ASK DR. HAL! Deals 21!

Tuesday, March 31st, 2009

FOR THOSE IN THE KNOW:
TWO MORE SHOWS TO GO
STILL REMAIN TO ATTEND
AND THEN– IT’S THE END…

–BUT FOR NOW, COME AND TRY
Ask Dr. Hal ‘s Vingt-et-Un!
—-ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–
WEDNESDAY, April 1st!
Yes, the Night of St. Stupid ‘s Day!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME– more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH

NO ONE turned away! A BARGAIN!

3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 21

“April is the cruelest month…”
— T.S. Eliot, The Waste Land

THIS WEEK:
END IS NEAR! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – 2 MORE SHOWS! – LAST SHOW IS
APRIL 8th – RADIO REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS? – EERIE GIANT ROBOT FROM
SPACE MELTS TANKS, GUNS WITH RAY BLASTS – THE LEGEND OF ROCKABYE POINT –
HILLBILLY APOCALYPSE – FRANK CHU SEES IT THRU – CAPPY’S  MASTER PLAN – PETE
GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM: SMACKED BY AN ASTEROID FROM THE VOID – HOUSE
RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – A SMOKIN’ HOT SHOW – –
PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – CHICK IN A CHICKEN AT CHICKEN ‘S – WORTHY OF
NOTE: ST.. STUPID ‘S DAY IMMANENT – HELPING HOLLIS – LOOP! STATION SENSATION
WILL LOOP THE LOOP FRIDAY, APRIL 17TH AT YOSHI’S IN SANFRAN – KrOB’S FILM
FARM GOES DARK 1 MORE WEEK, THEN WILL RETURN MONDAY, APRIL 6TH WITH YET
MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE FEATURES & MATCHING DESTINATIONS – YOU CAN HEAR
COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE’S BROADCAST 24-7 IN UPPER DOLORES PARK –
DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS TO PLAY AT AMNESIA APRIL 19TH –
YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NEWEST CLIPS

And so now we ‘re down to two shows. Only two more of these things to see.
Can you believe it? April 8th is our last show. Yes (read carefully here, O faithful few), just as at the
Ask Dr. Hal! Show the time comes when Chicken pulls out the la-a-a-ast question– the very last
question– so will that sad day in April be the final iteration of our quasi-legendary night club
juggernaut on Cesar Chavez Street at the (mostly) red-painted Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret. We’re
actually getting a good crowd– the last was our best ever– and are putting on some memorable
performances. But… these shows are coming to an end. We’ll be doing– it’s official– two MORE
SHOWS. Oh, yeah? Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He’s going to be leaving all of us in San
Francisco as he goes off to Europe on April 21st. It’s all so he can mess around installing ponderous
internal combustion engines from massive American cars in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” over there in
Slovenia. Yes, those Slovenians need an infusion of Detroit Iron in their flimsy, arty watercraft. And since
the show these days must take place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be more than
happy, as we’ve pointed out before, to keep on with a “guest host” –a substitute Chicken, if you will, the
restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he’s away, unable to prevent them from
invading, shuffling into the various rooms including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt-studs
and collar stays, the sterling silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs,  dueling pistols, gilded snuff-boxes
and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers (he hates that), leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper,
making off with his cabinet of adorable vintage Hummel figurines and “borrowing” (more or less
permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we’re (soon going to be) out of there, it’s been
swell, and now, perforce, we begin our dreaded…

COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! 

JUST 2 MORE PLAY DATES, A DUO
of final, dwindling opportunities remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder, laughter and
bemusement, the savagery and splendor, the ne plus ultra we like to call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE’LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF’s
popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our
radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us
despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he
exercised the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR’s chief factotum blew a
gasket– and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to lay
eyes on any of our moon-faced mugs again– in short, none of us can e’er return. No, not, at least, to that
radio station…
FAINT GLIMMERS OF… HOPE?
There do exist a few evanescent wisps of hope that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken
performances, even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment
prematurely. As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself would say, “I shall try, Master– I shall try.” That’s what
he’d say. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space– to see if the visionary, impractical idea
of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope– or instead one with an ever-so-slight
chance of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining run at Chez Poulet, we’re more determined than
ever to make history in our own way. We’ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always
refining it a degree or so further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will.
KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he’s got a real never-before-seen, poetic
and inspirational parable he wants to bring us this week, when the mandatory traditional Monster Clip will
show you how the entire U.S. Military feels when an emissary from a more advanced civilization, an
inhuman visitor from the stars, practices a little “Shock & Awe” on them, despite their (futile) best efforts,
when …

KrOB, San Francisco, presents:
ROBOT REVENGE: PAYBACK FROM BEYOND!
Yes, KrOB’s done it again. The imposing giant robot, having emerged from the colossal flying saucer that
landed in Washington, D.C., shoots intense beams of unknown actinic force from his helmet-like head,
blasting tanks, guns and other weapons, melting cannons and severing their molecular bonds, so great
and complete is the destruction, so that there is very little left… Just because a trigger-happy grunt
squeezed off a round and shot the alien ambassador. A scene from a movie well known to Dr. Hal and
KrOB. But the funny thing is that even when we suppose that we can’t show something that “everybody’s
seen,” it turns out that by and large they haven’t seen it. A movie older than they are wouldn’t interest them.
Although, they just might have seen the recent Keanu Reeves remake. Well, this is the genuine article, from
20th-Century Fox and Robert Wise, incorporating exquisite music by the late Twentieth Century’s greatest
composer, Bernard Hermann, and yet another in a series of unforgettable KrOB “Edits.” Scientific!
Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if  you prefer to, and it’s up, which it hasn’t been lately, on
our “size-challenged” screen). Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
Every episode of Ask Dr. Hal! begins with the showing of a carefully selected, iconic American
animated cartoon. We wish to highlight and remember our comedic roots here– KrOB shows only
the best, relaxing and amusing our audience and getting them in “the mood.” Last week’s entry
was the incredible Draftee Daffy (1945), wherein Daffy Duck struggles mightily, even beyond the grave,
to avoid induction into the U.S. Armed Services. A fine Warner Bros. cartoon by animation god Bob
Clampett. But now… Well, if you know anything at all about the history of animated cartoons, you might
be amazed at our announcement here that we’ll be showing a Lantz cartoon. Because, frankly, these
mostly weren’t very good. Remember all those horrible Chilly Willy cartoons? They came from the Walter
Lantz studio. And “Inspector Willoughby…” ugh. Well, folks, we like to break the mold at Ask Dr. Hal!
–even our own– and so this time we are showing a Lantz cartoon– even a Chilly Willy. But the sawed-off,
boring, pantomimic penguin character is actually only briefly seen in The Legend of Rockabye Point
(1955). And this particular cartoon was directed by the great Tex Avery. There are other good names in the
credits, and it was actually nominated for an Academy Award (and who are we to dispute the Academy?).
We are, as always, taking pains to give you the whole thing, complete and uncut, just as you might have
seen it along with the main feature(s) at a Drive-In in 1955, out under the stars… Oh, yes, we think everyone
needs to see this cartoon, and the version we’re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So
join us at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch
up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed
it all down) mostly vanished popular culture. By the bye– you must know by now that we’re trying to
show you something wonderful here. So if you’re just going to socialize, and choose to ignore the
cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor– and go outside and have a cigarette, or play
in traffic. Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends…

” The Legend of Rockabye Point offers a set-up familiar to those who dig the structure of the modern
cartoon, but rushes toward its transformation into an Avery-crafted de(and re-)construction of reality.”
-B. H. Brainard, The Hidden Truth in Cartoons
HEY, WE GOT…
HELLCAT & HELLION HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, tawdry, tatty, run-down, beat-up, half-pint, washed-up, low-class, two-bit trailer suspended high
above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic, inbred Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom
Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent –and unspecified “services” –for their minimal share of his
echoing, cavernous domain. It’s furtively whispered that they pay not in money but in a certain product produced in
their clandestine “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too absurdly small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly known in
non-Appalachian areas, including Missouri’s Ozark Mountains and the Current River Basin of Missouri, as a reference
used in describing socially backward people that fit certain “countrified,” [e.g. rural] characteristics, largely considered
Celto-Cambrian [Scots-Irish] in descent.In this context, it is often, though not always a derogatory sobriquet. Although
those in question may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, or even bumps, it’s averred that the word is
preferred to such disparaging terms as, say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with
the even less euphonious Redneck.) At any rate, no one in fact has yet been able to discern just how  many there are of
these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will rouse
them out of their stereotypical lair like a seething, frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, backwoods bees, cornhusker
chinch bugs, countrified cockroaches, hayseed hornets, hick hog moths, Podunk potato flea beetles, rube round-
headed apple tree borers, rusticated rice weevils, sodbuster skeeters, or yokel yellow mealworms. When this happens,
the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We’re used to it by now, of course, after all this time.
But we can’t tell you just to “ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s powers. Just last week, their
tin-pot trailer proved to be the scene of another regrettable domestic disturbance. It almost looked as though we were
going to make it through an entire show without hillbilly defilement, but it was not to be, when Ole Man Moses came
raging in looking for his wife (& looking to “discipline” her for some imagined infraction with a paddle which was more or
less a raw two-by-four). Strange indeed are the ways of the hill people. Oh well, nothing like a good argument to clear
the air on the home front, eh? It’s all we can do to continue when the whole clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan,
often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we have to– settle yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as
the whole clan sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses,
“Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned varmint of ’em all, li’l Lucky. They’ll soon be leaving for
Europe– with Chicken…

BILL AND COO WITH FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to
deliver his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal
Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 & 16). These are worth looking up. Then, there’s also a Wikipedia article. Like the
original Norton, Frank is shown deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how
history repeats itself, isn’t it? We will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! You’ll see him there. See him
right now, if you want to, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on
the link you’ll find in the Monstrous Column of URLs at the bottom of the Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER GETS CUTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist. A cool
customer– but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question
at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he
always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it. That settles it.

PETE GOLDIE ‘S SECRET BASE– IN SPACE!
In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the
endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this
week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey,
kids! Ask Pete about how the Earth was actually recently struck by an asteroid! This primordial object detonated in the upper
atmosphere with a searing flash and the blast radius of a tactical atomic device with a yield of 1,000 tons of TNT, over Sudan’s
remote Nubian Desert, near Station Six between Wadi Halfa and, to the Southeast, Abu Hamed. In the distant desert land, ruled
over by cruel dictator and, according to the World Criminal Court, international war criminal Mohammed-al-Bashir, the brilliant
light of the explosion frightened villagers and tribesmen close by and everywhere along the Nile. Meteoritic, or bolide fragments
were retrieved from the impact site– the asteroid that yielded these was a very rare F-class object known as a Ureilite. Its
original weight prior to the airburst, its explosive contact with the upper atmosphere, is estimated as being in the neighborhood
of 90 tons. And a single piece now being analyzed contains widely varied and colored forms of carbon, including countless
microscopic diamonds– nanodiamonds, they’re called –along with graphite and iron carbide. More interestingly, it contains
traces of organic compounds, too, including amino acids. It looks as if our solar system was ready to generate our kind of life,
even before the Earth was formed. How about that–that’s our cosmos for you. And, despite the needlessly abusive low-
comedy sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant,
dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the two forms or an unseemly eructation of
copulating, screaming, roof-dwelling hillbillies) just could be going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l-l-l
about it. Enjoy!

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s four guys doing
improv, on 4 different levels. It can be amazing,”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any hooch for sale, OK, alcoholics? We don’t do the show in a bar any more. So, though it’s OK to
drink, if you want to you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions
will still be ree-warded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it, folks– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID
CAPURRO – ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS –
CARTOONS – KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING
HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME –
OUR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS
HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN! ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE HER.
YES, IT’LL BE ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US– AND IS GONE– LONG GONE…
ANYWAY, COME ALL, COME ONE, SHOWS ALMOST ALL DONE…

SOCIAL NOTES
A series of Twittering tweets followed last wks. show, squawking and shedding feathers, to say nothing of the
fate of the newspapers in the bottom of the cage… But unless what a little bird babbled to me was just a bilious
bag
of birdseed, these were positive reviews… ADH was found by some to be at the peak of its form, which since
we aim to please,
is the bee’s knees. No complaints from frantic Frogstar Darling, caustic Cappy’s pal kinetic
Ken, pensive Paul Pot, legal-minded Lightning, or jovial Jimmy… Erudite Erik, no eremite, came out of his cell to
see us…He’s a Techgnostic, too… Malapert Mable Syrup seemed to be having fun, as did rapturous Rhiannon
Charisse…
Sloe-eyed Stacia, also joyous Julie Holoabird, who danced with us during the 2-minute Dance Party,
jewel-like Jessy Face, chanteuse & thespian of Stars & Garters fame– wotta lotta beauties– maybe they’re what
inspired us that nite… Radiant Robin Coomer, definitely, too, who passed us a smokeable emolument (as well
as a donative dollop of the other kind), exquisite Emily, noted painter luscious Lynn Rubenzer, nonpareil Nieves
Rathbun
(avec joltin’ Jasper “Sprout” Rathbun) & redheaded lovely Lena Strayhorn, who never strays from
reading the Dr. Hal Report from top to bottom… Then there was charming Cherry Zombrowski, slipping into
something comfortable– i.e. aiiee! –a human-sized giant chicken suit, all to assist paideutic “Prof” Pete Goldie
in the presentation of the Sponsor’s Product rounding off his scientific segment… She looks good both getting
into
and out of a giant chicken suit, in the tradition of charismatic “Chicken Dawn” Stott, who has also graced
the feathery garb…WORTHY OF NOTE: It’s that time of year again– time for sacred St. Stupid’s march around
the bases of Ess Eff’s tyrannical towers. Wednesday, April
1st is swingin’ St. Stupid’s Day, & we know you’re
going to want to join blessed Bishop Joey (& Deacon Dr. Hal) as they and the others of the rag-tag band of
brothers & sisters meet at the Vaillancourt Fountain
, area– you know, that fountain by audacious Armand
Vaillancourt
that some say looks as if it came from a giant dog’s square intestines– the foot of Market St. at
precisely
Noon on that great Day, the First of April. You may see a certain troika of Doggie Diner Heads there,
too. Then the army of clowns swings into action… You’ll hear the booming of the big bass drum as you near
the rendezvous point, and see others of your wildly-attired fellow weirdos also streaming toward the spot. Man,
you really have to work to burnish your misfit credentials in this burg! It’s been going on forever, by the bye– a
fateful ‘Frisco tradition. Anyone might be there– previous iterations have been joined by keystone-speaker Ken Kesey
and wild-haired Wavy Gravy. C’mon, you’ll love it– lots of laffs and the cops (hardly) never throw you in jail… But
of course this is also the date of the first Ask Dr. Hal! Show of April. You’ll hear about the St. Supid’s After-party
that nite at the Elbo Room. We aren’t publicizing it because this event directly competes with ours. Just the
same,
the moment our show is over dedicated Dr. Hal will hie himself thither to perform, since said p’formance was
solicited… And, faithful few, if you have the stamina you too can show-hop at this time…HANDS OUT TO HOLLIS:
The fundraising continues, all to provide financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne,
injured in a motorcycle mishap in India & still in need of funds tho’ now in Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores.
Sofar, th’ community has raised almost 100 grand in just the past few daze… Trouble is, they need 200K in all. They
do have the 1st half, & she’s made the transition to the U.S. You can take part & donate– keep in touch with the
latest developments at
http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or donate thru paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com
–help do a good deed in this world. WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in the
Noosphere… Flash! Loop! Station is coming to Yoshi’s! It’s hard to describe what they do if you’ve been unlucky
enough not to see and hear them yet– we could just say, along with Chicken, that they’re the best band in San
Francisco.
However you tell it, singular Sam Bass plays the cello while ravishing Robin Coomer unlimbers her fabulous
voice– it’s never clear just who is “accompanying” whom– while they simultaneously record loops of the music as
they produce it, and play and sing along with these loops as they go. It is fairly clear that their innovative use of the
newest looping technology enables them to create visceral compositions with strangely compelling emotional
power.
Nobody else does this– and nobody could sing like radiant Robin. Once you’ve heard them– well, we confess
to hearing them in our dreams sometimes. Now, Friday, April
17th you can also hear and see them at Yoshi’s (the S.F.
one, not the Oakland one). Yoshi’s San Francisco, if you’ve never been, is at 1330 Fillmore at Eddy, on the ground
floor
of the Fillmore Heritage Center. That’s on the front side of the building. If you drive there in a polluto-mobile,
valet parking is available, or just park yourself in the garage conveniently beneath the building. You’ll find the
entrance
on Eddy Street. Click on http://www.yoshis.com/sanfrancisco, you clickers.
LOOP! SCOOP: —Now it’s
available–
Loop! Station‘s newest CD,
Love vs. Love. We’re assuming that you have their other CDs. This one will
complete the set– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on
cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more
on all this at
www.loopthis.com — & support your local arts, if you’ve got the smarts… WORTHY OF NOTE: FILM FUN
Flash!
Kinky KrOB’s
Film Farm on the Bus ISN’T HAPPENING this upcoming Monday nite (April 30th). It’s just not
happening,
man!
Y’see, he took a break last wk. & now cheerful Chicken’s taking one out of town (NYC). But we
assure you, next
week (April
6th) kra-a-azy KrOB’s Movie Show on the Odeon Applause Bus will unroll as usual on
two separate screens, one in front & one in back, showing another delirious Double Feature en route to & on the way
back from a Mystery Fun Destination. Yeah! With KrOB’s Patented Eyenoise– our favorite part of th’ programme…
We
‘ll be there… The whole thing is a bargain– just ten measly bucks… with candy & booze served up by Film Farm’s
supreme Stewardess, slinky Spy Emerson. All Aboard! Meet in front of Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street at
6:30
PM
& board the Big Green Bus… WORTHY OF NOTE: FAINEANT FOLLIES: The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you
know what that means (or would like to), have we got a project for you! Go to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio.
Once you’re there, tune it to
107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a continuous
hour-and-forty-five minute specially engineered
dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running
24-7 on FM radio,
107.9 FM in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… WORTHY OF NOTE: Could be you saw how Stars
& Garters,
along with kompliant KrOB & devoted Dr. Hal, performing with curvaceous Claire Mack, Joyous Jessy
Roadkill
& Juniper-fresh Jessy Face(among others), put on a puppet-&-people segment based on the Hindenburg
Zeppelin Crash Disaster
@ the Lakehurst, N.J. Naval Air Station, with mind-breaking Special Effects, over at
Amnesia? Flash! There’s more at Amnesia– don’t forget! DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS! You
guessed it, Pilgrim–Diabolical Dr. Hal & the Band are roaring back! Once again the All-Stars— consonant Chicken,
jammin’ Jason, cool cat Chris Campbell and demented Dr. Hal are coming out of sequestration to do a music set–
this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St., between 19th & 20th-
on Sunday nite– April 19th. Come hear deft Dr. Hal
sing
with the band. We’re working up some new songs & old favorites, & we will wreak roccocco ‘n’ roll upon
you… Keep watching this space,
for more, 4 more’s in store…    

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs.

Pete Goldie blazes a trail as the show begins, detailing the Kepler Mission on March 11th (Pt. 1):

More of Blake’s Milton and a visit from Frank Chu swings the Show into magnum motion
March 11th (Pt. 2):

Pete Goldie peers at Comet 134340; Chicken’s recommendations on Baby & Child Care
start things March 4th (Pt. 1):

Satan’s panties & Superman’s orgasm are highlighted after more of Blake’s Milton March 4th (Pt. 2):

Making the best of a bad assignment, Dr. Hal improvises poetically on Politics & Economics
March 4th (Pt. 3):

Micturation apprehended is seen as a question, as is the Nature of the Conspiracy March 4th (Pt. 4):

The show launches with Chicken’s Monologue and Pete Goldie’s paideutic presentation; we
examine the surface of the planet Mars and look at active Neutron Stars February 25th (Pt. 1):

Midget cover bands, Hillbilly interference, and Frank Chu all contribute on February 25th (Pt. 2):

SubGenius propaganda leads the ADH onslaught on February 25th (Pt. 3):

The Skeleton in Armor closes the show with the saga of a Viking’s life and death on February 25th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The first part:

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal’s Wm. Blake recitation on February 18th
in (Pt. 2):

More of February 18th’s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB
Moment:

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail– unwrapped  –and welcomes Pete Goldie in the first
of two parts from ADH on February 11th (Pt. 1):

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly
(Pt. 2), more:

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th’s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th’s farandole (Pt. 3):

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

Peruse the second part of January 28th’s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th’s performance sensation (Pt. 3):

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel (Pt. 2):

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):

The second half of PUZZ-EV’s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):

Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th
(Pt. 2):

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
several questions.
Just go to:

See selected clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those !!?@#$%?!! cuss-words.
Go to:

For those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow in the mire of partisan politics from last year’s
endless-seeming Presidential election, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video
clip from the ADH Pirate Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance
of special guests Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint. Yowza! Go to:

See you Wednesday night! 

Ask Dr. Hal’s 20-20 Vision!

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

PLEASE IMPRESS ON YOUR BRAIN
THAT BUT 3 SHOWS REMAIN–
WE STRONGLY SUGGEST
YOU CATCH UP WITH THE REST!
–CAN YOU SEE YOUR WAY TO ATTENDING…
Ask Dr. Hal ‘s
20-20 Vision!
——ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–
WEDNESDAY, March 25th!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME– more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( C  H  E  A  P  ! ) N O   O N E   T U R N E D   A W A Y !   ( A   B A R G A I N ! )
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 20

“One final week remains in March’s demesne
Let trembling Spring her new-fledged blooms espouse;
Long winter-bound, the restive soul is keen
To hear some guy answer questions in a warehouse.”
— Ralph Fielding Snell, March’s Last Queries

THIS WEEK:
END IN SIGHT! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – 3 MORE SHOWS! – LAST SHOW IS APRIL 8th – RADIO REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS? – GIANT MIDGET ALLIGATOR VS. TINY 6-FT. HIGH GUY – DRAFTEE DAFFY – HUMPING HILLBILLIES BRING DR. HAL ‘S BLUSHES – FRANK CHU & YOU – CAPPY’S  MASTER PLAN – DR. PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM – HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – CHICKS WELL-SUITED – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – HELPING HOLLIS HOME – WORTHY OF NOTE: LOOP! STATION SENSATION – SPEAKEASY @ RITUAL SET FOR MARCH 26th – DR. HAL & PUPPETS TO ENACT HINDENBURG DIRIGIBLE DISASTER WITH STARS & GARTERS MARCH 29th @ AMNESIA – FASCIST PIGS HASSLE RIGHTEOUS DUDES; KrOB’S FILM FARM GOES DARK 1 WEEK, THEN RETURNS MARCH 30th WITH YET MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE FEATURES & MATCHING DESTINATIONS – HEAR COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE’S BROADCAST 24-7 ONLY IN UPPER DOLORES PARK VICINITY- DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS TO PLAY AT AMNESIA APRIL 19TH – YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NEWEST CLIPS –

I f you ‘d like to see the Ask Dr. Hal! Show at its current location– it’s on Cesar Chavez Street at the (mostly) red-painted Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret– now is the time. We’re getting a good crowd and are putting on some memorable performances. But… these shows are coming to an end. We’ll be doing– it’s official– THREE MORE SHOWS. Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He’s going to be leaving all of us in San Francisco as he goes off to Europe on April 21st– you can see our final episode on April 8th. It’s all so he can mess around installing cumbrous internal combustion engines from massive American cars in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” over there in Slovenia–and since the show these days takes place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be quite happy to keep on with a “guest host” (these same exact arrangements have been made successfully before), restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he’s away and unable to prevent them from invading, shuffling into the various rooms including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt-studs and collar stays, the sterling silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs,  dueling pistols, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers (he hates that), leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper and “borrowing” (more or less permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we’re (soon going to be) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce, we begin our dreaded…
COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! JUST 3 MORE PLAY DATES, THREE
final, dwindling opportunities remaining to experience the awe and mystery, the wonder, laughter and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, the ne plus ultra we like to call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE’LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF’s popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he exercised the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR’s chief factotum blew a gasket– and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to lay eyes on any of our moon-faced mugs again– in short, none of us can e’er return. No, not, at least, to that radio station…
FAINT GLIMMERS OF… HOPE?
There do exist a few evanescent wisps of hope that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken performances, even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself would say, “I shall try, Master– I shall try.” That’s what he’d say. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space– to see if the visionary, impractical idea of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope– or instead one with an ever-so-slight chance of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining run at Chez Poulet, we’re more determined than ever to make history in our own way. We’ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree or so further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he’s got a real never-before-seen, poetic and inspirational parable he wants to bring us this week, when the mandatory traditional Monster Clip will show you how a little guy with everything against him overcomes insurmountable odds, when …

KrOB, San Francisco, presents:
ATTACK OF THE GIANT DWARF ALLIGATOR!
This apparent tautology, Dr. Hal would like to reassure the public, is really only Truth in Advertising. As Einstein has revealed, Relativity is all. So the ‘gator in question, though a dwarf of his species (Alligator brobdingragensis), is from a place where everything is 12 times the size of all the animal and plant life we know. That place is the great peninsula of the land of the Giants, Brobdingnag in the language of its 72-foot-tall inhabitants (discovered, for those of you who haven’t read his edifying account of his voyages, by Lemuel Gulliver in 1703). Actually, as Captain Gulliver wrote a number of years later (in 1734) in a letter to his cousin Sympson, the first edition of his famous book contained many misprints and printer’s errors, and the place, located about a hundred and fifty miles north of San Francisco on his map, is really called Brobdingrag, a fact which may be new to some of our readers– but this is, after all, the printed record of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show. Now back to our alligator. About two and a half feet long in Brobdingnagian (or Brobdingragian) measure, the reptile looms about as large to the (six-foot) Englishman as would the prehistoric giant crocodilian Deinosuchus, formerly called, in the perpetually altering nomenclature of vertebrate paleontology, Phobosuchus. This huge beast was an ambush predator who was capable of rushing out of the water to seize and devour even the largest dinosaurs. So in this case our saurian antagonist, a 36-footer, represents quite a challenge for Mr. Gulliver, who at the time was only a ship’s surgeon and had not yet attained the rank of Captain, to defeat. Watch the beast hiss and lunge as the great jaws snap. You’ll see the giants, too, looming over the table where this all takes place. Yes, KrOB’s done it again. How does he keep up the stream of this stuff? In glorious non-computer-generated, non-digital stop-motion animation by Ray Harryhausen, one of the true inspirers of KrOB and Dr. Hal, incorporating exquisite music by the late Twentieth Century’s greatest composer, Bernard Hermann, and yet another in a series of unforgettable KrOB “Edits!” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if  you prefer to, and it’s up, which it hasn’t been lately, on our “size-challenged” screen). Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
As you have probably heard by now, just before every performance begins, we screen one of the great cartoons, masterpieces lovingly selected by KrOB. Last week’s entry was The Great Piggy Bank Robbery (1946), written by Warren Foster and animated by some of Warners’ best cartoon men: Izzy Ellis, Manny Gould, Bill Meléndez and Rod Scribner, and directed by Bob Clampett, whom we think turned out the best cartoons ever made. We like Clampett so much, in fact, that we’re breaking our usual rule (of presenting a sequential shuffle of studios, cartoons and directors), to bring him back this week as KrOB screens Draftee Daffy (January 27th, 1945). In this Clampett hilarity-fest, the duck struggles to avoid being served his conscription notice throughout the cartoon from “the Little Man from the Draft Board.” You see, there used to be a draft in this country; (male) citizens could be inducted into the Army at any time, whether they liked it or not, and not just in wartime. During the Viet Nam War, this nearly was the fate of Dr. Hal. Like Daffy, he too struggled to avoid conscription. Of course these days it’s a “volunteer” Army– but just try leaving. Anyway, this great cartoon, like others we’ve shown at Ask Dr. Hal!  has suffered, over the years, from censorship problems; these are not just various details which have often caused the film to be mutilated, but the entire cartoon was thought by some, particularly in the 1950’s, to be “deleterious to the (Korean) War Effort” and was consequently in some places fully suppressed. Well, friends, you won’t see the censor’s hand at work when we show it– we are, as always, taking pains to give you the whole thing, complete and uncut.  Oh, yes, we think everyone should see this cartoon, and the version we’re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture. By the bye– you must know by now that we’re trying to show you something wonderful here. So if you’re just going to socialize, and choose to ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor– and go outside and have a cigarette, or play in traffic. Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends…

” Daffy changes his tune from patriotic flag-waver to craven draft-dodger when he learns that the Little Man from the Draft Board is coming to pay him a visit. Daffy’s reaction when he learns of his induction status is the highlight of the cartoon; the implication slowly dawns on him. He spends the rest of the cartoon trying to avoid the Little Man, even resorting to attempted murder. (And to think, only a few years before, Daffy fought the Nazis in such cartoons as Daffy the Commando [1943] and Plane Daffy [1944].) Only Daffy could get away with such brazenly unpatriotic behavior during World War II, and only a director like Bob Clampett could pull it off and still keep the duck an appealing character… Another very funny and energetic Clampett cartoon. ”
–Markc65, International Movie Database
HEY, WE GOT…
HORN-DOG HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended high above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for their minimal share of his cavernous domain. It’s whispered that they pay not in money but in the product produced in their concealed “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too small. Even hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly known in non-Appalachian areas, including Missouri’s Ozark Mountains and the Current River Basin, as a reference used in describing socially backward people that fit certain “countrified,” (e.g. rural) characteristics, largely considered to be of Celto-cambrian (Scots-Irish) descent.In this context, it is often, though not always, derogatory. Although those in question may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, the word is preferred to such disparaging terms as, say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able to determine just how  many there are of these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters, backwoods bees, countrified cockroaches, yokel yellow mealworms, rusticated rice weevils, rube roundheaded apple tree borers, Podunk potato flea beetles or hick hog moths. When this happens, the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We’re used to it by now, of course, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to “ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s powers. Just last week, their trailer proved to be a little too intimately close to our stage, when the feuding rustic couple first embarrassed us all with the sounds, impossible to ignore, of a protracted knock-down drag-out domestic quarrel, and then those of its resolution by an equally noisy reconciliation, as the two canoodling country clodhoppers sensually segued from domestic violence into full-blown, frenzied copulation. Oh well, nothing like a good argument to clear the air on the home front, eh? It’s all we can do to continue when the whole clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we do– settle yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as the whole clan sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned varmint of ’em all, li’l Lucky.

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT FRANK CHU?
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 & 16). Like the original Norton, Frank is shown deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? We will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! You’ll see him there. See him right now, if you want, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our February 25th show (Part 2) by clicking on the link you’ll find in the column at the bottom of the Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years, provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J. (Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist. A cool customer– but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it.

PETE GOLDIE ‘S ON THE CASE– IN SPACE!
In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about  how just last week the Very Large Telescope took one of the best images ever of two galaxies locked in a slow motion, disruptive collision! And, the same retrieved picture has highlighted an unusual exploding star in that area of the night sky. The two colliding galaxies lie about 70 million light-years away in the constellation of Libra, the Scales. Their chaotic and very unusual structure is the result of the galactic close encounter. Although individual stars, characteristically at vast distances apart, are very unlikely to collide in such an event, the huge clouds of gas and dust in the galaxies are plowing into each other at high speed, leading to the formation of bright new clusters of very hot stars, which the new image lets us clearly see. Near them, astronomical observation has revealed an unusual exploding star, called SN 1995N, that is thought to be the result of the final collapse of a massive star at the end of its life, a so-called core collapse supernova. SN 1995N is out- of-the-ordinary because it has faded very slowly ­ the glow still shows clearly on the new image more than seven years after the explosion took place. It is also one of the few supernovae to have been observed to emit X-rays. It is thought that these unusual characteristics are a result of the exploding star being in a dense region of space so that the material blasted out from the supernova slams into it and creates X-rays. That’s our cosmos for you. And,despite the needlessly abusive sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the two forms or an unseemly eructation of copulating, screaming, roof- dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about it. Enjoy!

!!?@#$%?!! CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– all you !!?@#$%?!!s should come see the !!?@#$%?!! Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new location: my !!?@#$%?!! living room. It’s four !!?@#$%?!! guys doing !!?@#$%?!! improv, on 4 different ! !?@#$%?!! levels. It can be !!?@#$%?!! amazing, just !!?@#$%?!! amazing…”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, though it’s OK to drink, you need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it–and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

WEB SITE? RIGHT!
Visit www.askdrhal.com for more information than you need.

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID CAPURRO – ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS – CARTOONS – KrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME – OUR DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN! ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE HER. YES, IT’LL BE ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US– AND IS GONE– LONG GONE… ANYWAY, COME ALL, COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN…

SOCIAL NOTES
Dots & Dashes & Lots of Flashes! Flash! The role of the Giant Chicken was essayed by a new interpreter last Wed. as exquisite Emily first donned the yellow-feathered costume. A close friend of gatekeeper relentless Robert Levy, she joined the list of other vivacious volunteers, a list which includes comely “Chicken Dawn” Stott, who was present in an advisory capacity… The Odeon Cocaine All-Stars’ drummer, charismatic Chris Campbell was also among us, as was poet blazing Blake More; we hope to see more of them while they sojourn in this burg… Juniper-fresh Justin Credible also adorned the Parade of Pulchritude, enlivening the eve with her generous donatives of Church Air & high-quality queries… Other ultra-attractive attendees included cannabis-activist sizzling Sonjia Miles, cute Claire, provocative Pam Pearson & memorable mother-daughter team malapert Mable Syrup & radiant Rhiannon Charisse… The gents also ponied up for ADH; jocund Jason (let’s hope he enjoyed the evening & didn’t feel “fleeced”), the very un-callous Calder Daenzer (call us), jovial Jimmy Cross, pie-eyed Paul Pot (thanx for the vegetation) brawny Bram & the usual manly mavens, not discounting persistent Puzzling Evidence, shooting us for You Tube (see far below) right from the first row… Flash! HANDS OUT TO HOLLIS: The fundraising continues, all to provide financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in India & still in need of funds tho’ now in Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th’ community has raised almost 100 grand in just the past few daze… Trouble is, they need 200K in all. They do have the 1st half, & she’s made the transition to the U.S. You can take part & donate– keep in touch with the latest developments at http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or donate thru paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com –the Friends of Hollis will thank you. And remember, you’ll be a member… WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in the Noosphere… Flash! LOOP! SCOOP: –Now it’s available– Loop! Station’s newest CD, Love vs. Love. We’re assuming that you have their other CDs. This one will complete the set– so if you’re a fan of resplendent Robin Coomer & sterling Sam Bass– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more on all this at www.loopthis.com — & support your local arts while they’re still local… WORTHY OF NOTE: Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street, will be hosting the Variety Show to Die For the night of Thursday, March 26th, the night after the last ADH Show of March… It’s SPEAKEASY, a fun(d)-raiser to send associated artists to Europe with “Columbus” Chicken John. Your own dauntless Dr. Hal will be performing in that show more than once… ESPECIALLY WORTHY OF NOTE: FILM FUN Flash! Kinky KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus ISN’T HAPPENING this upcoming Monday nite (Mar. 23rd)– he & cautious Chicken are taking a breather… Why? Well, back on Monday, March, 16th, the faithful met in front of Ritual Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street at 6:30 PM & boarded the Big Green Bus. then away we all went as “Captain” Chicken piloted the famed vehicle. ‘Twas a cool trip, as kra-a-azy KrOB’s Movie Show unrolled as usual on two separate screens, one in front & one in back, showing the first picture of the Double Feature, The Incredibly Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies (Dir: rogue Ray Dennis Steckler, a.k.a. corny “Cash Flagg,” 1964), on the way out to our destination, which that nite was the Casino Arcade at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk and the deserted amusement park… The return voyage featured the babe-a-licious Orgy of the Dead (Dir: amoral A.C. Stephens, 1965) written by egregious Edward D. Wood, Jr. & just as bad as that implies, with clammy Criswell in a studio-set “graveyard” watching dispirited strippers endlessly wriggling their exposed bazooms on & on…& on… to bongo-drum “beatnik” music… But we arrived a little early back at the starting point, when (1.) easy-on-the-eyes Ena Dallas, fab Flag Girl of Xtra Action Marching Band fame & glory, who was being squired that nite by randy Roky Roulette, slipped off the becalmed bus, which was still showing the movie, to pee in the street, since no “facilities” were immediately available at that hr. –But too bad that a Valencia St. cop got an eyeful– aroused, the bellicose bull bulled over & whipped out his… ticket book, & started writing the magnifique & delicious Miss Dallas a hefty tickee… While this Outrage to Personal Liberty was in progress, (2.) said flatfoot’s pop- eyed partner suddenly glimmed the bosom-bared, udderly beautiful antics still playing on the screen inside the bus– and (apparently) flipped out, demanding that criminal Chicken cease & desist forthwith, i.e. shut down the unbearably ob-seen show… So, we never got to the end of the movie… Krestfallen KrOB & chastened Chicken are gonna lie low this week– no movie, no bus trip… But don’t worry, folks– Flash! They plan to be back the next week (Monday, March 30th) for another all-new Film Farm show. Keep watching this space & we’ll let you know what’s on the bill the  the moment we get the skinny. There will be 2 movies on 2 screens– a Mystery Destination, candy & booze served up by Film Farm’s supreme Stewardess, slinky Spy Emerson. Also featuring krazy KrOB’s Patented Eyenoise– our favorite part of th’ programme… We’ll be there… The whole thing is a bargain– just ten measly bucks… WORTHY OF NOTE: FAINEANT FOLLIES: The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you know what that means (or would like to), have we got a project for you! Go to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio. Once you’re there, tune it to 107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a continuous hour-and-forty-five minute specially engineered dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… WORTHY OF NOTE: Could be you saw the Apocalypse Puppet Theatre @ Amnesia this last Sun. Pretty good stuff, eh? Well, Flash! More Puppets are headed your way for the follow-up show, March 29th, also @ Amnesia, as  Stars & Garters unlimbers another super-colossal extravaganza… Dr. Hal will be in that show, performing with curvaceous Claire Mack and Joyous Jessy Roadkill (among others) in a puppet-&-people segment based on the Hindenburg Zeppelin Crash Disaster @ the Lakehurst, N.J. Naval Air Station. SEE puppets enact this most famous of air crashes… Mind-breaking Special Effects… Flash! More at Amnesia– DR. HAL & THE ODEON COCAINE ALL-STARS! You guessed it, Pilgrim– Dr. Hal & the band are back! Once again the All-Stars are coming out of sequestration to do a music set– this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St., between 19th & 20th– on Sunday nite– April 19th. We’re working up some new songs & old favorites, & we will roll you… Keep watching this space, for more, & still more…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! –on You Tube! It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click, on these handy URLs.

Pete Goldie blazes a trail as the show begins, detailing the Kepler Mission on March 11th (Pt. 1):

More of Blake’s Milton and a visit from Frank Chu swings the Show into magnum motion March 11th (Pt. 2):

Pete Goldie Peers at Comet 134340; Chicken’s recommendations on Baby & Child Care start things March 4th (Pt. 1):

Satan’s panties & Superman’s orgasm are highlighted after more of Blake’s Milton March 4th (Pt. 2):

Making the best of a bad assignment, Dr. Hal improvises poetically on Politics & Economics March 4th (Pt. 3):

Micturation apprehended is seen as a question, as is the Nature of the Conspiracy March 4th (Pt. 4):

The show launches with Chicken’s Monologue and Pete Goldie’s paideutic presentation; we examine the surface of the planet Mars and look at active Neutron Stars February 25th (Pt. 1):

Midget cover bands, Hillbilly interference, and Frank Chu all contribute on February 25th (Pt. 2):

SubGenius propaganda leads the ADH onslaught on February 25th (Pt. 3):

The Skeleton in Armor closes the show with the saga of a Viking’s life and death on February 25th (Pt. 4):

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The first part:

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal’s Wm. Blake recitation on February 18th in (Pt. 2):

More of February 18th’s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB Moment:

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail and welcomes Pete Goldie in the first of two parts from ADH on February 11th (Pt. 1):

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly (Pt. 2), more:

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th’s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th’s farandole (Pt. 3):

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

Peruse the second part of January 28th’s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th’s performance sensation (Pt. 3):

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year January 14th (Pt. 1):

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month marvel (Pt. 2):

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s Eve) December 31st (Pt. 1):

The second half of PUZZ-EV’s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th performance (Pt. 1):

Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th (Pt. 2):

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to several questions.
Just go to:

See selected clips from November 19th’s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those !!?@#$%?!! cuss-words.
Go to:

For those who would like to indulge themselves in one final wallow in the muck of partisan politics from last year’s endless-seeming Presidential election, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint. Yowza! Go to:

See you Wednesday night!

ASK Dr. HAL’S 19th (W)Hole!

Tuesday, March 17th, 2009

MARCH’S THIRD SHOW
WE NOW SHOOT FROM OUR BOW;
THE TARGET WE ‘LL HIT–
AND BUDDY, YOU ‘RE IT!

–A BUCOLIC BULL’S EYE WE CALL…
Ask Dr. Hal ‘s
19th Nonpareil!

——ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–
               WEDNESDAY, March 18th!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME– more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( C  H  E  A  P  ! )

N O   O N E   T U R N E D   A W A Y !

( A   B A R G A I N ! )
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 19

Yea, welcome March! and though I die ere June,
Yet for the hope of life
I give thee praise,
Striving to swell the burden of the tune
That even now
I hear thy brown birds raise,
                        — William Morris, March: An Ode


THIS WEEK:
END IN SIGHT! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM 4 MORE SHOWS! – LAST SHOW IS APRIL 8th – RADIO REJECTS – CHICKEN vs. MONKEY – GRASPING AT STRAWS? – SINISTER SUPER-ARTHROPOD RANTS, MENACES EARTH THE GREAT PIGGY-BANK ROBBERY CAPPY’S  MASTER PLAN – PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – GIANT CHICKEN HAS HYBRID CHIMERA BUDDY, THE DREAD
GORILLICKEN (OR CHICKILLA ) – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE HELPING HOLLIS HOME – LOOP! STATION SENSATION – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS WITH MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE
FEATURES & MATCHING DESTINATIONS
THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE CREATURES WHO STOPPED LIVING & BECAME MIXED-UP ZOMBIES ORGY OF THE DEAD COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE CHICKEN & HAL TO HIT AMNESIA – YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE PUZZO’S NEWEST CLIPS –

FOR THE TIME BEING, 

the Ask Dr. Hal! Show is still playing on Cesar Chavez

Street at the (mostly) red-painted Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret. We always get a good crowd and are
putting on some memorable performances. But… these shows are coming to an end.
We will be doing–
it’s official– FOUR MORE SHOWS.
Who says so? Why, Chicken John. He‘s going to be leaving all of us in
San Francisco as he goes gallivanting off to Europe on April 21st– you can see our final performance on
April 8th. It’s all so he can mess around installing cumbrous internal combustion engines from massive
American cars
in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” over there in Slovenia–and since the show these days takes
place in his house, though everyone else in our cast would be quite happy to keep on with a “guest host”
(these same exact arrangements have been made successfully before), restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a
crowd of people there while he‘s away and unable to prevent them from invading, shuffling into the various rooms including his atelier and sanctum sanctorum, stealing his shirt studs and collar stays, the good silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through
his drawers, leaving fingerprints on the wallpaper and “borrowing” (permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. that’s it; So, we’re (soon going to be) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce, we begin our dreaded…

COUNTDOWN TO DOOM! JUST 4

more play dates, four more opportunities remaining to experience the awe and
mystery, the wonder and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, we call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE‘LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB,
even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF’s
popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our
radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us
despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he
exercised
the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR‘s chief factotum blew a
gasket–
and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to lay
eyes
on any of our fatuous fat-cheek’d faces again–
in short, none of us can e’er return. No, not to that
radio station…

FAINT GLIMMERS OF HOPE?
There do exist a few evanescent wisps of hope that we yet may do some sort of post-Chicken
performances,
even some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment
prematurely.
As mighty KrOB Sabrepop himself would tell you, You look like a pooped-out
pinwheel!”
That’s what he‘d say. So, we have only to say, keep watching this space– to see if the idea
of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope– or instead one with an ever-so-slight
chance
of becoming real. Meanwhile, in our remaining run at Chez Poulet, we‘re more determined than
ever
to make history in our own way. We‘ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always
refining it a degree or so further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will.
KrOB’s on the job, as always, brewing up new surprises. And he‘s got a real never-before-seen
spectacular
this week, when the traditional obligatory Monster Clip will introduce you to a fiendish invader
from outer space
and beyond, when …

KrOB, San Francisco, introduces:
THE HIDEOUS COSMIC BLOWHARD!
No, not Dr. Hal. A loquacious giant arthropod with an aggressive, intractable attitude and an appetite for
destruction.Yet another in a series of unforgettable KrOBEdits!” Scientific! Educational! View it all on
our Giant Screen (or, if  you prefer to, on our “size-challenged” screen). But, before that…

WE START… WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON!

 It’s our pleasure– and, we hope, yours. Just before every performance begins, we screen one of the great cartoons, masterpieces lovingly selected by KrOB. Last week’s entry was The Mechanical Monsters (1941), one of the cream of the Fleischers’ Superman series (though, unaccountably, Chicken didn’t care for it– but you
can’t please everybody, we guess. He may like this week’s selection better, perhaps); it’s one of our favorites, and the work of our all-time favorite cartoon director at Warner Bros. (or anywhere else). It’s The Great Piggy Bank Robbery (1946). It was directed by Bob Clampett, written by Warren Foster and animated by some of Warners’ best cartoon men: Izzy Ellis, Manny Gould, Bill Melendez and Rod Scribner. Like any Clampett
cartoon, TGPBR contains enough fast-paced gags to fill a hundred other cartoons. It’s wildly inventive– Daffy
Duck
,
hunting his purloined piggy bank, becomes “Duck Twacy,” and even if you‘ve never seen Chester Gould‘s
iconic newspaper strip, the source of this parody (come to think of it, this is sadly likely, as today the
uninformed viewer, kept in a state of ignorance by corporate fiat, probably indeed never read Dick Tracy, and
is more likely to be familiar with derivative, limited-animation Japanese cartoons than with these truly superior
American
short films), you‘ll still be dazzled by its endless inventiveness and energy. John Kricfalusi, the
creator of Ren & Stimpy, has named this as his favorite cartoon. Like others we‘ve shown at Ask Dr. Hal! it has
suffered, over the years, from censorship problems; when this cartoon recently aired on the WB Network TV
shows Bugs ‘n Daffy and “The Daffy Duck Show”, the scene of Daffy locking all the criminals in a closet,
blasting them
with his Thompson submachine gun, and all of the criminals falling out in rapid succession– was
cut for being “too violent” –it’s a freakin’ cartoon, for Gobbs’ sake! (It should be of note that this censored scene
is said to be Kricfalusi’s favorite.) But really, these are details which have often caused the film to be mutilated or
entirely suppressed. Well, friends, you won’t see the censor‘s hand at work when we show it– we are, as always,
taking pains to give you the whole thing, complete and uncut.  Oh, yes, we think everyone should see this
cartoon,
and the version we‘re showing comes from a pristine, absolutely perfect print. So join us at the good old
Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure
of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished
popular culture.
By the bye– you must know by now that we‘re trying to show you something wonderful here.
If
you‘re just going to socialize and ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else a favor and go
outside and have a cigarette, or play in traffic.
Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the
very moment
the cartoon ends…

” …Bob Clampett‘s forever priceless The Great Piggy Bank Robbery is clearly a work of the highest cinematic
poetry, for prompting the film’s manic hilarity are a sequence of images that remain among the most indelible
in cartoon history.”

–(Animation historian) Steve Schneider, The 50 Greatest Cartoons: As Selected by 1,000 Animation Professionals

BURBLING, BULBOUS BUG FROM BEYOND!
Now KrOB has really done it. He‘s got hold of
a monster never seen before at our show, including all other runs
during all those years. A monster so hideous, so squirm-inducing, so biologically fabulous that you will never
forget
the night
its loathsome visage seared its way into your violated consciousness. (You will also wish it would
just shut up,
as this particular monster perpetually orates, employing bombast that would suit a Marvel Comics
villain
scripted by Stan Lee at his most irritating.) It has an enormous head covered in spikes and pincers, cavernous
jaws filled with multiple rows of teeth, some of which are capable of independent movement, insect-like legs, a
dinosaur-sized, scorpion-esque body, two giant pincers each containing refractile, fleshy tentacles and a
twin-pronged, wriggling abdomen which suggests a demented earwig. And, as previously noted, it runs off at the
mouth. It‘s here to exterminate humanity and occupy the Earth with others of its kind, but is defeated by a midget in
a duck suit driving a kiddy car. Wonderful, artful stop-motion animation directed by Phil Tippett and supervised by
Harry Walton, performed by Tom St. Amand. What other night club show would present this as an attraction? A
KrOB Monster Edit to stand with “Monster Snake Coffee Break” and the other Greatest Hits in the KrOB Pantheon of
Monsters.
Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal.

HEY, WE GOT…
HUNG-OVER HILLBILLIES– THE PO’BUCKET FAMILY!
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer
suspended high above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the alcoholic
Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for
their minimal share of his cavernous domain. It’s whispered that they pay not in money but in the product produced  n their concealed “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly known in
non-Appalachian areas, including Missouri‘s Ozark Mountains and the Current River Basin, as a reference used in
describing socially backward people that fit certain “countrified,” (e.g. rural) characteristics, largely considered to be
of Celto-cambrian (Scots-Irish) descent.In this context, it is often, though not always, derogatory. Although those in
question may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, the word is preferred to such disparaging terms as,
say, white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able
to determine just how  many there are of these folks at Chicken‘s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an
ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of
Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters, backwoods bees, countrified cockroaches, yokel yellow
mealworms
, rusticated rice weevils, rube roundheaded apple tree borers or Podunk potato flea beetles. When this
happens, the show, we should warn you, may suffer a momentary interruption. We‘re used to it by now, of course, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to “ignore this bucolic brood,” as that is truly beyond anyone’s powers, when the whole clan suddenly erupts forth with rowdy èlan, often in mid-show. Just surrender to the okie-fied inevitable– we do– settle yourself in for the down-home shivaree, as the  whole trailer-full sets in a-pickin’ and a-grinnin’ –and proffer a
big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units
“Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course), the smallest con-sarned
varmint of ’em all, li’l
Lucky.

MIRABILE DICTU IT’S YOU, FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back!
And we‘ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to
deliver his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal
Report,
Vol. IX, Nos. 14, 15 & 16). Like the original Norton, Frank is shown deference by the discriminating,
given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? We will always welcome Frank Chu at
Ask Dr. Hal! You‘ll see him there. See him right now, if you want, in the Puzzling Evidence video clip of our
February 25th show
(Part 2) by clicking on the link you‘ll find in the column at the bottom of the Dr. Hal Report.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro,
a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist. A cool
customer–
but he really lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question
at Ask Dr. Hal! and get Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he
always succeeds. He sure can do it. So he does it.

PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
In what some consider the best part of our show, ADH Science expert Pete Goldie leads attendees through the
endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this
week
too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey,
kids!
Ask Pete about how for the first time in five years, the International Space Station had to change course last
Wednesday to avoid a piece of space junk — in this case, satellite debris that the Russians insist wasn’t there!  Well, a piece
of somebody’s disintegrating satellite almost larruped the Space Station a good one. Luckily,
they got out of the way just in time. And it seems the course-correcting maneuver, which nade ingenious use of the engines aboard the European Space Agency’s Automated Transfer Vehicle, or ATV, now docked at the Russian end of the station, was enacted flawlessly.
However, as a result of the thruster firing, now the space station’s 18,000-mph progress around Earth has been slowed
by about 2 mph, which will result in lowering the height of its orbit by about a mile, possibly into a zone of even more potential collisions with
hurtling space garbage traveling at bullet-fast speeds. Of course, the ATV was already being prepared to separate early next month. Ground-based controllers had planned to put the craft through a variety of tests during three weeks of solo flight before “safely” plunging it into the atmosphere somewhere over the South Pacific. And, despite the
needlessly abusive
sallies of
Chicken, as sure as Entropy,  Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken, a monstrous cross-species hybrid of the two forms or an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about this potentially god-awful disaster far above our unprotected heads. Enjoy!

!?@#$%?!! CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– all you !!?@#$%?!!s should come see the !!?@#$%?!! Ask Dr. Hal! Show in a brand new
location: my !!?@#$%?!! living room. It’s four !!?@#$%?!!
guys doing !!?@#$%?!! improv, on 4 different !
!?@#$%?!!
levels. It can be !!?@#$%?!! amazing, just !!?@#$%?!! amazing…

NOT A BARBUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, though it’s OK to drink, you
need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to BRING ALCOHOL. Of course, good questions will still be
rewarded
in the traditional manner with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how Paul
Pot
and David “Cappy” Capurro (see above) do it–and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

THE ASK DR. HAL! SHOW – FEATURING FRANK CHU – CHICKEN JOHN – DR. HAL – KrOB – PETE GOLDIE – DAVID
CAPURRO
ALL QUESTIONS CHEERFULLY ANSWERED – BARDIC RECITATIONS – FERNET GIVEAWAYS –
CARTOONSKrOB MONSTER CLIP EDITS – WITH OUR VERY SPECIAL GUESTS THOSE ROOF-DWELLING
HILLBILLIES THE “PO’BUCKETS” – DONATION TEN DOLLARS OR SO – AS CLOSE AS YOU THINK YOU CAN COME –
OUR
DROP DEAD GORGEOUS DOOR-GIRL WILL TAKE YOUR MONEY AND STEAL YOUR HEART AS YOU CROSS
HER PALM & OUR THRESHOLD. MAN! ISN’T SHE LOVELY? WELL– ALL RIGHT, WE ADMIT IT– IT WON’T BE SHE.
YES, IT’LL BE
ROBERT LEVY. YOU SEE, THAT DOOR-GIRL GOT WISE TO US— AND IS GONE– LONG GONE…
ANYWAY, COME
ALL, COME ONE, NEW SHOW, NEW RUN…

SOCIAL NOTES
GETTING OUT OF HAND: “Piazzi” Pete Goldie had not one but two giant chickens in his act last Wed.; 2 much of a
good thing? ‘Specially since one of ’em was indeed a Thing– a chicken-bodied, gorilla-headed monstrosity
capering on (or capon-ing in) with the Sponsor’s Product(s). If we needed to see a sight like that, consuming a barrel
o’ sauerkraut & chok’lit ice cream before we turn in wd. do th’ trick. Look, prankish Pete– enuff is enuff… CANDLE
SCANDAL:
Flash! Now we have the know-how to know now it’s a no-no to lean back in your seat at the show if one
of those candles
is directly behind you, as one flammable ADH attendee found out to her tonsorial terror– the smell
of burned hair lingered a while… At least she gets to inaugurate a new hair style, full in the front, spare in the back…
now we style hair too? Serially, folks, we always did worry abt. those little flames, & argified incessantly with th’
landlord, Mister “reckless” Rinaldi, that it might be a safety issue. We expect th’ lawsuit any day now… WOWED
CROWD:
Dapper Don Bruce, peripatetic Paul de Jong, redoubtable Rev. Chip & neighborly Nemo joined jewel-bright
Julie Holabird, divine Dawn Stott & radiant Rhiannon Charisse among others to ask a set of queries that actually
made a good show… Also on hand was poet Delphic Donald Sidney-Fryer, visiting from Los Angeles. The “last of the
courtly poets,”
doughty Don was in town to perform a reading of his new book,The Atlantis Fragments (we got ours!)
last Sun. @ Borderlands books on Valencia… HANDS OUT TO HOLLIS: The fundraising continues, all to provide
financial help for our pal, Junkyard siren honey-haired Hollis Hawthorne, injured in a motorcycle mishap in India &
needing funds to get into Stanford Medical Hospital on these shores. Sofar, th’ community has raised more than
50
grand
in just the past few daze… You can take part & donate– keep in touch with the latest developments at
http://friendsofhollis.blogspot.com/ –or donate thru paypal @ elizastrack@gmail.com –the Friends of Hollis will
thank you. And remember, you’ll be a member… WORTHY OF NOTE: Updates on Upcoming Uphevals Here– & in
the Noosphere… LOOP! SCOOP: —Now it’s available– Loop! Station‘s newest CD,
Love vs. Love. We’re assuming
that you have their other CDs. This one will complete the set– so if you’re a fan of resplendent Robin Coomer &
sterling Sam Bass– get it at Fry’s Electronics– or right here, by clicking on
cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get
more on all this at
www.loopthis.com— & support your local arts while they’re still local… FILM FUN: Monday-Nite
Blahs
getting you down? KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus is back! Yes, this Monday, March, 16th, meet in front of Ritual
Roasters, 1026 Valencia Street
at 6:30 PM (note time change) & board the Big Green Bus. then hold on for the
ride
of your life
as “Columbus” Chicken pilots the famed vehicle, while kra-a-azy KrOB’s Movie Show unrolls on two
separate screens,
one
in front & one in back. Each show’s a Double Feature– first screened will be
The Incredibly
Strange Creatures who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-up Zombies
(Dir: rogue Ray Dennis Steckler, a.k.a.
corny “Cash Flagg,” 1964)– a good movie to watch while on a speeding, lurching bus–
followed by the
babe-a-licious
Orgy of the Dead (Dir: amoral A.C. Stephens, 1965) written by egregious Edward D. Wood, Jr. & just
as bad
as that implies, with clammy Criswell in a studio-set “graveyard” watching dispirited strippers endlessly
wriggling their exposed bazooms on & on…& on… to bongo-drum “beatnik” music. You can’t miss this one.
Udderly beautiful… Also featuring krazy KrOB’s Patented Eyenoise– our favorite part of th’ programme… This time
the ol’ APPLAUSE bus rolls out to the Casino Arcade at the Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk for some games, new
and old, maybe with time to check out lively Laughing Sal, do some Bowling Alley Karaoke, or just take a chance
to stroll through the deserted amusement park. Cool!
We’ll all be back ’round Midnite. The whole thing is a
bargain– just ten measly bucks…
FAINEANT FOLLIES:
The Era of Nonchalance is at hand! If you know what that
means (or would like to), have we got a project for you! Go to Dolores Park at any time. Bring a radio. Once you’re
there,
tune it to 107.9 FM. Yes, when you’re in upper Dolores Park, you can listen to a continuous hour-and-forty-
five minute specially engineered
dynamic Dr. Hal broadcast (there called Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM
radio,
107.9 FM in (((stereo))). And it doesn’t stop there… SING ALONG WITH CHICKEN & HAL: Once again daring
Dr. Hal & crazy Chicken will do a music set– this time at Amnesia, 853 Valencia St., between 19th & 20th-
on
Sunday nite– April 19th. We’re working up some new songs & old favorites, & we will rock you… Keep watching
this space
for more relentless revelationz…

 AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute?
Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can!
Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal!on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs.

The show launches with Chicken‘s Monologue and Pete Goldie‘s paideutic presentation; we
examine the surface of the planet Mars and look at active Neutron Stars
February 25th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yqnnBW8CH1E&feature=related

Midget cover bands, Hillbilly interference, and Frank Chu all contribute on February 25th (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ua0rpp16PPY&feature=email

SubGenius propaganda leads the ADH onslaught on February 25th (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVXXSfHV8xc&feature=related

The Skeleton in Armor closes the show with the saga of a Viking’s life and death on February 25th (Pt. 4):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y9hdIKnAgtE&feature=related

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The first part:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAxJj1PhMgE&feature=related

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal‘s Wm. Blake recitation on February 18th
in (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuEZoR8AaHw&feature=email

More of February 18th‘s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB
Moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M43OesL3lsk&feature=related 

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail and welcomes Pete Goldie in the first
of two parts from ADH on
February 11th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl4jZ7OZBFU&feature=channel_page

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly
(
Pt. 2), more:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D24ZWSxMMg&feature=channel_page

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th‘s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7rC4Vv5N6w&feature=channel

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7rC4Vv5N6w&feature=channel

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2doUT-QvQI&feature=channel

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th‘s farandole (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJHi3p97J18&feature=channel_page

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IloOn7o1F0&feature=channel

Peruse the second part of January 28th‘s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02c1-y1RV_M&feature=email

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th‘s performance sensation (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI1vYal4Z_0&feature=related

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZGpuy-4Il0&feature=channel

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel
(Pt. 2):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYkU7VLEQKE&feature=related

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJbgPrD_Jfc&feature=related

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYhqbSmn30M&feature=related

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve)
December 31st (Pt. 1):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2uUR1GJgQI&feature=channel_page

The second half of PUZZ-EV‘s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2): 


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EITPiw4XPw8&feature=channel_page

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJO2i73RR-Y&feature=channel

MORE URL’S BELOW IN Vol. IX, No. 18!

SEE YOU WEDNESDAY!

ASK DR. HAL’s 17th Prime Number!

Monday, March 2nd, 2009

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE FIRST OF OUR SHOWS
THIS MONTH–  A SUPER-SPECTACLE WE CALL…
Ask Dr. Hal’s 17-Gun-Salute!
——ARE YOU MISSING THESE PERFORMANCES? —–

WEDNESDAY, March 4th!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME— more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN– Admission: $ 10-ISH
( C  H  E  A  P  ! )

N O   O N E   T U R N E D   A W A Y !

( A   B A R G A I N ! )
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness.

Just on the edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX                                                                 No. 17

“March is the month of expectation,
The things we do not know,
The
Persons of Prognostication
Are coming now.
We try to sham becoming firmness,
But pompous joy
Betrays
us, as his first betrothal
Betrays
a boy.”
                                           Emily Dickinson, XLVIII

THIS WEEK:
END IN SIGHT! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM RADIO REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS – THE LAND UNKNOWN BABY BOTTLENECKCLAMPETT  FOREVER – CAPPY’S  MASTER PLAN – PETE GOLDIE’S STARRY WISDOM – GAMMA RAY BURSTS – HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – …FRENCH KISSING THE DOG… – KrOB’S FILM FARM RETURNS; MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE FEATURES,
MATCHING DESTINATIONS –
COMMANDER 14 OF NONCHALANCE – JOHN LAW & THE SPACE BETWEEN ROBIN & SAM SLAY ‘EM – BUY LOVE vs. LOVE YOKED EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE PUZZO’S NEWEST CLIPS –

IT’S ALWAYS a rare privilege to perform the Ask Dr. Hal! Show. And we do try to please.But these shows are coming to an end. Who says so? Chicken John. He‘s going off to play with boats in Europe— to mess around installing cumbrous internal combustion engines from massive American
cars
in tippy-tippy Euro-“Art Boats” –and since the show these days takes place in his house, there’s a problem. Though everyone else in our cast would be quite happy to keep on with a “guest host” (such arrangements have been made successfully before), restive Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he‘s away and unable to prevent them from invading, shuffling into the various rooms including
his sanctum sanctorum, stealing his good silverware, his collections of Fabergé eggs, gilded snuff-boxes and framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers and “borrowing” (permanently) his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we‘re (soon going to be) out of there, it’s been swell, and now, perforce, we begin our dreaded…

COUNTDOWN TO DOOM!
It’s still not clear
how many shows are left in this cycle. Certainly we‘ll run through March, maybe do a
few
in April. Who knows? Not Chicken, not yet. But when he firms up his plans, we will let you know
right in this space the exact diminishing number of opportunities remaining to experience the awe and
mystery, the wonder and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, we call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE‘LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB,
even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF’s
popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our
radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us
despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he
exercised
the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR‘s chief factotum blew a
gasket–
and now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to see
any of our miserable mugs again–
in short, none of us can e’er return.
FAINT GLIMMERS OF HOPE?
There do exist a few slight shadows of hope for doing some sort of post-Chicken performances, even
some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty
KrOB Sabrepop himself would tell you, “That was no “Boating Accident.” So we have only to say, keep
watching this space
to see if the idea of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope–
or instead one with an ever-so-slight chance of becoming real. Meanwhile, we‘re determined to make
history
in our own way. We‘ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree
or so
further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. KrOB’s on the job,
as always, brewing up new surprises. And he‘s got a real winner this week, when the traditional obligatory
Monster Clip will transport you to a hidden world of primordial terrors, as…

KrOB, San Francisco, introduces:
THE LAND UNKNOWN!
Oversized Monitor Lizards! Man-eating carnivorous plants! The strangest-looking Tyrannosaurus you
have ever seen! In a hidden sub-Antarctic world, hapless humans contend with giant reptiles of the past.
Now KrOB takes you to an unsuspected concealed biota below the Arctic ice cap. Dinosaurs, plesiosaurs,
pterodactyls
and yes, even huge, man-munching plants are the real stars. Hidden and implicit in all such
stories of lost prehistoric lands, we belive, is the implication and sure knowledge of the eternal presence
of the past, which, seen here as a trap or predicament to be escaped from, is never really (though apparently
overtly “over”). We do have to admit, they really are an odd-looking bunch of funny-looking critters this time,
though. Yes, just get an eyeload of what the indefatigable KrOB‘s prepared for this week! Another iteration in
a series of unforgettable KrOBEdits!” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if  you
prefer to, on our “size-challenged” screen). Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal. But, before that…

WE START…  WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
That’s right– we do.
Just before every performance begins, we screen one of the great animated cartoons,
hand-made masterpieces
lovingly selected by KrOB. Eight minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed
to film, like last week’s entry, when we brought you, as promised, one of the best works of the legendary Tex
Avery.
But now, KrOB gleefully presents another by our all-time favorite cartoon director, the late Bob Clampett.
On deck is Baby Bottleneck (1946). Here’s the set-up: Porky Pig & Daffy Duck are hard at work in the Baby
Factory. You
know, that industrial plant where all the babies are manufactured. But, wouldn’t you know it, there
are… production problems. In fact, things go very wrong… Spoiler alert! Clampett’s cartoons were the hippest
thing back in their day, and swarm with pop-culture references which now need to be translated for the unknowing.
When, at the end, for example, Mrs. Gorilla, in the African jungle, is delivered an extremely strange baby from the
factory, she gets on the phone right away and calls the “Mr. Anthony Show.” This was a radio show where callers
phoned in their questions and, saying the line, “Mr. Anthony, I have a problem!” they then had them answered on
the air. Kind of like… like… well, like the Ask Dr. Hal! Show! Just clearing that up.Simply, it’s a great cartoon. As in
the rest of this director’s work, though, it runs into censorship problems in today’s namby-pamby age. Even if you
somehow get to watch it somewhere– and good luck with that, since those who turn out today’s animation keep
this stuff from being shown, certain scenes are almost always snipped by the goody-goodys, for your “protection.”
For example, the scene of the Stork getting drunk, really bombed (at the Stork Club, natch). Or when the baby
alligator
is mis-routed to Mrs. Pig, rears back and goes for her nipples with snapping, toothy jaws, Mrs. Pig leans
right over and says… but why give anything more away? KrOB will show the whole thing. We sneer at censors at
Ask Dr. Hal! So join us at the good old Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to
catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it
all down
) mostly vanished popular culture. You must know by now that we‘re trying to show you something
wonderful here. If
you‘re just going to socialize and ignore the cartoon while we run it, do us and everyone else
a favor and go outside and have a cigarette.
Remember, though, the rest of our show will start right up at the very
moment
the cartoon ends.

…among the most moving and creatively inspired of all cartoons.”
                                      
John Kricfalusi

“The acting and gags here walk hand in hand, and come off as being effortless- what skill!  …After the cartoon
ended,
I was out of breath, I was
reeling from what I had just seen. I decided there that I had just seen the most
amazing cartoon ever! …The point
I’m getting to is… for those of you that have not seen this particular cartoon-
DON’T JUST SIT THERE! Go watch it, for crying out loud!
–Kali Fontecchio, Old Men with Kazoos & Beating Drums

HEY, WE GOT…
HOVERING HILLBILLIES !
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer
suspended above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rusticated
Po’bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for
their minimal share of his cavernous domain. It’s whispered that they pay not in money but in the product produced
in their concealed “meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this absurd canard– that trailer’s just too small. Even
hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in
non-Appalachian areas as a reference in describing socially backward people that fit certain rusticated
characteristics.
In this context, it is often, though not always, derogatory. Although the described persons may not
reside in a region that has hills of any kind, it is substituted in place of more disparaging terms like, say, white trash.
In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able to determine just
how  many
there are
of these folks at Chicken‘s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show,
audience
laughter, etc. –will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants,
hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters, backwoods bees, countrified cockroaches or yokel yellow mealworms. When
this happens, the show may suffer a momentary interruption. We‘re used to it by now, after all this time. But we can’t
tell you just to “ignore this rowdy tribe,” as that is beyond anyone’s powers, when the whole clan suddenly erupts in
mid-show. Just proffer a big, friendly Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course),
the smallest hellion of them all, li’l Lucky.

A YOO-HOO TO FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back!
And we‘ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver
his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu  was recently told in these pages. (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, Nos.
14, 15 & 16). We‘ve covered the basis (sorry) of his Weltanshauung and even given an account of a certain significant
event
in his past, which, in a single night, created the person familiar to all of us today. Like the original Norton, Frank
is shown deference by the discriminating, given free meals and so on. Amazing how history repeats itself, isn’t it? Mr.
Chu
has been holding street protests against former U.S. Presidents, corporations and the vast extraterrestrial cabal of
The 12 Galaxies in San Francisco and nearby locales since at least 1995. He often allows idiots to bait him– and never
loses
his temper. All he wants is to keep exposing his special message to the world. Now, whether or not Frank‘s
“delusional” (as if we care), there’s no doubt that he has evolved a perfectly-suited method of dealing with whatever
trauma originally set him on the course he now follows. Much so-called mental illness, in fact, is a one-size-fits-all
diagnosis
which ignores the utility of the custom-crafted world view to the individual subject. Most people
instinctively realize
that agreement with Frank is preferable to opposing him. Those who have not come to this
conclusion
not only tend to be clueless jerks, but also don’t understand that if they ever did succeed in shaking Frank
from his Zegnotronic sanctuary, in doing so they would be endangering him– and, it’s not unlikely, themselves. And
howsoever this may be, we will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal! You‘ll see him there.

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro,
a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist– but he really
lives for but one purpose. His main delight
in this life is to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get
Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he always succeeds. He
sure can do it.

PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
ADH Science
expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing
segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries
made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about how NASA spacecraft are monitoring
blasts
of gamma-ray energy from a star 30,000 light years distant! Some of the flares have packed more total energy than the
Sun
puts out in 20 years! And,
you know, we‘re damned lucky these blasts, or gamma-ray bursts, are so far away. As Pete
recently took the trouble to point out  (
We were listening– were you?), even remotely, these events have in the past had enough
energy to ionize
Earth‘s entire atmosphere. What he was too circumspect to say is that these bursts, if near enough to us,
could easily wipe out all life on this planet, sterilizing it and scrubbing it clean. Whew! And, despite the abusive sallies of
Chicken, as sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized
chicken
or an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l
about this and other unimaginable cosmic terrors, shrinking all human achievement to infinitesimal dimensions
before the ruthless majesty of the Cosmos. Enjoy!

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing
improv on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”

NOT A BARBUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, though it’s OK to drink, you
need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in the traditional
manner
with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how Paul Pot and David “Cappy”
Capurro
(see above) do it (see above) –and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

SOCIAL NOTES
That Giant Chicken was not seen last wk. @ ADH as the Sponsor’s Product was brought out during “Piazzi” Pete
Goldie’s astro-wrap-up
segment. Instead, remiss Robert Levy ambled out with the unfortunate fowl’s feathery
integument draped casually over his protruberant plastron. We live for the day when some cutie dons & fills out the
chicken outfit, like delectable Dawn Stott, Junoesque Justin Credible, or curvy Cherry Zombrowski, whose 1-woman
show
of her own at The Marsh this March (plug-ola!) is
“Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and
Other Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl”
(see Social Notes, The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14), But
there were lookers-a-plenty at the show anyway, including gorgeous Gwen Knapp, sexy Starling, ultra-attractive Ursula
G.
(gee!) pneumatic Paula Repp, and slinky Sylvia Harris of Oaktown… Th’ Parade of Pulchritude (almost) always
manages to make its way thru our doors, p’rhaps to check out some of the manly men who also pay their way, such as
jocund John Law, peripatetic Paul da Plumber & dashing D.S. Black, Pale Scholar of the Unhallow’d Arts… Princely
Puzzling Evidence shot more of the show for You Tube placement (see below for two more of his latest entries)… Jovial
John Shirley, noted author of Cyberpunk, Litpunk & justplainpunk works, planted himself in the front row… Then there
was Burning Man’s own incendiary Ivan Price (no relation to Rube Waddell’s famed Freddi), canoodling with fetching Fan
Ameke
… they shd. getta room… Radiant Rhiannon (rhymes with Shannon) Charisse couldn’t be missed, and we also
welcomed partying Paul Pot– thanx, by the bye, for the dopacious donative… Unless we mixed up last week’s Social Notes,
we were (re) visited by jumpin” Jimmy Cross, redoubtable Richard Sheehy, righteous Rico (of Blanche & Rico fame), and
sine qua non Spud Man… Worthy of Note: The country may be Hellbound (to financial fracture & fissipation), but there’s
one Silver Lining: KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus is back! Yes, each Monday, March 9th thru the 30th
the last four
Mondays
in March, meet in front of Ritual Roasters on Valencia at 7:00 PM & board the Big Green Bus. then hold on
for the ride
as “Columbus” Chicken pilots the famed vehicle, while KrOB’s Movie Show unrolls on two separate screens,
one
in front & one in back. Each show’s a Double Feature– the first (March 9th) will be
X – the Unheard Music, followed
by
The Future is Unwritten, featuring the late Joe Strummer. The trip will be to the Albany Bulb for a Punk Rock Campfire
with music, laughter & much mischief. We’ll all be back ’round Midnite. The whole thing is a bargain– just ten measly
bucks…
Also Worthy:
There’s always a lot goin’ on in Ess Eff (besides the Dr. Hal Show) that th’ Conspiracy Media never
sniffs out under its own snooty, turned-up snoot. No wonder the Chron seems to be gasping its last… Case in point: the
Titanic Struggle between downtown’s Jejune Institute, helmed by fiendish oligarch Octavio Coleman, Esq. and the free
forces of Elsewhere, over the allegiance and souls of the Nonchalants. Who they? Well, if you’re in upper Dolores Park, you
can find out by listening to a continuous hour-and-forty-five minute broadcast made by us (our Nonchalant Rank is
Commander 14), running 24-7 on FM radio, 107.9 FM in (((stereo)))… And if you think you can resist the insidious, snaky
power of their incredibly devious but fascinating indoctrination, the Jejune Institute will welcome you if you traipse
downtown to their lofty skyscraper HQ on Kearny St. We don’t recommend it, & you probably shouldn’t call them @ (415)
325-4014…
Speaking of Bus Trips, another aboard courageous Chicken John’s famed Odeon Applause Bus will be on Thurs.,
March 5th,
the day following the ADH show. It’ll start @ the renowned City Lights bookstore on Columbus Ave., since
judicious John Law will read there from his new book
The Space Between & have a signing– it’s about bridges & their lore.
Then we– & you? –board the bus and drive over a few…
These Bus Trips shd. never be missed. We just took one to San Jose
to see radiant Robin Coomer & sharp Sam Bass sing & play on stage with Ballet San Jose for
The Way we Fall, choreographed
by artful Alexsandra Meijer. Tho’ this ballet ended with a superlative tango tribute, one of the most delightful things we’ve seen
in years, it was ravishing Robin & stoked-up Sam who tore down the house w/ their amazing tour-de-force performance. They
debuted their newest CD,
Love vs. Love. Get it at Fry’s Electronics– or by clicking on cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get
more on all this at
www.loopthis.com –and whenever you hear about one of these Bus Trips, cancel whatever else you’ve got
going
& get aboard! ‘Nuff said…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute?
Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can!
Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal!on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs.

Pete Goldie puts out a Church Air-flavored Science Sizzler @ ADH, more, on February 18th – The first part:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAxJj1PhMgE&feature=related

The Price of scrap steel and stock analysis from Chicken intros Dr. Hal‘s Wm. Blake recitation on February 18th
in (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NuEZoR8AaHw&feature=email

More of February 18th‘s hard-hitting Hal Show hammers the point(s) home (Pt. 3) including the dread KrOB
Moment:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M43OesL3lsk&feature=related

Chicken gets a giant spider in the U.S. Mail and welcomes Pete Goldie in the first
of two parts from ADH on
February 11th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nl4jZ7OZBFU&feature=channel_page

Frank Chu appears like a wandering ghost to haunt our rain-dogged Feb. 11th folly
(
Pt. 2), more:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7D24ZWSxMMg&feature=channel_page

Just get an eyeload of the first part of February 4th‘s febrile free-for-all (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V7rC4Vv5N6w&feature=channel

Now permit yourself a peek at the next cheering chunk from Puzz-Ev TV (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i2doUT-QvQI&feature=channel

Observe now the orisons of the terminal trefoil tingle of Feb. 4th‘s farandole (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yJHi3p97J18&feature=channel_page

Scrutinize spectacular samples from our circuitous circus on January 28th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2IloOn7o1F0&feature=channel

Peruse the second part of January 28th‘s nonpareil Nonesuch (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=02c1-y1RV_M&feature=email

The third part & 2nd iteration of Jan. 28th‘s performance sensation (Pt. 3):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JI1vYal4Z_0&feature=related

View variegated visions from our proactive presentation in mid-January of this young year
January 14th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hZGpuy-4Il0&feature=channel

The second part of PUZZ-EV’s commanding compilation of the best of ADH’s mid-month
marvel
(Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYkU7VLEQKE&feature=related

Here’s the skinny on the first show of 2009, in You Tube Edit form, January 7th (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJbgPrD_Jfc&feature=related

The second helping of our succulent show smorgasbord (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pYhqbSmn30M&feature=related

Look & wonder as you observe pivotal occurrences from our last show of the year (New Year’s
Eve)
December 31st (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2uUR1GJgQI&feature=channel_page

The second half of PUZZ-EV‘s hard-hitting slice of our New Year’s omnivorous omnibus (Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EITPiw4XPw8&feature=channel_page

Gaze now at this exceptional edit, excerpted from our recent exhilarating December 24th
performance (Pt. 1):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tJO2i73RR-Y&feature=channel

Behold the second half of the exciting “extreme” excerpt of the show on December 24th
(Pt. 2):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mJeYyZ7jG9k&feature=channel

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fRIJURy6mpg&feature=channel

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6SO-KGmQgvI&feature=channel

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_QToZF1LrA

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
several questions.
Just go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NVLPHyiExc

See selected clips from November 19th‘s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words.
Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs

The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For those who would like to indulge themselves in one
final wallow,
check out
this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate
Cat radio show
featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint
and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint. Yowza!
Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrfFcbcmo9I&feature=email

See you Wednesday night!