Our next show is, once again, at The Dark Room, 2263 Mission St. between 19th and 20th, less than four blocks from B.A.R.T.

Showtime is 10:00 PM, with doors open for this performance at around 9:45. 

In the current, monthly run of Ask Dr. Hal! we follow whatever show is headlining at the popular theater, in this case Dirty Dancing– Live! which begins around 8:00 PM. If you come for the 8 O’clock, you may stay for Ask Dr. Hal! –since our show is, once again, FREE of charge to the public.

With Your Host– John Hell of Radio Valencia – Visions and patented “EyeNoise” from the incredible talents of KrOB – I.T. Wrangling from the dextrous digital digits of Sherilyn Connelly – the far-reaching Space Science Report of our own Boffo Boffin, Pete Goldie - Special Guest Star Whitman McGowan, celebrated poet-performer – Monster Movie Moment, KrOB’s Kartune, 2-Minute Dance Party and other familiar attractions. In addition, Special Mystery Guests may appear, as in the case of last month’s show when musician Mary-Go-Round took the stage to win herself new fans with her spirited accordion-and-song presentation. Who will it be this time? The challenge of the KrOB Moment will arise for those who dare to meet it. As always, good questions shall be rewarded one way or another– perhaps with a palatable potation, perhaps with a Bardic Recitation from the attics and lumber rooms of Dr. Hal’s sprawling recollection. Poet Rusty Rebar has consented to start us off with an Invocation.

All this and more will happen at The Dark Room on Friday night. For Dark Room Information, call (415) 401-7987.

NEWS

ADH SLAYS ‘EM IN SEBASTOPOL, CA.

The Ask Dr. Hal! Show– Lite recently played in Sebastopol. While guests readily wolfed down Chef Antonio’s superb Italian Country Cuisine, the Dinner Theater presentation brought ADH new fans, who, we’re told, are still talking about May 11th’s show. This despite the fact that family responsibilities kept Pete Goldie from appearing, no Monster Movie Moment was forthcoming from the coils of KrOB’s equipment and no I.T. adjunct to the question-and-answer portion of the performance was offered. Still, a splendid time was had by all. Watch for  documentary coverage on Puzzling Evidence’s You Tube channel, since Puzz was there to record the show for posterity. We believe that a repeat performance will take place somewhere along the line. We’ll announce when.

DR. HAL AT S.F. CACOPHONY SOCIETY EVENTS

The launch of John Law’s new book on the doings of S.F.’s late, great Cacophony Society begins with a reading at City Lights Bookstore at Columbus and Broadway. ADH’s own Dr. H. Owll will contribute, with a reading from an essential text, to the multi-performer presentation. The event, free to the public, begins at 7:00 PM on the night of May 16th. Copies of the book, Tales of the San Francisco Cacophony Society, published by Last Gasp of San Francisco, will be available for purchase– and signing. More may happen after the reading in the spirit of the occasion.

IVAN STANG, YES MEN JOIN DR. HAL AT “UNOFFICIAL” CACOPHONY EVENT AT THE CASTRO

May 31st will bring a mammoth show that evening at San Francisco’s historic Castro Theater. ADH founder “Chicken” John Rinaldi has assembled a historic turba philosophorum to celebrate the great days of S.F. Cacophony and the new book.

Once again, copies of the book will be offered for sale. Although John Law, the volume’s co-author, will be unavoidably detained (in mid-flight on a plane to France) at the time of the show, attendees will encounter famed Networked Disruptors The Yes Men and other prominent figures in the still-evolving world of creative opposition to the Normative. The Very Reverend Ivan Stang, Sacred Scribe of the Church of the SubGenius, will be flown in to MC the event, aided by ADH’s own Dr. Hal. The live presentation will be augmented by film showings and surprises.Watch this space for further information as it develops.

PARDON US– SITE UNDER (RE)CONSTRUCTION!

For reasons only known to the Gods of the Digital Demesne, this Site has been unavailable to Dr. Hal for many moons. Only recently, changes in WordPress and other entities have allowed the System to relent and admit modification once again.

Meanwhile, like a house or building that goes too long without maintenance, part of the site, the Gallery (to the right of this section) has fallen in. No more pictures may be shown at present, nor have we yet been able to remove the digital gobbledygook that has replaced them. We are endeavoring to repair this and other problems, and hope those who rely on this site for information about our future shows (if there are such people) will be patient as we continue to wrestle with seemingly intractable problems. Anyone who feels she or he can offer help should contact Dr. Hal at

hal@askdrhal.com

Thanks!

The Ask Dr. Hal!  Show leaves its usual stamping grounds to appear in Sebastopol, California this coming Saturday, the 11th of May 2013, from 7:00 to 9:00 PM.

The Mother’s Day event at a private location, a fully realized Dinner Theater featuring the traditional Italian cuisine of Chef Antonio, will also showcase children’s theater with ADH’s own Girl Friday, Spy Emerson.

The magic of KrOB, audio-visuals of a rare and unique variety, make up part of this special show. 20 seats remain available at $49 per seat. To reserve yours, or to receive more information, go to:

secret.garden.sebastopol@gmail.com

by Srednarg Nuthatsch

SAN FRANCISCO - The Ask Dr. Hal! Show will happen for one time during this month of August, on the Eighteenth– a Saturday.

And, confusingly for some Ask Dr. Hal! followers, the location of the venue for the notorious show has been changed. 

Yes, the run at Viracocha has ended– or been brought to an end. (See posting of August 7th in this space– Ed.)

This upcoming iteration of ADH, as we call it, will be presented at S.P.A.C.E. in the J.R. “Bob” Dobbs Memorial Hall, as has happened in a previous year. See…

http://www.askdrhal.com/news/ask-dr-hal-show-20-conversations-with-dr-hal-number-five

In the year 2009, as you may be reminded if you cut-and-paste the above URL, we took the show to S.P.A.C.E. (Space Preservation Agency for Creative Enterprise).

Now the Conspiracy is shutting them down.

This is the last show to be performed in that large, comfortable, high-ceilinged room. Ever.  

We’re doing Ask Dr. Hal! there one final time. After our show, stay for the special Dance Party.

In addition to socializing and dancing, according to Skot Kuiper, director-owner of S.P.A.C.E., refreshments will include Punch and Pie. Yes, Pie. 

ADMISSION:

$5.00 and up– sliding scale; whatever you can donate. Proceeds go to offset the costs of breaking down S.P.A.C.E.

TIME:

Doors open at 8:00 PM. Ask Dr. Hal! starts at 8:30. Dance Party starts immediately after show.

LOCATION:

S.P.A.C.E. is South of Market. The address is 354 5th St. Another door to the building is on 200 Clara St.  There will be a sign, Skot says– look for it.

The night has a theme, and the theme is Titanic, as in the late, lamented ocean liner (not the new one they’re now constructing). Dress your Titanic best.

  Jumping Off! Featuring the Ask Dr. Hal! Show!

An ending event of Titanic proportions– celebrating the end of SPACE.

This is the last Ask Dr. Hal! Show until October. 

OH-SO-HIP VENUE FINDS ADH TOO CHALLENGING FOR GROOVY TRUST-FUNDERS

by Blentley Fludd

Special to the Dr. Hal Report

San Francisco– It’s official– the  run of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show at Viracocha, scene of recent performances, has been terminated by the management.

Citing “drug use on stage” as the reason (?), Viracocha brass nixed the popular night club event as “not right for us.”

The club will devote its stage time to various indistinguishable rock bands, the Dr. Hal Report has learned.

In a climate of the city’s War On Fun (see web site), Viracocha solons were unwilling to risk their spot on the map to put on a curious question-and-answer show.

Of course, the rock bands are just as illegal as anything else there, according to Byzantine regulations and a permit process the City of San Francisco’s cops use to prevent all but the most middle-of-the-road, bland, “approved” entertainments from happening (“Greater Tuna,” anyone?).

If they’re so worried about legitimacy, quipped one ADH performer, “why don’t they fix their [highly illegal lack of] a street door in the case of fire?” We here at the Dr. Hal Report see the whole thing as a question of priorities. ‘Nuff said.

Future Dr. Hal shows will happen this year, though. Negotiations are now underway between ADH bookers and Stagewerx. More on this to come!

And, for your Dr. Hal fix, all you fans of the show, don’t miss our farewell to S.P.A.C.E. -themed Ask Dr. Hal! show at the J.R. “Bob” Dobbs Memorial Hall, where ADH trod the boards a few scant years ago. Mark your calendars– the Ask Dr. Hal! Show at S.P.A.C.E., proceeds to benefit Skot Kuiper and the former S.P.A.C.E. crew, will take place this month– the night of August 18th, 2012.

The show will start at 8:00 PM. Following the show, a DJ’d Dance Party will round out the evening. All are welcome. Come to be present at the End of an Era!

And WATCH here for announcements of future shows! In October and November, ADH will come roaring back!

=====THIS FRIDAY, JUNE 1st!======
VIRACOCHA, ASSOCIATED ARTISTS & THE CHURCH OF THE SUBGENIUS  BRING YOU
ASK DR. HAL!
FOUNDED 1998 by CHICKEN JOHN.
You’ll Pay to Know
What You Really Think  
At VIRACOCHA,998 Valencia St.
CORNER OF VALENCIA ST. & 21ST
Admission $10.00
Doors Open 8:00 PM – Show begins 8:30 PM
(Please Note Early Start Time)
THE CONTINUING SPECTACLE OF ASK DR. HAL!
AN UNMATCHED LINE-UP OF ARTISTES & STARS JOINS THE SHOW FOR A
NIGHT OF UNPARALLELLED ENTERTAINMENT. COME ONE, COME ALL.

With Special Guest Opening Act:
CAROL DENNEY & FRIEND(S)

===================================
The Dr. Hal Report         
Vol.   XVI                                                             No.3

“When Time who steals our years away Shall steal our pleasures too,
The mem’ry of the past will stay, And half our joys renew.”

–Thomas More (1477-1535)
“It is not every question that deserves an answer.”
–Publius Syrus (42 B.C.)
Maxim 581

Ask Dr. Hal! Blazons its Beacon Once Again at Viracocha–
FORMER AFRICAN RITUAL MAGIC CENTER TURNS OUT TO BE “THE PLACE”
by Byron Harris
San Francisco– Once it was Botanica Yoruba, a space for the practice of an esoteric,
ethnic Supernatural worship combining elements of Christian, African, Cuban and Mexican traditions.
And, if you had anything to do with the so-called “Occult,” it was a great place to get hard-to-find, and we
mean really hard-to-find, supplies…
But, that, of course, was before the relentless Juggernaut of Gentrification drove this business away, as
it continues to do to so many others from “old” Valencia Street, with the flaming sword of grotesquely
increased rent. In its place, you now find Viracocha, an institution so extremely “hip” that one cannot
easily tell what kind of an establishment it is (once we saw hipsters being conspicuously shaved in in
antique barber’s chairs in there, though “Bob” knows it’s not a barber shop –Heaven forfend such a
utilitarian service exist amidst the clutch of chi-chi restaurants and overpriced, cutesy-pie boutiques).
They’ve got an antique movie projector there and all sorts of scavenged knick-knacks, priced for the 99%.
Anyway, in the basement underneath Viracocha, no doubt the very same place where they used to cut
the heads off chickens for their… er, sacrifices, now from time to time a different ceremony is enacted
there, featuring Dr. Hal, KrOB, Pete Goldie and the usual suspects: the Ask Dr. Hal! Show.
It’s a long, low room, with comfortable seating, tables for some, a screen for KrOB’s creations, full
sound board and many other features we are prohibited from mentioning lest we bring the City’s army
of Agents of the corrupt Permit Process, hands outstretched for the mordida, down on our hosts’ expensively
coiffed craniums (And these features, we hasten to add, are those our audience are sure to like. More on
them can’t be said here). No, but seriously– we kid Viracocha. We love Viracocha.
And don’t worry about the displaced Botanica Yoruba– Yolanda and the same staff of spiritual consultants
just moved a few blocks away to 3423 19th St., and, fluent in English, are more than happy to help you.
You can still pick up your Dragon’s Blood, Confusion Oil, High John-the-Conqueror Root and phallus-
shaped candles there, just as on Valencia. Bueno. Ask for Christine’s Sister.
So this Friday will bring, as on others, this month’s iteration of the all-new Ask Dr. Hal! show.
But we must stress, once again, that this run of Ask Dr. Hal! is not now being presented, as of old, at its former habitation, the famous Chez Poulet Galerie-Cabaret. Instead, for the time being, we now offer our
Spring-Into-Summer Show at Viracocha, 998 Valencia Street, the corner of 21st & Valencia near Ritual
Roasters and the entire Valencia Street “Scene.”
The name Viracocha, by the way, refers to the Great Creator God in  pre-Inca and Inca mythology in the Andes region of South America.

“You Can’t Keep a Good Show Down– Unless You Mean the One You’re Keeping Down– in the Basement.”
– Obscure Saw

Yes, it’s in the basement. Not just figuratively, but literally Underground. And it’s really nice down there.
Our recent ventures have shown that these shows –with ancillary acts– can still be profitable, even
enough to pay off guest performers. But note well that such a Utopian scheme greatly depends on a
decent-sized audience. Please attend, then, & cause this theoretical concept to be born again, into
reality.
It’s all about butts in seats, to put it baldly.
As for Chicken John himself, no, we haven’t sacrificed him– he’s taking a sabbatical from the show
during the current season. Also conspicuously absent will be Yo-yo Champion & Internet Proxy Surfer
David Capurro, who wants to spend more time with his family.
On June 1st, the rôle of Chicken John will be played by Mr. John Hell, Chief Inspector, Grand Pandjandrum & Factotum of free-form radio sensation Radio Valencia.
The part of David Capurro, performed at our last show by the redoubtable Sean “Grey Balloon” Kelly,
will be interpreted by Mable Syrup, a Sister of Professional Effulgence.

A LINE-UP THAT’LL LIGHT UP THE NIGHT!
FIRST…
KrOB’S KR-R-R-A-A-AZY KARTOON!
Just before each performance begins, at precisely 8:30 PM, we screen a great animated cartoon– each
one seven minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever committed to film. And you shouldn’t miss this one.
POPEYE SOLVES THE MIDDLE-EAST CRISIS WITH HIS FISTS AND A CAN OF SPINACH in the Fleischer Bros. Super-Cartoon, ”

“Popeye the Sailor Meets Ali Baba’s Forty Thieves” (1937)

This week KrOB proudly presents a marvelous selection, one of three 17-minute Popeye epics produced
by the doomed Fleischer Studios at the height of their economic and creative power.
This stuff just does not get shown anywhere any more, but we are determined that it shall not fade
away into a devastated landscape of badly conceived and badly done contemporary animation, hobbled
by “PC” issues and looming corporate control.
In (almost all) other issues of The Dr. Hal Report we have described what the American theatrical cartoon
was all about, and we’ve also told before how wartime strictures and the dominance of Disney crushed the
Fleischer Studios.
But back in the day, Popeye was flying high, and these specially elaborate masterpieces — the Popeye
Color Feature Series, as they were known, were more than twice as long as the standard cartoon of the
time, produced in ageless Technicolor and breathtakingly packed with artistry and proprietary special effects.
We’ve shown two of these before: Popeye The Sailor Meets Sindbad the Sailor (1936) and Popeye Meets
Aladdin and His Wonderful Lamp (1939) respectively. Although Dr. Hal likes Popeye meets Sindbad the best,
and few like Aladdin the best, the critics pretty much all hail Ali Baba as the most entertaining and successful
of the triumvirate.
According to Wikipedia, The Fleischer Studios’ effects for this cartoon were produced with their Multiplane
camera.
This is not quite correct.
Disney developed the Multiplane camera, a (pre-digital) device for moving into a cartoon as opposed to across
the screen. No time here to say how it works. There’s one in the Disney Family Museum in the Presidio. Check it
out– very impressive. You mean to say you haven’t gone?
The Fleischers’ solution to the dimensional problem was not a Multiplane camera. Instead, they actually built
fully realized elaborate miniature sets. Animation cels were vertically mounted before and among these. The
results are dreamlike and eerie in our cartoon. Only the Fleischers did this. They called it their “Stereoptical
Process.”
Directed by Dave Fleischer and (uncredited) Willard Bowsky. Lyrics and music by Sammy Timberg. Also
featuring J. Wellington Wimpy and Olive Oyl. Perennial antagonist Bluto appears in the villain’s role of Abu
Hassan. There is no character named Ali Baba in this cartoon, but if you remember your Arabian Nights, it was
the sorcerer-bandit-warlord Abu Hassan who had the secret cave of treasure which only opened to a cryptic
password (Open sesame). Ali Baba the merchant eventually achieved the treasure, largely through the wit and
daring of Morgiana, the sexy and beautiful slave who eventually was freed and betrothed to Ali Baba’s son for
saving his family many times over– read the story). The Iraquis of today who call bandits “Ali Baba” are therefore
in error.
There’s no Morgiana in this cartoon, but there is Olive Oyll (voiced by Mae “Betty Boop” Questel). And there is
Popeye, cheerfully chewing the unappetising, beard-like mass of extracted-from-a-can spinach to fuel his mighty
retaliation against the (presumably) Islamic hordes. Wonder why they don’t show this one all that much?
Censored versions have appeared recently. Not for us. Not on KrOB’s watch. Oh, yes, we plan to give you the
whole thing complete and uncut. So join us on this last Friday night of the month, in time to catch up with yet
another treasure of your once-vigorous Nation’s vanished, irreplaceable popular culture. See how good
hand-drawn animated cartoons once used to be. Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment that the cartoon ends. So be on time! That’s 8:30 PM.

THEN…
OPENING ACT: CAROL DENNEY, SINGING VOICE OF CONSCIENCE
Musician, singer, Pepper Spray Times writer/editor, Fiddlers for Peace founder, activist. Veteran of civil liberties and social
justice movements, voted Best of the Bay 2001 by the San Francisco Bay Guardian, Best Solo Performer by the 2002 East
Bay Express readers’ poll. Honoree of the 2003 City of Berkeley Commission on the Status of Women for civil liberties
activism, 2004 honoree by the City of Berkeley for homeless advocacy, 2009 Oldtime Spirit award winner from the Augusta
Music Heritage Festival, curator of the Deep Poetry Project. Innovative guitarist and English concertina player, original and
traditional songs. Voted Best Female Artist at PirateCat Radio in SF in 2010. Nominated to the Revolutionary Poets’ Brigade
by former poet laureate of San Francisco Jack Hirschman in 2010. Inventor of the chairapillar. We were fortunate to book
this act. She will be accompanied by at least one other– no names available at presstime. And we hope she won’t
find the rest of our show too excessively frivolous…

AND…
PETE GOLDIE ROAMS THE DISTANT REACHES OF THE STARRY VOID!

Actually, Pete’s pretty good within our own home Solar System, too. And he has breaking Astronomy news this
time. An Eclipse is coming! And the Transit of Venus! On that– yes, the next Transit of Venus– when that Orient
Planet passes directly between the Sun and Earth, becoming visible against (and hence obscuring [technically]
a small-ish portion of) the Solar disk. During this, Venus can be seen from Earth as a small black disk crawling
across the face of the Sun. The duration of such Transits is usually measured in hours (the Transit of 2004 lasted
six). It’s somewhat similar to a Solar Eclipse by the Moon, which we were privileged lately to view, along with other
heavenly sights, in Petrolia, California. While the diameter of Venus is almost four times that of the Moon, Venus
appears smaller, and travels more slowly across the Sun’s radiant countenance, because she is much farther away
from Earth than our nearest celestial neighbor, our outsized Moon. Venus is about 25,476,218 miles, or 41 million
kilometers away at this time of year. She’s the closest planet to us.
Pete is rarin’ to go with this particular paideutic presentation– because Transits of Venus are among the rarest of
predictable astronomical phenomena. In fact, they occur in a pattern that repeats only every 243 years, with pairs
of Transits eight years apart separated by long gaps of 121.5 years and 105.5 years. The previous Transit of the
pair was in 2004, as Pete will remind you– we covered it then, too. But after 2012, the next pair of Transits won’t be
until December, 2117 and December, 2125. In other words, not for 105 years!
Astronomer & Boffo Boffin Pete Goldie each week brings us new discoveries in Space Science & the cosmos.
A quondam NASA consultant, Dr. Goldie is particularly interested in the Cassini Space Probe & often reports its
findings. Indeed, above our stage hangs the eternally present scale model of this voyager into far realms of
alienage & distance. Pete will explain this– that’s what he does.
And he does it all with sardonic humor, dry wit & rhetorical flair. Some people‘s favorite part of the show. He
ends by showing the very latest picture– of his daughter, Daria.
So come down to Viracocha’s (literally) underground salon, where Pete will tell you a-a-l-l-l about it…

AND…
RUSTY REBAR, RUNAWAY RHAPSODIST, RECITES ROLLICKING,
REVERSIONARY RUMINATIONS

Anachronistic, idiosyncratic, iconoclastic, Rusty Rebar has appeared before at Ask Dr. Hal! exercising his
mellifluous minstrelsy. Then, he crooned to the captive audience, –now, he returns to provide a thoughtful respite
from the ottherwise crazed and inane goings-on, the hooting and hollering, the low-comedy gags, the scatalogical
stream of jejune imagery.  Also, he works for peanuts. Dr. Hal and Rusty perform together at Burning Man every
year, probably will this year (though nothing is clear about this year) on the Smaller (Poet’s) Stage in Center Camp
Café. He will make you think a little, which in itself can refresh the mind.
Just this alone is worth the admission price.

AND…
SPY GIRLFRIDAY FOR DYSTOPIC HORIZONS REALTY

Spy Emerson found her passion for unreal estate in the midst of the resonant “dot-com boom.” Exploring many options,
this entrepreneurial go-getter soon developed an (adorable) nose for Best-of-Breed Affordable Artist Housing solutions.
She soon found success, becoming DHR’s “Top Producer,” a title and an honor that she’s held since her first year in
business.
In this economy, housing is a matter of concern to all. Spy helps her clients reach their goals. As she likes to say, quoting
mentor former President George W. Bush, “Make the pie higher– and live your dream.” Whether you’re a welder,
painter, musician, or an “Outsider” Artist working in the medium of, say, bovine earwax, she brings her unique aesthetic
and extraordinary problem-solving communication skills to each negotiated transaction.
Spy’s lived in the Bay Area for many years. She is expert in the diverse neighborhoods, communities, storm surge
floodplains, and other housing locations that the Bay Area has to offer! Yes, from shipping containers to
corrugated domiciles to Mission-style Tubo de Desagüe “micro-mansions,” she’s your gal!

AND…
THE LEGENDARY BEAVER DANCE!

This piece will speak for itself. Shamanistic impersonation/embodiment of animal mana (or soul) is a phenomenon of
the earliest cultures, but not out of place, at certain times, in our own as well.

Also on our programme:
KrOB’s KOMPELLING KLIP: DINOSAUR DEPRAVITY!
Monster Movie Moment– Battle Between Behemoths

A creation revived by KrOB. Millions of years ago, giant dinosaurs roamed the earth. The famous Stegosaurus was one of
these. A genus of stegosaurid armored ornithischian thyreophoran from the Late Jurassic Period (Kimmeridgian to Early
Tithonian) of what is now western North America, Stegosaurus, known from its distinctive tail spikes and plates, is one of the
most recognizable Mesozoic saurians. A large, heavily-built herbivorous quadruped, Stegosaurus had a distinctive and unusual
posture: a heavily arched back, with minute head and short forelimbs held very low to the ground. This has been described
(by someone we can’t remember) as being like “a fat man doing push-ups.” The massive, muscular tail, terminating in (usually)
two pairs of flesh-piecing spikes, was held higher when not serving as a tripodal prop to support the beast when it reared up to
forage.
The spectacular array of plates and spikes have been the subject of much speculation. Stegosaurs were most diverse in the
late Jurassic, though the genus Dravidosaurus actually lived in southern India in the late Cretaceous, when the group went
extinct with the rest of the Dinosauria.
Larger than such other stegosaurids as Kentrosaurus and Huayangosaurus, the roughly bus-sized Stegosaurus nevertheless
shared many of the same anatomical features, including the tail spines and plates, which were seen in most other stegosaur
genera. Now KrOB has prepared another dazzling “edit” across 210 million years of Evolution. Once more the moist, froggy
bellowing and bleating of the Stegosaurus will sound as it waddles into battle in the subterranean confines of Viracocha. Once
again, more rip-roaring stop-motion animation from Willis O’Brien and Ray Harryhausen, with “The KrOB Touch.” Or, not.
KrOB may decide to show what happens after the hapless Steg is butchered by a rampaging Ceratosaurus nasicornis, as two
of these brutes fight over the remains. We’ll have to find out. All from the voluminous visual files of mighty KrOB.
This absolutely educational and scientific presentation is offered as part of our ongoing show.
If you missed it before, catch it this time!

NEWS
DR. HAL & ASSOCIATES NOW WRITING FOR RAW STORY.COM– NAT’N'L NEWS BLOG

Fans of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, both the upcoming live show on June 1st and the weekly radio show on RadioValencia.FM,
(87.9 FM Fridays, 10 PM to Midnight), will probably be interested– since they’ve read this far, after all, in reading even more of
the writing of Dr. Hal. Go, then, to www.rawstory.com/ –and read his hard-hitting editorial essays about Newt Gingrich, Jesus,
Creationists, American decadence and Monsters– to name a few topics. This site has it all– including pieces by Ask Dr. Hal!
Show frequent attendees Earl Yazel and Cyberpunk author John Shirley. It even has articles– and video! –from Church of the
SubGenius Sacred Scribe Rev. Ivan Stang. At the site, click on Dr. Hal’s drawing of a bird’s nest, to the right of the main column,
and be whisked to “Culture Clutch” –Raw’s reservation for this unruly writer’s group. Feel free to add your Comments to the
(often-vituperative) others…

SOCIAL NOTES

The March 30 Viracocha show was a fancy feather in our collective cap… whether or not we deserved it, things went well… the
Opening Act thing– glad we revived ‘em –seems to be doing good for us. Actually, they don’t all open for the show any more, not
since zippy Zero Boy made the suggestion (accepted!) that we interweave ‘em… They just keep coming on throughout the show– visit
us on Friday & you’ll see what we mean… Phabulous Phoenix the Singing Harp Lady & her instrument were both in top form to send
us off; righteous Raff offering offstage encouragement… professorial Pete Goldie dished out the Science beneath the dangling Cassini
Probe Spacecraft model, whose maintenance staff, primarily princely Paul Pot, has been keeping it in trim… Jaunty John Hell keeps the
wheels turning & makes it look easy… Sedulous Sean Kelly handled the IT interface as one to the manner born. Ever since dauntless
Dave Capurro walked away, we’ve had some fine followers in his legendary loafers– reckless Robert Levy, supernal Sean & now, if all
goes according to Hoyle, mystery woman Mable Syrup will be at the digital toggles… Aand, we had the devastating Devil-Ettes, a
thundering herd of comely chorus girls go-go dancing us to Intermission… King Kogar the groovy gorilla was also seen dancing in the
aisles, and aisle swear there was another syncopated simian as well… ‘Twas jackpot Jamie Pickard who brought in beautiful Baby Doe,
a.k.a. devastating Dorinda von Stroheim and the rest, & we’re in her debt, you bet… Say, Devil-Ettes– want to do it again? Check it out,
everybody– surely you view peripatetic Puzzling Evidence’s videos on YouTube & Vimeo? No? Here’s the show– Devil Girls are just abt.
half an hour in:

http://vimeo.com/39752946

Boy, did we luck out that nite… so did our comely crowd– & wotta crowd… a swell bunch o’
swells… like, f’rinstance, jovial John Law, brawny Bishop Joey, who’s just had a birthday we hear, bye the bye, renowned Rusty Rebar, a
most palatable poet, & manly Michael Peppe, p’fawmance ahteest to the Stars… Then we had kingly Kiko Aumond, now a proud papa
with joyous Jennifer “Jennalex” Alexander, Mrs. Kiko– the newest Aumond is li’l Lúcia Alexander– no doubt a future attendee. Kinky
Kiko also just had a birthday. What is it with all these births & birthdays? Doughty Daniel took in ADH for the 1st time, but we saw BRC’s
“Picasso” Pepe Ozan (a.k.a Papa Loko) there at least 1nce before… Wandering thru were meandering Michael Lyons & murmuring Mark Mcgothigan… More firmly ensconced, the fabled Smoke Pot Guys: Krazy Ken Kneisel avec sidekick phrantic Phineas T. Smokepott…
Was that smilin’ Steve Mobia? Dapper Don Bruce appeared with tempestuous Tracy Feldstein; who was the lucky, lucky lad with ravishing Lucky Star
Robin Coomer? Righteous Robin, for those who are paying attention, just aced the giant Black Sabbath tribute show at the Independent
with Tiger Honey Pot & the Xtra Action Marching Band– grand! Good Lord! the beauties who come out for these shows. That one room
at Viracocha showcased lovely Linda Snyder, joy-inducing Jeanette, heavenly Hillary Seidner, delectable DeLynn Parker & just-plain-
gorgeous Justin Credible, who looks good in (& out of) everything… Kurvaceous Kimmie Joan caused devoted Dr. Hal’s heart to fibrillate
& flutter…  Jaunty Julie Holabird our libido stirred… Lively Leslie Sternbergh Alexander dropped in to take a gander… Marvelous Margery
accompanied (literally!) wizardly Whitman McGowan as he did his stuff… Willing Walter Laing squired sleek, sly Spy Emerson… On the
south wall a giant painting by artist luscious Lynn Rubenzer fronted the goings-on; in it were depicted some of the attenders– you could see
Kommandant KrOB presiding over the show, then turn your eyes to  the painted version… Bright-eyed Brody Scotland & BF Ben are usually
seen at the show… Let’s not forget captivating Connie Dobbs, our Special Guest at the fest… we know we never will… THANX 2 1 & ALL.

                                        BOILERPLATE
Ask Dr. Hal! founded by Chicken John Rinaldi in 1998. A popular favorite for 12 years in varied cities & venues.
A legendary performance. Scientific. Educational. NOT for children & those easily shocked. A memorable night out.
“Ask & ye shall receive.” No refunds. Come on time to see the opening acts. Bill is long, & we cannot delay curtain.
Show will end before Midnight. Do YOU have a variety act you would like to perform to open for us? Now taking
submissions. Telephone our booking office at (415) 642-6312. Viracocha information hotline: (415) 374-7048.
Unavoidably, duplication of names on our lists may occur; please excuse, and delete, additional copies of this
mailing if they arrive. WATCH Ask Dr. Hal! on You Tube on the Puzzling Evidence Channel. HEAR Ask Dr. Hal! on
San Francisco’s best Pirate Radio station, listener-supported Radio Valencia.FM. READ the hard-hitting editorials
and musings of Dr. Hal at the national news blog RawStory.com –click on the bird’s nest that says, Culture Clutch.

=====THIS FRIDAY, MARCH 30TH!======
VIRACOCHA, ASSOCIATED ARTISTS & THE CHURCH

OF THE SUBGENIUS  BRING YOU ASK DR. HAL!

FOUNDED 1998 by CHICKEN JOHN.
You’ll Pay to Know…
…what You Really Think   
At VIRACOCHA ,  998 Valencia St.
CORNER OF VALENCIA ST. & 21ST
Admission $10.00
Doors Open 8:00 PM – Show begins 8:30 PM
(Please Note Early Start Time)
AN EVENING WITH DR. HAL AND FRIENDS
AN UNMATCHED LINE-UP OF ARTISTES & STARS JOINS THE SHOW FOR A
NIGHT OF UNPARALLELLED ENTERTAINMENT. COME ONE, COME ALL.

With Special Guest Opening Act:
SOPHIA, THE SINGING HARP LADY!
Also featuring:
ZERO BOY– MANHATTAN’S BEATBOX MIRACLE!
WHITMAN MCGOWAN — POET OF PUISSANCE
THE DEVIL-ETTES — A POUNDING, PULSATING
PHALANX OF PULCHRITUDE– À GOGO!
…AND (BY SPECIAL ARRANGEMENT) THE ONE & ONLY
“CONNIE” DOBBS — CONSORT OF THE EPOPT!
===================================
The Dr. Hal Report  
Vol. XVI,                                                         Number two

“Exuberance is Beauty.”
– Blake.
“The Road of Excess leads to the Palace of Wisdom.”
–Also Blake.

ADH! BARRELS ON WITH 2ND BOLD BACCHANAL
NEW SPACE TURNS OUT TO BE “THE PLACE”
  by Byron Harris
San Francisco– This Friday will bring this month’s iteration of the
all-new Ask Dr. Hal! show. But we must stress, once again, that this run of Ask Dr.
Hal! is not now being presented at its former habitation, the famous Chez Poulet
Galerie-Cabaret. Instead, for the time being, we now offer our End-of-March Show
at Viracocha, a cozy, tucked-away performance space at 998 Valencia Street, the
corner of 21st & Valencia.

” You Can’t Keep a Good Show Down– Unless You Mean the One
You’re Keeping Down in the Basement.”
– Obscure Saw

Heh, heh! We believe Viracocha is a good fit for our show, and that our regular &
expanding audience will enjoy its comfortable atmosphere and amenities. Yes, it’s in the
basement. Not just figuratively, but literally Underground. And it’s really nice down there.

Also, for this & future shows we’re once again reviving our older tradition of pre-shows
& opening acts.
Those who have been paying attention will remember that Our Founder, Chicken
John, actually got rid of all our opening acts, some years ago. He hated to be responsible
for their level of professionalism. He hated the amount of time they added to the show.
And he really hated– you guessed it –to pay them. But–

“We’re Bringin’ ‘em Back!”
Our recent ventures have shown that these shows –with ancillary acts– can still be
profitable, even enough to pay off guest performers. But note well that such a Utopian
scheme greatly depends on a decent-sized audience. Please attend, then, & cause
this theoretical concept to be born again, into reality.] It’s all about butts in seats, to put
it baldly.
As for Chicken John himself, he is taking a sabbatical from the show during the current season. Also conspicuously absent will beYo-yo Champion & Internet Proxy Surfer
David Capurro, who wants to spend more time with his family.
On March 30th, the rôle of Chicken John will be played by Mr. John Hell, Chief Inspector,
Grand Pandjandrum & Factotum of free-form radio sensation, Radio Valencia.
The part of David Capurro will be interpreted by Sean Kelly, of old Spanganga fame.

A LINE-UP THAT WON’T LIE DOWN!

FIRST…
KrOB’S KR-R-R-A-A-AZY KARTOON!
Just before each performance begins, at precisely 8:30 PM, we screen a great
animated cartoon– each one seven minutes of the best theatrical shorts ever
committed to film.
“REASON,” THE PROTO-DEMOCRAT, & “EMOTION,” THE PROTO-REPUBLICAN
This week KrOB proudly presents a marvelous selection, one of the Walt Disney
Studio’s rarely seen wartime propaganda cartoons, Reason and Emotion (1943),
directed for Disney by Bill Roberts. In this interesting film, we’re taken inside the
human head, male and female, to see the “operator,”the little guy inside (literally)
at the controls of the human personality. Haven’t you seen this set-up before?
As we recall, the old Bell Science Series of educational classroom films used it,
too, the one with Dr. Frank Baxter. We’re talking about how inside the human
head, see, there’s actually a harassed little guy sitting behind an enormous,
over-complicated control panel, operating the complex human body. (It goes
without saying that this begs the question of whether there’s an even smaller
gremlin inside that guy’s head, operating him). And, not too recently, you may
recall, in one of his movies Eddie Murphy played the rôle of a microscopic Eddie
Murphy,,, strange concept …inside the head of the full-sized version, operating the
same kind of keyboard. Murphy also, of course, doubled in brass to play that large
version of himself. [OK, completists, that movie is called Meet Dave (2008).] Anyway,
according to our featured cartoon, everybody’s head contains two of these little
characters, each vying for the driver’s seat.
WITH A FAMILIAR 1940′S ANIMATED CARTOON CHARACTER
We’ll say no more here anent the Inner Man concept. But by the way, it seems
that once again we’ll encounter the star of several of our earlier cartoons, the late
German Reichschancellor & Dictator, Adolf Hitler. Boy, that guy really gets
around, doesn’t he? You’re watching a cartoon, and, all of a sudden– huh? There’s
Hitler! Though Reason and Emotion has frequently been shown only as excerpts
in surveys about propaganda films (when it has been shown at all) we plan
to give you the whole thing complete and uncut. So join us on this last Friday
night of the month, in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s
vanished popular culture. See how good hand-drawn animated cartoons once
used to be. Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment that the
cartoon ends. Hitler would want you to be late, wouldn’t he? So be on time!

“The “edited version” is almost worse than nothing at all… It should be seen in
its entirety. The editing doesn’t do a marvelous short [any] justice. Well worth
the trouble to find. Most highly recommended.”
–Robert Reynolds

THEN…
OPENING ACT: SOPHIA, THE SINGING HARP LADY!
We were fortunate to book this act. Sophia plays the harp, yes, & she performs
her own songs as well as traditional ones. Her voice has an emotionally compelling
sweetness & clarity– reportedly, her music has caused the eyes of the crustiest
old hippies to well up with tears in response… As a way of honoring the lyric impulse,
we’re beginning our show on a tranquil note of beauty & melody.

AND…
PETE GOLDIE SETS THE PACE– THROUGH SPACE!
Astronomer & Boffo Boffin Pete Goldie each week brings us new discoveries in
Space Science & the cosmos. A quondam NASA consultant, Dr. Goldie is particularly
interested in the Cassini Space Probe & often reports its findings. Indeed, above our
stage hangs the eternally present scale model of this voyager into far realms of
alienage & distance. He’ll likely give a run-down, perhaps, on how images from Cassini’s
cameras have revealed something that hasn’t been seen so well before: vertical ring
structures that are attributed to the gravitational effects of a 5-mile-wide (8-kilometer-
wide) moon.
RINGS AROUND SATURN
Over most of their area, Saturn’s main rings are only about 30 feet (10 meters) thick, but
the ring particles, thought to be mostly water ice, can be perturbed along their edges
by gravitational interactions with moons that circle in gaps within the rings. The latest
imagery focuses on a tiny moon called Daphnis, which pushes the ring material into
structures that tower as high as a mile (1.5 kilometers). These so-called shepherd
moons of the giant gas planet are thought to be responsible for every gap in the rings–
even for the rings themselves. (Though some gaps don’t seem to have an associated moon,
Pete will (probably) explain that they really do– but these “moonlets” just haven’t been
discovered yet.) With Cassini on the job, however, their discovery may come any day– in
which case Pete will no doubt let us in on it before the official NASA release. That’s right–
privileged information.
SOLAR SYSTEMS GONE HAYWIRE
In young solar systems around just-fledged baby stars, some orbits are more popular than
others, resulting in “planet deserts” or even “planet pile-ups.” Yes, recent findings
indicate that gas giant planets in other star systems are crashing & careening into each
other, smashing everything else nearby right out of its orbit. For a phenomenon you
should ask Pete about is one that has deeply puzzled  various dedicated deep-space
astronomers: rather than occupying orbits at regular distances from a star, giant gas planets
similar to our own system’s Jupiter and Saturn appear to prefer to occupy certain regions in mature
solar systems, while staying clear of others. It seems that high-energy radiation from baby sun-like
stars is the likely force that carves gaps in protoplanetary disks, the clouds of gas & dust that swirl
around young stars, swirling… & swirling… providing the raw materials for planets.
The gaps then act as barricades, corralling planets into certain orbits. The exact locations of
those gaps depend on the mass of these planets, but they generally occur in an area between one
& two astronomical units from the star (One astronomical unit, or AU, marks the average distance
from the Earth to the Sun; 93 million miles). Pete will explain this– that’s what he does.
And he does it all with sardonic humor, dry wit & rhetorical flair. Some people’s favorite part of
the show. He ends by showing the very latest picture– of his daughter, Daria.
So come down to Viracocha’s (literally) underground salon, where Pete will tell you a-a-l-l-l
about it…

AND…
WHITMAN MCGOWAN A.K.A. TRUNGPA BUMBLECHE,
WITH MARGERY SNYDER!
WHITMAN McGOWAN started his spoken word career reading poems at a back-alley
coffeehouse, The Espresso Bar in Pasadena, California, where he put poems for a
dollar each on the menu. After moving North to San Francisco (where his UC Santa
Barbara teacher Kenneth Rexroth previously held a famous salon) he became best
known for crafting a Pagan anthem, “White Folks Was Wild Once, Too,” performed
to great acclaim at last September’s Ask Dr. Hal! Show in Point Arena, California.
Whitman earned his stripes (visible in good light) in performance poetry touring Europe
a number of times around the turn of the Millennium, twice with rock n’ roll revue Le
Cirque Electrique, collaborating with excellent musicians of all types. Along the way
he garnered the title of nightclub wrestling champion of Dresden, Germany (memo to
rowdies: Don’t heckle this guy) & acquired on that same tour an alter ego, Trungpa
Bumbleché. He’s been published in Salon, PUBLIC HOUSE, The Edinburgh Castle Pub
anthology and countless other places. His spoken word & music recordings combine
storytelling, chant, comedy & “talksinging.”  Zeitgeist Press of Berkeley is coming
out later this year with a collection of his greatest performance hits, illustrated by
Firesign Theater art director Bruce Litz.
For us, the S.F. poet adds to the bubbling, seething A.D.H. gumbo with a new special
ingredient: a performance of his recitation “Every 8 Seconds” from his forthcoming,
soon-to-be-released CD “Look What The Cat Dragged In Again,” a number which
features melodious Margery Snyder playing some spooky Debussy on flute.
Just this alone is worth the admission price.

AND…
THE DEVIL-ETTES !
They wear pink miniskirts, white vinyl go-go boots & petite devil horns. And, frankly,
they’re adorable. Sassy, sultry, yet utterly All-American, The Devil-Ettes provide good,
clean fun for kids of all ages! (Especially male kids.)
These go-go goddesses have gained notoriety for “settin’ the fringe a flyin’” at their wacky,
wickedly wild high-energy shows. Keeping the lost art of go-go alive, these gals are living
interpretative masters of the most vivacious dances from the vortex of the heyday of 1960′s
Go-Go, including the Hully Gully, the Jamaican Ska, the Frug, the Watusi and oh, so many
more great dance steps! In addition to numerous performances in their hometown of San
Francisco, the girls’ fancy footwork has taken them to Las Vegas, New Orleans, Los Angeles
and beyond! Moreover, we are pleased to report that these beauties were featured in Atomic
magazine, GQ-Spain, The UTNE Reader, The Spectator, Dance Magazine, Hustler, British
scene magazine The Face & a huge 6-page spread in Deutsches Glamour (that’s Glamour
Magazine’s German edition to you). Local publications often feature them too, including the  cover of the San Francisco Independent, another recent cover feature in the 96 Hours section
of hometown newspaper The San Francisco Chronicle. They’ve gotten a gratifying amount of ink
in The SF Bay Guardian, The SF Weekly (where they were voted Best Garage Rock Dance
Troupe), The San Francisco Examiner and more, many more…
We emphasize– they’re NOT Burlesque performers, they’re NOT strippers, NOT pole
dancers– they’re honest-to-goodness GO-GO DANCERS! Right there before your very eyes.
You’ll think you’ve died and gone to Go-go Heaven.
Indeed, when the time comes, such an assessment may be, in all probability, fairly accurate.

AND…
ZERO BOY!
The performance dynamo known as Zero Boy has appeared with Dr. Hal before, at, for example,
Manhattan’s Theater For The New City in the East Village, & just last year as separate
attractions in Voluption, in Brooklyn, N.Y. And he has just guested in last month’s Ask Dr. Hal! show,
not to mention any number of our shows from earlier years.
Attentive listeners to Dr. Hal’s current radio program on Radio Valencia.FM, also called the Ask
Dr. Hal! Show, have heard him & Dr. Hal together, manically improvising for hours on end.
Now you can see him– live! Folks, he isn’t going to be in this neck of the woods forever. Catch
his act when you can. (This Friday would be a good time.)

” You can’t believe those sounds came out of a human mouth.”
–Kimmie Joan

AND… AND…
CONNIE DOBBS, HERSELF!
PRIMARY WIFE OF J.R. “BOB” DOBBS!
That’s correct, Pilgrim– incredibly, we will feature the ravishing Connie Dobbs, chief wife &
consort of assassinated Church of the SubGenius leader and Epopt, or “Anointed One,” J.R.
“Bob” Dobbs –& head of the Connieite Order within the controversial Church. Expect fireworks
from this tempestuous temptress, more than any ordinary man can handle–& live!

Now, Connie Dobbs make a freight train jump de track,
Connie Dobbs, she make a preacher ball de jack–
I say, dat Connie Dobbs, she make a Saint lay down his Slack.
–Traditional

Also on our programme:
KrOB’s Kompelling Klip: When Chasmosaurs Attack!
Monster Movie Moment– The Attack of a Berserk Chasmosaurine Dinosaur!
A creation revived by KrOB. Thought to have been permanently misplaced, this
chestnut was recently raked from the entropic fires of destruction, separated from
the chaosium & established as an element in the world of harmony.
Once again, frantic, anachronistic cavemen thrash it out with a bellicose behemoth
of the Mesozoic. Not a toothy, temperamental carnivore, either, this time, but a sanguine
Ceratopsian plant-eater. However, “placid” this plant-eater is not. Like the Cape Buffalo
of the present day, the particular Ceratopsian in question may be characterized as
bad-tempered, formidable &, frankly, ferocious.
It may be ill, which would explain its ire. Sick animals often withdraw to attempt to
heal in solitude. And this dinosaur is weirdly hanging out alone in a dark cave, not
what its naturally gregarious species is thought to have done. Our hapless troglodytes
should have known not to intrude, not once but twice– & the infuriated saurian
comes stomping out both times, ripping, bellowing, rampaging, and goring…
Ceratopsians are split into two subfamilies by taxonomists; those with short frills
(centrosaurines) such as Centrosaurus, & those with long frills (chasmosaurines)
like the eponymous Chasmosaurus. In addition to the larger frill, these long-frilled
beasts typically had longer faces & jaws as well– & it is suggested by some
paleontologists that they were most likely a bit more selective about the plants
they ate. Remember, long frills were a relatively late development in dinosaur evolution,
since even Chasmosaurus dates from the Late Cretaceous Period, 76 to 70 million years
before Ask Dr. Hal! The frill of Chasmosaurus has been described as “heart-shaped,”
since its bone structure consists of two large ‘loops’ from a central bone. The name refers
to the two “chasmae,” or holes, in that squamosoparietal frill; most ceratopsians had
openings like this to lighten the weight of that characteristic bony structure (although Triceratops, the most familiar ceratopsian of all, known by name by all children, uniquely
has a solid frill with no holes. Actually, the holes may even have developed very late in the
life of individuals of that species, but there’s no time to get into that here). Some finds
include a number of smaller ossifications (called epoccipitals), which grew clustered on the
outer edge of the frill, all part of this dinosaur’s showy ornamentation to draw the
attention of critical females as part of his mating display. However, we will not call this frill
a “shield.” Not in our write-up. It was so large, & yet so flimsy (since it was mainly skin
stretched between the bones) that it could not, we think, have provided much in the way of
functional defence. It was simply used to appear imposing.
Let’s go further out on this limb & posit a possible secondary function: a heat-exchanger
for purposes of thermoregulation. Why not? It’s our show, after all, an opportunity to
contribute to Science.
Now, like many ceratopsians, chasmosaurs had three main facial horns– one on the nose
& two on the brow. Different fossil finds have produced inconclusive results – one species of
Chasmosaurus, named C. kaiseni, bore long brow horns, while C. belli had only short ones.
Although these were initially named as different species, it now seems possible that sexual
dimorphism was at work, so that the long horns belonged to males & the shorter horns to
females. Could be, could be…
Interestingly, paleontologists have recently recovered some actual fossilized chasmosaur
skin. This skin appears to have had many bony knobs (osteoderms), with five or six sides
each. These knobs, or tubercles, were a standard feature of dinosaur skin. And you will get
a good look at the creature’s skin during its more than one exaggeratedly violent rampages.
You’ll see its epoccipitals, too, as it bashes and mangles its shrieking caveman victims.
Yes, cavemen are variously trampled, impaled, gored & bitten, before the trumpeting,
bellowing Chasm-osaurus meets an equally spectacular demise, from falling from a great
height to its death– into… a chasm, of course. Get it? Ker-splat! –ugghhh…
It’s scientific! Educational!
This is stop-motion animation by the late David Allen & the great Jim Danforth, along
with many other evolutionary ingredients popped into the pot by KrOB to brew up one of the
more popular KrOB Dinosaur Monster Movie Edits. It’s been shown at the Odeon Bar, &
was also exhibited a few years back as part of the I Hate Cartoons Animation Festival,
curated by our old pal Attaboy & narrated then, as it will be the night of Friday, March
30th at Viracocha, 998 Valencia Street, by Dr. Howland Owll.
If you missed it before, catch it this time!

Social Notes
Our 1st Viracocha show back in Feb. was the bee’s knees– after much fretting, sweating
& gnawing our claws, the whole thing went pretty well… We had a good-sized crowd early
enough on so that we could start KrOB’s Kartoon right at half-past eight,  just the way we
wanted… Back in the old Odeon days & after, we’d almost always have to wait until around
10 PM or later before we could get started… don’t know why… there was a missing cable, or
gorilla suit or something… but now… wow! We’re started earlier & we have room for beaucoup
variety! Like zestful Zero Boy, f’r example! Manhattan’s Beatbox Barnstormer was well met
with his 30 min. set… He’ll be back for more this Fri., you bet… He’s been helping demented
Dr. Hal improvise free-form stream-of-consciousness radio on The Ask Dr. Hal! Show on
Radio, on S.F.’s own radical RadioValencia.FM… ahem… No kidding, give it a listen… With
podcasts you can “tune in” any time… And beyond our hero Zoroastrian Zero we had plenty
more going on, but plenty… Those Pandemonium Puppets, now, they larruped & lampooned
Controversial Candidate Republican Ron Paul, & limelighter Lucky Anderson brought down the
house with his prodigious feets of strength… Truly a marvel…Guests at the fest included joyous
Jeanette, luscious Linda Snyder, moving Maggie Matulia, just-plain-gorgeous Jamie Pickard,
ravishing Robin Coomer, magnificent Mickey and jaunty John Shirley, puissant Paul Mavrides,
krazy Ken Kneisel, languid Leslie Sternbergh & kurvaceous Kimmie Joan,.. Among manly
men in attendance were magnificent Moss, stalwart Steve Mobia & steadfast Sean Taylor…
Working for the show we had on our side righteous Robert Levy, kreative KrOB & sprightly Spy
Emerson who kavorted with karefree KrOB & wild man Walter Laing, as all the while peripatetic
Puzzling Evidence recorded everything with the all-seeing Eye of his constant camera…
View the whole show, or at least a chunk of it, on You Tube, Rube, on his Puzzling Evidence
Channel… We boasted the host with the most as jolly John Hell dispensed bon mots & Fernet
shotz… Winsome winners of the coveted Golden Rutabaga Award were the studly Smoke Pot
Guys; accepting on their behalf (princely Phineas T. Smokepott & placid Pete Puffinstuff) kingly
Ken Kneisel sadly didn’t get to his thank-yous before overeager flunkies forced him from the stage.
Meanwhile, saboteurs had slipped sultry Spy Girlfriday a mickey, but she still managed to present
the golden trophy– kachinnating Ken raised it high & declared “I’m king of the world!” Well, maybe
you had to be there. But… if so, why weren’t you? Come this time!

==The Ask Dr. Hal! Show!==
– Featuring the eerie powers of
Dr. Howland Owll
With your host JOHN HELL of Radio Valencia -
With Patented “Eyenoise,” Special Visual Effects,
Monster Clips, Soundscape & Musical Distortion by
KrOB
Science Department: PETE GOLDIE
I.T. Liaison: SEAN KELLY
Girl Friday: SPY EMERSON
MYSTERY GUESTS – BARDIC RECITATIONS -
SOPHIA THE HARP LADY, WHITMAN MCGOWAN,
ZERO BOY & CONNIE DOBBS HERSELF -
BRUTAL DINOSAUR ATTACK – ANIMATED CARTOON -
GIRLS – GAGS – SURPRISES – FERNET SHOTS -

== Come One, Come All! ==
————————————————————————————————-

BOILERPLATE
Ask Dr. Hal! founded by Chicken John Rinaldi in 1998. A popular favorite for 12 years in varied cities & venues.
A legendary performance. Scientific. Educational. NOT for children & those easily shocked. A memorable night out.
“Ask & ye shall receive.” No refunds. Come on time to see the opening acts. Bill is long, & we cannot delay curtain.
Show will end before Midnight. Do YOU have a variety act you would like to perform to open for us? Now taking
submissions. Telephone our booking office at (415) 642-6312. Viracocha information hotline: (415) 374-7048.
WATCH Ask Dr. Hal! on You Tube on the Puzzling Evidence Channel. HEAR Ask Dr. Hal! on
San Francisco’s best Pirate Radio station, listener-supported Radio Valencia.FM
 

The Church of the SubGenius
Associated Artists & Viracocha
present
=====ASK DR. HAL! =====
Forms of Things Unknown
Saturday, February 11th

VIRACOCHA – 998 Valencia St.

Admission $10.00
Doors Open 8:00 PM – Show begins 8:30 PM

ASK DR. HAL! RETURNS!
=======You Can’t Keep a Good Show Down =======

The Ask Dr. Hal! show is coming back– at a new location!

AN EVENING WITH DR. HAL AND FRIENDS
A VARIEGATED SPECTRUM OF ARTISTES & STARS. A PREVIEW NIGHT OF
OUR RETURN. COME ONE, COME ALL. IT IS HAPPENING AGAIN, AT LAST.
With Special Guest Opening Act:
ZERO BOY!
===================================
The Dr. Hal Report                   
Vol.XVI                                                                     No. 1
“The Earth doth like a Snake renew
Her Winter Weeds outworn.”
–Shelley.
“Our Shelter from the Stormy Blast.”
–Isaac Watts.
   “…snug
As a Bug in a Rug.” –Benjamin Franklin

ADH! RETURNS AFTER LONG ABSENCE
NEW SPACE ADDS SPICE– BUT AS NICE?

   by Byron Harris

San Francisco– This coming Saturday marks the
debut of the all-new Ask Dr. Hal! show.

Or perhaps, the date actually marks a re-continuance
of the old show, the same old show in many respects.

This iteration of Ask Dr. Hal! will not, however, be
presented once again at its former habitation, the famous
Chez Poulet Galerie-Cabaret.

For the time being, we have parted ways with Chez
Poulet and now offer our February Preview Show at
Viracocha, a cozy, tucked-away performance
space at 998 Valencia Street, the corner of 21st &
Valencia.

“You Can’t Keep a Good Show Down–
Unless You Mean the One You‘re Keeping
Down in the Basement.”

We believe Viracocha is a good fit for our show, and that
our regular & expanding audience will enjoy its
comfortable atmosphere and amenities.

And for this & future shows we’re reviving our older
tradition of pre-shows and opening acts.
Our Founder, Chicken John, got rid of the opening acts
some years ago.

He hated to be responsible for their level
of professionalism. He hated the amount of time they
added to the show. And he really hated– bless him! to
pay them. But–   

We‘re Bringin’ ‘em Back!

Our recent ventures have shown that these shows
can still be profitable, even enough to pay off guest
performers.

[Of course, such a Utopian scheme greatly depends
on a decent-sized audience to pull off that sort of thing.
Please attend and cause this theoretical concept to be
born again, into a reality.]

As for Chicken John himself, he is taking a sabbatical
from the show during the current season. Also conspicuously
absent will beYo-yo Champion and Internet Proxy Surfer David
Capurro.  

FIRST…
KrOB’S KR-R-R-A-A-AZY KARTOON!
“Book Revue!” (1946)
Just before every performance begins, we screen a great
animated cartoon– each one seven minutes of the best
theatrical shorts ever committed to film. And this week,
we’re presenting a mind-boggling work of our favorite
all-time animation director, Bob Clampett (1913­1984).
The film: the outstanding Warner Bros. short, Book Revue
(1945). In 1994 it was voted #45 of The 50 Greatest Cartoons
of all time by members of the animation field. At first, Book
Revue seems to be one of those pedestrian cartoons wherein
“after Midnight, books in a bookstore come to life” of the
type that frequently appeared under the Merrie Melodies banner
(such as 1938′s Have You Got any Castles). But it quickly
spins wildly out of control from this sedate premise in true
Clampett style as a manic Daffy Duck (Clampett’s Daffy, not
Chuck Jones’s Duck) enters and takes over.
The cartoon is loaded with puns and pop culture references,
even by Warner standards. After this lampoon, Warner never
issued another cartoon of that genre– the subject had been
exhausted.
Like all Clampett cartoons, Book Revue (later released as Book
Review, spoiling the pun), has run into censorship problems in
this over-protective, social-engineered age.
For example, Daffy’s line about “La Cucharacha,” “So round,
so firm, so fully packed, so easy on the draw” is often cut by
the crowd of PC Nervous Nellies (possibly because of its
sexual innuendo), though this line is actually one of the taglines
for Lucky Strike cigarettes. Actually, the same people don’t
want you to mention the cigarettes, either, come to think of it.
Oh, well– forget them– we are, as always, taking pains to give
you the whole thing, complete and uncut. So join us this
Saturday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet
another treasure of your Nation’s once flourishing but now
(that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished
popular culture. Be amazed at how good a cartoon can be. 

Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment
the cartoon ends. So be on time!

Then…
Opening Act: Pandemonium Puppet Theatre!
Aristotle (384 BC – 322 BC) uses puppets as an exemplum in his
noted work, De Motu Animalium (On the Motion of Animals).
To refresh your memory, that formidable Hellenic sage wrote:
“The movements of animals may be compared with those of
automatic puppets, which are activated on the occasion of a tiny
movement; the levers are released, and strike the twisted strings
against one another.” [N.B. Aristotle here sounds the same note as
pioneering entomologist J. Henri Fabré, who famously described
insects as "puppets" jerked about by "instinct," whatever that is.
It all depends on who is pulling the strings, we guess.]
But the origin of puppet movement, though puppets are set
going by numerous methods– rods, strings, levers, stop motion
animation and so on –is the human hand. Come view a puppet
show which we think even old Aristotle would like. Puppets– those
little bastards can get away with just about anything (though we
intend to test this), according to puppetrix Spy Emerson.
From the folks who periodically bring you, “Happy Forever.”

Then…
Opening Act: Zero Boy!

“Zero Boy is the Elvis of the onomatopoeia, a man who has taken a
Junior High school lunchroom skill and raised and refined it to high art.
No one can touch him at what he does, yet it is impossible to use words to
tell you what that is. He has been called a vocal cartoonist, but he is much
more like a vocal cartoon…
“While  he has done heaps of radio (notably National Public Radio’s
Next Big Thing, where he’s had a regular feature called “Stump Zero Boy”),
his gift is not only aural but physical. Seeing him live is best. In a way, his
skill is cinematic. He uses his voice, hands and face to make your mind’s
eye see a picture… He has created an entirely unique theatre form.”
–Travalanche
Then…
Pete Goldie‘s Super-Scientific Whatchamacallit

ADH Science solon Pete Goldie has been providing breathless audiences
with images from NASA’s Cassini Probe, and the excitement was palpable
at our last show, in Point Arena, CA (See The Dr. Hal Report, Vol. XV,
No. 1). What other show releases scientific information before NASA does?
Pete will be on hand this week too, with another presentation:  more of
the newest discoveries made in the endless reaches of the unfathomable
void. It’s an exciting time. Folks, it’s more than likely that this time “Doc”
Goldie will show us more from the Cassini-Huygens Probe’s newest roster of
discoveries. The roaming robot spacecraft once actually completed its
flyby of Titan (on Nov. 19, 2008), during an episode of the Ask Dr. Hal! Show,
passing that glabrous Saturnian moon at an altitude of 1,023 kilometers
(that’s 636 miles, Imperial Measure fans). During the intricately plotted, super-
close pass, the Visual and Infrared Mapping Spectrometer (VIMS) was
able, we hear, to image the region around the Huygens landing site at a
resolution of less than a kilometer per pixel. VIMS (and several other
instruments) also observed atmospheric composition and structure, while
Cassini’s fields and particles instruments focused on Titan’s interaction with
Saturn’s magnetosphere and the solar wind. And that was four years ago!
Just think what scientific advances have taken place since then!
Just because the Conspiracy News Media are full of the yowlings of all those
reactionary, power-mad, science-denying hillbillies, don’t get the idea that
the advancement of learning has slowed to a crawl. It hasn’t at our show,
anyway, thanks in large part to Pete, our own boffo boffin.
So come down to Viracocha’s (literally) underground salon, where Pete
will tell you a-a-l-l-l about it…

Also on our programme:
“WHEN EXTRATERRESTRIALS ATTACK EARTH!”
Ruthless Aggressors from Other Star Systems Bomb, Strafe
Planet’s Cities to Radioactive Rubble

KrOB usually provides us with specially re-edited footage of something
or other agressing against hapless humans.This whole bit, traditionally
about being attacked by (usually quite exotic) animals, though offered
up by us staunchly in the spirit of all fun, nonetheless pushes certain hard-
wired evolutionary buttons. As rational thought on the matter should
make plain, any animals should be more afraid of humans than vice
versa, if you look at the record so far… But… what if we were the
“animals,” lower in the hierarchical tier than we usually find (or place)
ourselves? What if there were Powers surpassing ours as we dominate
the brutes on our (and their) own planet? How would it feel? Not good, is
our answer. And KrOB‘s been itching to put this one up on the big screen
for quite some time. This Saturday he gets his chance. Watch as the
Aliens, the Space People, the Sky Gods or what have you, put us in the
unenviable position of those poor moose (meece?) and wolves facing a
terrifying and inexplicable doom– being blasted from above by
Sarah Palin from a helicopter. You know, this might be the scariest
KrOB “edit” yet! We advise those who may be overly sensitive to such
material to turn away or shade their eyes. 

Social Notes
Our last show in secluded, bucolic Point Arena, California still has ‘em
talking about it, we hear. Although we were competing with a rampaging
rock concert across the st. from our vivacious venue, the Odd Fellows Hall
on historic Main St., we managed to knock ‘em dead– and pay everyone
off. Like our new run of S.F. ADH shows, we brought back our older M.O.
of multiple opening acts… We like the variety– improves the show, we
think… Host with the Most jaunty John Hell, we boast, gave us one hell of a
good roast– & you can watch him do it again at Viracocha… Of cuss, we
couldnna dunnit without ADH’s friends up there, so many & fair– chiefly
bodacious Blake More, provocative poet, and courageous Chris Campbell
–who took a chance on the viability of our viaticum… Then we had good
party favors from Jewel-brite Justin Credible, who helmed the after-show
dance party (& we’re hoping to get her to do it again for us)… Headliners
incldd. pugnacious “spokaoke” poet Whitman McGowan, a future Viracocha
opening act for our upcoming March 30th milestone (crease your calendar for
that one) accompanied by (barely) skin-clad Terpsichorean temptresses
nubile Nupondi & luscious Loana, 2 Neolithic & nubile cave babes with
anachronistic attitude, dancing up a storm… Also on the bill: the ever-appealing,
romantic Randy & ready Randi, aka fabulous Freddi Price & lovely Lilli Rose Love…
Renown’d Rusty Rebar, ADH Poet in Residence, wuz there to give us an incitant
Invocation & send-off to set the whole megilla in magnum motion. Meanwhile,
curvaceous Connie Dobbs gave our show some easy-on-the-eyes excitement,
esp. when we showed a clip she’d brought of her latest sinema sensation– to the
surprise of dumfounded Dr. Hal & others, this proved to be raw pornography, com-
plete with insertion shots & you-name it… Was our countenance crimson… Still
reeling from this, theatregoers were then treated, after our last Bardic Recitation,
to an extended address by the Church of the SubGenius’s own demented Dr.
Philo Drummond. Blue don’t begin to describe it, sports fans… More like indigo or
deep ultra-violet….This monumental Jeremiad shocked & stunned quite a few of
the maturer audience members, who were a bit unprepared for phlegmatic Philo’s
dramatic dissertation on “Anal Fissure Tissue” & its (mostly sexually/excretory-)
related addtnl. topicks… As we said, they’re still yakking abt. our Show up there…
Other familiar faces incldd. long-term fan Leslie Sternbergh Alexander, quondam
Brazilian Astronaut “Konga” Kiko Aumond, with superlative spouse jewel-like
Jenn “Jennalex” Alexander (no relation we know of to locomoting Leslie but who
also took that long N. Cal trip up for our sake, which takes th’ cake) & others… Sadly,
singer bemused Bryn Harris & belly dancer lost Lamia Jasmine were unaccountably
AWOL, tho’ advertised– yet we soldiered on, and there was so much on the bill we
insist they weren’t wholly missed… Kingly KrOB was on the job w/ some of his better
very special effects, tho’ doddering Dr. Hal still winces as he recalls how kruel KrOB
Puckishly piped in the Green Acres theme, right as he was trying to recite Annabel
Lee by edifying Eddie Poe… Paideutic Pete Goldie was in his element with a lengthy
smorgasbord of stars, planets, comets, moons & asteroids– & wait’ll y’all get a load
of  konquering KrOB’s newest invigorating intro to proud papa Pete’s act– worth
admission in itself, we say. Peripatetic Puzzling Evidence was grandly on hand to
shoot the proceedings, just so you can check ‘em out. What, you mean to say you
don’t look at the Puzzling Evidence Channel on YouTube? You can watch Ask Dr.
Hal! shows of the past on there, as long as you’ve got the stamina, until the cows come
home, & after… All in all, ’twas a great day for ADH & friends– & the next day, depraved
Dr. Hal decompressed with all sorts of California-type fun: skinny-dipping with chorus
girls from the show, then chasing unclothed chorus girls on nearby Bowling Ball Beach
(too bad they tend to run faster than he does, being a lot younger & fitter) & then, because
one picks up a lot of sand on those fabled CA. beaches, showering with those same
chorus girls –until one & all were sparkling clean… an udderly beautiful xperience… We
like our reception in P.A. & hope to make the whole affair an annual one. Here’s hoping
the Odd Fellows feel the same way and would like to host us 1nce more… Meanwhile,
come ‘n see how we fit in @ Viracocha, our new host space on Valencia– a hop, skip &
a jump from Ritual Roasters @ the site of the former Botanica Yoruba… Instead of Santeria
& sacrificing chickens, that space’ll now be the place for our show a-go-go. So…?

==The Ask Dr. Hal! Show!==
– Featuring the eerie powers of
  Dr. Howland Owll
With your host JOHN HELL of Radio Valencia -
With Patented “Eyenoise,” Special Visual Effects,
Monster Clips, Soundscape & Musical Direction by
KrOB
Science Department: PETE GOLDIE
I.T. Liaison: ROBERT LEVY
Girl Friday: SPY EMERSON
MYSTERY GUESTS – PUPPETS – BARDIC RECITATIONS -
ANIMATED CARTOONS – GIRLS – GAGS – SURPRISES -
THE GOLDEN RUTABAGA AWARDS CEREMONY -
–With Special Guest Star, ZERO BOY!!
== Come One, Come All! ==
—————————————————————————————————————-

BOILERPLATE
Ask Dr. Hal! founded by Chicken John Rinaldi in 1998. A popular favorite for 12 years in varied cities & venues.
A legendary performance. Scientific. Educational. NOT for children & those easily shocked. A memorable night out.
“Ask & ye shall receive.” No refunds. Come on time to see the opening acts. Bill is long, & we cannot delay curtain.
Show will end before Midnight. Do YOU have a variety act you would like to perform to open for us? Now taking
submissions. Telephone our booking office at (415) 642-6312. Viracocha information hotline: (415) 374-7048.
Unavoidably, duplication of names on our lists may occur; please excuse, and delete, additional copies of this
mailing if they arrive. WATCH Ask Dr. Hal! on You Tube on the Puzzling Evidence Channel. HEAR Ask Dr. Hal! on
San Francisco’s best Pirate Radio station, listener-supported Radio Valencia.FM

 

HERE IT COMES!

AN ANNUAL TRADITION– IT’S CHRISTMAS, CHICKEN JOHN!

Are you not going to get a gift this year? Are you far from your relations– or not speaking to them? Do you not have any family? Any friends? Are you cast adrift in a sea of emptiness and despair?

Will you have your Christmas Eve alone, drinking Scotch, looking
in the mirror? Are you not going to get even one wrapped present this
year?

Well, then. That’s terrible. Funny, but terrible.

But buck up, Bunky...

There is another option. You can find other people who are in the same boat as you– and spend your Christmas Day-night with them. Courtesy of us. 
No, I’m not talking about casual encounters on Craig’s List… I’m
talking about:

IT’S CHRISTMAS, CHICKEN JOHN! Yes, it’s happening once again. December 25th, 2011, Christmas Day! Come one, come all (at 9:00 PM and after) to that well-known, preposterous potlatch. Give and receive. Bring a wrapped present or two, get a gift in return at our Christmas Party, a holiday favorite…

Here’s the word from showman Chicken John: 

“For the last 27 years, I’ve done an orphan Christmas show. It’s kinda a game show, where people from the audience come up on stage and answer Trivia questions. If you answer the question correctly, you get to open a present.

“However, if you answer the question incorrectly… you get to open a present. The presents are provided by you, the audience. They are something… some good, some terrible. All absurd. All for fun.”

With YOUR BOASTFUL HOSTS,

CHICKEN JOHN & DR. HAL!

A veritable LAFF RIOT! GAGS! GIRLS! SURPRISES! OH, THE HUMANITY!

At Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret, 3359 Cesar Chavez Street at South Van Ness. Doors open 8:30 PM.

Christmas will be over– NOW we can have FUN! See YOU there!

BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!! BRING WRAPPED GIFTS!!!!!

 The Dr. Hal Report
Vol.XIV                                                                                                                                                                                          No. 3

“The very last Dr. Hal show is always my favorite, and the visuals of a show by an
underground comics artist is a key component, so just listening on the radio is
not enough.”
–Eric Diesel (Personal communication)

“A good old man, sir; he will be talking: as they say, When the age is in the wit is out.”

–William Shakespeare (baptized 26 April, 1564; died 23 April, 1616)
Much Ado about Nothing. ACT III Scene 5

Friends, Ladies and Gentlemen, and fellow-travelers, Ask Dr. Hal! is doing one last show.
And– with apologies for any confusion, we are moving the date to Wednesday night.
As in former days, it will happen– one final time –mid-week once again. On…
Wednesday, May 25th…
But… why?
Well, you see, Showman Chicken John made a financially-prompted decision– to rent out the house on Tues., May 24th to the well-heeled master cuisinier Chef Fleur-de-lis of SF’s ultra-trendique eatery Le Restaurant Grasse-Chère-Coûteuse.
So, for one more time, join us Wednesday night at Chez Poulet for the ever-evolving Ask Dr. Hal! show!

FIRST
KrOB’S KR-R-R-A-A-AZY KARTOON!
“KITTY CORNERED” (1946)
We like to start the show with a bang– and we do. Just before every performance begins, we screen a great animated cartoon, lovingly selected by KrOB– eight minutes of the best theatrical  shorts ever committed to film This last week, we’re back with Warner Bros. Cartoons and our all-time favorite cartoon director, the late Bob Clampett, whom Dr. Hal and his sister Martha were privileged to know personally. And this is a stand-out, a great cartoon among a track record of great cartoons. It might even be Clampett’s best work, and that’s saying a lot. It’s Kitty Cornered (1946) featuring Porky Pig vs. an army of fractious cats, including, for the first time ever in a Looney Tunes cartoon, Sylvester the cat. It’s the only time Sylvester ever appeared in a Clampett-directed cartoon.
Kitty Kornered is Clampett’s final cartoon starring his longtime star Porky Pig (if you don’t count the cameo in Clampett’s next cartoon, The Great Piggy Bank Robbery where Porky appears for a few seconds as a (poorly) disguised trolley driver).
Kitty Kornered’s an astonishing little film, like all Clampett’s work. It moves like lightning and is packed with ten times as many gags, on all different levels, as were found in most Warner Bros. cartoons.
And, wouldn’t you know it  (is there a pattern emerging here?)– like so many of the cartoons KrOB’s been showing, the censors have cut it in the past. What could those infernal Nervous Nellies find censorable in Kitty Cornered? Incredibly, it’s a scene where, after Porky tries to throw the cats out but they throw him out,
the cats drink alcohol, read comics, and smoke cigars –ooh, civilization would just fall if that were allowed to be shown– before Porky bursts in and… well, we won’t give any more away.
But we guarantee, as always, that no censorship will be in evidence at the Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret– we’re taking pains to give you, as almost never seen these days, the whole thing, complete and uncut.
So join us this Wednesday night, won’t you? –in time to catch up with yet another treasure of your Nation’s once-flourishing but now (that the Conspiracy has dumbed it all down) mostly vanished popular culture.
Remember, our show will start right up at the very moment the cartoon ends. Which is to say:
If you don’t come early enough you may miss Krob’s Kartune.

THEN
PETE GOLDIE’S WONDER-WORLD OF SCIENCE:
SPACE SCIENCE REPORT
ADH Science solon Pete Goldie will present more of the newest discoveries made in the endless
reaches of the unfathomable void. The Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin will bring us tidings, as
always, of newly discovered aspects of the cosmos.
Perhaps– who knows? –he will dilate upon recent revelations concerning so-called free-range planets!
Say, remember where Ming the Merciless (Flash Gordon’s implacable enemy) hung his hat? It was the Planet Mongo. A planet that entered our Solar System from Deep Space, beyond the heliopause. Mere fiction, you say? What about the scenario in the movie When Worlds Collide?
Remember that one? Two wandering planets, at first only noted by astronomers with the best
equipment, come into the System, heading for the Sun. By the end of the picture, one of them has
squarely hit– and obliterated –the Earth. Nonsense, you say? Science-Fiction clap-trap? Not so
fast!
For, as Pete just might describe, a team of astronomers has revealed that hundreds of billions of
“rogue” planets have escaped from their solar systems and are indeed roving freely in space,
secluded and far from any host star.
The researchers led by Professor Dr.Takahiro Sumi of Osaka University in Japan, using New
Zealand-based Mount John University Observatory’s 5.9-foot telescope, have reported that they
observed 10 Jupiter-sized planets, each around 10,000 to 20,000 light-years away from Earth.
There were no stars within a range of a billion miles or so of those planets. Researchers concluded
that our Milky Way Galaxy is littered with free-range planets of all sizes, wandering silently and
desolately in the spaces between the stars…
It is suggested that the orphan planets somehow escaped from their formative solar systems soon after
they condensed from the interstellar dust that also created their long-abandoned solar parents.
So check out Pete’s presentation. As scientific and educational as all-get-out.
Pete, a student of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology, and motion of celestial objects,
as well as the formation and future development of the universe itself, fills us in with intricate detail,
even while Chicken, totally uninterested, writhes in ill-concealed impatience.
The original of the Cassini spacecraft, whose 3-D likeness in miniature, constructed by avid aviation
and space enthusiast “Paul Pot,” dangles over our ADH stage, continues its mission to the outer planets in an excellent state of health, we’re happy to report, with all systems “Go” –and all
subsystems operating normally.
And, with computer-jockey David Capurro’s able assistance, Pete‘ll illustrate his presentation– with
a hum-dinger of a Slide Show to display his rare pictures of strange worlds and distant suns.
And in addition to all of this, he still takes pains in his presentation to “razz” Chicken John.
Don’t miss this challenging and unique portion of our show.
A Dr. Hal Show Extra-Special Featurette.

ALSO FEATURING
KrOB’S KREEPY KINEMA MONSTROUS MOVIE
“MONSTER OCTOPUS STRIKES FROM THE ABYSS”
GIANT CEPHALOPOD RISES FROM ABYSSAL SUBMARINE CREVASSE
In rip-roaring stop-motion animation– of course!
KrOB’s krafted this klip from the Czech film classic Vynález zkázy (1959), which explores themes
tangental but still somewhat similar to those in Ukradená vzducholo (or The Stolen Airship) –creations
both of Karel Zeman, Czech animator and filmmaker. He is considered the co-founder of the Czech
animated film.  Zeman used hand-made sets painted in the style of Victorian illustrations (mainly
engravings by Gustave Doré), and then had live actors wandering through animated settings. The great
success of these science fiction and fantasy features is a tribute to Zeman’s sense of humor and
storytelling abilities, as well as his technique and originality.
So– the octopus strikes!  Zeman’s films possess a sophisticated wit and visual style that enchants– even
in the portrayal of this bulbous, sucker-studded primordial horror.
Octopuses are in fact venomous– the bite of some small Pacific species is instantly fatal. But once this
deep-sea Titan grasps you in its undulating, ropy arms, the venom problem is not really centrally
significant any more, as we shall see.
And we’ll throw in at this point that giant octopuses do indeed exist in the oozy darkness of the benthic
wilderness.
Symbologists tell us that the octopus generally signifies the unconscious mind– arms radiating from a
centrally located head.
KrOB’S MONSTER RALLY– AN ULTIMATELY TERRIFYING INDICTMENT OF
HUMANITY ITSELF!
Heh, heh, heh…

SOCIAL NOTES

Rain, rain… we were sure it would wash away any chance we could get good attendance– but, despite
the prevailing meteorological inclemency our attendees found their way to attend just the same… so our
Grand Opening pitch went off with hardly a hitch… now comes the Grand Closing, our last production  in this briefest of cycles. A run really not long enough? Ooh! We think so, too… So forward all of those
complaints, gripes & objections to cheerful Chicken John, Showman at chicken@chickenjohn.com
–& see where that gets you… We’ll (probably) be back after (too) many months more… Meanwhile, come
on in for this, our last Barbaric Yawp– we offer our refined brand of entertainment for a recondite few–
izzat you? It won’t be raining this time, if last time that’s why we missed noting your phiz in the peanut gallery… Now, though rain’s no longer a drain on our reign, another woolly problem stands athwart our course– & scheduling’s the source… The whole shebang leapfrogs to Wednesday , just after we got ‘em
all used to a weekly Tuesday night flight. That’s because conniving Chicken‘s going to rent out the house on Tues., May 24th to the well-heeled master cuisinier Chef Fleur-de-Lis from SF’s latest “hip” trendique eatery Le Restaurant Grasse-Chere-Couteuse, who made Chicken a (financial) offer he couldn’t refuse…

As we pointed out in this space last week, after selling us all out, he’ll cry for the
show– all the way to the bank. Ach, du Lieber & Stoller… Still, we have one final opportunity to
deliver the goods with full immunity. That’s this Wednesday, May 25th. Join us then again for one
more final fruitful interval… Be a part of it as we make history at the old Chez Poulet… So– last wk.,
who-all was there? Quite a variety of S.F.’s boho high sassiety. Among others, f’rinstance, marmoreal
Mable Syrup, who’s a perpetually indulgent Sister to our band of brothers, enchanting Emma Henley who
faced the dread KrOB Moment at first hand, lovely Leslie whom we remember so fetchingly (& toplessly)
adorned the Burning Man Opera a few seasons back, jubilant Jeanette and juniper-fresh Julie Holabird, a  lovely, long-term, long-stemmed ADH devotee, so welcome to see… Photog Puzzling Evidence documented the doings for
You Tube, as always– you might want to scroll down and click on some of those, we suppose… Another
face from the past joined the cast– gregarious Gabe, our Sound Man from the the haze of the late, great 12
Galaxies days, when our host with the most was redoubtable Robert Levy… Enjoy it, gadabout Gabe? Say,
we could use another one of those– a Sound Man, we mean… A Sound Man is Hard to Find, eh? Ahem!
Attention! We’re looking for a Lost Passport– seen it, sport? It belongs to anxious Amas Valeika… Kingly
Ken laid on his distinctive laff –we also know him as philosophical Phineas T. Smokepott, & wotta laff he’s got… Radio Valencia performance keystone Kiko A., whom you know as Nose Hair Lint Gland’s demented
Dr. Fiasco, was pleasantly present, especially accompanied by appealingly jocund Jenn Alexander, his
Better Half– we were pleased to have wedded them, in a ceremony earlier this year– did you hear? Try to
keep up… Manly Mongoloid, a.k.a. leonine Lloyd Mongoloid of supergroup Cookie Mongoloid, was among
us as well… At the door, steely-eyed Skippy was in charge of vetting the incoming crowd and collecting the
admission, an ADH tradition… We also noted jocose Joe, remarkable Rob Srinivasan, a mathematically
au courant savant, timely Timothy, & curvaceous Catalina Eckhardt… Cheerful Chicken, meanwhile, tried valiantly to vend, sell, & even absolutely give away numerous packages, left over from his recent Dolores
Park agitprop session, of plastic fake vomit… Said artificial upchuck brings to mind that we also hosted
old-timer Oops, (how’s that for a segue, folks?) not in our gaze since the old Odeon daze, who’s back– with
an incomprehensible tale of intrigue, kidnapping and legal complication, one of the strangest in Creation… but c’mon, obliging Oops kept us afloat with a tempting tip of a C-note in the question hopper, challenging
us to top the topper. No kidding, you never know who’ll show up up at the show, so… go! Your last
chance! May we have this dance?

LETTERS
Dear Dr. Hal,
I have received email threats from the President of the Dominion of Melchizedek that
my hands will be cut off, so I cannot post on the Internet. I have forwarded these to the federal prosecutor
investigating P_______ G_____ and R_____ R____, and just after I got the emails, I recieved a call to meet with
Secret Service Agent “N__” of the Electronic Crimes Unit just after I got the electronic mail physical threat.
 If you need proof of this, please let me know.
Yours, E. Diesel

SHOWS – UPCOMING
DARK ROOM BENEFIT FOR SPY EMERSON – MAY 28th
Dark Room Theatre, 2263 Mission St., San Francisco - 8:00 PM
Our friend, fine artist Spy Emerson, is fighting an unscrupulous and ruinously expensive legal attack
by the father of her six-year-old son Lucky and his Midwest-based family acting in concert.
Those who closely know Spy are aware she is an exemplary mother, now overwhelmed by a malicious,
unexpected and fully financed, secretly well-planned, ruthless maneuver. We are in Spy’s corner on this one.
Any contribution is welcome to help oppose the financial/legal tsunami facing this brave and determined
woman.
Local performers, including Ask Dr. Hal!’s own Dr. Hal are to appear in the line-up of an evening variety show at San Francisco’s Dark Room Theatre, 2263 Mission St.  Show time will be 8:00 PM.
A unique roster of contributing talents will make it a night to remember.
Eyenoise Projections by KrOB.
Look for the three Doggie Diner Heads outside the theater, where hot dogs will be grilled and sold, before and during the performance.
Watch this space for developing details, or go to darkroomsf.com

Call (415) 401-7987.

Some of Our Favorite Questions
“Dr. Hal, is there a ready-made substitute for blood plasma?”
Why, yes. If you happen to be on a tropical island, remember that the liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute.
“Dr. Hal, is there anything that kills more people than plane crashes every year?”
Lots of things, if we go world-wide. Donkeys, for example. I’m not kidding– don’t ever stand behind one.
“What are the three biggest brand names on Earth? ”
Marlboro, Coca-Cola and Budweiser, in that order.
“Is there any sound that doesn’t echo?”
Yes, since you ask, the quack of a duck. No one knows why.
“How come every time they show those floods on TV they always show a cow on
some roof?”
Well, cows can easily be persuaded to look after their own best interests, even by perfidious humans. The major problem comes along after the flood. You see, a cow will let you lead her upstairs, but not downstairs.
“Hey, Dr. Hal, are there any creatures who can breathe through their anuses?”
The answer– sigh… is yes. The talented animal in question: the common mud-turtle. And you can’t.

If you have a question for me, I, Dr. Howland Owll, have an answer for you! 

Dr. HAL ON RADIO:
Hear classic episodes on Radio Valencia!
ADH PIRATE RADIO SHOW CONTINUES WITH WEEKLY BROADCAST!
The Ask Dr. Hal! Radio Show has been running Friday nights 9PM to Midnight on S.F.’s newest Pirate Radio sensation–
 radiovalencia.fm 87.9 FM
Live shows have been simulcast! And if you’ve missed them, they’re still on the radio!
Now, the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, a beloved San Francisco Institution, also
continues as an innovative Pirate Radio Program on RadioValencia.FM
–broadcast –and podcast (keep watching these announcements) even
during the current run of the show!
Dr. Hal Live on Radio– Friday nights, 10 PM – Midnight.
Podcasts:
http://radiovalencia.fm/recent-shows/

–at the innovative & avant
Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.
COME ONE , COME ALL !
Watch Ask Dr. Hal! Shows– the very latest, and those of days gone by!
Visit the Puzzling Evidence Channel on You Tube! Just type in “search words” Ask Dr. Hal!

             The Dr. Hal Report    
Vol.XIV                                             No. 2

Of a good beginning cometh a good end.”
John Heywood (1497-1580)
Proverbes, Part I, Chapt.10

“Very impressed with the wonderful, whimsical web woven by the team of artisans
at the Chicken Shack!  Just a fantastic underground world of visual, and aural
stimulus accented by a nice tub of booze….”
Radio Valencia’s Quarterman Jack, on last Tuesday’s ADH Preview Show

ADH PREPARES FOR SEASON OPENER
FIRST SHOW HITS THE BOARDS TUESDAY, MAY 17TH
MAY 10TH’S PREVIEW NIGHT SETS STAGE FOR MONTH’S LIMITED RUN
Ladies and Gentlemen, this season of Ask Dr. Hal! is off and running. Our opener on the
17th will bring back all the elements which have defined us in the past– with a few new
wrinkles.
Last Tuesday’s Prevue showed that this new night works for our show. Neither mid-week, as when
it was, some time ago, on Wednesdays, nor end-of week, as when we ran it on Fridays,
Saturdays or Sundays, the new date– still experimental– could be seen as a mini-oasis
of relief from initial weekly workaday stress. After all, having faced Monday, you ‘re “over
the hump” –and it’s all downhill from there!
Celebrate Tuesday night at Chez Poulet– drop in for the Ask Dr. Hal! show!
(NOTE: Scheduling changes may occur for future shows .)

WE START EARLIER.
It’s true– unlike previous iterations where a lallygagging audience compelled us to wait
while they straggled in– oh, we knew they would get here eventually, but so would
Christmas –these days, we ‘ve “bitten the bullet” and started up far closer to our declared
start-time of 9:00 PM. Several attendees found that out at our Prevue Show– the hard way.
They missed KrOB ‘s Kartoon– and the whole beginning.
And c’mon– when we hold the (metaphorical) curtain, we end up imposing on those who
did show up at the right time, making them sit and wait while we wait– for late-nicks.
Isn’t it better that we use the time– for yet more solid, full-blooded Ask Dr. Hal! Show?
FIRST on the bill:
KrOB’S KR-R-R-A-A-AZY KARTOON!
“PATIENT PORKY” (1940)
KrOB seems to be indulging his predilection for selecting older cartoons from the Thirties
and early Forties for this cycle. But why not? All should be shown; few ever are.
Be prepared, however, for a bizarre, alien level of humor not congruent with the popular
ethos, and for a slower rhythm and pace overall than the fast-moving, more advanced
cartoons Warners put out in the late Forties. And also be prepared for an unfortunate
race caricature, the farthest thing from political correctness, briefly appearing in the film.
We were graced to know Bob Clampett– this cartoon’s director –personally for a little
while, and there wasn’t a racist bone in his body. But he did derive humor from the
stereotype, as he mined everything in sight for gags.
Yes, Clampett, unlike some other animation directors at Warners, was never mean-spirited.
We will therefore wince as we show this film in its entirety. Music: Carl Stalling. Voices:
Mel Blanc.
And, bye the bye, there are other shocking, disturbing things in this little short– depending,
as in all things, on where you stand.
One thing, however, is a certainty:
If you don’t come early enough you may miss Krob’s Kartune.

THEN:
PETE GOLDIE’S WONDER-WORLD OF SCIENCE:
SPACE SCIENCE REPORT
ADH Science solon Pete Goldie will present more of the newest discoveries made in the endless
reaches of the unfathomable void. The Learn’d Astronomer and Boffo Boffin will bring us tidings, as
always, of newly discovered aspects of the cosmos.
Perhaps– who knows? –he will dilate upon recent revelations concerning Io, the most volcanically
active body in our Solar System. This remote world contains an underground ocean of magma,
say scientists who cracked a long-standing puzzle posed by NASA’s defunct Galileo Probe, which
orbited giant Jupiter and ogled his many moons from 1995 to 2003.
Some say Man was never meant to see such things. Not Pete, however­- and now you can! We
show ‘em– each time!
The well-known bon vivant actually arranged for Dr. Hal’s name, and Chicken’s, to be shot into
space aboard the Dawn Explorer on its mission out to the Asteroid Belt, a few years back! We think
that says it all.
As scientific and educational as all-get-out.
The Cassini spacecraft, whose 3-D likeness in miniature dangles over our ADH stage, is in an
excellent state of health, we’re happy to report, with all systems “Go”and all subsystems operating
normally.
Pete, a student of the evolution, physics, chemistry, meteorology, and motion of celestial objects,
as well as the formation and future development of the universe itself, fills us in with intricate detail
on the wandering space probe’s discoveries as they happen.
And, with computer-jockey David Capurro’s able assistance, he’ll illustrate his presentation– with a
hum-dinger of a Slide Show to display his rare pictures of strange worlds and distant stars.
And in addition to all of this, he still takes pains in his presentation to “razz” Chicken John.
Don’t miss this challenging and unique portion of our show.
A Dr. Hal Show Extra-Special Featurette.

ALSO FEATURING:
KrOB’S KREEPY KINEMA MONSTROUS MOVIE–
“THE THRUST EXPEDITION VS. THE LAST DINOSAUR”
ASSEMBLED FROM FOOTAGE SHOT IN THE UNFORTUNATE 1970′S
1977, actually. The movie this all comes from “positively reeks of the polyester Seventies with its
bell-bottoms, long hair and eyeglasses the size of picture windows.” –Mark F. Berry, The Dinosaur
Filmography.
Not only that, but it’s a co-production of Rankin-Bass and Tsuburaya Productions.

That’s Tsuburaya as in Toho studios ( not Eiji Tsuburaya but close, we suspect).Yep, the East-West
fusion of cheesy dinosaur-suit monster effects pictures.
Nothing to celebrate. Kind of the worst of both worlds. Why do we do this? Because we can,
bwa-ha-ha-haa!
Not enough space here to explain the SubGenius concept of Bulldada.
But wait– it gets better. Wildly emoting at the center is veteran actor Richard Boone– that’s right,
Paladin–in the, er, pivotal rôle of Masten Thrust (no kidding). Your witness, Mr. Freud.
This picture, according to author Stuart Galbraith, was “scheduled to open theatrically in New York
City, but was pulled at the last minute and instead made its U.S. debut as a TV movie for ABC.”
Those were the days.
KrOB’S MONSTER RALLY– AN ULTIMATELY TERRIFYING INDICTMENT OF
HUMANITY ITSELF!
Heh, heh, heh…

SOCIAL NOTES

And so Ask Dr. Hal! put on its Preview Nite last Tues. the 10th– 1nce again, the Show was a going
concern… We had some of our old pals (of course) along 4 the ride, but we noted some new faces too…
We’ll see how it shapes up during this lightning-fast, here-today-gone tomorrow iteration of ADH,
performance dates subject to revision with very little notice… Arrghh– blame calculating Chicken for
the necessity to include that caveat… Better watch these broadsides closely for the straight skinny.
Well, we saw lotsa variety at the show– not that you’d call it a Variety Show…  Among attentive
attendees we noted militant Moss, a.k.a. RollingMoss, who didn’t seem to want the whole thing to end,
perennial Paul Pot, whose quiver of queries were shunted by conniving Chicken to the Speed Round,
canine companion jocose Joppa, staking out our round, heuristic Hef-style bed as his personal turf,
and even addled Al “Werewolf” Simms, who posed no prob– we wouldn’t want him there on the 17th,
tho’ –check your ephemeris… While preparing, pre-show, in Chez Poulet’s cavernous upstairs, we
nearly collided with vivacious Valerie Leavy (a collision we wouldn’t have minded), ravishing resident
of the bldg. –she was equally surpriz’d… Another tenant was sweet Sunshine, who not only took in the
show but, good sport that she is, presented paideutical Pete Goldie’s Jar of gags to choleric Chicken
during prankish Pete’s segment… From the balcony above we thought we made out slinky Sarah, as in
Szczechowicz-Goldie– but that was an error, according to both glamorous Goldies (Never be without
your trusty fact-checker)… However, there was no mistaking manly Moses Grubb, devotee of divine
Dionysus, or krazy Kiko, our quondam Brazilian Astronaut for about a brazillion times –and Radio  Valencia’s own questing Quarterman Jack, a first-timer to our festive fol-de-rol. RV, as we Pirate
Broadcasters like to call it, covered us– until mindful Mikel-em came in & did his show around ten in
the P.M. –adress all complaints to Commander Chicken John, Esq., since that meant we didn’t get
the show recorded. Pity, too, the audio would’ve been good… Starry-eyed but steely Skippy,
jack-of-all-trades & our doorman that nite, let in luminaries larruping Lloyd Mongoloid of Cookie
Mongoloid fame, obliging Orin Zebest, also from RV’s roster, kingly Kenny a.k.a. Phineas T.
Smokepott, our indispensable laff leader (every show needs one) & jaunty Joseph, a former, and
perhaps future doorman in his own right… Curvaceous Carla Winsom, kaptivating Kelly Cathorn with
jolly John Antrobus squiring, & a few other new faces we couldn’t peg were seen on th’ scene… and
we welcomed also masterful Mike Ritch, Director of the Jean Henry School of Art (plug-ola) with
constant consort the stunning Shawna M., a first (but we hope not last)-timer at ADH… Well, come nextime if you couldn’t be there– this run is short, sport– you could miss it pret-ty easily, we say
queasily. The show following next week may even jump over the hump to a different day, we are just now hearing, & fearing… We’re betting on Wednesday, friends & neighbors… That’s because conniving
Chicken will probably rent out the house on Tues., May 24th to the well-heeled master cuisinier Chef Fleur-de-Lis of S.F.’s trendique eatery Le Restaurant Grasse-Chere-Couteuse, who’s apparently made hungry, cupidity-challenged Chicken a juicy Offer He Couldn’t Refuse… Chick’ll will cry for the show, though, all the way to the bank, as the saying goes. Meanwhile, do come in & show our show some support, sport, before we come up short… this means YOU!

SHOWS – UPCOMING
DARK ROOM BENEFIT FOR SPY EMERSON – MAY 28th
Our friend, fine artist Spy Emerson, is fighting an unscrupulous and ruinously expensive legal attack
by the father of her six-year-old son Lucky and his Midwest-based family acting in concert.
Those who closely know Spy are aware she is an exemplary mother, now overwhelmed by a malicious,
unexpected and fully financed, secretly well-planned, ruthless maneuver.
Any contribution is welcome to help oppose the financial/legal tsunami facing this brave and determined
woman.
Local performers, including Ask Dr. Hal!’s own Dr. Hal are to appear in the line-up of an evening variety
show at San Francisco’s Dark Room Theatre, 2263 Mission St.  Show time will be 8:00 PM.
A unique roster of contributing talents will make it a night to remember.
Eyenoise Projections by KrOB.
Look for the three Doggie Diner Heads outside the theater, where hot dogs will be grilled and sold to the gastronomically adventurous, before
and during the performance.
Watch this space for developing details, or go to darkroomsf.com   Call (415) 401-7987.

Dr. HAL ON RADIO:
Hear classic episodes on
Radio Valencia!
ADH PIRATE RADIO SHOW CONTINUES WITH WEEKLY BROADCAST!
The Ask Dr. Hal! Radio Show has been running Friday nights 9PM to Midnight on S.F.’s newest Pirate
Radio sensation–
 radiovalencia.fm 87.9 FM
Live shows have been simulcast! And if you’ve missed them, they’re still on the radio!
Now, the Ask Dr. Hal! Show, a beloved San Francisco Institution, also
continues as an innovative Pirate Radio Program on RadioValencia.FM
–broadcast –and podcast (keep watching these announcements) even
during the current run of the show!
Dr. Hal Live on Radio– Friday nights, 10 PM – Midnight.
Podcasts:

http://radiovalencia.fm/recent-shows/

–at the innovative & avant
Chez Poulet Gallery-Cabaret
3359 Cesar Chavez St.
(Army) Street between Mission and South Van Ness. Just on the
edge of Bernal Heights. The old Odeon Neighborhood.
COME ONE , COME ALL !
Watch Ask Dr. Hal! Shows– the very latest, and those of days gone by!
Visit the Puzzling Evidence Channel on You Tube:

http://www.youtube.com/user/PuzzlingEvidenceTV#grid/user/

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