WEDNESDAY, Feb. 25th!
==PRESENTED ON OUR ALL-NEW STAGE==
AT
The Famous Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
where SHOWTIME— more or less– BEGINS at around
=9:00 PM=
THE SLAPDOWN— Admission: $ 10-ISH
(Cheap! NO ONE turned away! A BARGAIN!)
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.

The Dr. Hal Report    
Vol. IX                                                                  No. 16

“Whatever begins, also ends.”
                                           –Seneca
“You’re searching, Joe, for things that don’t exist; I mean beginnings.
Ends and beginnings — there are no such things. There are only middles.”
                                                      –Frost
“Great is the art of beginning, but greater is the art of ending.”
                                                       –Lazarus Long
THIS WEEK:
EVICTED! – COUNTDOWN TO DOOM – RADIO REJECTS – GRASPING AT STRAWS –
MANT – PART MAN, PART ANT – KING SIZE CANARY – ANT MEN IN ANCIENT
TIMES – THE FRANK CHU STORY, PART 3; CONCLUSION – CAPPY’S  MASTER PLAN –
PETE GOLDIE ‘S STARRY WISDOM: IN SEARCH OF UNSEEN EARTH -LIKE WORLDS –
HOUSE RULES RULE – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL NOTES – HILLBILLY DENTAL
PROBLEMS – BUS RIDE TO SAN JOSE & LOOP! STATION – NEW LOOP! STATION CD –
PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – … FRENCH KISSING THE DOG… – KrOB’S FILM FARM
RETURNS; MORE BUS RIDES, DOUBLE FEATURES, MATCHING DESTINATIONS – YOKED
EVEN MORE WITH YOU TUBE – PUZZO’S NEWEST CLIPS –

 IT’S our last show in February & sixteenth episode of Ask Dr. Hal! in our current run.
But these shows are coming to an end. Who says so? Chicken John. He‘s going off to play with boats
in Europe–and once again, since the show is in his house, there’s a problem. Though everyone else in
our cast would be quite happy to keep on with a “guest host” (such arrangements have been made
successfully before), Mr. Rinaldi doesn’t want a crowd of people there while he‘s away and unable to
prevent them from invading, shuffling into his sanctum sanctorum, stealing his silverware, Fabergé
Eggs and collection of framed hunting prints, rifling through his drawers and “borrowing” (permanently)
his beloved arsenal of power tools. So, that’s it; we‘re (soon going to be) out of there, it’s been swell, and
now we begin our dreaded…

COUNTDOWN TO DOOM!
It’s still not clear how many shows are left in this cycle. Certainly we‘ll run through March, maybe do a
few in April. Who knows? Not Chicken, not yet. But when he firms up his plans, we will let you know
right in this space the exact diminishing number of opportunities remaining to experience the awe and
mystery, the wonder and bemusement, the savagery and splendor, we call the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
BUT… WE‘LL CONTINUE AS BEFORE ON PIRATE CAT RADIO, RIGHT?
Wrong. Dr. Hal, KrOB, even Astronomer Royal Pete Goldie, have been permanently booted off SF’s
popular pirate FM station by station manager Dr. Monkey. Because we asked him not to advertise our
radio show when we weren’t there, confusing and disappointing our listeners, but he ignored us
despite repeated requests, Chicken got involved– and you can guess what happened next– he exercised
the “Nuclear Option–” that is, insulting Monkey so much that PCR‘s chief factotum blew a gasket– and
now that grossly insulted individual (flamed as only Chicken can do) never wants to see any of our sorry
phizzes again– in short, none of us can e’er return.
FAINT GLIMMERS OF HOPE?
There do exist a few slight shadows of hope for doing some sort of post-Chicken performances, even
some sort of (non-Pirate Cat) radio. But ‘twould be ill-advised to comment prematurely. As mighty
KrOB Sabrepop himself would tell you, at this point we can ill afford another Klendathu. So keep
watching this space to see if the idea of a Chicken-less Dr. Hal Show somewhere else is a false hope–
or instead one with an ever-so-slight chance of becoming real. Meanwhile, we‘re determined to make
history in our own way. We‘ve carried the show on for many years now– and are always refining it a degree
or so further, trying to ascertain what “works” and what we have to conclude never will. KrOB’s on the job,
as always, brewing up new surprises. And he‘s got a real winner this week, as for the very first time ever the
Monster Clip will bring you the hideous tale of a grotesque cross-phylum mutant, part man and part ant, as…

KrOB, San Francisco, Presents:
MANT! THE INSECTILE ABOMINATION!

Unspeakably horrible is this eructation of perverted science– the metamorphosis of Homo sapiens into Homo
myrmex. Before your traumatized eyes you will see sights which will seize your quivering brain in gleaming,
razor-sharp chitinous mandibles and send it skittering off into a necrophagous abyss of suffocating,
night-black horror down endless subterranean corridors of hexapodal madness. Oh, that KrOB. Nearly all ants
have a unique gland found on the petiole, the linking segment between thorax and abdomen (we were classically
trained) or, as they say today in Ant Science or Myrmecology, the altitrunk and gastor. Yes, yes, insect fans– we
know that the altitrunk is considered the distal component of the pre-petiolar thorax. There’s just not space to get
into that here. Anyway, we are speaking of the metapleural gland. Most importantly, this gland has been shown to
contain antibacterial and antifungal chemicals which are essential for survival in the humid, dark nests your typical
ants construct in the ground or rotting vegetation. This gland secretes an antiseptic substance, or “gleet,” that at
times acts as a repellent to attacking organisms. It is also thought that the metapleural gland releases certain special
pheromones for communication. But, you know, that’s pretty small compensation for a guy who finds himself slowly
turning into a man-ant, or mant. Hence, the drama, the pathos. You know the drill. So, for unique, bulbous Big Bug
thrills, get a load of what the indefatigable KrOB‘s prepared for this week! Yet another in a series of unforgettable
KrOB “Edits!” Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if  you prefer to, on our “size-challenged”
screen). But, before that…

WE START…  WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
We like to start the show with a bang– and we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen a great animated
cartoon, lovingly selected by KrOB– eight minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to film. Last week we
brought you, as promised, one of the best works of our all-time favorite cartoon director, the late Bob Clampett, whom Dr.
Hal and his sister Martha were privileged to know personally. Now we‘re going to give you another of those great MGM
cartoons directed by Clampett‘s pal the legendary Tex Avery. This time Avery’s sex-mad wolf character doesn’t come into
it, though. Instead, in King-Size Canary (1947), the subject is typical cartoon animals (bulldog, alley cat, mouse and
canary) who throughout the picture just grow– and keep growing– to enormous, monstrous size. This is a trope that Avery,
the master of exaggeration, typically carries to an extreme. Simply, it’s a great cartoon. In fact, in 1994, King-Size Canary
was voted #10 of the 50 Greatest Cartoons of All Time by members of the animation field. So join us at the good old
Chez Poulet Gallery Cabaret this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your
Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture.
Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

” The ultimate anthropomorphic macrophilia cartoon. In layman’s terms, the best Big Animals clip! ”
                                                                                    — Ralph Fielding Snell, Jumbo-Gro & Cinematic Apotheosis

THEN…
THIS MAN TURNING INTO AN ANT THING — ANY TRUTH TO IT?
Well, how ’bout a being well known to the ancients which was part lion, part ant? This was the Myrmecolion, described
by the learned Authors of the Physiologus and other unimpeachable authorities. Gustave Flaubert described it in this way:
“…lion in its foreparts, ant in its hindparts, with the organs of its sex the wrong way.” Such a creature, the author of
Madame Bovary noted, is short-lived. Isidore of Seville, who calls it a Formicoleon, says of it that “…it is the lion of the
ants, or at least ant and lion at the same time. For it is a small creature that is very hostile to ants. It hides itself in the
sand and kills the ants as they are carrying grains. And it is called lion and ant because it is, as it were, an ant to other
animals, but a lion to ants…” (Brehaut, 1912). Of course, “Izzy” was just talking about the doodlebug, or Antlion
(Dendroleon pantheormis) a well-known insect. The closest living relatives of antlions are the owlflies (Ascalaphidae).
But we have Scriptural authority for the full-sized hybrid. “Eliphaz the king of the Temanites said, ‘The ant-lion
perished because it had no food.” The Physiologus said: “It had the face (or fore-part) of a lion and the hinder parts of
an ant. Its father eats flesh, but its mother grains.’ If they engender the ant-lion, they engender a thing of two natures,
such that it cannot eat flesh because of the nature of its mother, nor grains because of the nature of its father. It
perishes, therefore, because it has no nutriment. So is every double-minded man; unstable in all his ways…” This
typically moralistic Bestiary entry derives from monkish mistransliteration errors, we believe– too bad there isn’t enough
space, once again, to cover it properly. But in Ancient Greece (as one might expect) we hear, through blind Homer (not
Simpson) of that lost tribe of ant-men commanded by Achilles during the Trojan War. It seems their eponymous ancestor
was Myrmidon, a king of Phthiotis who was a son of Zeus and “wide-ruling” Eurymedousa, a princess of Phthiotis. She
was seduced by him in the form of an ant. (Boy, we‘d pay to watch that– or David Capurro would, at any rate.) An
etiological myth of their origins, perhaps, simply expanding upon their supposed etymology? The name in Classical
Greek was interpreted as “ant-people” from murmedon or “ants’ nest” and that from murmex, “ant-man,” was first
mentioned by Ovid, in The Metamorphoses: in Ovid‘s telling, King Aeacus of Aegina, father of Peleus, pleaded with Zeus
to populate his country after a terrible plague. Zeus said his people would number as the ants on his sacred oak, and from
the ants sprang the Aegina people, the Myrmidons. Remember, William Blake said, “Any Thing that is Possible to be
Believ’d, is an Image of Truth.” So, Wednesday night, courtesy of KrOB, we’ll see if the concept is far-seeing– or just
far-fetched. Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal.

HOVERING HILLBILLIES !
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rustic Po’bucket
Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting rent for their minimal
share of his cavernous domain. It’s whispered that they pay not in money but in the product produced in their concealed
“meth” lab. We choose to disbelieve this canard– that trailer’s just too small. Even hillbillies couldn’t pull such a thing
off in such a reduced amount of space. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in non-Appalachian areas as a reference in
describing socially backward people that fit certain rusticated characteristics. In this context, it is often, though not always,
derogatory. Although the described persons may not reside in a region that has hills of any kind, it is substituted in place of
more disparaging terms like white trash. In urban usage, it is sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in
fact has yet been able to determine just how  many there are of these folks at Chicken‘s. But be warned that quite often the
sound of an ongoing show, audience laughter, etc. –will bring them out of their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of
Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets, sodbuster skeeters, backwoods bees or countrified cockroaches. When this happens,
the show may suffer a momentary interruption. We‘re used to it by now, after all this time. But we can’t tell you just to
“ignore them,” as that is beyond anyone’s powers, when the family suddenly erupts in mid-show. Just proffer a big, friendly
Howdy-do! to Family Units “Big Jed” Moses, “Daisy Duke” Spy and (of course) li’l Lucky.

A YOO-HOO TO FRANK CHU!
Yes, Frank is back! And we‘ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to deliver
his Message! And the tangled tale of Frank Chu (born March 24th, 1960) now concludes in these pages. We‘ve covered
the basis of his Weltanshauung and even given an account of a significant event in his past, which, in a single night,
created the person familiar to all of us today. For all this, go to our two previous  installments. Mr. Chu has been holding
street protests against former U.S. Presidents, corporations and the vast extraterrestrial cabal of The 12 Galaxies in
San Francisco and nearby locales since at least 1995. We also know that his uniquely derived ideology of
Zegnotronics holds former president William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton responsible for directing the CIA to withhold
payment to him during the presidency of George Herbert Walker Bush, payment for having starred on a “reality” TV
show, “The Richest Family.” broadcast during the administration of the first President Bush. He and his family, Frank
says, were secretly recorded and their daily lives fully covered by this show. Because of this, he won’t cease his protest
until paid his “$20 Billions.”  And we learned of that fateful night when a furtive Frank took 11 members of his family
hostage in his home in Oakland. The police arrived in force, and Chu took a shot at them, firing a .38 pistol at one
police officer who came to investigate, but missed, lucky for him. The police responded by cordoning off a ten-block area
for three hours. Frank surrendered and survived the encounter, and has been a familiar sight carrying his sign in all winds
and weathers ever since. He allows idiots to bait him and never loses his temper. All he wants is to keep exposing his
special message to the world. Now, whether or not Frank‘s “delusional,” there’s no doubt that he has evolved a perfectly-
suited method of dealing with whatever trauma originally set him on the course he now follows. Much so-called mental
illness, in fact, is a one-size-fits-all diagnosis which ignores the utility of the custom-crafted world view to the individual
subject. Most people instinctively realize that agreement with Frank is preferable to opposing him. Those who have
not come to this conclusion not only tend to be clueless jerks, but also don’t understand that if they ever did succeed in
shaking Frank from his Zegnotronic sanctuary, in doing so they would be endangering him– and, it’s not unlikely,
themselves. And howsoever this may be, we will always welcome Frank Chu at Ask Dr. Hal!

COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro, a mainstay of our show for lo these many years,
provides a running visual commentary to all that is said and done as the show goes on. It works like this: we
mention a topic, David operates his keyboard, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, is a multi-talented, accomplished baker and a competent guitarist– but he really
lives for but one purpose. His main delight in this life is to ask an anonymous question at Ask Dr. Hal! and get
Chicken, unknowingly, to pour him a free shot of Fernet. And in this, strangely enough, he always succeeds.

PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing
segment, ” (The) Waste(s) of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries
made in the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about NASA‘s Kepler Mission to hunt for
terrestrial-sized ‘exoplanets’ lying in the habitable zones of their own solar systems! The $591,000,000.00, 3-and-1/2-year
voyage, the first of its kind, is set to launch from Cape Canaveral on March 5th, the day following the first Ask Dr.
Hal! Show of that month. Kepler‘s orbit will follow the Earth‘s around the Sun, surveying more than 100,000 stars at
distances ranging from 30 to 1,000 light years. And, despite the abusive sallies of Chicken, as sure as Entropy,
Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken or an unseemly
eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about it.

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s 4 guys doing
improv on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”

NOT A BAR— BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, though it’s OK to drink, you
need to BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded in the traditional
manner— with that old standby, Fernet Branca, TM –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how Paul Pot and David “Cappy”
Capurro (see above) do it (see above) –and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask Dr. Hal!

SOCIAL NOTES…
Whew! Attendance at ADH was, to our relief, better than normal when we last convened, since the rain & bad weather
had withdrawn back to th’ caves of Aeolus. A nice, dry nite– & the outpatients were out in force. A gaggle of gadabouts
had been galvanized into going, perhaps spurred on by (true) rumors of our show’s demise (see above)… Our quondam
visitors the Po’bucket family were not in evidence, but provided a video of their latest adventures, entitled, “A Visit to the
Dentist.” Later on, shapely Spy Emerson did manage to join us– some come early, some late. That applies to leaving,
too, when others can’t stay until the end… Like Loop! Station’s ravishing Robin Coomer, f’rinstance… We were waiting on
the stairs to go on, people were coming up and down the stairs & we were trying to give ’em room, when one turned out
to be resplendent Robin… There’s nothing like getting an embrace & some last-minute encouragement before you go on,
for a morale builder– we know it helped our performance, & certainly did wonders for us personally… Radiant Robin may
be shedding more lite because the new Loop! Station! CD, Love vs. Love, is on its way. In fact, it’s here! The songs on the
album are all new, & rhapsodic Robin‘s voice has never been finer. Some of this music, the song “All you Want” & 2
others, played live for the first time by red-hot Robin and stoked Sam Bass, will have a public debut with Ballet San Jose
in 4 performances of The Way we Fall, choreographed by artful Alexsandra Meijer, running Feb. 26th to March 1st at the
San Jose Center for the Performing Arts, 255 Almaden Blvd. at Park Ave. in downtown SJ… Charged-up Chicken’s driving
there in the Odeon Applause Bus– get aboard if you’re planning to attend this fantastic show– that’s on Saturday the 28th of
February @ 8:00 PM. Meet at the Jean Poulet Gallery-Cabaret– the Bus will leave @ 6:30 PM… “We’ll all go to the ballet,”
asserts chivalrous Chicken, “and then we’ll take a nice drive or something. It’s an hour’s drive. We go home the back way.
Stop in Oakland. Cause trouble.” Sounds like a blast. Tickets to the ballet– you have to buy them in advance– start at $30
& go to $85. Get them– it’s easy– at http://www.balletsanjose.org/HiddenTalents.htm Also, chauffeur Chicken wants
between 10 & 20 bucks for driving you there, around & back. “The show starts at 8:00 and is in the real world– it’s not bar
time,” notes chiding Chicken. “No, it’s not cheap. Yes, it’s worth it. If enough people wanna go, I can do multiple nights.
Please write me an email [ chicken@chickenjohn.com ] & tell me if you’re coming.” Folks, the CD itself will be available
for the first time there at the ballet– you can get your own copy from sales-professional Sam & retail-friendly Robin. Later.
seize these CD’s at Fry’s Electronics, who also carry the band’s first 3 CD’s– this is the 4th. And, you can also try clicking on
cds@cdbaby.com/loopstation4 –get more on all this at www.loopthis.com — we’ll just say 1 more thing abt. Love vs.
Love: this CD was worth waiting for. If you love their music as we do, you know what it is to hear rapturous Robin
Coomer’s unmatched voice fusing with sanguine Sam Bass’s expressive cello playing through those compelling loops &
variations. At one point on the disc sensational Sam plays on the Vaslin composite Stradivarius Cello, made in 1730… Once
again at ADH the part of the Giant Chicken was played by curvaceous Cherry Zombrowski, whose 1-woman show of her own
at The Marsh this March (plug-ola!) is “Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and Other Sordid Confessions
of a Born-Again Party Girl” (see Social Notes, The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. IX, No. 14), taking over the crucial & significant
megalo-chicken-impersonating chore from charitable “Chicken Dawn” Stott, who was in the house along with stalwart Stu
Sands, peripatetic Paul da Plumber, striking Starshine Moon Child, Junoesque Julie Holabird, & for the first time this run,
joyous Janay Growden, who it’s always a delight to see… Princely Puzzling Evidence shot more of the show for You Tube
placement (see below)… Jovial Jimmy Cross, resplendent Rochelle, redoubtable Richard Sheehy, righteous Rico (of Blanche
& Rico fame), admirable Aiko Michot, kinetic Kate & vital Vlad, masterful Mike W., dashing Don Paul Swain & jocund Julian
Shirley, as well as buoyant Byron Shirley, enjoyed both the show & the after-party… One great bunch of parties coming up
features more Bus Trips with challenging Chicken at the wheel– for a limited time KrOB’s Film Farm on the Bus is back! Yes,
each Monday, March 9th thru the 30th— the last four Mondays in March, meet in front of Ritual Roasters on Valencia at 7:00
PM & board the Big Green Bus. then hold on for the ride as “Columbus” Chicken pilots the famed vehicle, while KrOB’s Movie
Show unrolls on two separate screens, one in front & one in back. Each show’s a Double Feature– the first (March 9th) will be
X – the Unheard Music, followed by The Future is Unwritten, featuring the late Joe Strummer. The trip will be to the Albany Bulb
for a Punk Rock Campfire with music, laughter & much mischief. We’ll all be back ’round Midnite. The whole thing is a
bargain– just ten measly bucks… the fun & folly continue to cascade…

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you
can! Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! —on You Tube! It’s easy!
It’s fun! It’s time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there
in person! How? How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click,
on these handy URLs.

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
several questions.
Just go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NVLPHyiExc

See selected clips from November 19th‘s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words.
Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs

The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For those who would like to indulge themselves in one
final wallow, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate
Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint.
Go to:

See you Wednesday night!

The Dr. Hal Report
Vol. IX            No. 14

ON INTO FEBRUARY!
“If you won’t be my Valentine
I’ll scream, I’ll yell, I’ll bite.
I’ll cry aloud, I’ll start to whine
If you won’t be my Valentine.
I’ll frown and fret, I’ll mope and pine, and
It will serve you right…”
–Myra C. Livingston

THIS WEEK:
SWING SHIFT CINDERELLA – GIANT ALBINO GORILLA vs. PREHISTORIC
CAVE BEAR – HILLBILLY HOEDOWN – THE FRANK CHU STORY, PART 1 –
CAPPY SEES YOU – PETE GOLDIE ‘S STARRY COSMOS – DEADLY COMET LOOMS IN FEB. SKIES – HOUSE RULES – QUESTIONABLE ANSWERS – SOCIAL
NOTES – MARRIED YET AGAIN – PARADE OF PULCHRITUDE – YOKED WITH
YOU TUBE –
AS we fare on for the fourteenth episode of Ask Dr. Hal! for the second of our four
shows of February, the struggle between altruism and pragmatism, gentleness and savagery, ingenuity
opposing sheer brute force, light versus darkness– even biped vs. tetrapod and anthropoid vs.animaloid–
all are brought to memorable life with an explicitness which transcends any allegorical origin in KrOB’s
classic stop-motion confrontation on Ask Dr. Hal’s Giant Screen. It will happen. So, it might as well
happen when you visit us. Come to our show, and it all will happen the night when you’re there– the night
when…
KrOB, San Francisco, Presents:
“ADROIT ALABASTER ALBINO APE BATTLES BELLIGERENT
BUMPTIOUS BLACK BEHEMOTH BEAR!”
An Evolutionary Parable from a Legendary Lost Island! The Fight of the Century!
GRROARG! OOK! ARRUNNK! GRONK! RAWARRRGH! Brains versus Bruin may well be the theme- Claws
& Teeth go up against a Primitive Tool-User. Yet another in a series of indefatigable KrOB “Edits!”
Scientific! Educational! View it all on our Giant Screen (or, if you prefer to, on our “size-challenged” screen).
But, before that…

WE START…  WITH A KLASSIC KARTOON !
We like to start the show with a bang– and we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen a great
animated cartoon, lovingly selected by KrOB– eight minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to
film. Last week we brought you, as promised, legendary Warner Bros. cartoon director Friz Freleng’s Little
Red Riding Rabbit (1944) as we continued our animated exploration of the “Little Red Riding Hood” theme.
And this week, our KrOB Klassic goes even farther afield to tangle with the tale of Cinderella in one of the best
cartoons we’ll ever show at Ask Dr. Hal! It starts with LRRH all right, but in a matter of seconds it veers wildly
into Avery’s wild world of wolves, babes, and one bacchanalian babushka of a Fairy Godmother… Friends,
if you miss this one, we can’t say how long it might be before the chance of a repeat performance. What
we’re doing at the show, if you haven’t yet noticed, is working our way through the cartoon syllabus to show our
patrons just how great the American animated cartoon used to be, and we hate to repeat ourselves. This
really is one you should catch– another “grown-up” cartoon from MGM’s Tex Avery, who’s been called (by
Joe Adamson, among others) the “King of Cartoons .” On deck is Swing Shift Cinderella (1945)– it’s rude,
crude, politically incorrect– and devastatingly funny. We can’t imagine how you’d have any other chance to
see this film in these times, projected large and loud– the way we show ’em. And yes, this is, once again, one
of those wild cartoons of yore which have had trouble running up against the censors over the years. This whole
idea, that children need “protection” from these cartoons, or any other work of art, is so wrong-headed, and
oozes (originally) from the odious Reagan years and the unexamined assumption that “cartoons are for kids.”  But don’t believe it, Jack– cartoons are for all humanity, dig? The great cartoon makers never lost sight of
this. Fear not– we guarantee, as always, that no censorship will be in evidence at the Chez Poulet Gallery-
Cabaret– we’re taking pains to give you, as almost never seen these days, the whole thing, complete and
uncut. So join us this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your
Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular
culture. Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends.

” A classic! a masterpiece! –Especially Preston Blair’s luscious and sexy animation of Cinderella !”
— VodeoJMC63, Thadblog
THEN…
GIANT GRIZZLED GORILLA GRUNTS & GRAPPLES WITH THE MIGHTY CAVE BEAR!
The great Cave Bear (Ursus spelaeus) was one of the most striking inhabitants of the prehistoric world. It is best
known from late Pleistocene cave deposits, although it can be traced back to Late Pliocene times (the Pliocene
Epoch ended about 1.8 million years ago and was followed by the Pleistocene).If you’ve ever had a chance to see
the skeleton in the American Museum of Natural History in New York, it may have struck you– as it did us– as
one of those sets of remains that somehow seems to express, in its every line, an exaggerated animal ferocity.
Those teeth and claws, together with the fearsome stance of the animal, strongly imply that quality of
monstrous voracity. Truly, aside from the assembled fossil bones of theropod dinosaurs like Tyrannosaurus and Allosaurus, there are few other skeletal mounts that can give you that same startling revelation. No wonder
this beast was worshipped as a divine being by Early Man all across Neolithic Europe. The Cave Bear, indeed,
was really the ruler of his world. These bears, as we have read in an account by Prof. Joseph Augusta, often died
peacefully of old age, surrounded by their loved ones– a neat trick for an animal in the wild. They ruled for
thousands upon thousands of years. Who knows– maybe Earth was made for them, not us– with humanity a
(soon-to-be-discarded) afterthought. Anyway, you could still find them on Skull Island the year after the humans
captured King Kong and steamed away with him. Far larger than the largest living bear, this ursine Goliath
can be seen in KrOB’s klip, battling with Kong’s (alleged) son. It’s a rough-and-tumble scrap between giant
adversaries you’ll be sure to enjoy. (Put your money on the big ape.) Narrated, as always, by Dr. Hal.

HOLLERING HILLBILLIES !
In a tiny, tinny, run-down, beat-up, two-bit trailer suspended above our Ask Dr. Hal! stage dwell the rustic
Po’Bucket Family, authentic mountain people from whom Chicken has apparently been illegally collecting
rent for their minimal share of his cavernous domain. (The term hillbilly is commonly used in non-Appalachian
areas as a reference in describing socially backward people that fit certain “hillbilly” characteristics. In this context, it is often (though not always) derogatory. Although the described persons may not reside in a region that
has hills of any kind, it is substituted in place of more disparaging terms like white trash. In urban usage, it is
sometimes used interchangeably with Redneck.) No one in fact has yet been able to determine just how  many there
are of these folks at Chicken’s. But be warned that quite often the sound of an ongoing show will bring them out of
their stereotypical lair like a frenzied swarm of Appalachian ants, hayseed hornets or backwoods bees. When this
happens, the show may suffer a momentary interruption. We can’t tell you just to “ignore them,” as that is beyond
anyone’s powers, when the family suddenly erupts in mid-show. Just proffer a big Howdy-do! to Family Units
Moses, Spy and (of course) li’l Lucky.

FRANK CHU! HOW DO YOU DO?
Yes, Frank is back! And we’ve got him! The Emperor Norton of our own time regularly appears at our show to
deliver his Message! Frank Chu (born March 24th, 1960) has been holding street protests against former U.S.
Presidents, corporations and the vast extraterrestrial cabal of The 12 Galaxies in San Francisco and nearby
locales since at least 1995. Mr. Chu lives in Oakland and commutes daily to San Francisco where he makes his
living through a combination of state aid, sign sponsorships, and small donations from his followers and
supporters. His ideology of Zegnotronics holds former president William Jefferson “Bill” Clinton responsible
for directing the CIA to withhold payment to him for his esoteric services during the presidency of George
Herbert Walker Bush. His protests frequently call for Clinton’s impeachment even to this day. Bill Clinton and
various other presidents are frequently accused by Chu, who claims allegiance with the Republican Party, of cooperating with the 12 Galaxies to commit crimes and treason. Chu is strongly interested in television
reporters and newscasters, who he cultivates to bring him the publicity he requires to inform the world of the
injustices committed against him. He hopes that once started, this wave of publicity will cause a public outcry,
resulting in the retroactive impeachments of all culpable living former U.S. Presidents and the awarding (to Mr.
Chu) of $20 billion dollars to  compensate for all damages he and his family have suffered. According to Mr.
Chu, this is what certain California Correctional Officers who were really movie stars who were really KGB
agents told him, via an advanced form of mental telepathy. In fact, another of Mr. Chu’s Zegnotronic revelations
is that nearly all movie stars have the ability to use ESP. Frank, who has never visited another Galaxy, does not
lay claim to a personal extraterrestrial origin, as some have falsely claimed. A participant by proxy in an
aeons-old intergalactic conflict, however, he receives knowledge of them with his extra-sensory perception,
transmitted from various former Soviet ex-presidents and KGB agents, both alive and necromantically
resurrected. On the other side, (the cosmic Quisling) Clinton, his wife Hillary (now U.S. Secretary of State) and
even their grown daughter Chelsea are “guiltied,” according to Frank, by virtue of having been in collusion with the
12 Galaxies nearest in proximity to our own Galaxy, the Milky Way, while Frank continues against them in the
struggle, aided by the Zegnotronic Galaxy, 120 galaxies distant– but behind Frank for all time. COMPUTER FREEBOOTER!
In a cloud of swirling incense, David “Yo-Yo Pro” Capurro provides a running visual commentary as the show
goes on. We mention a topic, and almost instantly there’s a related image up on the screen. It usually turns out to be
a highly improper one, too, one of the Guignol pan-sexual grotesqueries endlessly offered up by the Internet. I.J.
(Internet Jockey) Capurro, also known for his alter-identity Yo-Yo Pro, one of the original Monsters of Yo-Yo and
Master of Yo-Yo Fu extraordinaire, often seems to bring his own fan club with him, thus swelling our attendance–
just one of the reasons we love him. While all this is taking place, “Cappy,” unstymied by the effort of  keeping the
show connected to the digital world, engages, as is well known, in incessant schemes to bilk an ever-more choleric
Chicken of as many free shots as his inserted questions can receive, as the ones considered superior are rewarded in
this curious fashion for their excellence and entertainment value. And– sometimes he unexpectedly shows certain…
pictures of us. These have often in the past proven to be of an embarrassing or revealing nature. It’s amazing what a
really skillful operator can extract from supposedly protected sources. Who knows? Maybe he’ll suddenly put up some
raw shot of you, one you thought private– or never even knew existed. Everybody laughs and laughs. What a sense
of humor the guy has. Heh, heh, heh. But we guess you really have to be there to appreciate this. So, share the
pain! Be there!

PETE GOLDIE CUTS TO THE CHASE– IN SPACE!
ADH Science expert Pete Goldie will lead attendees through the endless reaches of the Universe in his continuing
segment, “Waste of Space.” Pete will be on hand this week too, to present more of the newest discoveries made in
the eternal realms of the unfathomable void. Hey, kids! Ask Pete about the giant green poisonous comet now rushing
toward us from the remote depths of space! Named Comet Lulin by its discoverer, 19-year-old  Quanzhi Ye of China’s Sun
Yat-sen University, the intruding celestial visitor “could become visible to the naked eye any day now,” says Ye. The comet will
arrive at its closest to our unsuspecting planet this month,  at an estimated distance of 0.41 AU (or Astronomical Units) on Feb.
24, 2009, the day before the last Ask Dr. Hal! Show of February. On the 6th, last Friday, the sinister, glowing green comet sizzled
past the double star Zubenelgenubi , as Pete will surely want Chicken to know, in the fulcrum of the Scales of (constellation)
Libra. Megalo-comet Lulin’s green color comes from the various gases that make up its Jupiter-sized atmosphere. Jets
spewing from the comet’s nucleus contain deadly cyanogen (CN: a highly poisonous gas) and diatomic carbon (C2). Both
substances glow green when illuminated by sunlight in the near-vacuum of space. Despite the comet’s enormous size, toxic
character and unknown provenance, NASA scientists, in a recent announcement dated February 4th, 2009, have reassured the
population of Earth that there is nothing to worry about, everything is under control, and there is no cause for alarm… Yes,
something’s always happening in Space these days– and sure as Entropy, Pete (when not interrupted by a rampaging
rogue gorilla, a giant, dancing human-sized chicken or an unseemly eructation of roof-dwelling hillbillies) is going to
be telling each and every one of us al-l-l-l about it.

CHICKEN JOHN SEZ:
“Hey, everybody– come see the Ask Dr. Hal! show in a brand new location: my living room. It’s
4 guys doing improv on 4 different levels. It can be amazing.”

NOT A BAR– BUT YOU CAN DRINK!
So there won’t be any booze for sale, OK? We don’t do the show in a bar any more, so, it’s OK to
drink, but BRING YOUR OWN. We encourage you to. Of course, good questions will still be rewarded
in the traditional manner– with that old standby, Fernet Branca, –the “Miracle Liquor.” That’s how
Paul Pot and David “Cappy” Capurro do it– and that’s the one way you can still get a drink at Ask
Dr. Hal!

SOCIAL NOTES…
Wedding Bells were (metaphorically) ting-a-ling-ing at the ol’ show last Wednesday nite, as in previous
lifetimes & cycles of ADH, when long-term long-time attendees dynamic Don Bruce & tempestuous Tracy
Feldstein, Patrons of the Arts and Original Constructors of the giant mechanical nose-picker seen before
at a certain Desert Festival, yclept The Disgusting Spectacle– which a little pterodactyl on my shoulder
recently croaked to me is now going up again over at the all-new NIMBY warehouse in Oaktown– seen it
yet? @ 8410 Amelia Street, East Oakland —renewed their vows, (re-)married right there at the show by
Rev. Dr. Howland Owll, in an abbreviated SubGenius/Universal Life Church ceremony… There was much
hilarity (& free beer– betcha wish you were there, if’n you weren’t) as the (slap-) Happy Couple made it a
hillbilly-flavored ceremony. Yes, credit sizzling Spy Emerson of the peripatetic Po’bucket Family, who
helped broker the happy event, ably aided by a querulous quorum of back-country mountaineers. And in
case you were wondering, sure enough “Dancing Outlaw” “McCoy” Moses showed us a few shambling
steps… You shoulda seen the towering all-donut cake… Charming Cherry Zombrowski, who’s doing a
1-woman show of her own at The Marsh this March (plug-ola!) paid us a visit… Her show takes off on the 4th,
sadly for us, since we can’t just march on down to the Marsh this March owing to a prior commitment at
Chicken’s– ’tis a Wed. nite) & is called, “Reading my Dad’s Porn and French Kissing the Dog– and Other
Sordid Confessions of a Born-Again Party Girl.” Wow! Since cute “Chicken Dawn” Stott wasn’t on hand,
Good Sport captivating Cherry squeezed into the Chicken Suit to assist pedantic Pete Goldie with his
Science Segment… There seems to be some growing tradition that there’s always a good-looking babe
inside that suit… funny how these things develop… Evolution in action, we suppose… Torrid Ty McKenzie also
made the scene, tho’ we didn’t get to chat… Curvaceous Candy drew appreciative stares… Ravishing Rosanna
Scimeca with swain Zolaismic Zoli also left before we could hob-nob, but managed to lob us a good question,
trying to find out our favorite sex position (an area where we follow the maxim,“Show, not tell”) & otherwise
adding to a good audience… Pale Scholar of the Unhallow’d Arts Demonick D.S. Black came in from the cold, as
did malapert Mable Syrup and The Dark Room Theatre‘s doyen, racy Rhiannon (rhymes with cannon)
Charisse… Persistent Paul da Plumber is starting to become a “regular…” That sobriquet fits personable Paul
Pot like an old shoe… Redoubtable Reverend Chip, too… Not to neglect the rest of the bevy of beauties who,
strangely enough, find our show the place to go– f’rexample, ever-chic ambrosial Artemis, Kinky Salon’s
pneumatic Polly Superstar, & heavenly Helen Hickman… Fearless Frank Chu was there @ the lair… The whole
megilla was once again lensed by puissant Puzzling Evidence, and choice chunks will doubtless be wending
their way to You Tube via his tireless efforts presently, to find pixel-ated immortality… Bringing us to…  

AMUSING PUZZLING EVIDENCE YOU TUBE CLIPS!
Did you know you can watch some of the show right this minute? Well, thanx to Puzzling Evidence, you can!
Go ahead– scope out a few of the hi-lites from previous episodes of Ask Dr. Hal! —on You Tube! It’s easy! It’s fun! It’s
time-consuming! And it’s technologically au courant, and absolutely the next best thing to being there in person! How?
How, you say? You do? Why are you talking to your computer? Go ahead– just click, clickety-click, on these handy URLs.

Scope out outré out-takes from our December 17th serendipitous show:

Take in tantalizing tid-bits from our December 10th show. Try clicking on this:

Peer at picturesque portions picked from our December 3rd show. Click on this, or, if that doesn’t work, just cut and
paste it into your browser:

Audit choice fragments from our November 26th show on You Tube, courtesy of Puzzling Evidence. SEE Chicken
unfairly berate KrOB. HEAR Dr. Hal as he wanders farther afield even than usual in his meandering “answers” to
several questions.
Just go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2NVLPHyiExc

See selected clips from November 19th‘s show. Warning to Parents:
Chicken really ladles out those cuss-words.
Go to:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixlk8linoEs

The endless-seeming Election Period is now, at last, behind us. For those who would like to indulge themselves in one
final wallow, check out this ultra-entertaining (Adult-themed) Puzzling Evidence video clip from the ADH Pirate
Cat radio show featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete “Savant” Goldie and the additional appearance of special guests
Presidential Candidate John McTaint and vivacious wife Sindi McTaint.
Go to:

See you Wednesday night!