, rusticated rice weevils, sodbuster skeeters, or yokel yellow
mealworms. When this happens, the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We’re used to it by
now, of course, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to “ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s
powers. They all OD’d on “moonshine” last week, were staggering around blind drunk and never got sober enough to find
their way and pay us a visit. But we’re sure they’ll be back for our swan song. It’s all we can do to continue when the whole
clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we have to– settle
yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as the whole clan sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a big, friendly
Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned varmint of ’em
all, li’l Lucky. They’ll soon be leaving for Europe– with Chicken… Let the Euros deal with them…

IN A STEW  WITH FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver his
Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14,
15 & 16). These are worth looking up. Then, there’s also a Wikipedia article. Like the original Norton, Frank is shown certain
deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? We will always
welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! Last week’s show, though, was the same day as the St. Stupid’s Day Parade (see The
Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 21) –and Frank, who marched with the throng of Stupid-ites –we saw him there– wore himself
out and never made it to the show. We do think it more than likely that for this our final blow-out, you’ll see him there. See him right now, if you want to, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on the
link you’ll find in the Monstrous Column of URLs at the bottom of The Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER GETS CUTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist. A cool
customer– but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question
at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he
always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it. That settles it.

PETE GOLDIE MAKES THE CASE– FOR SPACE!
In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the
endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this
week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey,
kids! Ask Pete about how Space shuttle Discovery launched Sunday, March 15th, on a construction mission to the
International Space Station. With good visibility, it’s perfect timing for sky-watchers like Pete, since it’s all visible
through backyard telescopes! The mission coincides with a series of ISS flybys over North American towns and
cities. People who go outside after sunset can see the shuttle-station combo with their naked eyes– and view the
changing outlines of the ISS through their ‘scopes. That’s our cosmos for you. And, despite the needlessly abusive low-
comedy sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant,
dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the two forms or an unseemly eructation of
copulating, screaming, roof-dwelling hillbillies) just could be going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l-l-l
about it. Enjoy!

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s four guys doing
improv, on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any John Barleycorn for sale, OK, alcoholics? We don’t do the show in a bar any more. So, though it’s OK
to drink, if you want to you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions
will still be ree-warded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it, folks– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID CAPURRO –
ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS – THE BEST CARTOONS YOU
NEVER SAW – KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR AUDIO PRODIGY ZERO BOY – WITH SPECIAL
GUEST APPEARANCE BY HIS HONOR GAVIN NEWSOM, MAYOR OF THE CITY OF SAN FRANCISCO – OUR VERY SPECIAL
GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU
THINK YOU CAN COME – OUR DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS
YOU CROSS HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN! ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE HER.
YES, IT’LL BE ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US– AND IS GONE– LONG GONE… ANYWAY, COME
ALL, COME ONE, SHOW’S ALMOST ALL DONE…

SOCIAL NOTES
St. Stupid’s Day dawned warm & clear as April’s first day began. And there was the Parade… Here are various URLs, & you are wel-
come to check ’em out…

http://www.nbcbayarea.com/news/local/St__Stupid_s_Day_Parade_Invades_SF_Bay_Area.html
http://laughingsquid.com/saint-stupids-day-parade-2009-photos-video/
http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=773476947#v=feed
http://www.facebook.com/n/?photo.php&pid=1627717&op=1&view=all&subj=773476947&id=751119212&mid=3f9744G2e1a5253G1df520fG5

But the Ask Dr. Hal! Show had to go on that nite, n’matter how tired anybody was from alla that Parading. And so it did, though bilious
Bob Madigan’s band drew many away from our show. Still, we had another good one. How could it have been otherwise, when we had
Special Guest edifying Eric McFadden of stardom & Shake Well appear as a Guest Artist on our ADH stage… Our Prestige Audience
also included such luminaries as Zap artist sinister Spain Rodriguez, whose latest book is the graphic novel-bio Che, Burning Man
Founder & Doggie Diner-head Steward joltin’ John Law, gentlemanly Geoffrey Smart, rambunctious Rev. Chip, our own dauntless Dave
Capurro’s ready roomie konstant Ken, Odeon Cocaine All-Stars drummer craggy Chris “Skins” Campbell, personable Paul Pot who
eponymously contributed– a great krowd… Righteous Robt. Levy stood athwart the Chez Poulet door, taking in the simoleons… ‘Twas ever
thus… Radiant Rochelle, restorative Robin Coomer of Loop! Station fame– and see below for more– whose unexpected close embrace
during our lonely vigil over the 2-Minute Dance Party revived us mightily, but who had to slip away early to check out singular Sam Bass
on TV– the Station’s mellow cello-ist was appearing on the jesting Jimmy Kimmel Show that eve & ravishing Robin wanted to catch the
program– torrid Tarin Towers, va-va-voom-ish Valerie, our once (& future) Door Girl, pert Pockit and kurvy Kate Willett, who cut a striking
figure on the dance floor– all counted in that other parade that so oft sinuously winds thru the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, the Parade of
Pulchritude… Then there was buxom Blake More, slithering into something comfortable– that damn giant chicken suit, all to assist
paideutic pedant “Prof” Pete Goldie in the presentation of the Sponsor’s Product, rounding off his scientific segment… She looks good
both getting into and out of that well-fitting chicken suit, in the tradition of charismatic “Chicken Dawn” Stott, who has also graced
the feathery garb, and charming Cherry Zombrowski, whose 1-woman show of her own at The Marsh this last March (retro-plug-ola!) was
“Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and Other Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl” (see Social Notes,
The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14)…WORTHY OF NOTE: .HANDS OUT TO Hometown Gal HOLLIS: The fundraising continues, all to provide
financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in India & still in need of funds tho’
now at last in Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th’ community has raised almost 100 grand… You too can take part &
donate– keep in touch with the latest developments at http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or, and this is even better– donate thru
paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com –help do a good deed in this world. WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in
the Noosphere… (VERY) WORTHY OF NOTE: LOST VEGAS is BACK AGAIN! Here it comes– the 17th installment of Lost Vegas! With
overbearing OTTO VON DANGER! The Cheese Puffs! The wondrous Wink ‘n’ yearning Yoni Show! Marvelous Miriam Telles floats over our
heads on the Trapeze! With Tango # 9! Shake Well! MongoLounge! Jammin’ Jessy Roadkill!  Cute Contorting Tara Quinn! Free-range
Freakotronic! Slinky Sparkle Motion! And more, more more stuff & stars not confirmed yet… With every one of the games that you hate
to love to play: Cockroach Racing! Craps! Rat Roulette! Blackjack! Lunging ‘Loid’s Bicycle Wheel Slot Machine! Big Dice! All for prizes–
valueless prizes, prizes, prizes! Don’t forget to stop in to the Wee Bide-a-Wee Chapel o’ the Pines, where Double-team Divines Rev. Dr. Hal
and Chaplain “Bishop” Ben Burke will unite happy couples in Short Duration Holy Matrimony (by Special Dispensation of the Church of the
SubGenius)! And, Gentlemen– there’s the Harem Room. Whatever that is. But if you depend on those Little Blue Pills– bring ’em! That’s Lost
Vegas # 17— at CELLspace, 2050 Bryant St., San Francisco, on Saturday, April 11th!  WORTHY OF NOTE: FILM FUN Flash! Kinky KrOB’s Film
Farm on the Bus has… flipped over from Monday to Tuesday night! Repeat: NOT MONday but TUESday! We know, we were shocked too. Just
the same, this is the last one, and if you want to be aboard, schedule accordingly. The picture? Not a Double Feature for this last outing, but one
lo-o-ong movie: IT’S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WORLD, (Stanley Kramer, 1963). A fine movie to see on a bus, let alone on the bus. When it
first appeared it seemed bloated– not all that funny. Still, there was that which drew you into it. And every year since it’s seemed a better movie.
With the dream cast of the ages… But let kandid KrOB deliver the pitch:”Yes, a movie night on Chicken’s (APPLAUSE) Bus. Simple, you might
think… or you might just think simply. In either case, FILM FARM and DRIVE-OUT THEATER is a triumph of artificial selection… That’s probably
why it’s confused so many naturalists. Five years ago, it was spawned in the soggy dark of the Odeon Bar. Strange fertility gave rise to its
‘more than pure’ aesthetic. After the closing of the Odeon, it resurfaced for a short time. The indifference of Normalcy, which became locally
known as ‘Antigenic Drifter Syndrome’ or ‘Advertisements’ very nearly destroyed the show. Since then, back in the subtle care of Odium
Magistrato KrOB and Ringmonster Chicken John, it’s survived and prospered.. and for more than a year it’s evolved into the rolling cinema it
is today. Last year we did FILM FARM and it went something a little like this [Go to the following PUZZLING EVIDENCE You Tube video stream]:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyqgdRdQgNc Here’s what our Captain has to say about it [KrOB konfides]: ‘Drive out movie. You get on the
bus at Ritual at 7:00 on Tuesday, April 7th! We drive somewhere… We go to a place. Do a thing. The bus has 2 screens. It’s comfortable and fun.
And kinda stupid. KrOB edits little things for before and after the movies. They are amuzing (sic). There is popcorn. The movies he picks are
great. I drive. We get back around Midnight.’  “The show‘s for people with their eyes wide open, who never see it coming,” kasual KrOB kontinues.
“Our Final Installment for this season of FILM FARM takes us to the Charles M. Schultz Sonoma County Airport to look at some old planes (a
very cheap knockoff of the Mojave Airplane Graveyard Tour… no real comparison except to say that there ARE some old (flupped)-up jets and
there ARE a couple of movie references – our feature presentation being one of them) and head to my friend‘s (MOSTLY MAGIC) store in Santa
Rosa. Once downtown, we’ll have a snack (I recommend Gary Chu’s Chinese Food) and visit Ken Garr, the owner of the shop and an extremely
funny guy, buy some rubber chickens and squirting nickels, and maybe, just maybe we’ll get a magic show… if you’re good, kids! Whattaya
say? But wait– there’s more! FREE CANDY!! EYENOISE!! OLD-FASHIONEDS, MIXED ON A MOVING VEHICLE!! –and lots MORE SURPRISES!
(‘Surprises’ ‘being: things you may or may not actually like, and would certainly never, ever pay for…) WOO-HOO!” So that’s it, according to
kompletist KrOB. Whew! All this plug-ola’s really bloating the ole Column. And we’re not thru yet. Anyway, that’s th’ skinny on the Last Voyage of
Film Farm. Be at Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street at 7:00 PM Sharp. Have $10.00– and wotta bargain –ready for the Driver. Flash! Loop!
Station is coming to Yoshi’s! It’s hard to describe what they do if you’ve been unlucky enuff not to see and hear them yet– we could just say,
along with Chicken, that they’re the best band in San Francisco. However you tell it, singular Sam Bass plays the cello while ravishing Robin
Coomer unlimbers her fabulous voice– it’s never clear just who is “accompanying” whom– while they simultaneously record loops of the music as
they produce it, and play and sing along with these loops as they go. It is fairly clear that their innovative use of the newest looping technology
enables them to create visceral compositions with strangely compelling emotional power. Nobody else does this– and nobody could sing like
radiant Robin. Once you’ve heard them– well, we confess to hearing them in our dreams sometimes. Now, Friday, April 17th you can also hear
—and see them at Yoshi’s (the S.F.one, not the Oakland one). Yoshi’s San Francisco, if you’ve never been, is at 1330 Fillmore at Eddy, on the
ground floor of the Fillmore Heritage Center. That’s on the front side of the building. If you drive there in a polluto-mobile, valet parking is
available, or just park yourself in the garage conveniently beneath the building. You’ll find the entrance on Eddy Street. Click on this handy URL: http://www.yoshis.com/sanfrancisco, you clickers. LOOP! SCOOP: —Now it’s available– Loop! Station‘s newest CD, Love vs. Love. We’re
assuming that you have their other CDs. This one will complete the set– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on this right now: cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more on all this at www.loopthis.com— & support your local arts, if you’ve got the smarts… WORTHY OF
NOTE: FAINEANT FOLLIES: The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you know what that means (or would like to), have we got a project for you! Go
to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio. Once you’re there, tune it to 107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a
continuous forty-five minute specially engineered dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM
in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… WORTHY OF NOTE: Could be you saw how Stars & Garters, along with kompliant KrOB & devoted Dr. Hal,
performing with curvaceous Claire Mack, Joyous Jessy Roadkill & Juniper-fresh Jessy Face(among others) put on a puppet-&-people segment
based on the Hindenburg Zeppelin Crash Disaster @ the Lakehurst, N.J. Naval Air Station, with mind-breaking Special Effects, over at
Amnesia? Flash! There’s more at Amnesia– don’t forget! DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS! You guessed it, Pilgrim–Diabolical Dr.
Hal & the Band are roaring back! Once again the All-Stars— consonant Chicken, jammin’ Jason, cool cat Chris Campbell and demented Dr. Hal are
coming out of sequestration to do a music set– this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St., between 19th & 20th-– on Sunday nite– April 19th. Come
hear deft Dr. Hal sing with the band. We’re working up some new songs & old favorites, & we will wreak roccocco ‘n’ roll upon you… Keep
watching this space, while on to the end we race…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs. Remember, if it won’t play, try watching in High Quality…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email

See you Wednesday night!